


It was a long way

by FreakyPseudWriter



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Anbu Yamato | Tenzou, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, Civilian OC, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Letters, Loss of Virginity, Old scars, Praise Kink, Reader-Insert, Self-Insert, Stalking, nurse reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 16:37:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 133,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14622777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreakyPseudWriter/pseuds/FreakyPseudWriter
Summary: As a nurse, you have a strict codex of dealing with injured ANBUs. No hasty movements, don't look them in the eyes, speak calm and slow. The whole time, you followed them meticulously, knowing firsthand what an ANBU was able to do without a trace of regret.Until one day, an injured ANBU comes in you can't ignore like the others. Until one day, the ANBU breaks into your apartment to give you his regards. Until one day, the same ANBU does something you wouldn't think he is able to do.Be human.





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! :D  
> Another Second POV Story. This one will have a tiny bit different structure than my other works. I wanted to try something different, "play" around a bit and this time, it actually fit with the plot of a story. Hopefully you will like it! :) I try to update this story in a two-week-rhythm, underlining the word "try" here. 
> 
> It was time for Yamato to receive some love. The poor tree-man. So, here it is, with an ANBU Yamato who's hopefully in character.

_Green. Green, everywhere green. Green above your head, green licking at your toes, green brushing over your arms and bare forelegs. Heavy breaths puffed into the warm spring air, your legs shook and hurt, but you kept pushing forward, deeper and deeper into the forest. Getting swallowed by the intense green of the leaves._

_Green, so much beautiful green. Full of wonder you looked upwards. So many shades of the color, mixed together by the shadows and the sunlight, ranging from a bright emerald-green to a dark, almost black moss-green. And then brown, the earthy rich brown of the trees. Fascinated to the very core, you stared at the trees, growing higher than you would ever be, stretching their arms and fingers towards the sun and the sky. Your wide (e/c)-eyes wandered around, sliding over the miracles of the nature in childish innocence, your hands and chubby fingers absent-mindedly reaching out and caressing the surface of each and every plant you were able to touch._

_Life pulsated underneath your fingertips and you giggled when the petals of a delicate flower brushed over your skin, soft and silky like the fabric of the one expensive night gown your mother owned. Once more you carefully let your fingers wander over the tender edge of the petals, then let go, knowing any more harm could cause irreparable damage to the flower._

_Your father had taught you from an early age how important it was to respect the nature at any time._

_You wandered further, deeper into the forest. No fear coiled in your guts at possible dangers or getting lost. You knew this place by now like the back of your hand._

_A smile spread over your face as you realized you were close to your favorite spot in the forest and when you passed by a thick intercourse of bushes, leaves and young trees, sun greeted you._

_Surrounded by green plants, the softest grass a mind could imagine, a small and clear river parting the earth and a riverbend made of round stones and sand. Happily, you ran towards the river, already searching for a stone you could skip over the water, the loose fabric of your t-shirt and pants fluttering in the wind._

_“Not this one…” Giggling, you pointed at a too large stone, the edgy top barely reaching over your shoulders. You came to an abrupt halt, just a few inches apart from where the water licked at the earth and kneeled down, brushing gently over the stones and sand. “This one isn’t flat enough,” you continued, wearing a bright smile, “and this one is too small. This one too, this one too…”_

_Determined you skipped through the several stones, until your eyes fell upon a perfect candidate for some decent jumps over the surface of the river. As your fingers got a hold of the stone, you felt how smooth it was, how flat, how warm the concrete was from the sun shining for hours now. Simply perfect._

_“You’re perfect,” you also told the stone, who was unfortunately not answering, “perfect to break my record of three skips. Today I’m going to make it, I can feel it!”_

_Striking a pose, you announced that to the forest, your voice confident and echoing in between the trees and swallowed by the bushes._

_Then you cocked your head. Something was wrong here. You didn’t know what, but there was this eerie feeling in you, nagging at your insides and at your brain, ringing louder and louder with each second._

_Later, when you were older, you would shake your head at the actions following your realization. So many things could’ve happened if someone else had waited in the forest, someone with less innocent intentions and more criminal energy._

_“Hello?” Your thin voice echoed over the clearing. “Is someone there?”_

_Only the rustling of the leaves answered. But you still weren’t convinced. The stone dropped forgotten to the ground as you stepped away from the river and closer to the spot where the strangeness of the clearing seemed to increase: two trees, one of them slightly thicker than the other, but both had the same height. Confused you stared first at the right, thicker one, then at its thinner brother._

_“That’s not right…” you mumbled to yourself, reached out to the thin tree and stroked over the rough surface, gently tracing marks and little sprouts, “If you’re the same height, you should also be about the same scope…”_

_Maybe one of the trees had more or less light? But as you checked, you could find no sign that one of the trees suffered or benefitted from any kind of natural advantage or disadvantage. No, wind, sun and water had granted both trees the same chance, so there was no visible explanation for the headway one tree had over its neighbor._

_Hesitantly you reached out to the thick tree, eyes flying upwards to the crown and the leaves. “So, what is your secret…?”_

_Just as you expected, your fingers slid over bark, tiny leaves sticking out, knots and dwells, a mouth, a nose, were those eyes…?_

_Impossible. Curious, you stroked again over the particular patch of bark, your eyes just as much searching for the resemblance of human features as your fingers. Here, this knot could be a nose and those dips eyes and this special spot really resembled a mouth, with a lot of imagination…_

_Then, two things at once happened. Once, your index finger rimmed deeply in thought the small mark where the mouth of the tree could be. Second, the knot_ opened _and sharp teeth dug into your limp._

_With a loud scream you tried to rip your hand away. But the teeth dug harder into your finger, pain ripping through your hand and making you cry out again._

_“LEMME GO!” Tears of pain stood in your eyes as you screamed at the tree. Snot and spit rolled down your chin, together with more words, begging the usually so peaceful plant to let go. “PLEASE! IT HURTS! LET GO!” Desperately you tugged at your hand._

_And really, the tree let go. Still screaming in horror, you stumbled backwards, clutching your injured and puckering hand to your chest and staring at the plant._

What is this? Trees aren’t eating meat, so why is he biting me?!?

_But then…_

_A boy peeled himself out of the tree. Literally. Scared beyond measures, his skin turned from the brown of the tree to a lively skin-like tone, maybe a bit paler than yours, how his legs parted from the hiding spot, how his hands twitched and regained their sense of touch again. He was the same height as you, brown, long hair peeking out from underneath the haori. The metal blinked in the sunlight, but the dark clothes he wore seemed to swallow every ray of light falling into his direction. His dark eyes scanned your stature and unconsciously you scrambled away from him, eyes wide and the bitten hand pressing to your chest._

_He just… stood there. Goose bumps wandered down your back and forearms at the strange look he gave you. Devoid of any kind of emotion, only a hint of annoyance visible._

_After a few deep breaths, you managed to find some of your courage. “Who…? Who are you?” you asked. Echoes of your voice didn’t even reach the other side of the wide clearing when the boy walked closer. With every step he grew bigger, with every meter he left behind, his face seemed to twist and contort into a mask of monstrous glee, enjoying your obvious panic and your shallow breaths. You tried to crawl away, away from this… from this_ thing _right in front of you, but it was useless. Features unmovable and the creepy eyes casted into shadows, the human look-alike creeped closer, unhurried and knowing he would capture his prey in the end, while you screamed and begged, all the while grabbing to single grass tufts and pulling yourself over the earth._

_From one moment to the next, he vanished. Another high-pitched scream left your mouth and awaiting a cruel fate, you closed your eyes. You didn’t want to know what was going to happen to you. You didn’t want to know how your young life was going to end._

_Shivering in your shoes, eyes shut tightly and curling yourself into a small ball of gangly limbs and slender childishness, you waited. And waited. Waited a little longer. Waited a tiny bit more, then you carefully cracked your eyes open, one at a time and halfway expecting to see the creepy, soulless eyes of the boy directly in front of you._

_Blue sky, white clouds, the friendly sun shining and leaves dancing to the light breeze in the air. But no creepy tree-boy. Then a groan and a muffled word. Startled, you flinched upwards, your breath still ragged and flat, but deepening with every inhale._

_As soon as you saw him, a strange tug at your mouth came to life. For some seconds you tried to suppress the motion, tried to suppress the bubbly feeling deep in your chest, but it was too mighty and too funny not to laugh. Your laughter echoed over the clearing and the ears of the boy grew red, a stark contrast to the grass and earth where he laid, sprawled out on the ground._

_He stumbled. The creepy boy stumbled, stumbled over some non-existent stone or something, all the while trying to look as intimidating as possible. Now he just looked like what he was: a boy of the same age as yourself, maybe a little bit older or younger, in dark clothes maybe, but absolutely not creepy anymore._

_As you stood up, still giggling and smiling brightly, those deep eyes followed every of your moves. They measured, tried to plan ahead, to look through you and your intentions. But they widened in surprise and mild shock as you walked up to the boy and bend down, one of your hands reaching out and the open palm inviting him to take your good-willed offer._

_“I want to skip some stones over the water. Want to join me?”_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The alarm was blaring right into your ear. With a jolt you sat up, looking for the danger and finding the source of the annoying noise in the hands of the one you shared a home with.

“You’re an idiot.” you mumbled, let your body fall backwards and buried your head again in the pillows.

A warm chuckle met your ears. “Just wanted to see your lovely face before I have to go.”

“Then you’re a sap.”

“You never complained before.”

“I’m complaining now.”

“Now come on (Y/N),” Kiyoshi pouted, you could hear it, “don’t be so cold to me. I will be gone for a month! No homemade waffles for the time being! No expert-opinion about your colleagues when you need to rant a bit!”

Tiredly you rolled around and faced your boyfriend for by now nearly seven years. “I think I will manage to not have a shoulder to whine into. But the missing waffles could be a problem…”

Kiyoshi crossed his arms over his chest, the black hair falling into his eyes until he had to blow it with a cute pout out of his vision. “You only like me for my cooking! How mean!”

“Well,” you sat up and slung your arms around his neck, dragging your boyfriend in for a short hug, “then I would advise you to burn your food more frequently. Otherwise you keep going to travel around and not stay here.” You allowed yourself to fall backwards and into the warm cushions. “How long will you be gone again? I keep forgetting the exact plan.”

While Kiyoshi again started to explain the detailed plans of the feudal lord to travel around the fire country with him as the personal cook in his footsteps, your thoughts started to drift off after hearing the time of return (“In exactly four weeks, two days and seven hours.”)

For years you hadn’t thought about the strange encounter in the forest. It seemed so far away, like a long-forgotten dream, suddenly coming to life again.

Quickly you shook your head. _Sappy woman. Come back to earth._

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong?” Kiyoshi asked, his warm, dark eyes instantly filling with worry as they hushed over your face, trying to find traces of your emotions or a possible impending sickness.

 

“I’m fine, you worrywart,” you chuckled, “and you should go soon. Time runs, you know?”

One glance at the clock standing at the nightstand and your boyfriend jumped off from your shared bed, hastily running around and collecting the last bits of things he claimed to absolutely need.

_Really seven years? And he hasn’t changed one bit. Time really runs._

Slowly you sat up, yawning on the way and ruffling shortly through your hair. Listening to the male running around and cursing occasionally at the different scattered things was almost an everyday issue. The only difference today was that he would stay longer away and not only for his job at a famous restaurant here in Konoha, where he had to stand up early and work nearly until midnight. In comparison, your job as a nurse at the Konoha hospital was just as busy. A lot of your friends asked you on a frequent base if it wasn’t stressful to match your schedules to have at least some hours every day together. But it was alright, you would always say and laugh at their unbelieving faces, because you loved each other. You were accustomed with each other’s habits, knowing what the other liked and disliked like the back of your hands, noticing even slight differences in each other’s actions. Dealing with your busy lives was nothing, after all you did what you loved and were able to live with the person you loved from the bottom of your heart.

It had been alright. But… For you, it wasn’t anymore. It was like… Something was missing, something essential, something you hadn’t missed a few months ago, though now it was like a sharp pebble in your shoes, constantly there and annoying the hell out of you.

Maybe the time spent apart would your brain allow to figure things out.

 

One last time, Kiyoshi stuck his head into the bedroom, breaking into a wide grin as he saw how you tried to rub the sleep out of your eyes. “Well…” Awkwardly the blackhead scratched his cheek. “I guess, I will see you in a month?”

Instantly you put a pout on your face, glaring playfully at Kiyoshi. “What? No goodbye and save travel-kiss? Who are you?”

The relief on his face was easily visible. He weaseled over and bend down to peck your lips, then was faster out of the room and your shared flat than a flash. Only to leave you in his wake, asking yourself if he was just as much reading the atmosphere right as you did.

With a sigh you plopped backwards into your bed. No use in overthinking it. Whatever it was. Certainly not a loving and healthy relationship.

“Not healthy…” you snorted and rolled on your side. With a sigh you breathed a few strands out of your face. “Sounds like he constantly beats me up.”

That was so far off from the truth like saying the first Hokage had been an evil villain.

No, not “unhealthy”. Just… Just not what it had been once.

For some more long moments you laid there, lazily playing with the edges of your warm and cozy blanket, then you abruptly got up and started to prepare yourself for another stressful day at the hospital. The chef nurse had appointed you for the next week for the two stations which were especially reserved not only for active shinobi injured during a mission, but also for ANBU, the elite department directly listening to the Hokage. To put it mildly, a just as worthwhile as dangerous task. A lot of rules were tightly bound to that position. Don’t remove their masks, don’t ask questions, be as non-threatening as possible.

Easier said than done in those ridiculous full-body suits the nurses had to wear if blood, poison or other unknown liquids were on or in the patient. And considering you were working with ANBU, that meant you had to wear those terrifying things all of the time.

 

An hour later, you were ready to face the day. Your stomach filled with an easy yet energy-rich breakfast, hair and teeth brushed and clothed in some relaxing clothing, you went out, locked the door behind you and only wasted a small thought on the loneliness of the apartment which would await you later today.

It was a nice day. The sun was shining, some clouds drifted over the blue summer-sky and no wind was disturbing the scenery of absolute peace in front of you. Children playing on the streets, their laughter floating in the air, young families walking around, talking to each other and making gentle jokes, groups of friends, loudly chattering and throwing their arms into the air whenever one of them made a terrible pun and sometimes even shinobi could be seen, jumping over the roofs of the nearby houses and on their way to important missions.

Just peaceful. Nice, relaxing. You breathed deeply in, savored the fresh and still warm air. Then you started to walk, a bag slung over your shoulder and a light smile on your lips. Most of your friends would describe it as a slightly teasing one, one corner of your mouth higher than the other, your eyes sparkling in childish mischief, but lately those comments had stopped almost entirely.

Maybe it had also something to do with the dullness of your relationship with Kiyoshi.

_Stop thinking like that._

Shaking your head, you continued the way to your working place, the hospital of Konoha. Today it would be a day-shift for you, at least that was what the timetable had shown yesterday. But as you stepped into the changing room and threw out of routine another glance at the fateful paper, you took a double-take, only to hiss full of rage underneath your breath.

This goddamn slave-driver of a head nurse had yet again overthrown the whole plan! Conveniently to her advantage and to the advantage of her little pets and favorites. Unluckily that didn’t include you, so you were now stuck with a goddamn 32-hour shift!

 

“What is this shit?” you growled and stomped over to your locker. The earlier fairly good mood was completely erased at the sight of working for nearly two days straight, with some of the most dangerous shinobi your village could offer. At the thought of an ANBU going crazy while you tried to help him… Your stomach coiled into a tight knot. Panic flooded your mind, sheer and raw horror at the mere thought of a kunai pointing towards your neck, the sharp knife so _close_ to end your life, wandering down your pulse and blood running along the grey metal…

Blindly you felt for the locker and clawed into the rims, not caring about the pain running through your hands. You didn’t want to experience something like that ever again. Never again.

_That won’t happen. Keep your cool woman, just keep your cool and everything will be fine._

Your fingers were pale as you slowly loosened them, deliberately one by one until you felt good enough to continue the procedure of slipping into this ridiculous suit you disliked so much. At last, you adjusted with jittering fingers the hat one last time and wrinkled the white and formless uniform out. Around you the room had filled. Other nurses came in and left, either on their way to a shift, taking a deserved break from patients and demanding doctors or hastily stripping their dreaded outfits off, eager to get home to their families and lovers.

Chie stumbled to the locker beside yours, her brown bun falling apart and her slender shoulders slumped underneath the weight of her responsibility.

“Hard shift?” you asked.

Tiredly the female nodded. Even her breathing seemed slowed and exhausting in itself, ragged and dragged out. “It’s like every male shinobi at once forgot how to avoid injuries. Why only the men? Why not the women? They would be at least responsible enough to come before the wound would start to reek like a dead fish!”

“And our favorite guest?”

Chie sighed in annoyance. “Than I would’ve excused myself. No, Hatake thankfully,” she clasped her hands together in a prayer, “ _thankfully_ didn’t come in today. But never say never, I heard he’s on a mission currently and that his return his scheduled for tomorrow.”

In annoyance you massaged your temples. “So, we have to count on a possible visit next week.”

 

The brunette opened her locker and stared for some seconds at her carefully folded clothing, before she oh so slowly started to peel her sweaty uniform off. “Ye. Next week. Until then, let’s hope he doesn’t stumble over a too sharp butter knife. I swear, if I have to deal with his antics one more time…”

You shortly hugged Chie from behind, feeling how the tension left her shoulders at your cautious touch. “Don’t worry too much. Maybe this time he has a team who doesn’t need his protection, hm?”

“Hopefully. Would be a first.” With a shake of her head and a little smile, your friend thanked you. Then her smile wavered, made place for a wrinkle of her forehead and a spark of guilt in her eyes. “Didn’t Kiyoshi leave today? How are you feeling?”

“Good.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“But I’m telling you, I’m fine!” you said. To prove it, you stretched your arms out and spun around once, two times. “It will be nice to have some time for myself, one month, I tell you! One whole month!”

Worried, Chie’s eyebrows wandered higher. “That doesn’t sound like-! Well, you’ll figure it out, I believe.”

Your head swam from the confusion and the dimly rising awareness of _something_. “Figure it out? What figuring out?”

But your friend only waved nonchalantly her hand over her shoulder, her steps already directed towards the exit and a relaxed day with her family. Automatically your bottom lip jutted out and you crossed your arms over your chest, hiding the shaking of your fingers and covering your stomach, where a tight knot had started to form over the last minutes of stolen time. You weren’t able to buy more time by chattering with other nurses. They all were busy and you would favor to go to hell than stopping them from helping patients and saving lives. One last inaudible sigh, then you walked out of the break room, praying inwardly for a calm day and that your path wouldn’t cross the one of a dangerous ANBU.

 

Nearly two full days. Two days of running around, reacting to emergencies, smiling at people with only a few hours to live and spending hope where none was left. It was draining, but also so incredibly rewarding when another patient jumped out of the sight of death, saved by a surgery or the care you and the other nurses gifted them with, when another patient finally manage to stand up with a prothesis for his missing leg, bombed away by an invisible trap, when a mother held her daughter for the first time in her arms, the happy tears in her tired eyes after days of hoping and praying to the gods that the new life would pull through.

Your work was both, draining and giving much needed energy back at once. It was wonderful and terrible, both extremes so close standing by each other that at some days you had problems to differentiate between them. Sometime in between, you managed to sit down for an hour and sleep, leaned against a nearby wall and a mug of coffee in your trembling hands. Then you were back up again, skillfully managing to care for wounded, injured and sick people.

Day and night were swarming together, mashing and clashing, and inside the hospital it was hard to tell what time it was. Only when you threw a tired look outside, away from the bed where one of the long-term man had laid for months, fighting an incurable heavy illness and ultimately losing the battle within himself, you realized it was close to sunrise again.

Half of your shift was done. Half of your shift. Only some more hours, only half a day left. With new enthusiasm, you left the deathbed behind.

 _And until now luck was on my side,_ you thought halfway enthusiastic and only a tiny bit hopeful, _let’s hope it will stay there._

Minutes later, luck decided to change sides and slap you on the way right in the face.

 

Different from common beliefs, shinobi and especially ANBU weren’t delivered to the hospital with a lot of screams, tears and pained shouts. Most of them had an almost horrifying control over themselves and their bodies, not even complaining when their battered and bloodied limbs were bandaged and their broken bones steadied and treated. They almost didn’t look human, with their terrifying masks and blood-stained uniforms, lying lifeless on their beds in their full armor and staring at the ceiling. Only sometimes their fingers would twitch. A single sign they were still alive, still able to feel the pain.

This time, there were three different ANBUs coming in. You just had tried to catch your breath at the reception, checking for any immediate emergencies on the schedule when the formation entered, for each stretcher four carriers. Ghosts dressed in grey and black, their steps not making any sounds on the linoleum of the entrance, their animal features underlined in red and green. You suppressed the immediate horror in your stomach at the sight of the ANBU and fell into their steps. They knew the way by long-achieved knowledge, you didn’t have to say anything as you ran alongside them to the special complex for ANBU. Only when the sealed doors had opened for you and the injured, you dared to direct some words to the leader of the squad.

“What injuries?”

The man, his hawk mask sending cold shivers down your spine, pointed at the first. “Stab wounds in the abdomen, normal kunai, possibly poisoned. Breathing is flat, pulse nearly non-existent. Chances of survival go towards zero.”

“Carry him into room 401.”

He nodded sharply. “Bear has severe burns, second grade and some third. Tried to disarm a landmine. Her left hand doesn’t look good, maybe it needs amputation. A provider for prothesis is already contacted.”

ANBU had their own specialists for artificial legs, arms, hands, toes and fingers. They were fitted for battle and most of their secret features involved extra knives, poison or extractable weapons. You nodded only and waved at another room, knowing the second stretcher with the tall and well-built woman was going in there, just as silent as they had entered the dark hallways. “And the third?”

 

Quickly you threw a glance at the last injured ANBU, trying to assess his injuries before the squad leader could say anything. The first thing you noticed (to your shame and relief) was his fit physique. No blood covering his limbs, no bend and broken bones. His rugged brown hair was tinted black of ash and fire, the edges of his white mask just as smudged as the single streaks of black in his hair. One arm was strapped into a provisory cast made out of sticks and a strange black fabric. One more look and you were sure where this fabric had come from: from his own right leg. There you could see unmarred skin, a bandage where only little blood seeped out and tainted the once white linen and again unmarred skin. Not much, not severe. This one was lucky.

“Nothing serious,” the leader had actually the audacity to chuckle, “just a bruised arm and a single stab wound to the upper calf. He lost a lot of blood, maybe the femoral arteria is nicked.”

Still a serious issue, nothing to laugh about. Your eyebrows drew together on instinct, while your thoughts ran wild, ideas how to solve this problem as quickly and swiftly as possible flew through your head. But what did you have to expect of a bunch of suicidal ninjas, always ready to die for your civilian ass and the peaceful village you lived in but such a cynical behavior at the doorstep to afterlife?

A coping mechanism, nothing else. Deep down, there had to be still some human feelings like fear and the natural rejection of death, not the quiet acceptance they all showed in the hospital.

_Sure, try to tell that yourself. And what about their behavior in a fight? You saw that, experienced it._

A cold shudder crawled over your back. Right. The old, thin scar at the base of your neck seemed to burn underneath the many layers of clothing. The instinct to reach up and cover the long-healed wound was there, but you suppressed the urge, like every time you had to deal with the crazy antics of the ANBU. “Still,” you rasped, “we have to check his leg and see if his muscles were damaged. Room 413 for him.”

Thankfully the squad leader didn’t object to your order, only lowered his chin slightly in acknowledgement. Silent like the shadows themselves, the third stretcher was carried to Room 413.

 

A last nod at the ANBU, then you started to organize the different treatments. The nurses appointed today to the most stressful and nerve-wrecking job in the hospital were thankfully professionals. All of them had seen far worse than that and without flinching backwards or jerking away from the terrible wounds, they started to treat their eerily silent patients, used to their coldness and apathy. So did you, but like usual your hands trembled oh so slightly whenever you had to get close to one of the elite ninjas. The other nurses didn’t notice, you were good at hiding your fear, but the ANBUs were a completely different story. Their covered eyes were basically glued to your figure as soon as you touched them. They sensed your dislike for them, smelled the cold sweat in your neck when you felt them twitching underneath your hands, heard the awfully loud pounding of your heart and the accelerated breathing.

No matter how many times you would do this, it would never feel right. Not like it felt to heal and treat _real_ patients, not those… those _puppets_.

Time flew by and as you were finally able to look up from the cooled and wrapped bandages of the female ANBU, you assumed the morning sun had dawned over Konoha. Gentle hues of yellow, orange and red creeped over the sky, already turning into a light and shiny blue, hinting at the nice weather which would follow later. A beautiful day, but you would see almost nothing of it, like you could only imagine the beautiful sunrise outside.

_Kiyoshi should have left the wide forest around Konoha by now…_

Quickly you shook your head to get rid of the sudden thought. There was no time to worry about your private life. First, it was almost non-existent to begin with, second, there were patients waiting for you and for your care. No time to worry about anything remotely private.

 

A group of four nurses had worked at the woman with her self-inflicted burns, all the while of team of six had fought for the life of the poisoned first. They were still busy, you could hear their hushed words as you passed by their door on the way to Room 413, to the last, not that severely injured ANBU. “Can you come in with me?” you asked one of your fellow colleagues, a man with a pony tail reaching to his lower back, a big and strong man, _a wall to hide behind_ , “for this one we don’t need the whole entourage.”

He nodded only. You heard his steps in your back as you marched to the last door and when you entered, his clinical clothes shuffled loudly in the silence.

The room was sparse and identical to the others you had found yourself in over the years. White walls, a bed with white sheets, only slightly smudged by some dirt, ash and dust, tiny blood spurts in the sea of white, black clothes and grey armor on soft linen. There were no windows to reduce some of the stress for the ANBU. Less opportunities for enemies to break in and kill them.

Still, the ANBU’s mask immediately jerked around as soon as you set one toe into the room. Though he relaxed when his invisible eyes slid over your uniform and the one of the nurse behind you. By now you were fairly good at reading the masked shinobi, like that you saw the spur of tension leaving the shoulders of the patient. Only a tiny spur though.

“Hello,” you murmured in a low, hopefully calming voice, “we’re here to properly treat your injuries.”

_First Rule while treating an ANBU: Declare every single one of your intentions clearly to them. Tell them what you’re going to do, otherwise you might lose your head._

For heavy seconds, the man didn’t react. Intently you stared at his neck, not straight into his face, not daring to meet the overbearing, analyzing stare he gave you and your colleague.

_Second Rule: Don’t look into their eyes. In that regard they’re all like wild dogs. Ready to read your motions wrong and down to kill you._

 

Then, _finally_ , he nodded sharply and your knees almost gave in at the small motion. Nevertheless, you maintained the control over your own limbs and walked slowly, but steadily over to the bed, knowing any kind of hastiness could destroy the small bond of trust the man put right now into you. As far as ANBU knew something like trust.

_Rule three: Don’t trust an ANBU. Never. The very moment you save their lives, they think about how they could end yours in the fastest way possible._

“My name is (Y/N) and that here is Rai,” you said and pointed first at yourself, then at the man in your back, “we were informed that your injuries were not as heavy as the one of your teammates. That is the reason we only come now to you, I apologize.”

“I understand.” The ANBU’s voice was hoarse, like he had inhaled the worth of a lifetime of cigarettes. Dark and promising it echoed through the room, reminding you of water, earth and trees, their branches stretching towards the sky. It was a gentle voice, so unlike all the other voices you had heard over the years, that you actually stopped shortly everything what you were doing and actively allowed yourself to really _think_ about the affect it had on you.

_If I wouldn’t know better, I would think… Nah. Just your stupid dream, nothing else._

“We’re going to check you for any other injuries first,” you said to him and hid your again slightly trembling fingers in your lower back, “before we continue to treat the rest. The bandages you used look like they can hold out a few more minutes. Can you describe to me how did you receive them?”

Unsurprisingly, the man shook his head.

_Rule number four: An ANBU’s first priority is to keep his missions a secret. Ask for permission for more information, don’t pry into it yourself._

Weakly you gestured to Rai, who understood without a word needed. The bigger man stepped to a waiting table with different clean bandages and antiseptic liquids on it, while you tried to swallow your fears down and closed the last bits of distance between yourself and the bed. The last bits of safe territory between you and the ANBU, gone, melted away like ice under the summer sun.

 

The first thing you noticed as you stood so close to the unknown person was the calmness radiating from him. Other shinobi were always looking out for threats, watching out for themselves and for others, never relaxed and never not on duty. This one was in comparison like a big tree. Nothing but the strongest winds would be able to sway him.

“A medic ninja will soon arrive,” you informed him weakly, “and to prepare for his arrival, I will take a quick look at you. Is that alright?”

_Rule Number Five: Always, absolutely always ask for permission. Reference to Rule Number One._

Other ANBU’s would’ve said nothing, only quietly tried to bear your examination with the same stoic front they would’ve used to face the torture of an enemy. This one didn’t. You needed a few seconds, but when a muffled sound escaped from the confinements of the mask, you would swear on your pride as a nurse that the male was chuckling.

Maybe the lack of sleep finally caught up on you.

“May I?” Your fingers reached out to his wounded leg, stopping inches before touching the soiled bandages and waiting in anxiety.

The only reaction was a slight angling of his head, the brown-greyish hair leaving smudges of ash on the once white pillow as he did so.

You took it as an invitation. Still, you were cautious as your fingers carefully plucked the bandages at the calf apart, revealing more and more of the wound. Almost instantly the scent of old and new pus filled the small space, disgustingly sweet and heavy. Inwardly you cursed, seeing the long cut, nearly reaching the bone and really nicking the femoral artery. Slightly swollen and red flesh rimmed the infected wound. Where a clean cut should’ve been, maybe some blood decorating the scene, was a long and ugly gash of inflamed tissue, ripped with the strength of a mad man and reaching from the middle of the strong calf almost down to the kneecap.

“How old is this?” Over your anger at the reckless and not at all sufficient description of the injuries you even forgot the rules which existed to protect your neck. Without any hesitation, you slipped a pair of gloves over your hands and started to clean the injury, not even waiting for the ANBU to answer. There could only be one answer.

“Weeks,” he rasped strained out, “maybe a month?”

 

“Weeks,” you muttered to yourself, “Weeks, he says.”

“Why? Is it that bad?”

“It’s infected. Is there anything else to say?” It was routine for you, to clean cuts and injuries from dirt and pus. But for a long time, you hadn’t had such a particular bad case in your hands. Without looking, you gestured towards Rai, who placed some gaze soaked in disinfectant into your gloved palm. “This will hurt a lot,” you informed the ANBU, who tensed up at your warning, “Probably I have to scrape out the older pus and infected flesh to reach the healthy one underneath all this mess. Only afterwards the medic can properly heal the wound. Is that understood?”

Another wink and Rai held out several dangerous looking items to you, for example a slender pen. At the end a ring of sharp metal blinked under the artificial light. It was perfect to remove infected skin and tissue, but it hurt pretty badly. Well, depending on the state of consciousness the poor patient was in.

The man exhaled loudly. His fingers gripped tightly into the white sheets until you heard them groan, though his injured leg was as relaxed as possible. He jerked his head towards the wound, apparently living after the principle “the sooner, the better”.

Quickly you threw an apologizing glance at the porcelain mask, the earlier fear forgotten in the face of your work you loved. “I try to be as careful as possible.”

You didn’t offer any narcotics. No sane ANBU would take something blurring or numbing his or her senses. In the back of your mind you registered how Rai held his breath as you lowered the sharp instrument to the infected leg and how the hands of the ANBU ripped the first hole into the linen.

When the metal touched the skin and nothing happened, the man made the mistake to think it wasn’t that bad. He relaxed noticeably, only to nearly scream when you made the first move. Because when you truly started to scrape the pus away, to dig the metal into the overly sensitive flesh and tissue, only then the pain rushed through his veins. Burning through his calf like a lightning, making sickening squelching and yet hard noises that even you became a little bit sick, even after all those years you worked as a nurse.

 

Every scrape was another fight, every little patch of previously infected and now cleaned skin a small victory. But it was so much. You worked efficiently and tried to lessen the pain to a minimum, but sometimes you had to dig hardly into the flesh and pull at the skin, to search for healthy blood vessels and matter. The ANBU earned with every suppressed scream and trashing a little bit more of your respect. Lesser men would’ve given in to the urge to scream their throats out, to give in to the agony and martyrdom, but not him. Only the leather of his gloves groaned and his teeth grounded together when the pain grew, otherwise his muscles remained relaxed.

Hours later, you cleaned the instrument, looking not without pride at the now cleanly bleeding wound. Dark red spurts of blood run down the leg and soaked into the white bedsheets, but it was clean blood. Healthy, not tainted by infection or soiled by pus.

You bowed in front of the bed and the ANBU, weakened by the long session, could only turn his masked face into your direction. “The medic will arrive in a few minutes, Please, try to relax a little bit, the worst is done.”

You weren’t even sure if he heard you or even realized you were talking. The cleaning had taken a toll on the man. Spent and exhausted to the very core he laid in the bed, his hands still twitching from time to time like he still felt the metal scraping and digging into his leg. Like that, you and Rai tried to be as silent as possible while cleaning the instruments and managing to prepare everything for the arrival of the medic shinobi.

You had no idea how much time passed, but you were sure it was already morning or even midday when the stressed medic arrived, a middle-aged woman with the Konoha sign dangling around her neck.

“What do we have here?” she asked sharply and already walked over to the patient.

“Infected wound in the left calf,” you said, “starts near the femoral artery and goes towards the knee. He lost a lot of blood, the wound was infected, but we cleaned it. The bone was slightly injured, but apparently nothing serious.”

“Any signs of necrosis?”

“No.” Quickly you stepped around the bed and revealed the wound yet again, checking absent-mindedly your work. “Still, the wound was nasty. Dirt and ash were approximately the catalysator, it didn’t get cleaned properly over the last month, therefore the infection could spread.”

The woman nodded. “I can see that much. Whole leg is swollen and red.” As she touched the calf with cautious hands, the ANBU twitched violently.

 

An emotion rolled over your mind, mighty and in the first moment unrecognizable, only seconds later you recognized the strange, stomach-twisting feeling. You felt with the man, took sympathy in his pain. Never before you had taken part in the healing process of an ANBU. They were soldiers, mere puppets in the hand of the Hokage and you only helped to heal them because it had been one of the little downfalls of a job at the hospital.

Again, the old injury at your neck started to tingle. You suppressed the urge to touch the marred skin and concentrated on the matter at hand, more namely the healing process of the ANBU.

Strange. You didn’t know this man, didn’t even hear his real voice, didn’t even see his _face_ , though you disliked him not as much as the other ANBU’s you got to know throughout the years. Maybe because he actually had reacted to your words. Yeah, that must be it. Other ANBU’s tended to ignore you and your attics as much as you could, but this one had at least reacted, even though weakly and almost pathetically.

The last bits of the treatment were pulled through in silence. Only the medic ninja spoke to the ANBU in a quiet, hushed voice. He answered just as weak. Maybe it was some kind of debriefing or whatever stuff shinobi wanted to talk about when there were also civilians present. Rai and you worked around that for too long to be bothered anymore; just one or two glances were exchanged plus some eyerolls at the “secrecy” the shadowy warriors should exude but missed greatly.

Your job had ruined every imagination or fantasy about shinobi. Only the hard reality remained after all those years of seeing how emotionally stunned most ninja truly were, how much they hurt their loved ones around them, how they didn’t think at all about their family and friends when they threw themselves into the next best enemy to prove their loyalty to their village.

Shinobi only brought pain. From genin to chunin and jonin to the most dangerous section of all, the ANBU corps. All of them were maybe “brave” and “skilled”, however, they failed entirely as human beings. Especially ANBU.

 

All in all, you left the room of the injured man an hour after you had cleaned his wound. A clock on a nearby wall told you enough to sigh out in relief and sag against the next best wall. Only half an hour left of your shift. Blessed thirty minutes of attention, care and friendly words, then you would be able to be as unsocial and uncouth as you wanted.

With slightly trembling knees you pushed yourself away from the cold wall and hastily made your way out of the secret station of the hospital. When you passed by the rooms where the new patients were lying, a cold flare run down your spine. You speed up a bit, slinging your arms around your middle to protect yourself from the unknown danger of the elite shinobi.

Not that it would help in the likely case of one of them snapping.

Thankfully your services weren’t needed anymore. Like that, you were able to leave the hospital on time, more stumbling than walking out of the entrance and blinking tiredly at the bright afternoon sun.

You had no idea how you managed to enter your flat. But somehow you must’ve had enough hand-eyes-coordination to stuff your keys into the belonging lock, push the heavy door open and strip out of your clothes before you slumped into your queen-sized bed. Only in your underwear you barely covered yourself with your blankets and curled your body into a small ball before sleep claimed you with a mighty wave.


	2. Following

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one ever said ANBU had a common sense. You have to experience that on your own to truly understand the meaning of this saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand the next chapter! Slowly, oh so slowly I pick up the pace. But don't fret, the next chapter is halfway done and is looking good for me! 
> 
> my tumblr, if anybody is interested: historicfailure

_“I’m going to the forest!”_

_“Did you do all of your chores?”_

_“Yes mom! Flowers are watered, the hallway is cleaned and I also helped dad with the dishes!”_

_“Alright. Be back at sunset!”_

_You weren’t even listening anymore. Faster than the wind itself, you stormed out of your home, your thoughts already in the greenery of the forest. Your goal was the same as all the other days: the river with the smooth, flat stones, perfect to skip them over the lazily running water. But there was also another thing you had on your mind, actually since the last visit to the forest ended with a tree-child biting you in the finger._

_The boy in his strange clothing ran away last time. You had offered him to play together, but he jumped up and threw himself into the bushes faster than you could think. Pouting at the memory, you kicked a stone out of your way._

_“Stupid…” you mumbled, “Stupid boy.”_

_That was two days ago. And even though he clearly rejected your offer, you had the distinct feeling he would’ve loved to take your hand. Otherwise you couldn’t explain the quick flash of sheer joy in his eyes and the little tug at the corners of his mouth._

_In the range of your house there were no other children. Your parents, responsible for watching and caring for the natural fauna decided to build their home at the edges of the forest, therefore there were almost no neighbors around. Sure, you had school where you meet other children, but right now holidays just started and a long and lonely summer was waiting ahead. Except for the strange tree-boy there were no other playmates around and you were hellbent to convince him to play with you if you would meet him again._

_“If I meet him today,” you said to the mighty tree you passed, “He_ will _play with me.”_

_When you reached the clearing, everything was the same. The sky above you still winked in a clear blue at you, the sun was shining, the clouds drifted slowly across the horizon, a weak breeze ruffled through the leaves above your head. Nevertheless, you warily glanced around, even swiveled in a circle before you stepped onto the free field in front of you, wary of every movement and strange noise a nearing person could make._

_There was nothing. Neither the birds stopped their songs or the bushes cracked under the weight of a child creeping in their shadows. Or anything else, like an animal._

_However… Something warned you. A bell ringing inside your head, telling you there was something waiting, looking over the clearing. Waiting for someone like you, unaware and happily walking inside a trap._

_Unconsciously you chewed on your bottom lip until the sensitive flesh started to bleed under the harsh treatment. Your instincts told you it was dangerous to step out of the protection of the trees, into the light and play like nothing would happen. But the danger wasn’t that prominent to fear for your life. No, there was simply someone waiting, assessing the situation like you tried to, hoping you would take the first step._

_The first step out of your cover. Carefully you inched forward, teeth still deeply sunken into your bottom lip. When your bare toes touched the warmed-up grass, you held your breath until your lungs hurt. Nothing happened. You waited a few seconds longer and when still nothing happened, you allowed the caged air to escape._

It’s not that dangerous _, you told yourself_ , there’s just someone watching, no harm involved.

_Another deep breath in and out. Then, your heart pounding heavily in your small chest, you leaped forward, eyes closed and squealing like your life depended on it. Maybe it did, you had no idea. Only your instinct to trust upon._

_One, two, three steps into the sunlight. Shoulders tense and pulled upwards, you were ready to face any attack thrown at you. A blade, a knife, a firestorm, anything. Nothing happened. Only the birds in the nearby trees sung their songs, calm and undisturbed by your inner turmoil._

_Very carefully, you opened first eye. When everything stayed calm, you opened the other, blinking at the light surrounding you and allowing your shoulders to sink into their original position. Everything was normal, everything was fine. You breathed in the fresh and crisp air of the forest. A laugh rippled inside you, dying to burst out and when it did, your childish laughter echoed over the clearing, free from your earlier worries and fears._

_Someone was around, but he wasn’t going to hurt you. He was content watching, watching you and your attics. Maybe he even enjoyed it? Maybe._

_Humming a weak tune, you turned to the river and continued to search for_ the _perfect stone for skipping over the calm water. If the watcher was really watching your plays, then you would show him how good you were at skipping a stone. As simple as that._

_Minutes went by and when you finally found a stone fitting for your tastes, you positioned yourself at the riverside, the water licking at your toes. Concentration was necessary for successfully reaching the other side, your father told you that. With everything you had, you tried to concentrate, but your mind went astray from your goal. It searched unconsciously for the watcher, screaming and waving arms at him._

See? Look at me! I’m here, watch me and count how many times the stone jumps!

_Your hand with the stone snapped forwards. You felt for a heartbeat how the stone slipped through your fingers. One jump. Another, right after the second, terribly close to the first. Your heart sunk as you watched how the stone slowed and fulfilled a last, terribly unsatisfying third skip before sinking into the depths of the river._

_Tears dwelled in your eyes. That wasn’t good, that wasn’t good at all! Terrible, simply, utterly terrible. Your bottom lip quivered and you bit into it, pretending not to notice the pesky sting in your eyes and nose._

_You were so close to cry out in frustration, close to let go of the tears. But the light step of someone landing in the grass in your back distracted you. Then there was thin voice, cracking and insecure like he wasn’t used to talk with other children (you would only realize that years later). “If… If you want to skip the stone over the water, I mean, all the way to the other side… You have to stand right.”_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

One moment, you were clearly dreaming. Soft pastel colors floated around, warmth was enveloping your body, wrapping you into a cocoon of safety and gentleness. The next, you were awake, your eyes bleary and mind foggy from the sudden disruption. Slowly blinking, you laid on your side, the blankets tightly wrapped around your frame and your feet peeking out of the warm covers.

Was there something going on? Sluggishly you rolled on your back, yawning widely and covering your mouth even though you were completely alone.

Did something wake you up? That question ran circles in your mind. Slow and pretentious circles, but it _did_ run around. With every round you grew clearer, with every round your instincts rung louder. A high and chiming bell, annoying and always right.

Since your childhood you learned to trust your instincts. In that regard you resembled a wild animal. You just knew when someone was watching you, it was an itch in the back of your head. When a shinobi tried to sneak out of his bed and out of the hospital past the curfew, it was an ice-cold shower down your spine. And when someone was in the same room as you, masking his presence and cloaking himself into shadows, it was a bell, ringing and chiming until the intruder left.

_It’s the bell. The fucking, goddamn bell._

Panic coiled in your stomach, horror tightened around your lungs. _There was someone in your bedroom._ Someone in your home. A stranger, a creep, a thief? Nobody who was in a sane state of mind would break into your home in the middle of the night!

_Murderer. Killer. Rapist._

Your mind hissed about all the crimes one could do to you. Further and wilder your mind spun those dark fantasies, horrible pictures of broken bones and shattered minds. Blood and screams, ripped clothes, futile struggles and muffled sobs. Even underneath your thick blanket you trembled violently.

 

Was there really someone? You held your breath, all the while straining to hear anything else but your painfully loud breath in the silence of the night. Nothing. Nothing but your own pounding heart. Blood rushed in your ears and you swallowed thickly, before turning on your side again.

 _Act normal_ , your brain helpfully delivered, _act fucking normal. Toss and turn a little bit, settle on my flank, stay calm. Whoever is in here doesn’t need to know I’m awake._

While you fully sunk into your cushions, you bit into your lower lip. Only when blood coated your teeth you let go. And you still didn’t calm down. The horror only grew to enormous proportions, bloated and rampantly exceeded logical levels. Desperately you kept your eyes shut, biting into your tongue. A scream echoed in your lungs, born out of bottomless fear. This scream shouldn’t come out, under all circumstances. If the invader found out about you being awake, he would _do_ something and you were pretty sure you wouldn’t like this ominous _something_ , not at all.

You swallowed again, a thicker gob of panic this time. A muscle in your upper left calf twitched and you really tried to maintain the control over your limbs, but it was useless. Tears wailed up as you felt how the leg thumbed against the mattress. No one in a three-meter radius would be able to _miss_ this. No one with a brain would think you were still asleep.

Your breath hitched. But… Nothing happened. No body throwing itself upon you, no hands grabbing our legs and pulling you out of your bed, no pesky comments about your sleeping habits or anything indicating someone was in here.

Maybe your instinct was wrong this time. Maybe there was no one else in the bedroom, the most private space you had, the room you only had shared with one person who was away currently.

 

Just in the moment you relaxed the tiniest bit, a groan of wood in your back made your body flinch again. The chair in the corner of the bedroom, a simple, old, wooden chair. Old and worn-out, dark wood, greyed-out cushions. Mostly you dropped your clothes on the chair. Light things, things which didn’t move during the night, things you were absolutely sure which wouldn’t strain the worn-out wood too much. Things which wouldn’t make the furniture groan.

Instantly the bell inside your head chimed again. There was someone _sitting on your chair_ , in the middle of the night, who broke into your apartment to _watch you sleep_ while he did only the gods knew what and planned whatever he wanted to do with you-!

“Don’t panic.”

You froze instantly. Only your heartbeat pounded throughout your whole body, blood running thinner with every second which passed. A voice, strange, foreign, dark. No one you knew or ever met. Definitely dangerous.

The voice spoke again, almost a whisper and not hearable over the pounding of your heart. “There’s no need to panic. Stay calm.”

_Easier said than done?_

You swallowed another bite of panic. The glob choked you, kept getting stuck on the way down, stealing the air for itself and not giving anything back. Who was this? Why was he here? What was he doing in your room, in the middle of the night? More panic, raw and cold, cut through your mind and body, making you jitter underneath the blankets despite the warm temperature inside the room.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” the voice continued, “but if you scream I have to make sure no sound makes it out of this room. Is that understood?”

Wildly you nodded. Your hair ruffled over the pillow, the sound far too loud in the thundering silence. The sheets underneath your body nearly ripped as you clawed into them. What would happen to you? What had he planned?

 

One of your questions was answered. The voice - _this voice, this terrifying, unmovable voice_ \- wasn’t louder than a hushed whisper but every word was an undeniable command. “Don’t scream. Don’t panic. I’ll count from ten downwards and you breathe loudly out whenever I say a number. Understood?”

Another nod. Counting? Breathing? What? A storm whirled through your head and you had no idea what was going on.

“Good.” The voice sounded pleased at your obedience. “I’ll start now. Alright, breathe in.”

Slowly, you sucked far too fast a rush of air in. It went the wrong way and you choked, coughed and nearly died as you tried to hold the rest of the choking fit in. It was useless. Your lungs burned until the coughs hollered out of your mouth, harsh and ripping at your throat. Automatically you covered your face with your blanket and hand, trying to keep more of them inside but the agonizing coughs continued to force your whole body to wrench and wreck on the bed.

A warm chuckle erupted in your back when the first wave of coughs died down. “Well, breathing seems a bit too much, hm?”

Still weakly coughing and rasping, you nodded once more.

“Okay.” The voice said. Another groan of wood told you the man the voice belonged to moved a bit, maybe balancing his weight differently on the weak chair. “Maybe something different. Do you want to turn around to see who’s in here with you?”

You would’ve answered. Surely you would have. But currently, you didn’t trust your voice one bit. So again, you nodded hectically, sharp, short motions of your neck and chin.

“Then turn around. Slowly,” the voice ordered before you could even start to move, “And again, I’m not going to hurt you in any way.”

 

_Okay. Slowly. Very slowly._

While you rolled around on the wide mattress, a dozen of different thoughts shot through your mind. There was still worry rooted deep down in your guts, but a little bit of the rock softened up by the gentle attitude of the enigma sitting in your bedroom. Why did the man do nothing at all besides giving you harmless orders? Why was he sitting there in your chair, calmly waiting until you turned around and would see his face? His whole behavior didn’t make any sense, was not fitting for a simple thug or thief breaking into your apartment and playing his sick games for his own enjoyment. What was he?

_Who was he?_

First, your eyes darted over the familiar ceiling. Even the cobweb was up there in the corner, unimpressed by the little drama going on right underneath. Then, your vision fell on the window and the silhouette clearly differentiating from the moonlight falling through the glass. Dark and still unmistakable. He was leaning forward, his forearms laying on his knees and his hands entangled, dangling in the air as he waited for you. His feet were steadily rooted on the ground in… _shinobi sandals_.

 _Oh no._ You felt your heartbeat accelerating the moment you spotted that little detail. Quickly you looked upwards again, to his face. And really, there was the telltale white blinking in the darkness, only interrupted by thin lines of red and green, which seemed black in the surrounding shadows. An ANBU. An ANBU broke into your house. And only now you realized that you indeed heard this voice before, but only hours ago it had been too weak and roughed up by smoke to identify it in your hazy mind.

_Okay. That is the reason why we have rules in the hospital._

Distance. Professional _fucking_ distance. You hadn’t kept the distance, had joked a little bit, _the absolute bare minimum_ , with him but to your personal misfortune, that had been enough for the ANBU to get attached to you.

The rules existed to protect the nurses from the ANBU. The elite of Konoha was without a doubt the best of the best when it came to infiltration, espionage and mass annihilation. They honed their skills in the darkness, didn’t come close to their own comrades, mostly they even had no idea how they looked like. The environment in the ANBU corps was extremely brash, harsh and uncaring. So, when they received the first real care in months, sometimes _years_ , some ANBU developed an unhealthy obsession to the nurses involved into their healing process. Mostly male shinobi were enraptured and bewitched, only sometimes a female ANBU was that starved off personal attention that they would follow a nurse home. To protect the medical staff from the crazed attention of socially stunned ninjas, the hospital worked together with the council of the village to protect the civilians from any unwanted attention through their protectors and shadow warriors.

The rules weren’t fool-proof. Not at all. But they were a safe guideline through the day, a light in your personal hell to follow and until now, they hadn’t let you down.

A tiny little break of the rules. Only one misstep, one toe crossing over the red line you should never cross at all costs. And here you were, the ANBU you treated this morning in your bedroom, asking yourself if this was reality or just a terrible, cruel joke of your mind. He invaded your safe space, a space you created for yourself and for Kiyoshi and not for this man who took a liking to you because you overstepped your boundaries!

The mask was slightly crocked to the side, the unmoving animalistic face forever drawn into a lazy grin. When the man moved, only a small gesture with his hand, you sat in your bed, the soft blankets pressed to your chest like a shield to protect you from any unwanted advances.

The man cocked his head even more to the side and slowly the hand sunk again into its original position. “As I said,” he said, “I’m not going to hurt you. That was never my intention.”

Breathing deeply in, you steeled your strained nerves. “What is your intention then?”

 

Thin and nearly shattering at the next impact, that was how your voice sounded. You heard the insecurity and raw fear so clearly like you could see a clear blue summer sky, vibrating in every small word and every tiny syllable. The ANBU did too. His head straightened abruptly and you flinched backwards, against the headboard of your bed. Who knew, maybe he could sniff your blinding panic in your sweat?

“I wanted…” He wrung his hands together, a strange sign of nervousness in an otherwise unmovable shinobi. “I wanted to say thank you.”

That didn’t sound like a twisted confession of undying love like you had expected.

“Huh?” you grunted. Not your most intelligible answer or whatsoever.

“Yes. For… for…” He sighed deeply and for the first time, the man seemed like a real _human_. Maybe it was still the afterimage of the warmth and security he emitted in the hospital room or the careful and even gentle sentences he said only a few minutes earlier but you couldn’t help yourself but to lower your blanket and the defenses a little bit.

“For what?” you dared to ask.

No answer. You watched how he lowered his head into his hands, rubbing wildly over the porcelain like… he was possibly frustrated? Was he? Was he not? You couldn’t tell and you were awful when it came to reading the body language of a person. But this gesture you couldn’t miss. It was the epitome of human frustration reflected in that gesture, so incredibly human and real and _open_ like not a man with a mask covering his features sat in your room. But a real person, with feelings and wishes for the future. No robot or puppet for the higher-ups, no easily controlled tool with no feelings in the face of death.

 

Abruptly the ANBU stopped. Eyes, sharp like a hawk’s, pierced right through you and you immediately scrambled back into your original position, the blanket tickling your chin and knees drawn to your chest. Alright, maybe more like a partly tamed dog who was either down for a belly rub or a bite into the hand closing in.

“I wanted to thank you for treating me like you did,” he finally said after more moments of heavy silence, “that you cleaned my wound and talked to me during the process. It… It wasn’t exactly pleasant.”

“It never is.”

“I can imagine.”

Absent-mindedly, you wrinkled the blanket pooling in your lap out, while your eyes laid the whole time on the masked man, who was again fiddling with his own fingers. Was he unaware that breaking into the apartment of a civilian wasn’t exactly considered as part of the traditional “thank you” process? Was he aware it was actually strictly forbidden for nurses to have any contact to their patients outside of the hospital, except when they had a solid reason? Was he aware you had to tell your bosses about this situation, who would tell his bosses and probably suspend him for a while to evaluate his mental state and health?

_Please. We’re talking about ANBU and shinobi in general. All of them are batshit crazy. All of them._

He probably didn’t spend one second actually thinking about the problems his criminal acts would have later on. For professional tricksters and liars some shinobi were weirdly straight forward or not thinking at all.

The scar at your neck tingled again uncomfortably. And most of the time, they didn’t think at all about the consequences the non-shinobi around them had to endure. Your hand was already rising, reaching out to the old tissue, but you stopped yourself just in time and let it look like you just wanted to wipe some strands of your hair out of your face.

 

Selfish bastards, all of them. They were selfish in their righteous behavior, always claiming to protect the civilians of their villages, but in the end, they only hurt their loved ones, again and again and again. And more than once, this endless circle didn’t even have the time to start properly.

Even today, you could clearly recall the feeling of a sharp kunai slicing through the sensitive skin, nipping at your blood vessels while the one holding it handled the tool with the delicacy of a butcher with years of experience under his belt. Coldness wandered through your bones at the mere memory, at the memory of death standing on your doorstep and how quickly your life could’ve ended that day.

And at fault were shinobi. Shinobi and their codes and rules, their principles and boundaries. No emotion, no real goal or wishes. No place for everyday life.

Anger welled up in your stomach, burning, scorching and torturing. Abruptly you straightened your whole body, your spine like steel, what caught the attention of the masked man. His covered eyes followed your movements, how your hands stroked over the soft cushions in your lap and how your feet moved underneath the blanket, ruffling the fabric oh so slightly.

When you directed your words at him, you had the distinct feeling the masked man listened attentively, taking their meaning in like one of his superiors gave him a new mission. “I appreciate your manners. But that was my job, like it’s your job to do all the dirty deeds our village has to offer. There’s no need to break into my flat to thank me for something which is self-evident.”

The ANBU nodded slowly. Encouraged by his silence, you continued. “But I have to remind you, in case your superiors haven’t told you that nurses are encouraged to report any ANBU who follow them to their respective homes. I have no idea what your punishment would be, therefore I would like to refrain from such a thing. Especially considering you still have to take it slow, the muscles and flesh in your calf were heavily damaged and healed, all on the same day. So…”

 

His warm voice sent shivers down your spine. This time not out of nervousness or anxiety, instead you felt your cheeks flaring up, blood rushing through your veins and a fluttering feeling in your chest. Unconsciously you clawed into the blankets in your lap, trying to restrain yourself from warily touching the skin above your rebelling heart.

“I must apologize. You’re right, my action was hasty and not thoroughly thought through. My behavior surely caused you a lot of stress, didn’t it?”

“You could say that, yes.”

“I have to apologize again. I was…” He shook slowly his head. “It’s not too late to blame the painkillers, right?” If you didn’t know better, you would say you could hear a boyish grin shining through his question.

The corners of your mouth twitched pitifully upwards. An ANBU with a rest of humor. Who would’ve guessed? “It isn’t. Don’t worry. As long as you swear not to break into my flat anymore, I see no reason to consult my superiors about… _this_.” you said after the urge to smile at the weak joke subsided.

A deep sigh lowered the shoulders of the man. When he stood up, his movements graceful and silent like a carnivore on the hunt, you managed to not flinch away in the slightest. Strange. The ANBU didn’t feel like an invader, at least not as much as before. His presence was still strange, felt foreign and scary to you, though the warmth and calmness of the man you already noticed in the hospital grew more prominent. In your thin sleeping clothing, you sat hunched up in your bed and watched how the sturdy yet graceful man moved around. He rearranged the chair into the belonging corner, carefully draped the clothing he set aside to sit on the furniture over the cushions again, always keen on not touching any kind of underwear. A strangely touching gesture. Then, with the grace of a hunter, he turned around, the black and grey of his uniform perfectly mixing into the shadows and the darkness of the night. Only his porcelain mask was clearly visible in the dark of your room, the face of a cat hovering without any kind of hold around your room.

 

“Have a good night, then.” he said. And if you weren’t mistaken, you would even say his voice had a gentle undertone, interwoven with his natural warmth.

“Have a good night too, ANBU-san.” Awkwardly, you raised your hand to a silly, little wave. “And stay safe.”

“That you don’t have to patch me up so soon again?”

This time, a real chuckle left your mouth. “That too,” you answered and even before you opened your eyes again, you knew the ANBU was gone, escaped through whatever way he used to get inside your home, “that… too.”

 

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The rest of the night was uneventful. No other ANBUs breaking into your space and thanking you for your services, no angry superiors demanding to know what the nightly visitor wanted and no enemy shinobi trying to capture you, thinking you could be important to the mysterious elite ninja. That didn’t mean you easily fell asleep after the ANBU left. For more than an hour, you stared at the spot where he had sat, counting the dirty spots on the old cushion of the chair, the small nicks in the old wood, counting inwardly the minutes. Then, like death itself stood right beside your bed, his scythe hanging low above your head, you jumped up and speed out of the bedroom. Hectically and like your life depended on it, you searched through your flat. For what? You had no idea. Fear crammed in your stomach, bubbling upwards and choking you again. Blindly you felt for the locks at the entrance, only to find them untouched and just as secure as you left them yesterday evening. Next were the windows. One by one by one, you checked them, rattled at the locks, heaving and gasping and with trembling fingers. None of them budged, no lock was askew, the glass wasn’t shattered or even slightly dirty. Everything was like no one ever came into your flat without your permission, everything was alright.

At the end of the search, you stood in the middle of your dark living room. Only the moonlight shone through the windows, painting your shadow over the carpet underneath your feet. In your light sleeping clothes and clenched fists, both hanging by your side, you stood there, staring wildly around. You were alone, painfully, obviously alone.

No ANBU. No other man. No Kiyoshi. Just you and your wildly beating heart, pounding away until your accelerated breath peaked in a broken gasp and a single tear rolling down your face.

_I’m such a bad girlfriend. The very first night Kiyoshi is gone and I bring a stranger back into our flat._

At your silly thought, a chuckle fell from your lips, enough to break you out of your panic. “Don’t be unnecessarily stupid,” you whispered to yourself, “you’re no criminal and ANBUs only go after criminals. He won’t hang around your flat any longer after he left. He didn’t seem to be starved from human interaction or any kind of closeness, so he won’t come back. He _won’t_ come back.”

Even when you laid again in your bed, the blankets tugged up to your chin and eyes tightly shut, the hollow words echoed in your head, mocking you with their false sense of security.

 

Needless to say, you didn’t catch much sleep that night. Even when you managed to slip into the frail depths of sleep, your dreams were a shambled, confusing and somehow frightening mess of old memories and new horror scenarios. When you awoke, your attire, blanket and pillow were drenched in cold sweat, hair in a greasy frenzy and marks in the palm of your hand from your fingernails. They dug hard into the sensitive flesh during the night and you didn’t even awake.

With a little sigh you disinfected the small wounds, winced while putting on a band-aid and went on with your day, only noticing the slight flashes of pain when you would actively use your hands. Thankfully you didn’t use them much. Today was a calm day, no work, no shift to attend, no emergency duty. Standard procedure after such a long stay at the hospital. At least that.

Although you pushed the scary memory of the ANBU back, his presence still seemed to linger inside your flat while you slowly clothed yourself. Unconsciously you avoided the places where he had resided. The chair where he sat, the clothes from the day before lying just like you had dropped them there before falling into bed. The place in front of the window where he stood, his shoulders a tiny bit hunched and the porcelain mask blinking in the cold light of the moon. You rounded those places on the carpet like his afterimage was still taking up space, like the ANBU was still there, in the room, with you, not moving an inch and not vanishing at all.

You still had no idea how he broke in. No signs on the doors, nothing at the windows when you checked them again, as paranoid as you felt after the nightly visitor. Well, it was their job after all. Getting into heavily guarded fortresses with hundreds of potential enemies around, then your poorly secured place in a three-level building with no real threats for a well-trained shinobi wasn’t a challenge.  

 

Quickly you shook your head. Determined, you grabbed the pants you threw on the chair and pulled them over your legs, standing in front of the window, the blinds pulled down half-way. Nothing to fear, you told yourself over and over, absolutely nothing to fear for you. The ANBU was gone, would stay away from now on and with a report to your superiors you would even make sure he had absolutely no chance to come again.

Except… You had given him your word _not_ to file some charges against him. Your hands paused in their attempt to draw a shirt over your upper body, before letting the fabric fall over your stomach, the soft material caressing like the fingers of a lover your stomach. Why were you feeling so ambivalent between your life-long fear for ANBUs and the instinctive trust you harbored for this special masked shinobi? Torn apart between a habit you cultivated for years and the sudden affection for a person you knew barely for half an hour.

Your eyebrows furrowed on instinct as you pondered over the possibility of the man again sneaking into your apartment after a possible report from your side. All the while you clothed yourself further, until you found yourself in front of the fridge, t-shirt, loose pants and socks on your feet.

Well… In front of your nearly empty fridge. A few eggs, a slice of butter and strangely a bundle of horseradish. Nothing else.

“Fucking short-time shift changes,” you hissed and threw the fridge door closed, “fucking teacher’s pets and their stupid switching of my shift because I don’t shower in lube and crawl up the head nurse’s ass!”

Not even some milk for some cereal. Kiyoshi must’ve used the last bits for the breakfast he made for you. And like you had thought he believed you would go grocery shopping right after your shift. But neither you or him would’ve thought of the head nurse and her favoritism for her little minions.

 

Still grumbling under your breath, you pulled a light jacket over your shoulders and grabbed a pen and paper, scribbling the shortest of possible shopping lists down. Then, after scrambling through some bags and selecting a medium-sized one, grabbing your purse and some money, you finally could get started with some totally unnecessary grocery shopping, when all you wanted to do was to bury yourself in your bed, tug the blanket over your head and close your eyes for some more hours. Just to forget yesterday in its entirety. But no, you had to go out, face the cloudy day and pretend you weren’t absolutely shaken up and weak in the knees. Still, after a few hours went by between now and the meeting.

An angry look at the sky when you stood outside, before you made your way closer to the heart of Konoha, where all the markets and small shops were located. On the way you tried to lift your spirits a bit by forcing yourself to see the good side of everything (today and tomorrow there would be no work, this evening you could go all out with your dinner, for once you didn’t have to turn off the lights early and stop to read in bed at a good part) but as soon as you remembered the night and the ANBU, the forced happiness dropped to an all-time low.

Your face was contorted into a mask of disgruntled annoyance as you entered one of your favorite shops. It even kept the employees at bay, who usually loved to chat with you about the ongoing gossip on the streets and like that, you shopped for the ingrediencies for your dinner and the entire coming day in tense silence. Placing the items in front of the cashier and paying for them, packing the freshly acquired packages into your bag and hoisting it up your shoulder. The straps dug sharply into your flesh but you clenched your teeth and thanked the cashier with a strained smile, before stomping out of the shop.

Outside, you stopped for a second, breathing deeply in. The fresh air rushed into your lungs, filled them to the brink. You held the oxygen inside, waited until your ribs groaned in pain, only then you released the breath.

 

Somehow, everything seemed more taxing than usual. Coming here, shopping, selecting every single item and choosing what you wanted to eat over the next days. Was it because Kiyoshi was gone or because of the shocking visit?

_Strange. Since yesterday I didn’t think about Kiyoshi._

For some more moments you pondered what could that mean for you. Something important, something big and heavy, something scarily changing in your set ways. Before you would drown in those thoughts, you chased them away with a resolute shake of your head.

It was nothing. Between Kiyoshi and you everything was fine. Nothing to worry about, totally. Every relationship grew a little bit loose over the years, especially after whole seven of those! Kiyoshi and you, you were after all not attached by the hip, still two different people. No need to worry about that. It was natural, an occurrence other couples experienced too.

You rolled your eyes at your own silliness. Of course, you were only confused currently, nothing else.

On your way back, you were still pondering over the fact you would doubt your relationship with Kiyoshi, the heavy bag sometimes slipping from your shoulder and you always absent-mindedly tugging it upwards again. Lost in your brain and the slowly rising worry _what was wrong with you_ , you didn’t notice the dark figures hiding in the shadows and following you with their eyes, their sight set on the bag and foremost on the bulge of your purse hanging by your side.

They hit when you least expected it. You just turned the last corner, greeting with a lopsided smile the owner of the dumpling-stand who waved in his typical exaggerated manner and hoisting up the heavy bag to your shoulder once more. You even saw the hints of your building complex, a run-down, but well-kept house with an easily distinguishable bright, green door. Home, a safe place, your space. Then hands grabbed your wrist. Hands of wiry, dangerous steel, dragging you towards and inside a dark and tight valley between the dumpling shop and the crammed store for expensive writing material, often frequented by the secretaries of the Hokage.

 

You only had time for a silent gasp, not louder than the chirp of a cricket, then more hands pulled you deeper into the shadows, uncaring for your stumbling and fumbling with your bag. Those were like wet leather, stinky and uncomfortable against your cheek and mouth as they slid over your face, sealing your lips completely.

“Shut up,” a gravely voice hissed, marked by years and years of usage, “Or my friend here will slit your throat faster than you can regret your actions.”

With a giggle the sharp end of a knife was settled against your throat. New panic, fresh and fierce, raced through your veins. You tried to squirm away, anywhere else but staying there but the knife followed easily, just like another voice reached your ears. In the valley it was dark, too dark for your eyes to see anything but your closest surroundings. _Strange_ , you wondered distantly, _I never noticed…_

“Purse. All the money you have. And the bag with food.” Young, a little bit rusty like he wasn’t used to talk a lot. Definitely not used to it, measured at the disfigured sentences the man dropped. The knife dug harder into your skin, right into the old scar. “Hurry.”

“Hurry up,” the older man echoed and his wiry hands tugged now at the fabric of your tightly filled bag, “Or else he’s going to hurt you.”

The knife moved slightly. At the feeling of the metal digging more into your sensitive skin, dragging along the lines of another fateful scar which seemed to pulse underneath the ill caress. You shut down. There was nothing but the knife and the scar, the familiar feeling of unsettling unknowingness what to _do_ , how to act, what how why _never please stop-!_

Blood rushed in your ears, pulsated through your body. The horror of reality crashed into you with the clarity of someone fighting for his life even when you had no chance to even raise your arms, not to talk about fighting back against two people, who were armed on top of that!

Whimpering, you tried to wiggle yourself free. Your thoughts were in a wild frenzy, every fiber of your being focused on escape, flight, freedom while your body was held captive. You didn’t care about the wiry hands tugging at your bag with food. You didn’t care about the tip of the knife digging harder into your throat, almost drawing blood. Everything you wanted was to get away, away, _away, AWAY!_

Distantly, you felt how your bag was slowly slipping down, dangerously close to falling with your squirming and wiggling, the desperate attempts at escaping. Distantly, you realized the knife was actually cutting you by now, blood running warm and wet down and soaking into the hem of your shirt. Distantly, you were aware of the hands digging into your wrists and upper arms, ripping at your clothes, hurting you and making your stomach churn in painful disgust.

_Please. Please, someone. I’ll do almost everything. But… Please. Don’t let me die here._

Only seconds after you sent your hopeless prayer into the sky, you heard the telltale sound of fists meeting bones, muffled gasps and the clatter of a knife landing on the dirty ground. At the same time, the pressure of the knife against your throat vanished and you instantly broke away when the hands of the robbers let go. Hesitantly you drew the air in, then, when nothing happened and no further threat came, you breathed again in, breathed out, let the air flow in and out of your lungs.

You were still alive. Mostly uninjured. Still shaking, you reached up and swiped across the wetness on your throat. Red coated your fingers as you held them closely in front of your eyes, bright even here, in the shadowy space between trash cans and old, wet newspapers crinkling underneath your feet.

A gloved hand sneaked into your vision. Still filled to the brim with adrenaline, you flinched backwards. The bag with your groceries cluttered to the ground, spreading all the packages and fresh vegetables. You expected to see one of the robbers, the knife raised to end what they started or hands grabbing your clothing and ripping at it, not an open palm and the forearm protector of a shinobi.

 

It wasn’t one of the robbers. They laid a few feet away in the mix of dirt and trash, their limbs spread out and with bruises adorning their temples. It was no friendly stranger from the street who saw what was about to happen and decided to interject. It was no prince on a white horse. The farthest thing away from a prince.

It was an ANBU. _Your_ ANBU, you realized after a few seconds of blind staring. The same spikey, chestnut-colored strands, the same fit, sturdy body, the same cat-mask grinning forever at the world. He stood right in front of you, a dark silhouette blocking your way out, one hand raised, the other, bloodied one hanging by his side.

Two things circled themselves around in your brain, repeating over and over in a mocking tone. Like a carousel, round and round and round.

_He saved you._

_He watched you._

He saved you. He watched you. He saved you, he watched you. Saved. Watched, stalked, preyed. _Saved_.

The ANBU cocked his head to the side, his hand still open and offered for you to take. But you could only stand and stare, the remains of your shopping spread around your shaking feet, one arm shoring you on the wall from falling over. Sickness wandered through your body, coiling in your guts, rotten and foul.

 _“_ No…” You only realized you breathed the single syllable out when the man lowered his hand. In his gear, the grey chest plate and the black pants, the shinobi sandals and the handle of a short sword peeking over his shoulder, he was everything you never wanted in your life. Danger, insecurity, emotional instability. ANBU weren’t true humans anymore, not after the decades they spent in the darkness. They lost _something,_ something essential what every civilian had from the day they were born. Like walking corpses, they creeped through the shadows, killing and longing at the same time to be able to live in the daylight.

Your savior wanted to cling to you because you were a connection to a normal life. For him, you were the epitome of peace, because he never experienced anything remotely similar to true peace.

 

Without a word, you stumbled past him. No word of gratefulness fell from your lips as you continued on your way, no word of recognition left you as you brushed past the man. Only his steady presence crawled over your skin, an unwavering, patient force. Then you stumbled into the light, squinting your eyes at the bright sun and quickly tugging your shirt and jacket up to your neck, where the fresh wound puckered slightly.

In the moment you managed to turn towards your house and take the last steps to safety, you accidently glimpsed again into the dark valley. Distinctly, you saw the two lumps of your attackers, still and lifeless. And to your terror, you saw the dark shape of a standing body with a white porcelain mask hovering above them, looking at you while you hugged yourself and stumbled towards your home.

 

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Your fingers were calm when you cleaned and bandaged the wound at your neck. It really cut halfway through the old scar, ripping the old and healed tissue apart. The path it took scared you. After all those years of peace and quiet, an ANBU developed an interest in you, robbers tried to steal your money and they even managed to cut into the one wound which nearly ended your life? Too much of a coincidence for your taste.

A last assuring pat on the white bandage around your neck and you looked at your work in the bathroom mirror, loosing yourself in the familiar steps of patching yourself up. Even the burn from the disinfectant slowly vanished by now. One last time, you stroked softly over the neatly arranged edges of the thin gaze, then allowed your head to fall forward.

The last 24 hours were the most adventurous you had experienced since you had been a child, even counting in the work at the hospital and at least once a month a crazed jonin tried to battle his way out of the medical facility, not caring about the health of the other, civil patients. You closed your eyes and breathed in. Holding your breath, you consciously relaxed your fingers, which had cramped down on the edge of the porcelain sink and only when they laid flatly against the concrete, you released the air burning your lungs.

_Enough. Enough of this._

“Enough.” Did your voice always sound so tired? So defeated, beaten down, utterly exhausted. You had no idea and the only person who could tell the difference was gone. One last shake of your head, then you gathered all the remaining power you had in your body and walked through the crammed entrance area into the small kitchen.

Seeing the fridge and the empty spaces where packages of rice and noodles were supposed to be in the shelves let you pause. You forgot the groceries in the valley! Your lunch, your dinner, every meal for tomorrow!

Tears stood in your eyes and you had to bite into your lower lip before they could roll down. This… This just wasn’t fair! Now you had to go back and crawl through the dirty valley, assembling your partly destroyed, partly only dirtied groceries again and bringing them up into your flat, sorting again through them to determine which was unusable and which one were actually still good.

 

You were still close to crying out when you stomped over to the entrance, swiping the thin jacket with the last remains of blood clinging to the upper hems over your shoulders. One arm in a sleeve, the other fiddling with the lock for the entrance door, you cursed your bad luck and would’ve continued to do so further. But when you tried to step out, there was something blocking your way and you actually cried out in sheer happiness.

Your bag. The bag you brought along on your shopping trip. The same, dirtied bag which fell to the ground and spilled all of its contents into the valley. And those exact contents were filling the bag, obviously cleaned by someone with a great sense of responsibility and care. Quickly you snatched the heavy bag and carried it inside, humming quietly to yourself. Only when you unpacked the food and ordered them accordingly into their belonging places and a small slip of paper fell to the kitchen counter, the question who exactly took the burden of bringing your groceries back to your flat sprung into your mind.

It could only be one person. Therefore, your fingers were again trembling slightly when you reached out and unfolded the paper.

_I’m sorry for scaring you yet again. It wasn’t my intention. Hopefully the rest of your day will become better._

A neat and easily readable hand writing told about an honest character. That’s what your mother always told you when she saw how you basically scrawled with your pen over paper, her face the tiniest bit smugly grinning. An honest ANBU.

“What a…” You desperately wanted to joke about it. You wanted to shrug the little letter off, wanted to fold it again into a crumpled mess, throw it into the bin and never think about it ever again. Your fingers clamped around the flimsy paper, shook and nearly tore it.

A nice gesture of someone you would deem unable of performing a nice gesture. Gently you wrinkled the freshly created lines out and laid the letter on the kitchen counter, caressing the edges of the hastily prepared paper with the tips of your fingers.

_I never thanked him._

Groaning lowly, you rubbed with your hands wildly over your face. “What am I doing…?” Then, before you could think your plan really through, you grabbed a nearby pen and scribbled a short answer on the back of the message.

_Thank you. I would’ve been gravely injured if you hadn’t interfered. If I can do something for you, let me know._

Later, you placed the small slip on the windowsill of your bedroom. On the outside of course, weighed down by a slightly damaged apple you found in the deepest depths of the bag. You went to bed and were instantly out like a light as soon as your head touched the pillow. The almost constant spiking and lowering of adrenaline over the last 24 hours left you dead tired, exhausted like you run miles after miles for your life. When you woke up, your eyes flew over to the window.

The apple and the letter vanished. Instead, there was a new slip of paper waiting for you, lying underneath a simple, tin paperweight in the shape of the Konoha-leaf.

 

_No need. It was my duty. Like it has been yours to treat me._

 

You would deny it later, but at the sight of the answer the tiniest of possible smiles tugged at the corners of your mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only proofread by me, sorry for any mistakes.


	3. Learning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ANBU doesn't give up and slowly, you start to recognize his efforts, to the point where you make a decision which affects both of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably should mark this fic as a Slow Burn one by now... At least it feels for me like that xD

_Eagerly you wobbled up and down, sitting in the warmed-up grass and enjoying the feeling of the small plants tickling the heels of your naked feet. The sun was shining on your head and a gentle breeze intermingled from time to time with your hair, a soft caressing and tugging. You waited already an hour but instead of feeling down, you held out, enjoying just the moment and the nice weather. You waited for the boy. Last time your games had to end sometime in the evening. But he promised to come back to play and you believed the boy._

_You hummed happily, while your toes curled into the grass. Cool and nice against your heated skin, a nice difference. The boy also enjoyed the nature around you, you saw it in the way how his big, black eyes flittered around whenever he thought you weren’t looking, adoring the trees and the bushes in their beauty and calmness. Whenever he felt unwatched, he crouched down, his fingers curling into the rich earth and the sand running through his fingers. When you tried to learn how to properly skip a stone all the way over the river, the boy more than once allowed the water to lick at his toes, which were clothed in strange sandals you didn’t recognize. When you had asked, the boy ignored the question._

_A frown built on your face. If you thought back, the boy didn’t even introduce himself. Not even his name!_

_“I’m gonna ask him for his name today.” you swore to the trees and the sky, your small, chubby hand curled into a fist. And you would get his name! Even when it meant to tickle him until he would tell you whatever you wanted. Mum always did it when you had eaten one of the cookies meant to cool a bit on the windowsill and didn’t want to spill your crime. Surely it would also work on the boy._

_You didn’t have to wait long for him. Ten minutes after your bold statement, he stood suddenly at the border of the clearing. He almost melted into the darkness of the forest and into the shadows, the only thing which was visible from your point was his pale face._

_“Hi!” Brightly you grinned at him, one hand raised to an exaggerated wave._

_The boy stepped into the light of the clearing. Rapidly blinking, he raised his hand for an awkward wave he gave back at you, before he let the hand drop again to his side. “Hi.”_

_While you stood up and dusted your clothing off, the boy came closer. His long, brown hair was longer than yours and last time you had teased him about it. But you had taken everything back and apologized when you saw how hurt he was by your comments._

_A small smile tugged at a corner of his mouth when he came to a stop right in front of you. “What are we doing today?” he asked._

_“We can play tag!” you instantly said. Then, you shook your head. “Wait! I wanted to ask you something!”_

_The boy only cocked his head slightly. In his black eyes stood clearly the confusion at your attics. “What?”_

_“What’s your name?”_

_If you didn’t know better, you would say sadness fell over the boy’s face. Even his haori seemed to blink a little bit dimmer in the sunlight as he looked away._

_“My name is (Y/N),” you continued, unaware of the growing tension, “and last time I didn’t get to know your name, you know? That’s the reason why I wanted to ask now and I didn’t want to think of you as “the boy” anymore. So, what’s your name?”_

_Wrinkles appeared on the boy’s forehead as he continued to stare darkly at the ground. His hands were hidden behind his back but you heard how the leather slung around his arms groaned. And when he abruptly turned away and started to walk in the opposite direction, you knew you did something wrong._

_Hastily you stumbled after him. “I’m sorry,” you said, “I’m sorry. Whatever I did, I’m truly sorry.”_

_His steps slowed a little bit._

_Encouraged by the small progression, you pressed on. “What’s your name then?”_

_The pace picked up again and you could only watch how the boy threatened to vanish again in the shadows of the forest, just as silent as he had come. “I’m sorry!” you cried out._

_You didn’t want him to leave. You only wanted to know his name! You wanted to play with him again, to roll with him in the grass and hear for once his loud laughter, not worrying about anything._

_Helplessly, you could only watch how the boy melted into the darkness. Your steps slowed, before they completely halted. The grass wasn’t cool against your toes anymore, instead the single holms felt clammy and uncomfortable._

_Tears burned in your eyes, raw despair and sadness dwelling in every single drop. But you swallowed, gulped down the choke of stained air, tried to work around it. Useless. One tear fell, the next followed quickly. With trembling fists stiffly hanging by your side, you stood in the outskirts of the clearing and cried. No sob fell from your lips, no gasp for air or the need to breathe. No, you kept your tears in, the pained sounds and broken whispers. When the first sob was mighty enough to nearly break through your stubbornness, you bit into your lower lip and when blood spread in your mouth, you welcomed the metallic taste._

_You wanted to show him you could keep silent. You wanted to show the boy you could keep your mouth shut, that you wouldn’t ask for his name anymore if he just turned around and came back to play with you. His calmness, the shy smile on his face and the careful questions he would ask about your life, you missed them already. You wanted to show him you could be a true friend, someone he could trust and not somebody who would ignore his wishes without a second thought._

_Angrily, you bit harder into your bottom lip. Like you had done by pressing on with your stupid questions!_

_One minute passed. Only with pure hope for his return you managed to keep the sounds from floating up into the air. Another minute and your knees buckled, not any longer able to let you stay upright. The next minute was just halfway done when a breeze howled over the clearing, stronger than the ones before and foremost, noticeably colder._

_That was it. The boy -your friend- wouldn’t return. He wouldn’t play more games with you, you wouldn’t be sharing some stories about your home with him, he wouldn’t teach you how to skip the stone fully over the river._

_The very first sob was just a mere breath on the clearing, not louder than the birds in the surrounding trees. The second one only grew, wailing and shaking like the gentle sound would break any moment. As the third sob hit you, you crouched down, slung your arms around your knees and stopped holding yourself back. You cried, howled, sobbed, wailed while the relentless guilt gnawed at your insides. You were at fault for hurting the boy. You, only you. He had nothing to do with this, you pressured him into leaving. Nothing else._

_Then, suddenly, a weak slump and the ruffle of bushes. Instantly, you close your mouth and snivel one last time, before wiping the annoying snot with your forearm away. No one should see you cried. No one._

_(You forgot about your still running nose, the puffy and red eyes, the bitten lower lip and the very obvious tears still rolling down your face like a broken faucet.)_

_It was him. His face still casted in shadows, he stepped out of the forest like he never had been gone to begin with. His feet were erringly silent on the grass, not even a ruffle could be heard. You gulped thickly. Right now, he reminded you of the first time you two met and you didn’t like the change one bit._

_After an eternity, he stood right in front of you. Slender hands were curled into tight fists, though they clenched und unclenched rhythmically. Strange. He was… nervous?_

_“You can call me Kinoe.”_

_Kinoe._ Kinoe _. It was a good name. You cocked your head and smiled but deep down you knew something was off. Maybe it was the way Kinoe still stood with tensed shoulders before you. Maybe his voice, whispering the two syllables like his name was to be kept a secret at all times. Or maybe it was the strange expression of his deep, black eyes. Lost and confused, wandering around a deep, dark forest and not knowing when the leaves will make place for sunlight._

_“Kinoe.” Carefully, you tasted the sound of his name. It sounded… nice. You grinned at him, not caring about the streaks of tears clinging to your face or the remains of snot right underneath your nose. Kinoe smiled warily back, one edge of his mouth higher than the other._

_Like that, the issue was cleared. Taking his warm hand in yours, you tugged him towards the river, already blabbering about his teachings from last time and the question which burned holes into your mind. “Okay, last time you said I had to throw out of my knees. But I don’t understand what you meant, can you show me that?”_

_“Sure, (Y/N).”_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

It was close to midnight when you stumbled into your flat, your clothes reeking of alcohol, cigarettes and sweat. Giggling to yourself, you threw your keys into the bowl right beside the entrance. They belonged in there and actually the distance between yourself and the bowl wasn’t that great. Still, you had to do it! Your tongue sneaked out of your mouth as you took your aim, one eye comically squinted, the other not blinking one bit. But the bowl jumped out of the way, just when the metal left your palm. With big clutter and clatter the keys vanished behind the board.

You weren’t sure but you thought you heard a tiny laugh from the bowl.

“Shaddup.” you drawled just in case. This was your flat, dammit, and you would be damned if a mere furniture meant to contain your keys when you were home would laugh at you!

Dropping your small purse without any regards to the maybe sensitive contents inside, you started to peel your swaying body out of your clothes, speaking and giggling to yourself with childish fascination. First the jacket. Grunting faintly, you unbuttoned the light cloth, one by one by one. The button holes shrunk for sure, when you had thrown the jacket on this evening, they hadn’t been that hard to close. Right? But finally, your trembling fingers reached the last one and you could start shrugging the fabric off of your shoulders. One sleeve after the other, then the jacket fell with a hollow sound to the ground.

“See?” You pointed at the jacket pooling around your feet. “You’ve nuthin’ agains’ me! Stuuupid!”

That would teach that treacherous thing a lesson, for sure! To shrink without your permission, how dare that… _thing_!

Your shoes were next, a pair of high heels. Swaying from one side to the other, you stumbled through the entrance area, discussing with yourself if bending over was still in the range of your capabilities or if you should just give up and go to bed with the really uncomfortable leather still clinging to your hurting and swollen feet.

Of course, you still could peel them off! Even after this ridiculous drinking game you played with Chie, you wouldn’t give in to the alcohol!

 

“One…” you counted, “two…” A hiccup shook your body and a giggle followed. “Silly! Aaaaaand _three_!”  

A lot of things happened at once. With a lot of enthusiasm, you bend over, still laughing and the rest of the strong drinks burning in your throat. The world rolled, tumbled and came to a screeching halt. But the world didn’t announce it, so you were caught ice cold. Your balance was thrown off by the sudden movement and slowly, oh so crucially slow you felt how you fell forward. You did nothing at all, just blindly grinning at the ground who came quickly closer.

Until…

Until a soft curse hit your neck. Until strong, warm arms wrapped around your waist and held you upwards. Until the cool porcelain of an ANBU mask pressed into the nape of your neck, the body armor of a ninja into your spine and the forearm-protectors of a dangerous shinobi dug into your hips.

“ _Heeeeeey_ ANBU-san!” Another giggle spurted out of your mouth, rolling in between the walls of the entrance. “What’cha doin’ here?”

He grunted and the weak exhale brushed over your flushed skin. “Saving you from cracking your skull open.”

You nodded hectically. “Not good. Much, much blood.”

Swiftly, he pulled you upwards and into a straight position. But when the man let go of you, testing your balance, he was quicker back than he probably believed. As soon as his hands left your waist, your easily swayed balance tried to chase after the human warmth. One second, two seconds of badly concealed fiddling on your feet, then you fell forward like a chopped tree.

 

Another curse, not understandable in your hazy mind, spilled from the mask. The ANBU caught your form right before you crashed into him, his gloved hands sliding automatically into your armpits to hold you up. “Again?” he growled. “You try to hurt yourself so badly?”

In the back of your mind you recognized his words as a lame joke. But the drunken you took everything very seriously and like that, you gasped out.

“Oh no! That would’ve been-!”

“Shsh. Silence. You’re disturbing the neighbors.” The ANBU raised his hand, index finger straightened and the rest of his fingers curled to a fist. Only the fingertip graced the white porcelain, the eternally grinning cat-maw shunned to silence.

Your heartbeat thundered through your body, the blood boiling from the alcohol and something else, something you couldn’t put your finger on it but you knew that feeling and you knew that ANBU too. The unnamed emotion let your cheeks flush brightly, your ears burn and your hands search for comfort. Search for comfort from the ANBU, no, the _man_ holding you. Slightly trembling, you reached up and ruffled through the brown hair.

“Ssssss-piky…” you mumbled and tugged full of drunken, false confidence at his hair, “It’s’-bits’-sssssssspider… Spiky hair, soft an’ _ooooooh_ so ssssspiky hair…”

_Kinoe. He could be… No. Kinoe is dead._

_What are you thinking, silly? Kinoe is right here._

If you had been sober, you would’ve never done what you did. Not in a hundred years. Usually your fears and memories kept you on edge but the alcohol lowered if not erased the walls around your heart and mind.

The ANBU still held you. Sluggishly, your hand fell out of the mop of brown hair, while the other tugged at the body armor of the male. “Pwease… Wanna cuddle…”

You had seen the elite shinobi in different states of danger and alarm. You had seen them withstanding pain and more body horror in a day than a civilian could bear to stand in a lifetime. All of them shared a common sign they all showed when put under enormous stress. They tensed up, from the toes to the tips of their ears.

 

Your ANBU went instantly rigid the second the last bits of your plead left your mouth. His muscles turned into granite, his arms into marble and his fingers into diamonds, digging sharply into your soft flesh.

He didn’t react at all, didn’t account your words nor looked at you. Instead, he seemed to stare right through you, not acknowledging your presence or even releasing you from his unskilled embrace.

You didn’t care. Grumbling lowly in your throat, you pressed forward, right through his iron defense. You tucked your head into the nape of his neck and nosed his covered adam’s apple, all the while you used the absence of his mind to flush your whole body to his.

It felt… good. Strangely nice, actually. A sigh bubbled in your lungs, full of satisfaction and relief you found someone who was staying with you. Someone you had liked dearly. Someone you missed throughout your entire childhood.

“Kinoe…”

Tiredly, you allowed your suddenly heavy eyes lids to fall shut and snuggled closer, inhaling the scent of wood, earth and weapon’s oil. The last thing you noticed were the arms carefully picking you up and that you lost the ground underneath your feet, then sleep claimed you with all its force.

You felt safe. You felt secure. Everything was good.

 

(…)

 

The door to your bedroom closed quietly. The weak snap of the lock thundered and rolled in your head around like an angry porcupine. Every roll, the damn asshole pierced your overly sensitive brain with it’s sharp needles, ripping and biting. With a groan, you tugged the thick blankets over your head, moaning again when a fresh wave of pain crushed into your head. Thick fur grew on your tongue and alone the feeling of bad breath made you grimace slightly.

Being hungover was the worst.

Being hungover without anyone to care for you was even worse than that.

A whiff of delicious savory breakfast reached your nose. Quickly, you shuffled deeper into the merciful darkness of the blankets, burying your nose in the thick fabric to stop the scent of perfectly cooked eggs, freshly made toast and incredibly thick and crispy bacon from confusing you further. There was no one else in the apartment. No one could have cooked that breakfast you imagined with your still hazy and alcohol-dazed mind.

The drinks must’ve messed with your head even stronger than you thought.

At least you thought so until the window in your living room opened and closed. You knew it was yours because the hinges needed a long overdue oiling. They screeched and howled like they were close to death, making you grind your teeth together as the pain in your brain sparked up once more.

There was no way you could dream that up, to the point of the really obnoxious high note the hinges hollered through the whole flat when the window was being closed completely. Painfully, crucially slow, an absolute killer for your hangover-ridden mind and body.

“Fucking wanker!” With a screech of your own, you shot upwards and stomped out of the bedroom, the naked feet slapping on the tiles and a pillow tugged over your ears to protect them from any more harm. “For god’s sake, fucking keep the window-!”

 

You had no idea at whom you were screaming like a banshee. When you entered the living room, hissing and spitting out and feeling like a corpse itself, you stopped dead in your tracks at the incredible sight which waited for you.

Food. Savory food. Waited right on the table where you used to sit with Kiyoshi. A big plate with lots of scrambled eggs, bulls-eye eggs and even properly boiled ones. Strips of bacon, juicy and crispy and definitely not burned like you would’ve done accidently. Toast, already prepared with a light sheen of butter, glistening in the faint sunlight filtering through the recently closed window. And the drinks. Your mouth fell open as you counted the cups on the table. _One, two, three. One, two, three. No, that’s too much._

But no, there were really three cups of different beverages right in front of you. Once water, a package of painkillers sitting innocently beside. Second, a glass of orange juice. And if you weren’t completely mistaken, someone took the burden of freshly squeezing some fruits to make that much juice. And third, a cup of coffee, just like you preferred the god-sent liquid.

Food, obviously freshly cooked for you. Painkillers for your monstrous headache, enough liquid to kickstart your motors and all of it prepared in silence to not disturb your sleep. Someone went to great lengths to do that.

But you had no idea who.

Well, to be honest, you had. The first person to creep into your mind was the ANBU. But his reasoning was completely left in the dark. What did he want to achieve with that? Maybe the food was poisoned because he was done with you and wanted to clean up behind himself? On tip toes you sneaked up on the table, like the plate, knife and fork would just wait for the right moment to jump right into your face. Nothing happened and like that, you sat down, your eyes raking over the meal, the plate and the drinks, suspicion and pleasant surprise rising into your throat with each and every swipe of your vision over the loud declaration of _care_ someone left here for you.

 

The ANBU left the food for you. Because there was simply no other explanation. And when you again let your eyes rake over the breakfast and finally found a small snippet of paper, crushed right underneath the orange juice, your suspicions were fulfilled.

Suddenly a stone of the size of a small pig settled down in your guts. What would be written there? A warning, a reminder, a sick, twisted poetry, bloody fingerprints as the only signature?

Trembling to the very core, you reached for the letter. Your fingers shook heavily as you raised the glass of orange juice, nearly spilling some of the precious liquid.

One look at the neatly written sentences and you sagged against the backrest of your chair.

 

_Excuse me for my rude interference yesterday evening. I only stopped by your apartment to see if you were okay and watched you nearly cracking your skull open. If that was your intention, I apologize yet again to stop you from doing so. But in case it wasn’t willingly and your morning will be unpleasant after the without a doubt huge amount of drinks you consumed, I took the liberty of preparing breakfast for you. I wasn’t sure which kind of eggs you liked, so I prepared all three and hope to meet your tastes._

_PS: My name is not Kinoe._

Normal words, a normal letter. A note, like the ANBU noticed your state and just wanted to do something for you, still in the mindset that he needed to somehow repay you for doing your job. Not a hidden assassination attempt, like you had feared.

“Thank the gods,” you mumbled and reached for the fork, “Would’ve been a shame to leave the food like that.”

A real shame. The eggs, prepared and arranged with obvious expertise on the plate, seemed to laugh and wink at you, tempting and making your mouth water. The scent of the toast, the butter still slightly melting on the surface, filled the air, all three beverages, from the water with the painkillers sitting beside the glass over the freshly squeezed orange juice to the hot and perfectly prepared coffee, were perfect to start the day after a massive night of drinking and fun.

Someone knew what he was doing.

The fork, loaded with scrambled eggs and a bite of bacon, stopped on the way from the plate to your mouth. So, did that mean the ANBU had to care occasionally for other ANBUs with alcohol-induced headaches and bad breath? Was he by now used to tug other people into bed when they passed out in his arms, because a lot of the silent, serious elite of the village liked to party too hard?

Involuntarily, your lips shrugged upwards at that silly imagination. Just a bunch of masked ANBU, dancing on the tables of an underground bar with empty bottles in their hands. An imagine to die for.

 

Hungover ANBU. No wonder they were always so grouchy. With a massive headache you would’ve also been ready to kill anybody who crossed you in the wrong way. Absent-mindedly your hands opened the package of painkillers and threw one pill into the water, where the pill disintegrated and sizzled quietly. All the while you wolfed down the first bites of the delicious feast, humming in badly concealed satisfaction at the wonderful taste. Kiyoshi was a cook and worked currently for the daimyo, what was basically the highest recognition a cook could receive, but damn! He could still learn something from the mysterious masked man. The scrambled eggs were just the right mixture of soft and slightly crispy, a hint of light cheese coating your tongue from time to time. The boiled eggs were perfect in its own right, the yellow gold in the middle still more liquid than solid as you cut one open. And when you combined the bulls-eye-eggs with the toast and dared to eat them, your eyes maybe or maybe not rolled a bit back into your skull. Perfectly seasoned, like the ANBU had read your mind and plucked all of your secret wishes for breakfast out of your head.

No wonder you finished your meal quicker than usual. Like a starving wolf you threw yourself on the plate, relishing in every bite and dowsing the lingering bitter taste of the painkillers off with orange juice and coffee, sip by sip. It was so normal and yet still a little masterpiece in its simplicity.

Only when the effect of the painkillers came to life, you had the actual brainpower to think clearly about last night. And while you sat at the table, sipping from time to time at your coffee and staring out of the window, the more horrendous memories came back to you, all of them painted by the happy nonchalance of a drunken mind. You paled with each one more, until you had to place the porcelain o the table. Your hands shook too much to hold any longer to the beverage, otherwise you would spill the rests of it.

_I got rescued by an ANBU. Last week, he saved my ass from a pair of robbers and now he saw me wasted as fuck, talked to me, bore my drunken attics, didn’t instantly kill me when I hugged him and also put me into bed, prepared a breakfast for me, some painkillers too and was nice enough to do it in total silence that I could sleep through my daze._

_He was in my flat. Watched over me. Stalked me. Used the tools in my kitchen. Wandered through my flat, was again in my bedroom, pulled off my shoes and socks and bedded me properly, all of that doing with his bloody hands, his dirtied, murdering hands._

_And he wrote an explanation and apology at once._

_Fuck._

Groaning under your breath, you covered your face with your hands. This wasn’t good. Not good at all. The ANBU kept being nice to you, out of his own, strange reasons you couldn’t easily decipher. If he was in some kind of illusive relationship with you, you would halfway understand his reasoning. But one of your colleagues had talked about such an incident, experienced it in all its heartless, twisted beauty, and what you experienced right now didn’t add up at all. Your ANBU kept his distance, he was obviously aware of your fear for him and made sure you were comfortable with his presence. Otherwise you wouldn’t understand the small snippets you had received during the last week, all of them stuffed underneath the small tin paperweight sitting on the outer windowsill of your bedroom window. All of them shared the same structure, like the elite shinobi unconsciously hold onto an inner protocol, even when he wasn’t working.

All of them started with a question about your day. Not one of the letters missed that little, almost innocent _How was your day?_ A simple question, something other people took for granted. You didn’t. You and Kiyoshi, you hadn’t talked in ages like this. About mundane things, about the day, about work, about the stuff your co-workers did. How could you? You were all day in the hospital, he was constantly working and training in his restaurant. The only thing you had for yourself was the morning and those were mostly filled with quick coffees and even quicker goodbyes.

Reading that small question on a slip of paper, written by someone you hadn’t even accounted as being able to show such a simple interest… Despite the fact that your fear urged you to burn those letters and report your stalker to the authorities, your heart grew warm at the little gesture of care.

 

Again, your eyes danced over the neat letters of the latest message. And this time, they stuck to the very last sentence. A fateful combination of words, knocking the air out of your lungs with the might of an animal summon.

_My name is not Kinoe._

“Great.” You threw the little snippet on your plate and stared at the paper, like the words would disappear magically if you would stare at them hard and long enough. “Fucking… _fucking_ great. Give him any more ammunition, will you?”

Helpful like always, your brain pulled the blurry memory out of the deepest depths of your mind, how you basically threw yourself at the ANBU, snuggled to him and didn’t care at all about the lethal prowess the man possessed, all the while whispering the name of your dead childhood friend like it was the one of a long-lost lover.

Of course, the ANBU had to say something about that. _Of course._

Groaning, you hid again your face behind your hands. Until you heard the soft knocking at your window. You shoot up from your chair, heart beating fast and your speed was rewarded. Just in time, you could see the afterimage of a grey and black shadow kneeling on the slim space of the outer windowsill, then the impression was gone. What was left was the new slip of paper, again secured by the paper weight.

Another letter.

Your heart continued to beat loudly in your chest as you creeped slowly up on the window. Every beat was like a crack of thunder, every pause like the silence before a hurricane. Your breath hitched in your throat as your trembling fingers nestled with the window lock, then the fresh air from outside greeted you. Consciously, you made the effort and breathed in. A nice whiff of late summer and early fall spread in your lungs. Soon the trees would shed their leaves fully in a shower of red, yellow, brown and green, coloring the grass in a canvas of change.

 

A good time for doing walks. Maybe you could do again one if you weren’t that busy with the hospital and not in the immediate attention of an overly attached, masked elite shinobi. One last look around and you picked the new letter up.

This time, the letters weren’t that neat and carefully written out. After all, you figured, the man had to use his thigh or the branch of a tree to write on. Not the best underground for incarnate handwriting.

 

_Do my doings trouble you that much?_

Quickly you read the short message again. And again, just the make sure. This letter said so many things with so little words. The ANBU was worried; worried he would trouble you with his doings. He asked for permission to continue or a genuine rejection to live with. He asked for something you couldn’t name while a dozen of possible names flashed through your mind, all of them too fast to catch onto them. The ninja tried to be considerate, took your feelings into account and even though all of his actions were driven with the desire to be a help, he also realized you weren’t exactly ecstatic about his doings. Therefore, the question.

What also meant…

The paper slip sank to the windowsill while your eyes hushed over the surroundings. There were a few trees covering your window, the leaves rustling in a weak breeze, a roof of the next house right beside you, a little bit greyed out by the many years of the sun shining on the surface, the different chimneys throwing shadows on the red tiles, creating wide shadows in which anyone could hide…

“Where are you?” you asked. Your voice carried easily through the air. “I-I know you’re still around.”

Only the slight ruffle of the leaves answered.

Once more, you let your vision dart around, looked from the chimneys and their shadows to the edges and curves of the roofs around your window, hoping and just as much fearing a motion, before you looked at the trees. There were three in total, all of them already starting to change their colors from the vibrant summer-green to a lively yellow and in some cases, there were already spots of the fiery fall-red you loved so much in the thick crowns.

“Just kn-know,” you stuttered and swallowed the instinctual fear down, “That… that your actions are… Are appreciated. They aren’t troubling me. Anymore. Not as much as before.” you added after a second of thinking.

The ANBU would know if you lied to him. Better be honest than too nice.

The words fell easier and easier from your lips, hastiness slowly changing into a calm submission to the situation. The fact that talking to the trees or cats lounging on the rooftops seemed easier than to directly face the ANBU was dancing in teasing little circles in the back of your mind. “I’m just… I know what people like you can possibly d-do to people like me, not… Not because you want to but because you’re just… driven by your battle instincts or the life which formed our shinobi into such great warriors. And I’ve seen my share of incidents going horribly wrong,” the scar at your neck tingled, like thousands of ants bit at the same time into the old tissue and out of instinct, you trailed the slightly rough hill with your index finger as you continued, “and I also… experienced one myself. It… it’s hard for me but… I _try_ at least.”

 

You didn’t specify what you tried to do nor what was especially hard in your current situation. The ANBU would understand if he was really invested into your person. Maybe he also understood only what you actually meant because the masked man also experienced a similar situation to yours once in his life.

A gloved hand reached out of the nearest tree. Only three meters parted you from the elite shinobi as you watched with baited breath how the hand moved, twisted, straightened a little bit…

Fascinated you watched how the fingers formed into a loose, open hand, the tips of said fingers facing the sun above. First, in your panicked mindset you believed the shinobi wanted to form a handsign, possibly collecting chakra for a more or less deadly attack.

 _Silly,_ you thought after a short moment of bottomless fear, _handsigns can’t be formed with only one hand._

One of your colleagues had told you that, in a hasty break and in between changing out of her bloodied surgery-clothes. And she was bound to know, after all her fiancé was a chunin and visited her regularly in the hospital. How the woman put up with the constant stress and worry was a mystery to you, though it wasn’t your problem to begin with. Like always, you had soaked the knowledge up and filed it in your brain under “Very important information which could save my life one day”.

Now, this little piece of information calmed you down while you watched with growing warmth in your heart how the hand moved sharply from one side to the other. The ANBU was just _waving_ at you. A single hand, rimmed by dying leaf’s, waving. A snort escaped you.

“You’re definitely something else.” you said to the tree, still a weak smile on your face.

Silence, stretched out and yet comfortable. But there was something in the air, so you waited and really, the hand appeared again out of the thick leaf’s, this time with a folded paper plane in his fingers. He took measure, flung the fragile construct into the air. The plane wobbled slightly and nearly fell into the void between your flat and the tree. With a more courageous motion than you had planned, you picked the plane out of the air.

 

If you weren’t totally mistaken, you heard a muffled gasp from the direction of the tree.

“I’m alright,” you leaned back into the security of your flat, your heart pounding loudly in your chest and the paper plane pressed to your heart, “I’m alright.”

The relieved sign which followed your words you couldn’t ignore. Strangely, you weren’t repelled by the worry the ANBU harbored apparently for you. No, it was heartwarming to know such a cold and emotionless man didn’t want you to hurt yourself. You nodded at the branch where you believed to spot the shadow of the ninja.

His warm chuckle at your gesture was highly potent balm for your strained nerves. The sound seemed to weave itself into the wind, the rustle of the leaf’s around it, entwine and become part of the nature. Relaxed, you leaned against the side of your window, unfolding the small messenger who fought so bravely for its destination.

 

_My senpai says that too. I have the feeling that he means it in a different way, though._

“Senpai, huh?”

On the branch, something moved. Something big and heavy. Before, you would’ve immediately closed the window, locked it and drawn the curtains closed, your heart beating wildly in your chest and waves of phantom pain oozing from the old wound at your neck into the rest of your body. Now, only your heartbeat picked up the pace, no other limb of yours moved or even tensed slightly.

Another paper plane was send your way, sailing on the next gentle breeze. This time, you didn’t have to lean out of the window. The small plane landed safely on the windowsill, stranded like a boat on a forgotten island. Eagerly, you unfolded the paper, not without safely securing the first message in one of the pockets of your pants.

 

_Yes. He’s someone who helped me to overcome some problems. I respect him a lot._

“Really?” Immediately sympathy flooded your mind. Sympathy for someone whose face you didn’t know, for someone who broke twice into your flat, for someone who apparently had no problem with spying on innocent people. “What problems?”

 

_Can’t say. Really secret shinobi business._

“Even more secret than the normal secret shinobi business?”

 

_Touché. But you aren’t talking about the problems of your patients either, right?_

You chuckled warmly. “Touché.”

The small pile of paper planes slowly started to crowd your windowsill. If not for your attempts of tugging them away, half of the partly silent, partly loudly carried out conversation would’ve been spread into all four directions.

_A shame. But… Yeah, why not?_

When that special thought crossed your mind, your heart paused, only to break into a sprint. Really? Only days ago, you would’ve fought that idea with everything you had and today you just considered it calmly like you wanted to invite an old friend into your home? Just like that?

_It’s not that easy. I changed, my views changed. At least when it comes to my special ANBU._

Your special ANBU. Yes, he obviously was different from the rest of the faceless killers your village recruited to protect their citizens. This man preserved some of the humanity the training killed usually deep within his soul and now, in your proximity or in the presence of his friends, this humanity broke free. There was still something elementary _right_ in the man. And even though you couldn’t trust his instincts to overtake him someday, you could trust the man behind those instincts.

Your hands trembled faintly as you collected all of the letters and folded them neatly, before placing them in the pockets of your pants. “If you want…” The air you breathed in went the wrong way. Painful coughs wrecked through your body and you tried to suppress them. The leaves of the tree rustled, like the ANBU moved into a better position. Just in case something might happen.

“Nothing, sorry,” you rasped when the cough subsided, “It’s just… I’m a danger for myself, didn’t you know?”

The atmosphere lightened, like the ANBU settled back into the fork of his branch, his mind eased and worry faded over your reassurance. You drew a shuddering breath in and pressed your eyes shut.

“W-would you… Would you like to come in? For… For a cup of water or tea or whatever you like? I-I mean, if-if you’re allowed to.”

 

You know your stutter undermined the original meaning of the invitation. Also, the insecurity radiating from you in little, uncertain waves or the overall tension which came back to life, rattling at your bones and tugging at your muscles, but you stood your ground against the resurfacing panic.

Your ANBU was different from the others. He wouldn’t try to hurt you. He cared, in his own, mysterious way.

“If you don’t want,” you continued and clawed into the edges of your shirt, your eyes fixated on your white fingers, “th-then that’s also alright. I wou-wouldn’t force you, couldn’t force you to be honest, you’re a ninja in the end and I’m just a weak civilian, nothing I would do could convince you to do something you didn’t want to do-!”

Crinkling of leaves and the smell of leather hit your nose like a brick wall. Shocked, you looked up. The cat-mask was directly in front of your face, the porcelain only inches apart from yours, the face cocked in honest interest.

A scream crawled upwards, from deep inside your core, but you swallowed every sound with a determined gulp. Instead of listening to your brain which screamed to run, to run and run and never coming back, you went impossibly stiff and still.

Your ANBU cocked his head sluggishly to the other side. Like that, he reminded you of an animal, testing the air and trying to find out if you were friendly or not. He kneeled in the opened window, his massive upper body blocking the sun out and the muscles in his arms and upper calves rippling as he held his balance.

Despite your fear, you couldn’t stop the small spark of longing build up inside your lower stomach. Quickly you forced your eyes to wander again into safer areas, namely the terrifying, motionless mask.

“I would love to,” the warm voice echoed in your soul and you had to take a few steps back, just to create some space between you and the man sitting on your windowsill, “If you want to have me.”

 

“Y-yeah, sure.” Your tongue stumbled over the simple acceptance, just like your feet stumbled over the carpet as you turned around. You only felt how your toes got caught in a stupid crease of the thick thing, how your balance got thrown over, how you tried to find your footing and terribly failed. Everything happened very slow, you saw the ground creeping closer at a snail’s place, but before you could even curse your clumsiness, a pair of strong arms steadied your fall.

_Again?_

Abruptly, the arms tugged you again into an upright position, right into a wide and sturdy chest. The ANBU didn’t seem to care much about the sudden invasion of his personal space, but you could feel how the blood rushed right into your cheeks. His chest was directly in front of your eyes. A really wide and well-trained chest, not really hidden by the ANBU chest plate or the form-fitting leather. The thin spandex-fabric made it only clearer how muscular and fit the man was, his musky and slightly spicy scent tingled in your nose, his body warmth almost scorched you while you were flushed to him…

The brunet cocked his head and when he spoke, the worry blended easily into the words. “Everything alright?” he asked. “You don’t look too good.”

“I-I’m fine.” Your knees were weak as you loosened the dangerous embrace. Dangerous in more way than one. “What would you like to drink, ANBU-san? Tea, coffee, water maybe?”

His voice rumbled in your behind while you scrambled through your kitchen, rummaging through the different cupboards and mugs, the porcelain clinking together and the metal of the spoons creating a little background noise you needed to concentrate.

“Tea is fine. And you can call me Tenzo.”

By now, you knew how real names were handled by the black corps. So, to turn around and muster the man with suspicion rising in your guts was only natural. “Is Tenzo your real name? Or just another…?”

“Call me Tenzo.” he repeated and when he sat down in one of the armchairs in the middle of the living room, you noticed how exhausted he seemed to be. His shoulders, which were only moments ago the epitome of security and steadiness, were slumped down. His strong posture, destroyed by slouching and melting in to the cushions. The calmness you admired and secretly liked, washed away by the negative feelings you awoke. Then he tilted his head, the cat mask smiling in the sunlight and the impressions were gone, just as fast as they had come over you. “For the time being.” Tenzo added.

“Okay.” You smiled at your ANBU, all the while flipping the water cooker on. “What kind of tea would you like, Tenzo?”

Maybe on another day. For now, you wanted to see if you could survive being in a room together with a trained killer for longer than fifteen minutes without being killed or the other party inhibited by lethal wounds or diseases.

To your own surprise, you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only proofread by me, so be in for some horrible, terrible grammar and connotation mistakes. Sorry for that.


	4. Building

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the time, you grow more and more accustomed to the presence of your very own ANBU. But only after a mission and a meeting late in the night, you realize that not only your fear is gone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3 it's going down people, it's going down.
> 
> my tumblr for people who want to see more of my writing or want to be up-to-date how some of my longer fics are doing: historicfailure

_ For the whole duration of the summer, you would run out into the forest in the very split second your chores were done, your small feet thumping on the moss and earth and breath rushing in and out of your lungs. Your father didn’t think too much about it, he was even ecstatic you showed that much interest into the nature and his workplace. Your mother though would sometimes look at you with a knowing glint in her eyes, shaking her head afterwards and ruffling through your hair with the words: “Watch out for yourself, will you?” _

_ You had the distinct feeling she didn’t mean your physical health whenever you would answer that you were very careful while you played in the forest. _

_ Kinoe waited always on your clearing, his and yours, sitting on the wide branch of a tree and his legs dangling slightly in the wind. Sometimes you would play tag and you resigned every time to the fate of losing horribly against the boy. More often than not, he taught you how to skip some stones over the river and with every lesson, your stones would gain more skips over the water. When you reached for the very first time the other side of the riverbed, you threw your arms into the air and screamed your victory out loud. Behind you, the birds flew up, startled by the sudden screech of joy. _

_ Kinoe laughed alongside your silly, little dance and when you crushed him in a tight hug, the boy hugged you back, his warm chuckle brushing against your ear. A strange feeling spread in your stomach, kind of like you were hungry but with a lot more tingles mixed into the empty, hollow gnawing. Quickly and without showing how big your confusion was, you loosened the embrace and told Kinoe you wanted to skip more stones. _

_ Only later you would realize that that occurrence was the first time you actively realized you had more than friendly feelings for your childhood friend. As a child of eight years, that was the also first time you encountered such a strange attraction, and therefore, you had no idea what you were feeling. The only thing you really knew, was that you wanted to spend even more time with Kinoe, the boy with the deep, black eyes, the friendly smile and the warm, calm presence around him. _

_ He was your best friend and you hoped he also saw you that way. _

_ One fateful day, you two just laid down after a round of hide and seek (you lost terribly against Kinoe and you had known beforehand, what didn’t keep you from trying though) and enjoyed the sun sending her warm rays down on the clearing. Like always, the grass tickled at your bare feet and your toes curled in total satisfaction at the calm atmosphere. It was like only you and Kinoe existed and like your secret meeting spot was the only real place in the world. _

_ His silent voice trailed over. “(Y/N)?” _

_ You hummed nonchalantly, the eyes closed and head cocked into his direction. _

_ “Can I show you something?” _

_ “Sure!” _

_ Kinoe shuffled beside you. His elbow stroked softly against your upper arm as he sat up and you tried to hide the fact that your cheeks suddenly felt very warm and your stomach was filled with thousands of butterflies. When you opened your eyes, you were blinded temporarily by the bright sun. Only Kinoe’s silhouette was visible against the light, hovering above your sitting figure. _

_ Only when you blinked a few times, you could see his face. His forehead was laid in wrinkles and his eyebrows were drawn together, all the while his usual calmness and peace had vanished. His small fists were trembling by his flanks, a motion you had never seen on him. _

_ With wide eyes you stared up to Kinoe. What was wrong? “Kinoe?” _

_ A lopsided grin tugged at his mouth. But it was a pitiful one and didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t worry, okay? It’s just…” He shook his head. “Don’t be scared of me. Can you promise that? Please?” _

_ The unsettling feeling of something  _ big _ approaching froze your tongue. You were only able to nod sharply, what caused Kinoe to smile the smallest of possible smiles. _

_ “Alright,” he breathed, “Alright, alright, alright…” _

_ To your surprise, Kinoe folded his hands. His small yet slender fingers entangled, palms pressing together, thumbs crossing each other. He drew a loud, shuddering breath in, then his hands loosened, entangled again, in a different position this time. His index and middle finger straightened and thumbs uncrossed. Full of fascinated wonder, you watched and the suspicion you had for the longest time now was confirmed with every careful seal the boy formed. Sometime along the way, Kinoe learned under the tutelage of a ninja, learned how to form chakra and learned how to fight and protect Konoha, your home. He was one of the few which were able to control their energies. _

_ If that was even possible, your admiration for him grew even further. He never said anything, never spoke about his skills. Only the natural grace and swiftness of his movements had betrayed Kinoe from time to time, whenever he was sloppy enough to let them show in a wild game or a chase through the forest. _

_ Kinoe was a shinobi. _

_ He couldn’t see the grin spreading on your face or the fidgeting on your spot from all the excitement running through you. A shinobi, your best friend was someone able to perform the craziest tricks! A goddamn shinobi! _

_ Meanwhile, Kinoe finished the set of seals. One last time, his fingers met, the palms flatly pressed together in front of his chest. Only now he opened his eyes, a strange fire burning inside the bottomless black. _

_ “Wood Release: Four-Pillar House-Technique!” _

_ The earth rumbled beneath you. With a squeal you jumped to your feet, stumbling around and trying desperately to not crash into the boy who seemed to be unfazed by the sudden earthquake. The shaking stopped, only to center around the area behind him. You could feel the vibrations still, your naked feet curling into the dirt and grass. _

_ Something…  _ Something grew _. With unfathomable speed you watched how wood dug themselves out of the earth, forming and bending, twisting and creaking, winding around each other to form a massive cube with strangely familiar squares in the walls, a roof, some decorations in the walls… _

_ A house. Kinoe could grow a house only with his sheer will and chakra. _

_ “Woah!” _

_ As soon as the rumbling stopped, you straightened, your eyes fixated on the small hut in the middle of your clearing. Kinoe stood right in front of it, his skin tone a little bit paler than before and hands shaking when he loosened the tight grip around his own fingers. _

_ First, you pointed at him, then at the house, then back at him. “You… you really can do that?” _

_ He nodded shyly but you were too busy to acknowledge his bashful behavior. “That is so awesome! You can grow trees on your free will, yeah? That is so cool! And they form according to your wishes or not?” _

_ “Y-yes…?” _

_ “I swear,” you giggled at his shocked expression, “I could never be scared of you because of that! You are a ninja! You’re so awesome! Say, can you really walk straight up a tree without using your hands?” _

_ Kinoe blinked. One time, two times. Then, like the sun dawning on the horizon, a real smile spread on his face, crinkling his eyes and giving you the same warm, tingly sensation, you felt whenever he touched your hands accidently. _

_ “Yes. It’s pretty easy, to be honest.” he said. _

_ Your eyes grew as wide as saucers. “Easy?” you screeched and flailed your arms around, “Easy, you say?” _

_ Kinoe chuckled and formed another seal. “Yeah. Just as simple as that.” _

_ This time, the earth wasn’t shaking when he muttered the words for his jutsu under his breath. Just as excited as before you watched how a small pile of earth crumbled in front of his feet, breaking out like a tiny volcano and revealing a small flower. The flower kept growing as the petals opened in the sunlight, the beautiful, bright red sparkling slightly. You had no idea what a flower it was but you clapped your hands when the growing motion stopped, laughing and cheering for your friend. _

_ “Do you even realize what you can do?” you asked and jumped up and down. “You can create life like it’s nothing! I really admire you for that, Kinoe! I wished I could do that!” _

_ “Really?” The brunet boy scratched awkwardly the back of his neck. “It’s… It’s really nothing special.” Before you could praise him further, the boy bent over and gently removed the strange flower from the earth. A blush flashed over his face as he offered the plant to you, while his eyes didn’t dare to meet yours. “H-here. F-for y-y-you.” _

_ Oh. Oooooh. You looked at the flower, looked back at Kinoe’s face, who blushed even further when he noticed your motionless stare. “A-a-as a than-thank you,” he mumbled, his hand with the flower shaking, “for no-not being sca-scared of me.” _

_ It was more than that. You knew, from the telltale tremble of his other limbs to the red tips of his ears which peeked out from underneath his haori. This was not an ordinary present because he was thankful. The tingly sensation in your deepest guts intensified, bloomed into something more and more meaningful. _

_ Your chubby fingers slid over his as you reached over to gently take the flower from Kinoe. “Thank you,” you said and smiled widely at him, “for showing me what you can do.” _

_ His blush matched yours as you smelled at the flower, the strange scent messing with your head and tinting the world into a brighter light. _

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For the next days after the strange tea you had with your ANBU, life seemed a little bit easier and foremost, less scary than before. The tension of the uncertainty and the not knowing what was going on was gone, instead it made place for quiet acceptance of the situation.

Your fear of ninjas and ANBU’s in general wasn’t cured. Far from that, actually. In the hospital you still felt the need to flee from the presence of the puppet-like shadow warriors with their white masks and their painted smiles. You still felt the need to hide from them, no matter how useless your pitiful attempts to crawl into the shadows would be, to hide from the deep stares and the measuring of your abilities.

But when you entered your home and saw a new note sitting at your windowsill, weighed down by the now heavily used paperweight, a smile would flash over your face. When you noticed someone took the opportunity of your absence to sneakily clean all the windows because you mentioned it sometime, you would laugh and prepare a coffee for the invisible visitor. And when you saw how the shinobi sat in the branches of a nearby tree, sipping at the coffee and waving weakly when he noticed that you noticed him, you would wave back, your heart pounding loudly in your chest and throat too tight to say anything.

It was a beginning.

You still weren’t truly comfortable with the masked man - _ Tenzo- _ just breaking into your apartment and cleaning your living room. Or him obviously staying for hours outside, no matter if the sun, storm or rain made his stay a miserable one, watching for a sign for him to be allowed to enter. Sometimes, his shadowed eyes were too much and you would close the curtains, tears in your own eyes and trying not to sob loudly into the eerie silence. Sometimes, you had nightmares of the same cat-mask hovering above you, a kunai holding to your throat and the freshly carved wound at your neck pulsated to the beat of your heart.

But then came a short message which changed your perspective.

_ I will be gone for a while. _

You stopped in your movements, already turning around to hide the slight shaking of your fingers as you unfolded the message. Hastily, you read again over the neat words, once, twice to make sure.

Then you looked at his usual tree and saw that the usual branch hung the tiniest bit lower than usual. Meant, without someone sitting on it.

“What do you mean,” you waved the slip of paper at the tree, “You’ll be gone for a while?”

In your confusion, you even forgot to lower your voice like you would usually do. Clear and unhindered, your question flew towards the man, over the small distance parting your home from his temporary sleeping place.

His gloved hand sneaked out of the leaves, pointed first into his direction, then at your window. You were quick to understand and stepped aside, leaving the window panel open and the curtains untouched.

Only seconds later, the ANBU stood right in front of you. Just as silent as always, no sound betraying his presence, not even a slight groan of leather of his uniform. Only his weak scent floated through the air as you stepped around him to close the curtains, hiding your visit from the rest of the world.

“And?” you asked after the darkness reigned in the living room. “Where are you going?”

“Classified information.” Tenzo said.

“For how long will you be gone?”

“Classified information.”

“Are you going alone or with a team?”

“Classified-!”

Frustrated, you sighed out. “Yeah, I get it,” you interrupted, “Classified information.”

The ANBU turned his head towards you, the cat mask blinking as a single ray of sunlight peeking out between the curtains hit the white mask. “I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be away for a little bit.” he said.

“How considerate of you.”

“Why does it sound like you don’t mean it?”

“Because I  _ don’t _ , silly.”

As soon as the teasing name left your mouth, you realized your mistake. Never tease an ANBU, never be too relaxed around one, don’t, under all circumstances,  _ don’t call them names _ . They are no pets or friends, they are foremost patients.

You just… grew too familiar with his presence to realize… What teasing him actually meant. What teasing a living and breathing tool in the hands of your village meant.

Out of a long-trained instinct, you closed your eyes and resigned yourself to a quick death. Your neck was exposed, it would be pretty easy to just shove a kunai through your carotid artery to end your life quickly and without a fuzz. Just a little snap of his wrist, just a small nick and you would fall to his feet, gasping and trying to catch a breath which wouldn’t help against the blood flooding out of your body.

You waited for the inevitable pain. For the short pressure, for the flash of a knife, for the even deeper darkness clouding your vision. But nothing came.

Instead you heard a small snort, laced with amusement and also something else you couldn’t pinpoint. Though it was certainly not bloodlust or ridiculed pride.

“No one called me “silly” in a long time,” he  _ -Tenzo-  _ chuckled, “But I guess I deserved that one.”

_ He… He doesn’t mind? _

“You think so?”

He shrugged, still the aura of amusement radiating from him. “I asked a dumb question, didn’t I? But I spend my time with a lot of people who are serious beyond acceptable levels. Therefore, I needed a second to realize what just happened.”

“You don’t mind teasing?”

“Not when I deserve it.”

“And you think you deserved it?”

He shrugged again and the tanto on his back glistened shortly. For the first time, you didn’t mind the reminder of how deadly the person in your flat potentially was. For once, you ignored the flutter of panic swaying your heart and kept your eyes trained on Tenzo, who reacted so differently than you had anticipated.

Relaxed to the very core, the uniformed shinobi stood in the middle of your living room, the hands crossed over his chest and shaking his head while still little snorts and chuckles fell from his covered mouth. So unlike everything you expected, everything you feared and believed.

“I guess,” Tenzo finally said, “I guess I deserved it. Even though I would’ve liked to see a little bit more…” He stopped suddenly.

“See what?” you asked.

The man untangled his arms and raised them. “Oh, nothing important. Doesn’t matter, really. I just wanted to say goodbye before I leave.”

It wasn’t too hard to find out that Tenzo hid something from you. Every dunce would’ve noticed. But why did he hide whatever he hid? Was he concerned you would be repelled by whatever secret he harbored? Scared out of your mind or possibly disgusted? Or was there an entirely different reason, one you couldn’t comprehend with your simple, civilian mind?

You still pondered over Tenzo’s mysterious words when the man jumped again on the windowsill, his hands on the edges of the window panel and silent like the shadows around him.

Quickly, you shook your head. “ANBU… I mean, Tenzo-san?”

He paused, one hand raised to brush the curtains aside, the other balancing his body out on the small parchment.

Your tongue was dry as you forced it into submission, struggling with the words you wanted to say and the ones you left unspoken. “Be careful out there.”

_ Come back. I don’t know why, but please come back unharmed. Or come back alive, but with minor injuries. Just… come back. _

The ANBU… Your ANBU… Tenzo gave you a long look. His invisible eyes drew slightly burning paths over your body, starting from your naked feet over your clothed legs, up to your covered stomach and chest, only to land on your face. He intently studied your features and you had the distant feeling he saw something shining through your insecurity and uncertainty.

At least, his soft voice indicated that as he answered. “I will.”

One moment, Tenzo was there, a dark silhouette against the blinding fall sun. The next, he was gone and only the cold breeze entering your flat through the open window reminded you of his earlier presence. That and the unmistakable scent of weapon’s oil and fresh leaves, even though all of them were slowly dying and falling from their trees to the ground.

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Only a few days after the awkward goodbye, you woke up in the middle of the night as a mighty, cold shiver ran down your spine like liquid ice itself.

_ Someone tried to sneak inside your apartment. _

Immediately, the natural tiredness flew away. As silent as your uncoordinated limbs allowed, you climbed out of your bed. All of your senses were strained to the max as you creeped over to the door, your naked feet thankfully not making a single sound on the thin carpet covering the wooden floor. Living for seven years in one place had its perks. You knew how far you could open the bedroom door without making the hinges squeak and alert the intruder.

Unfortunately, your attempts of surprising the one who broke into your flat was a useless attempt to begin with.

Your breathing ragged out of your lungs as you tip-toed further through your living room. Slowly, very slowly, you set one foot before the other, avoiding the especially squeaky spot right behind the couch and trying to remember where the hell you left the newly bought pepper spray. On the small table in the entrance area maybe? No, you were pretty sure you put it away. Far, far away, to be exact. A cabinet, maybe? No, too impractical.

Before you could reach any kind of solution for your dilemma, a low voice breathed through the living room, making you freeze up and then exhale loudly.

“Don’t panic, (Y/N).”

“Goddamn fucking bullshit!” Your heart nearly leaped out of your chest at the sudden voice erupting in your back. Automatically, you tried to turn around and fight whoever stood there, even though your mind already recognized the warm, low voice. Your wrists were caught before you could even fully raise them and your eyes met the bottomless slits of the white porcelain-mask before you had the chance to scream again.

“I said,” Tenzo mused and loosened his grip after a few seconds, “don’t panic.”

You rubbed shortly over the not even slightly bruised skin of your wrists. “If someone is standing in the darkness and tells you out of the blue not to panic, wouldn’t you instantly lash out and try to fight the intruder?”

At your hostile tone, the ANBU chuckled warmly. “Touché yet again (Y/N). Truly a touché.”

“Fuck your touché,” you grumbled, “and fuck your sneakiness.”

“Did I come at an unpleasant time?”

“Of course!” You pointed at the moon standing high on the sky. “It is only shortly after midnight! I was  _ asleep! _ I have an early shift tomorrow, more like  _ today _ !”

Tenzo fell silent. The pause gave you a little bit of time to calm yourself, to realize it wasn’t his fault, at least not completely. In the moonlight, the ANBU had an airy presence, like one of the fairies your mother told so many stories about. And just like the fairies, ANBU tended to forget the common sense or at least the normal nighttime of a civilian.

Tiredly, you rubbed over your face. “Alright, sorry for that. I just didn’t… I didn’t expect you to come back that quickly.”

“Me neither.”

His voice… seemed tired too? It was so hard to tell, with the mask and the hoarse whisper. This time, you tried to look closer at him than you ever did, hidden away by the shadows of the night. Tenzo seemed… tense. His shoulders were slightly drawn up, the muscles in his arms straining underneath the skin and the mask could hide a lot but not the perfectly balanced-out position for a flight of the man. Both of his feet planted on the ground, one shoulder the tiniest bit turned to the window in his back, the nervous curling of his toes in the open sandals.

Before you knew it, you stepped closer to the man and reached out, ready to stroke softly through his hair like you would do for Kiyoshi whenever he was exhausted after a long day at the restaurant. Only when you nearly had touched the obscuring mask, you paused, realization dawning upon you. You were  _ so _ close to caress Tenzo in a rather intimate way. Would he even accept such an innocent touch or would he flinch away, scared by the strangeness?

To your surprise, the ANBU allowed it. Just a tiny lowering of his chin, almost unnoticeable in the weak light of the street lamps and the moon, but you saw it and as an answer, your heart pounded even louder than before. Your fingertips graced the edges of his porcelain mask and for a split second, the urge to rip down his mask was almighty. But you forced that stupid urge into submission, tied it up and stuffed a gag into its mouth.

On a subconscious level, you understood. You understood that this stolen moment in the darkness was special. You couldn’t really see the ANBU, he wouldn’t make you stop. Out of an unknown reason, the man trusted you with his identity, didn’t move a muscle to not scare you away from the willingly given ministration to calm him down.

The “why” never came to your mind. You could only watch helplessly how your fingers wandered further upwards, sliding right into the brown strands which had, under the silvery moonlight, a distinct shimmer. Like the bark of a silverleaf poplar, brown and silver and mixing together in a fascinating swirl of dark colors, one you already loved as a child.

They were surprisingly soft. No blood stuck to the short tresses like you had expected, no dirt and no mud. Only a leaf was combed out by your persistent tugging, while the ANBU stood perfectly still, frozen up and knowing you would immediately retreat if he moved. Stiff and still, the perfect soldier. You didn’t want to see the soldier, didn’t want the soldier in your flat. You wanted the person behind that icy demeanor, the one who broke into your flat because he saw you almost ridiculing yourself in a drunken phase.

“Relax,” you murmured, “Relax, Tenzo. You’re in Konoha again.”

The muscles in his shoulders started to tremble faintly. Though the shinobi didn’t do as he was told.

Another step closer, more into his reach and your fingers started to gently massage his scalp, stroking through the strands and scratching over the skin.

“Relax,” you insisted and tried to maintain the voice of a professional nurse, calm and collected, “You’re safe. You’re safe here. I’m not going to hurt you, no one is.” Another step and you could feel the heat of his body crash into your front. You tried to ignore the plummeting feeling deep down in your guts, the falling and floating and spiraling of  _ something _ . Instead you tried to concentrate at the task at hand, to allow Tenzo to feel at ease. “Tenzo. Let go. Let go of whatever you think of.”

A quiet breath puffed out from underneath the white mask. Tenzo allowed his head to tip backwards, face turning up to the ceiling, while you stepped even closer and raised your arms along his motion, always trying to massage more of the now visible uneasiness and stress out of his body. “Let go,” you repeated, “And relax. Everything is calm, everything is safe here.”

His shoulders trembled for the last time, then the overstrained muscles slacked and went still.

The next thing you noticed was the heavy weight of a man leaning against you. All muscle and uniform and equipment, you could feel the grips and sharp points of kunai and shuriken peek through the thin fabric of your sleeping shorts against your thigh. Every bulk of every well-trained muscle, pressing through the shockingly thin layers of itchy fabric and scruff leather to your chest and the warmth of a real human seeping into your own body.

You should be scared. You should feel like the world was crumbling and falling down, the natural order disrupted and overthrown. Instead of pushing Tenzo off, you continued to speak soft, meaningless phrases into his chest, while the man sighed into your ear and leaned more and more against your smaller frame.

You were distantly aware that this was… Highly inappropriate. Too much. Not friendly at all.  _ Too much _ . But you couldn’t ignore the pained soul of a patient, couldn’t ignore the screams for help of a silent man, couldn’t ignore the tug at your heartstrings when Tenzo stood like this before you. A little bit broken, a little bit hastily glued together, barely hanging by a thread. Instead of being scared and shying away, you pushed forward, with gritted teeth and a quickly accelerating pulse.

Tenzo was your ANBU, not one of the puppets in the hospital. He wouldn’t hurt you. Never.

_ Not like Kinoe. _

A whisper ghosted over your shoulder, free from the confines of your shirt. Shudders wandered over your spine at the sensual caress, meant to get a point across instead of making you wish for another reason than this.

No, it shouldn’t feel this way.

“Can I stay?” he asked weakly. Tenzo’s arms hung lifeless by his sides, like he didn’t dare to touch you in any way. Maybe he thought you would be scared at a sudden contact, at any other contact you didn’t initiate. “Please, can I stay? Only… Only for the night. Tonight.”

A plea for help. And your sympathy for the man only grew. Blossomed, unnamed and unwanted, nevertheless still beautiful. It wasn’t only sympathy, it wasn’t only the mislead connection of a nurse to a patient. It was  _ more _ , something you couldn’t name or didn’t dare to name,  _ something  _ bigger than-!

“Sure,” you choked.

Instantly, Tenzo almost sacked against you. “Good,” he mumbled while you groaned in shock at the tree of a man leaning all of his weight on a smaller person than him, “’cause I wasn’t too sure if I would make it back to the barracks.”

For someone who acted through a big portion of his life like an ethereal ghost, the male was surprisingly heavy. Grunting wordlessly, you managed to partly shove, partly carry him to your couch. With a last huff, you dropped him unceremoniously into the cushions. Tenzo dropped into the cushions, the weapons in his pouch rattling weakly at the movement.

“What,” you breathed, your arms crossing over your chest, “What in the heavens have you done?”

The ANBU mumbled something incoherent into the couch, face buried in the pillows you bought against Kiyoshi’s will.

“Tenzo? Don’t you dare to fall asleep on me!”

Your eyes grew accustomed to the darkness by now, like that, it was easy to pick out the moment when the male turned the tiniest bit and freed his masked face from the unwilling gag of the couch. “Used… to much chakra.”

_ Reckless, stupid ANBU. _

A smile flashed over your face, only to die to the mask of a professional nurse. “And you didn’t go to the hospital?” In the same second the words left your lips, you shook your head at your own question. Chakra-depletion was too common in the reigns of the elite. For the hospital, it was like the flu for civilians. No doctor would really bother treating an ANBU with several chakra-depletion, except in combination with a life-threatening wound. It needed rest and time, and difficult cases only screamed for meditation and chakra-building medicine, which was available in special shops for shinobi, just as well as a supplementary medicine in the headquarters of the black corps. Tenzo was on his own, like every other shinobi who crossed his boundaries.

The male chuckled breathily. “It’s only chakra-depletion. I’ve dealt with that before.”

“Still.” You were already on the way to your kitchen, trying to avoid bumping into the table or chairs on the way. “I have some energizing tea which could help. Lots of sugar is also a great restoration method to help building your chakra reserves up again. Otherwise, you need to rest and sleep.”

Tenzo only hummed.

Making the tea was surprisingly no problem, even in the darkness. The light of the full moon was enough after you fully opened the window to the kitchen, allowing the crisp night air to circulate. Fresh air wasn’t necessary to help Tenzo directly, but it helped to induce a good night’s sleep, what would give him a better rest and restoration. When the kettle was filled and the stove started to heat up, you walked back to your patient, who hadn’t moved at all during your preparations, No, the cat mask still grinned at you with her infinite glee at your confusing feelings for the man behind said mask.

“I will get you a blanket and some pillows,” you said, paused and thought you saw him nod, “and if you want, I can help you get out of some of your clothes.”

“’S not necessary.” Tenzo started but you cut him off.

“Not your mask, silly. I was thinking about the weapon pouch, your forearm guards and your sandals. Everything else,” you gestured vaguely over his form, stretched out on your soft couch, “can stay exactly where it is.”

You couldn’t see it but you swore his eyes wandered up and down your form, trying to find out if you were trying to fool him or were earnest. If now a test or not, you raised your eyebrows, trying to look like your heart didn’t try to escape out of your throat and flutter out of the window. “And?” you asked finally after a few minutes of stale silence. “Can I remove them?”

Tenzo huffed. It would’ve been something to laugh at if you weren’t so serious right now. “Fine,” he grumped and buried his masked face again in the hard pillows, “and I think the water for the tea is finished.”

Indeed. Only split seconds after the words left his mouth, the high whistle of the kettle called you back into the kitchen to prepare the energizing tea. Ginger and lemon, with a hint of mint in your cup and lots of sugar in his. Quickly, you also placed some store-bought cookies on a small plate and shuffled them awkwardly on your lower arm before taking both cups into your hands and balancing them back to the couch, where you could see the faint, shadowy curve of a thick shoulder.

The porcelain clinked weakly as you placed it on the coffee table. “Here. I hope you like three spoons of sugar in your tea.”

“Usually I prefer a hint of milk and only one spoon.”

“I can get you some milk, if you want?”

“That would be much appreciated.” Tenzo grunted as he tried to prop himself up, his bones cracking like they belonged to an old man. You took a moment to settle your own cup of tea back to the table and placed the plate with cookies right beside the mug. Quickly, you went back to your fridge and grabbed the whole bottle of milk. As you turned around, you watched how Tenzo just dropped the mask back into position, the weak grinding of teeth thundering through the silence of your flat.

“Are they good?” you asked. “I bought this brand for the first time.”

Tenzo took the time to properly swallow his cookie before answering, his voice hoarse and deep enough to send shivers of an entirely different kind than before down your spine. “They will serve their purpose.”

“That’s just a polite way of saying they’re shit.”

“Well…” The ANBU sighed and reached with shaking hands out to his tea. “I have no good answer for this.”

Shaking your head, you added a tiny bit of milk to the energizing beverage, before pushing the cup a bit more into his reach. “Sometimes even a shinobi should speak his mind.”

“If I would do that, I wouldn’t hear the end of it.”

“Of whom?”

“My senpai.”

“Right.” Softly, you chuckled as you remembered the many, but vague descriptions of that ominous senpai, who had seemed to taunt Tenzo on a daily base in a good-natured style . “We don’t want to give him another reason to make you read his smutty books out loud in front of your squad.”

Tenzo sputtered. “That was one time! Only once!”

“Your mistake of telling me.” Even through the darkness, you could swear you could see the bright blush creeping to the uncovered ears of the merciless killer and ruthless spy. That some badly written penny-dreadful made him that uncomfortable was an information you stored safely away only to get it out to enjoy Tenzo’s ashamed babbling. Secretly, you thanked the mysterious enigma who was responsible for the brunet’s daily suffering to create such memorable content. Even though he wasn’t apparently in the elite forces anymore, at least Tenzo made some remarks that indicated that but the “senpai” loved to go on the nerves of his former subordinates too much to suddenly stop his teasing just because he didn’t see them daily anymore.

“Drink your tea,” you interjected when Tenzo tried defend his slightly damaged pride more, “and eat my shitty cookies. When you’re finished, I’m helping you with discarding your gloves, forearm protectors, sandals and weapon-pouch. Do your fingers tingle, are they numb or anything like that?”

“A little bit weak.” The man flexed his hand in front of his face, groaning as he tightened the fingers to a fist. “They are also a little bit stiff.”

“How long do you usually hold your seals?”

“Actually, not that long. This time though I had to keep a prisoner under control,” he answered and continued to flex his right hand, while the other still shuddered and kept a tight grip around the mug.

Curiosity killed the cat, you knew that. Still, the thought of your ANBU - _ Tenzo- _ manhandling a prisoner around with an unknown jutsu and those strong and muscled arms-!

With an embarrassed cough, you gulped a far too hot sip of your own beverage down. Even the burn at the ceiling of your mouth and the back of your throat was better than imagining how the man looked without his shirt and the ever so thin armor on. Not that there was much left for the imagination, with the skin-tight black spandex covering what the chest plate didn’t. And the spandex did its job very poorly.

The next minutes were spent in silence. Only the occasional slurp of the ANBU and his blurry motions as he drank his tea with enough speed to hide his features from you disturbed the nighttime.

If there was only one spot on the fabric of your couch, you would personally make sure Tenzo cleaned the mess up.

_ Since when are you down to force an elite ninja to clean for you? _

_ Since when you’re so brave? _

_ Only in the security of my own thoughts. Don’t get it twisted. _

“Eat at least one more cookie,” you said when you were sure Tenzo emptied his cup halfway. A sarcastic smile fell over your face. “Even when they’re bad. The sugar will help, I promise.”

“I didn’t know that, actually.” He reached out and his gloved fingers ruffled shortly through the pile, until he found the smallest one out of all the treats. “Mostly I help myself to some soldier pills and sleep.”

You scowled at Tenzo’s self-treatment. “Soldier pills are for battle, not for resting and restoration. Let me guess, you feel heavy and somehow full the morning after?”

His ashamed nod was everything of an answer you needed. “ANBU’s,” you growled and settled the cup loudly on the coffee table, “not able to think beyond the length of their little knives and swords. Soldier pills are configured for active battle situations of life and death, not for something as simple as chakra depletion. It’s like you want to treat a blocked nose with a vacuum cleaner!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,  _ oh _ . Now eat your cookie.”

At least he had the decency to immediately start devouring the sugary treat, not complaining once about their truly dry and still somehow grimy taste. Inwardly, you also grimaced around a testing bite and stuffed your face quickly before the baked good could touch your tongue. For the untempt time, you swore to yourself to bake some on your own, now that Kiyoshi wasn’t here to satisfy your little midnight-snack tours through your shared flat. Because these cookies just wouldn’t cut it.

Lost in your thoughts, you didn’t notice how the ANBU finished his tea and cookie. Only when Tenzo coughed weakly into the silence, the arms neatly folded in front of his wide chest and the cup on the table in front of him, you flinched out of your not entirely decent thoughts and imaginations.

“I’m ready,” he said and gestured to his sandals.

You could only stare full of surprised numbness at him. “Hm?”

“You said you would help me getting out of my…” Tenzo’s voice trailed off as he again gestured to his sandals. “And some other things.”

“Ah. Yes. Sorry, I guess the late hour slowly gets to me.” Was that really the best idea? You berated yourself while slowly standing up and buying time with an exaggerated moan and some stretching. Was it really the best and simplest choice out of a myriad of possibilities? You could leave Tenzo there, leave him alone. You could jokingly tell him that he was a grown-up man and do it himself. You could tell him “no”, straight and simple and you were pretty sure, the brunet would accept it with an understanding nod.

Touching him, getting close to the assassin draped over your couch… Wasn’t the smartest decision. Not because you were overly scared of him, no. The fear diminished over the last weeks, melted away by the small, caring gestures Tenzo gifted to you. Instead, there was this strange, bright spark and the jumping of your heart, so entirely different from the earlier fear and hopelessness.

Fear was cold, you knew that from the many nightmares and imaginations you had in the hospital while treating ANBUs. This feeling pooling in your stomach and melting your brain was warm and tickling, tugging at the corners of your mouth when you heard Tenzo’s warm timbre, was far off from the horror which had always overtaken you whenever you spotted a white mask in the shadows.

Your brain was still running in circles when your body acted. One step forward, two steps, slow but steady. Then, your movements unaffected by the conflict on your mind, you fell to your knees, right between the legs of the ANBU.

“…(Y/N)…?” Tenzo asked. And even without the enhanced hearing abilities of a shinobi you could easily make out the panicked slur in his voice. “What are you doing?”

“I do what I told you I would do. Help you get comfortable.” Your hands reached for his right arm and when your fingers slid over the warmed-up leather of the forearm protector, Tenzo tensed.

But he didn’t do anything else. Didn’t lash out, didn’t stop you, didn’t say anything. Tenzo just watched, his muscles straining against whatever inner turmoil overwhelmed him, how you started to unbuckle the small straps of the armor. One by one, the leather binds fell away. Partly, the tips of your fingers brushed over rough hills and valleys. Old tissue, badly mended and even worsely healed together.

Your heart bleed a little when you felt the proof of such a hard life. But you didn’t dare to mention those scars, just like Tenzo probably hesitated to tell you to stop. Like that, you carefully removed the right arm-piece, then bent slightly over to give your attention to the left. By now, you were familiar with the structure of the protector, therefore, the removal of the second went a little bit faster. The leather and the straps rustled weakly as you removed them and settled them on top of the first, right beside your legs. When your hands felt for the zipper of the shinobi sandals, Tenzo made a suspicious sound, half groan, half low sigh.

“Are you in pain?” Your hands froze, fingers just having found the metallic zipper and the teeth already halfway opened. “Tenzo, speak with me.”

“Yes.” More hiss than everything else. “It’s… I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Should I-?” You let go of the zipper. But Tenzo shook his head, the mask blinking in the moonlight.

“Please continue. I will not fall asleep.” He sounded like he tried to convince himself of that fact, a certain rasp clinging to the desperate syllables.

A single nod was everything you could muster. “Alright. I will hurry up.”

Being close to Tenzo was dangerous. Always a professional, your fingers didn’t tremble the tiniest bit as they continued their work, dragging the zipper with a weak rustle down and helping the man to get out of the shoe. But your mind was still running in wild circles.

_ He smells so good. Of leaves and dirt and nature. Like the trees. _

_ His legs… Oh heavens, his legs are strong. _

_ His arms too, didn’t you feel these massive muscles? _

_ I bet he could handle me quite well… _

Darkness in your bedroom. A big hand, clasping your wrists together and pinning them over your head. His voice, tickling over your sweat-stained neck and the following chuckle vibrating in your ears. Your hips rolling against his, against a hard bulge begging for your attention and his frantic answer, a wordless groan and a buck of his own hips…

Before the ANBU could check on your heartbeat or the rising temperature in your cheeks, you dragged both sandals with lightning speed down and over his feet. Only absentmindedly, you allowed yourself to think about touching the thick thigh to help Tenzo getting rid of his weapon’s pouch.

“Well then…” you said and tried not to sound too breathless, “I’m leaving all of your things beside the couch. I have to be early up tomorrow and I apologize beforehand if I’ll wake you up.”

Despite the late hour (Or early hour? You had no idea how much time passed), you felt not the slightest bit tired. Maybe you would survive the next shift with an extra strong black coffee from hell Chie invented. No matter what, you were sure you wouldn’t catch any sleep tonight.

With a hollow ‘flump’, Tenzo let his body fall into the cushions. The couch groaned weakly under his weight but that was the only sound from him before the man nodded. You could only notice because the cat mask was such a bright marker in the shadowy darkness, rubbing over the fabric of the couch where Tenzo’s head must be.

“I’ll get you another pillow and a blanket.” you informed him quietly. Maybe ANBUs were that sensitive they could even hear a bare whisper when they drifted off to sleep or Tenzo was still somehow awake. A sleepy grunt was everything you received, followed by a little shuffle deeper into the soft cushions of the couch.

You tried to tell yourself that the little, incredibly cute gesture didn’t send your brain into a wild frenzy, cooing and gushing over the unconscious motion. While you shuffled through the closet in search for a spare blanket and pillow, you tried to calm down your wildly fluttering heart. And when you came back to the couch and saw how relaxed and ridiculously small Tenzo looked, curled up and his nearly closed hands in front of his masked mouth, the slight blush rising to your face couldn’t be concealed. And still. You bore with the heat until you had softly pressed the small pillow underneath the man’s head and spread the thin blanket over his body. Only then, you allowed your cooler hands to fly up and cover your cheeks, all the while you stared helplessly down at the soundly sleeping figure, who was unaware of your rapidly rising pulse.

“God…” you groaned, “This is bad…”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra-cheesy Kudos to Chisie, who also wanted to proofread for this work! Thank you a lot! :3


	5. Blooming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time flies by and slowly, Tenzo not only invades your flat but also...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! A week early! Because it's going good currently with the fic.  
> (But only this time, so next chapter will be posted in two weeks again. Most likely ;) )

_ “Hey Kinoe…”     _

_ “Yes?”    _

_ The dark sky above you was full of stars. Bright, small, and big ones, all of them shining and twinkling for Kinoe and you. Both of you laid on your backs in the grass of your clearing. The grass was the perfect mattress for children, soft and still with a sense of adventure tickling in the back of your head. Relaxed, your arms laid on your stomach and in the back of your neck. Kinoe was lying right by your side, both of his arms crossed behind his head, serving as a little extra pillow. His long chestnut brown hair brushed the sensitive side of your arm and send the by now familiar, warm tingles and butterflies right into your stomach. _

_ Those tingles made the angry speech you surely had to bear for coming back late worth it. _

_ Quickly, you coughed out. “What is your favorite memory?” _

_ Kinoe turned his head towards you but you didn’t look at him. Instead, you kept staring at the wide night sky, the blue-black tent filled with hundreds of beautiful glowworms. _

_ “What do you mean?” he asked after a few more seconds. _

_ You elbowed the boy, giggling a little bit. “Come on, that’s easy! What is your favorite memory? What made you laugh or smile a lot, even days or weeks later?”   _

_ “Hm.” _

_ To your surprise, Kinoe’s face immediately flushed to the bright red of a cherry. Even though your eyes were weak, you could see the darker shade crawling over his neck, his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, but foremost, you could feel the heat radiating from the taller boy. Out of instinct you inched closer to him, only a tiny bit of movement. _

_ Kinoe noticed. He noticed everything, always. A stuttered word and a somehow heavy sigh, too heavy for a child and too light for an adult, then a slender and strong hand brushed against yours, just as warm and sweaty as yours. _

_ A little tremor ran through your body. Before you realized what you were doing, you closed your chubby fingers around Kinoe’s, entangling them in a cheap imitation what you had seen your parents do when they were out and walked through the outer districts of Konoha. One arm in the back of your neck, the other brushing against the boy’s, you felt your stomach flipping over in swirling happiness. _

_ His hand trembled faintly, yours was sweaty to the point you feared your grip could loosen any second. Blood rushed into your face and you closed your eyes to avoid looking at the brunet you  _ liked _. Not only liked in the sense of friends liked their friends but more. More than that, bigger than that, in the sense of your parents liked each other and his parents liked each other. _

_ The concept of liking someone to this extent was foreign and even a little bit scary. Especially for the first time. You knew about your friends, giggling and whispering about their first crushes on the schoolyard, peeking through their fingers and sometimes fighting over the most popular boy in your class. You had never really understood what that meant, didn’t participate in those silly talks and tried to grasp every part of every view you encountered. But you just couldn’t understand until you experienced this tingling feeling first hand, like you had swallowed a handful of lightning. Now you knew. And it was fantastic. _

_ “I think,” Kinoe said and squeezed your hand, “this could be my favorite memory.” _

_ You squeezed back, the sweat in your hand drying slowly. “I think so too.”  _

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The morning came in a rush of scorching hot coffee and hastily thrown together clothes, all of it topped with sneaking around and knowing every carefully placed step was still heard by the other party. You thought you would find an empty couch and carefully folded blankets, maybe even a stripped off pillow and the cover sitting on top of the cushion. After all, ANBU’s weren’t known for their clinginess when they spent the night at a place. 

Not that you knew much about that. Only the reports of some of your previously stalked co-workers had prepared you for that image.

Like that, you were almost shocked to see the brown mop of shaggy hair still peeking over the armrest at one end of the couch, the naked feet hanging off and a slight, but distinct snore in the air.

Like you had run into a wall, you stopped, standing right behind the couch and staring down at the deeply sleeping man. His chestnut-colored strands curled around his ears, the skin slightly darker than the one further down his bare cheek, the crease of his eyebrows, the almost unnoticeable wrinkles around the peacefully closed eyes-!

His mask. His mask was gone. Tenzo didn’t wake up from your surely loud noises and he  _ lost his mask _ ,  _ lost his cat mask which protected his identity from all the other people, from his enemies and comrades all the same, but now you could look at him freely without a worry in the world-! _

Quickly, you swiveled around and pressed your eyes shut. This was dangerous. You had no idea why Tenzo would do such a thing, getting himself in such a danger of being found out but you wouldn’t give him one single  _ damn fucking _ reason to doubt your trust.

He had worked so hard for it, carefully nudged you towards the feeling of being safe around him, therefore, you owned him at least  _ that _ much.

Without giving the brunet and his unraveled face another glance, you went into the kitchen and tried to cook some coffee, your eyes trained on the stream of the ambrosia flowing into the can placed below the nozzle.

Unfortunately, the coffee machine wasn’t the youngest nor the most silent. In fact, it was an old beast of a machine, complete with unexplainable rattles from time to time and the occasional, mechanical screech of death, as you liked to call it, and like a cruel god who wanted to make your early morning even worse and nerve-wrecking, today the old thing decided to let out a whistle which pierced not only your eardrums but woke up Tenzo with a bang.

Well, not a real bang. It was more a swish of sharp metal flying and the breaking of a nearly rusting metal as the kunai the shinobi threw out of instinct embedded itself right into the middle of the coffee machine.

A week before, you would have paled like a reaper appeared right in front of you, the scythe looming already to cut your life short. Now, you just glared disgruntled at the still shaking kunai, then at the coffee machine, which let out a last, despaired groan and fell silent, only to turn around to the now awake ANBU, complete with mask and his arm still stretched out from the initial throw.

“A good morning to you, too.” You sighed and absent-mindedly calculated the costs of buying a new coffee machine.

In your back, you heard the ruffle of finely manufactured spandex rubbing against leathery armor and a telltale moan of despair and shame. “I’m sorry,” Tenzo said and when you glanced again at him, the man had buried his masked face in his hands, “Sometimes, loud noises…”

He trailed off but you knew what he wanted to say.

“Doesn’t matter.” Inwardly, you already despised the mornings where you would need a strong coffee and couldn’t make one because of the destroyed machine and the missing money to buy a new one. “It’s old. Probably would’ve blown up anyway sometime. In my face, with my luck.”

“Still. I destroyed some of your possessions with my fits and I can only apologize for that.”

“As I said, no need.” With expert hands, you divided the pitiful results of the interrupted machine into two very small mugs. It was still not enough to fill them halfway and you sighed solemnly at the imagination of having to deal with the dishwater-beverages they dared to serve in the hospital. But the cheerful grin you had on your face as you turned around and handed one of the cups to Tenzo didn’t betray one bit your grieving mind. “Here.” His gloved hands brushed against yours as the man took the mug and a tingle spread through your hand, “and take your time in getting out. I have to leave in a few minutes and I would lock the front door. Is it a problem for you to climb out of the window?”

“Not at all.”

“Do you feel refreshed? Are your chakra reserves restored?”

Tenzo nodded. “And I don’t feel as heavy as the other times. Thank you.”

“A perfect “thank you” would consist of telling the other ANBU’s about this. Would save the nurses a lot of work, you know?” Hastily, you placed your mug in the sink to wash later. “Alright, time for me to go. Feel free to stay as long as you want.”

You didn’t look at the man standing in your kitchen as you brushed past him. The memory of a strong jaw and a sharp eyebrow were still clear in your mind, dangerously clear and tempting. You tried to get ready as fast as possible, slinging a light scarf around your neck and a coat over your shoulders to protect yourself from the strong winds howling outside.

But a hand came into your view when you tried to open the door. A hand which closed the small space between door and door frame, a hand which blocked your exit from your own flat.

You weren’t scared. Instead, you glared over your shoulder at Tenzo, who had the audacity to stop you from making it punctual to your shift, without the right amount of coffee in your system to deal with whatever-kind-of-bullshit the head nurse would throw at you today.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, the impatience only barely banned out of the words. “Don’t you feel good?”

“I do.” Tenzo’s timbre echoed through the tight space. “I wanted to ask… if you had a problem with me returning the favor.”

“Not at all.” Hectically, you looked at the clock standing on the drawer beside the door. Only two more minutes, then every time-puffer you ever had was used up. “What do you want to do?”

“Cook.”

“Cook?”

Tenzo cocked his head. “Yes. Tonight. Is that a problem?”

“Not at all,” you repeated, this time smiling slightly, “but I have to go now. I believe you can let yourself in, right?”

“You believe right.”

“Then everything is clear. See you later, Tenzo.”

You suppressed the sudden urge to lean upwards and kiss the man on the cheek. Like it was a normal morning, Tenzo trying to make you stay longer with his little attics and you trying to go to work. This wasn’t a normal day in your household, no everyday-situation with a sugar-coated atmosphere and love hanging in the air.

Tenzo wasn’t your boyfriend. Kiyoshi was. And still… Unconsciously, you found yourself on your tip-toes, your head tilted back and expecting the man to lean forward, until you realized what was happening. What you thought, believed, fantasized would happen. Your heels slammed on the ground and with a rapidly beating heart, you swiveled around and opened the door. Tenzo allowed it, looking after you with his eyes hidden in the shadows of the mask.

“See you later.” he called after you and you waved over your shoulder.

_ This can’t be happening. This isn’t… I’m with Kiyoshi. _

_ He isn’t here. _

_ I will resist. I absolutely will. _

_ Let me see you try. _

You tried to tell yourself that. But during your shift, between bloodied, broken bodies and snotty noses, your mind drifted off to chestnut-brown hair and a strong jaw, hugged by black spandex.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thankfully, you forgot about the deal you made with Tenzo during your shift. Otherwise you would have continued to drift off into impossible and absolutely intolerable daydreams. But then, a group of shinobi came in, all of them near the doorstep to death. Trying to save them erased every wishful cloud castle and when one of them died under your hands, his mouth open in a silent scream and his chest just as open, you needed to take a break. In the crisp afternoon wind, the fall sun shining above you and splotches of blood drying on your uniform, you tried to remember why you had taken this occupation. Why you had so much admiration for the other nurses, why you tried to prolong the lives of people who threw it away, why you did what you did.

_ Because they protect us. Because I can help them. Because I can do my part in protecting the village, may it be small and insignificant. Because healing people was my dream since my childhood, since what happened. Healing people, seeing the hope and life… brings me life. _

Still, your mood was dark and sullied when you entered your flat. The keys were thrown into the bowl on the cupboard, metal loudly cluttering against wood. You slipped out of your coat and struggled for a moment, before you cursed under your breath and hastily stripped the resisting cloth off. In a pile the coat crumbled on the ground and you stared blindly at it, unwilling to pick it up and put it away.

What use would it have? What would you gain from the action? Nothing, absolutely nothing but a coat which was possibly still wet in the morning when you would slip into the stiff and smelly fabric.

With a low huff, you let the coat sit in the middle of the entrance area and proceeded to take off your shoes. One, then the second boot came into contact with the ground, both times loud and without any restraints. You didn’t care, it wasn’t like any of your neighbors would complain. The old, married couple beneath you was deaf, so deaf in fact you would even dare to dance with high shoes over the wooden ground and not fear a thing.

On bare feet, you slipped into the living room, only to stop dead in your tracks. The small table where you usually sat with Kiyoshi at one of your rare free evenings and ate your dinner while sharing stories was fully equipped. Plates and knives and forks, small spoons and two sake cups were out. The good set for guests, sparkling white and green leaves, twirling around the edges of the delicate porcelain. A bottle of a well-known sake brand stood in the middle of the table, beads of water slowly drawing paths over the surface and vanishing in the white cloth someone used to hide the marks of the old furniture.

_ Right. Tenzo wanted to cook. _

_ No one told him to go all out! _

Only now the delicious smell of cheese, vegetables and some herbs filled your nose. You inhaled deeply, let the different notes linger in your brain and the spittle immediately filled your mouth. Gods, you were hungry. Every shift in the hospital was straining and today had been no exception from the rule.

Especially today.

Quickly, you shoved the images of bare lungs and open chests out of your mind. Tenzo wasn’t in the kitchen but you clearly saw his impact on your home as you looked around. His sandals stood by the window he probably used to get inside, the soles and leather clean enough to drop them on the carpet without a worry in the world. To cook peacefully, the man had stripped off his chest plate and forearm protectors. Both sat on the couch he had occupied this morning, the smaller guards on top of the big one. And, you noticed after a second look, Tenzo lost his weapon pouch too. The chest plate covered nearly everything of the small bag, only a little bit of the opening peeked out from below.

The big question was: Where was Tenzo?

Seconds later, the question was answered. The murmur of the toilet let you swivel around and when the bathroom door opened, revealing the masked ANBU who just dried the last bits of water on his black pants, you shook with a weak smile on your lips your head.

“Really, Tenzo?” You gestured to the table. “Isn’t that a bit too much?”

The ANBU shrugged. “You helped me out when you had every right to turn me away. I wanted to thank you properly. And I killed your coffee machine.”

“There’s no need. I only did my job.”

“Not this time, (Y/N). Not this time.”

You wanted to discuss more but when you opened your mouth, nothing but silence came out. Tenzo was right. You had the chance to decline his request, could’ve said no. Because you hadn’t been a nurse yesterday night, you were only you, not your job. But you decided to help the man, despite your residing fear and the traitorous racing of your heart.

Tenzo chuckled warmly as you closed your mouth in defeat.

“Fine,” you huffed and turned around, “Your offer is accepted and appreciated.”

In your back, you heard the man laugh lowly. The sound was muffled by the always present mask, diminishing and losing weight. Faintly you wished Tenzo would lose the muzzle somewhere along the evening. Because it was a muzzle, choking and swallowing things.

His humanity, for example.

_ What am I-!? Are you kidding me? Not even fifteen minutes and I’m already hoping he would show me his whole face! Come on, get your act together woman! _

“What have you fabricated?” You tried to joke a bit. Usually, it was enough to loosen the tension inside your stomach, this uncomfortable brick weighing you down. Not this time though. Tenzo’s gestures made that impossible.

In the exact moment you tried to reach out to your usual chair, the ANBU was already there. His bare fingers closed around the backrest of the simple wooden chair and drew it backwards. Making space for you, like you two were on a…

On a date.

“Oh.” The sound which erupted from behind the cat mask could only be described as dejected. “Sorry. Were my motions too fast?”

“No. It’s alright.” You stepped towards the table, waited for a second and sat down when you felt how the chair hit the back of your knees. Then, you looked upwards, directly into the masked face, trying to smile like you truly meant it. “I was just surprised of your thoughtful behavior, nothing else.”

Tenzo wasn’t at fault. He didn’t force your thoughts and brain to circle around him. The poor ANBU had no idea why your heart beat so fast and why your pulse was racing through your veins. He had absolutely no idea what his kindness did with your hormones. Probably he still believed it was the fear you harbored for him and his colleagues making you act a little bit coy and bashful.

But it was the heat crawling into your cheeks.  _ The _ goddamn heat and nervousness rummaging through your bones. Secretly, you wiped the sweat off your palms on your pants as you heard Tenzo walking into the kitchen, without a doubt getting your dinner.

To distract yourself, you reached to the cold sake bottle and tugged Tenzo’s cup closer. “Do you want some sake?” you asked and prayed to the forces above he wouldn’t notice the slight tremble of the question.

“Sure.” Clanking and shuffling in the kitchen, followed by a wave of heat as the oven was opened. “I hope you like what I cooked. It’s something I usually cook for myself and I don’t know if others can stand the taste.”

“Tenzo, it smells heavenly.” And really, you felt the spittle again rising when the source of the indeed delicious smell came closer. “Nothing which smells this good can be disgusting.”

The ANBU laughed again and slowly, your heart started to calm down too. Maybe if you acted like this was a normal evening with Kiyoshi…? Yes, maybe that way you would survive without making a fool of yourself.

Silently, the man placed an ovenproof dish right beside the sake bottle. Potatoes, cheese, a bit of minced meat, a mix of sour crème and different herbs, broccoli, noodles and topped with more cheese, placed together in baked perfection. You leaned forward and inhaled. Immediately, the combination of the different ingredients overwhelmed your senses. Your stomach growled loudly, demanding to be feed and cared for, with  _ this _ exact food and nothing else.

_ A normal evening with Kiyoshi. Come on, you can do it. _

You spoke up when Tenzo sat down and was about to fill your plate with a spoon of the casserole. “And? How was your day? Did anything happen?” And you added, before you could really think about it: “Or is all of your day considered as classified information?”

Tenzo froze. Slowly, oh so slowly the black holes of the cat mask lifted and the eyes hidden inside those shadows scanned your whole face, all the while trying to figure out if you just said what the man thought he heard.

In comparison, you continued to smiled as innocent as possible.  _ Act normal, act normal!  _ “I mean, I understand if you can’t speak about it. It’s just nice to have a conversation going while you eat. It’s not…” You gestured warily around. “Since I’m alone, the rooms feel a bit too big for me.”

There. You said it. Threw the glove right in front of Tenzo’s feet. Now it was his job to pick it up and keep the talk going. Otherwise, you just made a total fool out of yourself.

Patiently, you waited. And waited. And waited a little longer, until the blush you had desperately tried to fight forced its way on your face. Tenzo only stared at his empty plate, hands clawing almost into the edge of the table. You wouldn’t even be surprised to find imprints of his fingers in the hardwood later.

Mumbling a weak “Sorry”, you quickly picked up your fork and started to eat, filling your incorrigible mouth with food to stop yourself from spurting more nonsense. Well, that was your intention at first. Truth was, the foreign dish was just too good to use it as a mere distraction. The moment the first fork of potato, cheese and a bit of the strange sauce touched your tongue, you swore you felt how your taste buds started to cheer in unison at the heavenly experience.

Shocked, your eyes widened. You were accustomed to good food, Kiyoshi was a cook after all and you would say some of your meals were also pretty good on their own. But this was a whole different level of sweet heaven the ANBU put on a plate!

The next bite was just as good. And the next one after that. Before you even realized what was happening, half of your plate was empty and you had raised the fork with another bite of broccoli and godly cheese.

“Not all of my life is classified information.”

Abruptly, reality crashed into you. Right, Tenzo hadn’t said anything about your earlier intrusion of his privacy. While you basked in the food he cooked, the man sat right across the small table and probably debated with himself if he could tell you anything and if yes, what exactly he could spill without spilling sensitive information which wasn’t meant to be heard by the ears of a civilian. A quick look at his still full plate underlined your suspicions.

Not one bite was missing. Even the fork and knife laid still beside the plate, untouched and neglected.

While lowering the next, heavenly smelling bite of casserole, you tried to look as concerned as possible without seeming too pathetic or even - _ oh hell no! _ \- pitying the man for what he was about to tell. “Go on.” you whispered hoarsely.

Tenzo twitched, like he had been drowning in his thoughts and your words broke the spell. The shadowy holes of the mask were again directed at your face, studying your features, measuring your expression. Your breath hitched. How come such black, bottomless holes could display such intensity?

“I reported to the Hokage,” Tenzo started and his eyes dropped to the plate, “and she asked where I went. Apparently, some of my comrades noticed my absence from our… home. I… I said I stayed over at a friend’s house.”

“And?” For the first time, you reached out to the delicate sake cup. “Did she believe you?”

“I hope so.”

“Me too. If not, they interrogate again all of the nurses. What a pain.”

“Why?”

The sake burned pleasantly on your tongue as you took a careful sip. “The hospital wants to make sure no shinobi grows too fond of a nurse. In an unhealthy, obsessive way.” you said and watched Tenzo’s reaction. “And last time I was alone with three erringly silent ANBUs and a shinobi with a senbon in his mouth, I… Uhm…”

“What?” Tenzo sounded genuinely interested. “What happened?”

A sigh fell from your lips. “I fell unconscious. I woke up to my colleagues either worrying endlessly or smirking at the panicked fit I threw.”

Not your best moment in your life. The instant you awoke, you scrambled into a corner of the room, ignoring the calm comments of Chie and the whispered ripples going through the little crowd. You ignored them, rocked your body back and forth, knees drawn to your chest and arms slung around them, like your own embrace was everything what kept you from falling apart.

With a shake of your head, you fell back into the present. “At least I was granted some vacation after that. No big deal, really.” A shrug, then you stuffed your mouth again with some of the delicious dinner.

Only now Tenzo made the effort of picking up his own cutlery. But the tools hung over the plate and the steaming hot casserole, inches apart and yet so far. “May I ask why you are so scared of the Black Ops? Did something happen to you that you feel this way?”

_ A kunai at your throat, held by a steady hand. _

_ A monotone voice, commanding and accepting nothing less than obedience. _

_ An order, carried out without any mercy or regard for soft feelings. _

The old scar at your neck tingled. Nervously, you tugged the neckline of your shirt higher. “Something happened, yes. Though I don’t talk about it. Can you… can you accept that?”

When Tenzo nodded slowly and lifted his mask an inch to take the first bite of his well-deserved dinner, you breathed in, trying to calm your racing heart. An old memory, nothing worthy to think about.

The tingle and tickle of the old tissue told a different story.

(…)

To your own surprise, the rest of the evening was… pleasant. More than that. It reminded you of the start of your relationship with Kiyoshi. The little banter between bites, the uninhibited talking, the slow emptying of the sake bottle when both of you were too full to eat anymore. The more sake vanished, the more barricades fell. Yours and Tenzo’s. 

Cracking more jokes. Laughing, his deep timbre mingling with your drunken giggles. Hearing more stories about his senpai, about the antics of his other friends, the training, ranting to him about the head nurse and her little pets, his acceptance and companionship. Your hands brushing together, one finger over another, a thumb nudging accidently against the side of a strong and scarred hand. Careful, small touches. Accidental, measured at your swaying vision.

Accidental, because Tenzo allowed himself to give in to the alcohol…?

Whatever this was, it felt great and you didn’t want to lose it.

The weak buzz was close to grow into a big one as the brunet announced that it was getting late and that he probably should leave. But out of unknown reasons, Tenzo just sat there while his words echoed through your brain, unmoving and his mask again facing you directly. He waited; waited for something you had no name for, unmoving and holding his breath.

You didn’t expect to feel… To feel… You had no idea how you felt. There was this strange tugging at your heart, stinging and pulling. The old scar at your neck tingled still, though not as strong as before anymore, and suddenly, coldness wrecked through your body and the walls of the room seemed to loosen and widen, until there was nothing left but darkness and this table, dimly lit and a warm island in the sea of loneliness.

In the corner of your vision, you noticed how Tenzo stood up. He was ready to leave, unfazed and unconcerned about the solitude of your empty apartment. Tired of waiting for you.

Before you knew it, you also moved out of your chair, voice slightly trembling as you spoke. “Can you…? Can you come tomorrow too? After all,” you quickly continued as the mask was cocked to the side, “there’s still some of the casserole left and alone I won’t manage to eat it all. It would be a shame to throw food away, don’t you think?”

A poor excuse. But in your blurred daze you didn’t care if your ANBU noticed the badly hidden intentions behind your invitation. He was safe. He was warm. And you needed that warmth, craved for it with all of your mind and body. You wanted to wrap your arms around him and feel how every little ounce of heat seeped into your form, how Tenzo would gently put his arms around you and kiss the crown of your head, the bare lips curled into a soft smile…

_ Silly dreams. Nothing but silly dreams. _

Right. Another, unsteady shake of your head. “Of course, only if you want to. I’m sure I would be able to portion the casserole properly. I just had to live of the same food for a week or so, nothing too serious. I mean, there are people who have no food at all, thus, I shouldn’t complain. Am I rambling?”

To your relief, Tenzo’s warm chuckle vibrated in your ears. “Only a little bit. And yes, (Y/N). I will visit you again. If you want to have me.”

Sweet, sweet relief. The darkness lightened, chased away by the promise the ANBU gave. Unbeknownst to you, a wide, innocent smile spread on your lips. “Then, I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Same time?”

“Same time.” And there it was again, this strange impulse to stand on your tiptoes and give the masked cheek a kiss. Your heart wanted to move forward, wanted to hug the man close and never let go, bask in his warmth and care and appreciation of your presence, but your mind was stronger and obviously  _ not  _ insane. Barely, you compromised with a widening of your already bright smile, while you fought your heart which begged and screamed to not let Tenzo go ever again.

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After a long and dreadful shift, you entered your own home and weren’t surprised to see a pair of black ANBU sandals sitting idly beside the living room window. That and the shuffling through the cupboards of your kitchen were by now telltale signs Tenzo was here and cooked.

Cooked yet again. Cooked and fattened you with his absolutely simple and still oh so deliciously cooking.

Your nostrils flared as you took the air in, all the while heeling your shoes off your feet and stripping the rain jacket off. For two days now it rained endlessly, either a slight drizzle or coming down in a true flood of enormous proportions. The perfect weather for some cookies, with a glass of cool milk, the chocolate chips still melting while you dunked them in the cool treat.

The scent of vanilla and the sweetest chocolate greeted you and when you stuck your head into the kitchen, Tenzo was about to slip into the pair of ridiculous oven mittens in a bright baby-blue you would definitely remember if they were your own.

His mask turned to you and he raised his hand for a wave, amusement at your begging eyes evident in the little chuckle ringing within the sentence. “You look like you will kill for those cookies.”

“I will,” you groaned lowly, “And my first victim will be the head nurse. Another double shift tomorrow, just because one of her pets begged with big puppy-eyes not to make him work so hard.”

You closed your eyes when Tenzo’s light laugh floated through the air, together with the sound of your oven opening and closing. Vanilla and chocolate, interwoven with the unmistakable smell of roasted walnuts, filled in thick whiffs the air and you breathed deeply in, not even fighting against the lazy smile spreading on your face.

This wasn’t hardly the first time the shinobi entered your flat and just started to cook or bake whatever his heart craved for. No, this kind of meeting established itself naturally over the last weeks, after the little bit slurred invitation from you and Tenzo’s promise to come by again. And he really did. More than that. He returned, day after day, faithful and loyal like a dog you had fed occasionally. Sometimes, Tenzo was already there when you woke up early in the morning, bringing over some coffee he bought on the way to your flat. Sometimes, he would knock at your window when you had a free day and wanted to relax with a good book on your couch. One time, he also stayed over. An accident; you two were so deeply indulged in your conversation Tenzo only noticed the rising sun when he had sneaked a glimpse out of the window.

Finally, your flat didn’t feel empty anymore. Not lifeless, silent, even when there was someone else by your side, living, day by day. But not living with each other. But living side by side. Two people, meant to share everything they had but deciding against it. Two people, not talking to each other besides the bare necessities. Two people, hiding behind the excuse of their busy jobs to avoid each other and any kind of intimacy.

Even though you knew it was wrong, even though you were in a relationship with Kiyoshi, your boyfriend for  _ seven years _ , you allowed Tenzo to invade more and more of your walls. Yes, allowed. You didn’t struggle, didn’t try to put up a fight. Indeed, you thanked the man profoundly whenever he stopped by, more than any formula of hospitality commanded. You were dejected when Tenzo wasn’t already waiting in your flat and when you heard him knock at the window, your heart paused for some moments, only to accelerate into unknown, scary heights.

You were falling for the ANBU, fast and rapidly and you didn’t do anything to stop the process.

Your fear for the masked man was long gone, replaced by nerve-wrecking nervousness and sweaty palms. The careful glances to watch out for a possible harmful motion, exchanged for secret appreciation of his presence and well-trained body. The stutters of your tongue, switched out for faint blushes and calming pep-talks in your bathroom.

The audible clank of glass meeting wood ripped you out of your thoughts and forcefully, you shoved also the depressing imaginations of Kiyoshi’s return aside.

Tenzo was smiling behind his mask, you learned to differentiate between his stances and almost unnoticeable angles of his head. “What are you thinking about? I called your name two times.”

Two times already? Your eyebrows furrowed on instinct. “Really? Sorry, I wasn’t quite present.”

With a low huff, Tenzo sat down beside you, the couch grunting at the added weight. “I noticed. Cookie?”

Instantly, your mouth started to water.  _ Cookies _ . Fresh, warm, out of the oven. The chocolate was still melting, intermingling with the remains of the dough-core, soft and teasing your nose with promises of sugar and  _ more sugar _ .

“How could I say no to that?” You leaned towards the plate with a whole tower of said treats and picked the one from the top. “I have to try them, at least. They cannot be worse than the store-bought ones.”

“I hope so.” You could call his tone almost cheerful as the man leaned in and picked up a cookie himself. Only now noticed the two cups with blessed, cool milk. Both of them stood right beside the plate with sweat treats. Explained the sound which had ripped you out of…

“Can you read my thoughts?” Cookie in one hand, the other already reaching for the cold beverage, you glanced at the brunet. “This is just too perfect for such a rainy day, you know?”

Tenzo chuckled, all the while the cookie came dangerously close to the spot where his mouth was supposed to be. “I have no idea what you mean.” There. Just a swivel in the air. The next moment, the cookie in his gloved hands missed a piece and the telltale crunching sounds from underneath the cat mask told you enough. “This is almost a routine for me. Fall is predestined for rain and rainy weather calls for warm cookies, milk and blankets. Nothing else.”

“You’re absolutely right.” It was almost the same thing your mother had told you over and over when the said season came in, with the bright leaves in the trees and on the ground, the crisp air and morning dew turning into icy drops. “Cookies and milk. The only thing we’re missing is…”

Your voice trailed off as a light blanket gently floated over your head and into your lap, already spreading and covering both your legs and Tenzo’s. One glance over your shoulder and you nearly shrieked in surprise to see another Tenzo standing in your back, his arms still raised from arranging the blanket over you. When he noticed your bewildered stare, the clone waved with a cocked head which indicated amusement, then puffed into non-existence, all the while the real man dunked his cookie in the milk. “Sorry,” he muttered around another bite of baked good, “I was too lazy to get up. Is that a problem for you?”

Was it? Not really.

“Just… Please warn me next time.” you said and mirrored his motion, “Otherwise, I see myself forced to scream bloody murder from the scare.”

The cookie was so soft that it nearly fell apart as the milk came into contact with the still warm thing. Cursing under your breath, you had to hastily take a bite before crumbs would swim in the milk. And it was just as good as you imagined. No, even better.

_ Heavens. _ Just as soft as you imagined, sweeter and at the same time, a strong note of vanilla was woven into the dough. With closed eyes, you chased after the taste, tried to capture it with everything you had, but it was gone as soon as you swallowed. The next bite was just as fast gone, until you stared bewildered at your empty hand and the half-empty mug, your tongue and stomach screaming for more cookies.

Tenzo leaned slightly over. His tone was worried, maybe taken back by your threat to scream out if he ever scared you again. “And?” he asked, “Are they good?”

You grunted and reached for the next cookie. This time, you gobbled the treat down, not waiting for the man to get back from your ignorance of his question. The brunet was still intently staring at you when you finished the second cookie and with a roll of your eyes, you turned to him. “I just ate two cookies,” you started and your hand was already hovering above the plate again, “And I’m about to get my third one. Yes, they are good. More than that, they are a heaven’s present, served on a golden plate. Where did you get the recipe?”

“It’s my own.”

“Impressive.” At least, you tried to say the single word clearly. The unfortunate truth was, that the third cookie found its way into your mouth, therefore, you had to mumble around the dough more than anything. It sounded more like “’mpreshv.”

A little miracle, Tenzo understood what you wanted to say. At least, you figured as much as the man turned away, his free hand scrubbing wildly through his ragged hair and the tips of his ears suspiciously red.

_ He’s cute when he’s flustered. _

The forbidden thought vanished just as fast as it had come. You had tried to ignore the mere physical attraction to Tenzo for some weeks now. But now, out of a whim, you allowed yourself to look at him. To  _ really _ look at him, not with the eyes of a scared victim, not with the eyes of a well-schooled nurse and certainly not with the eyes of a girlfriend faithful to her gone boyfriend. You looked at Tenzo with the eyes of a woman, who looked at a man she liked more than she should.

And you liked what you saw. Not for the first time, you noticed the swell of his muscles. Hours and hours of training went into those defined arms and those  _ thick _ thighs, contracting underneath the thin, black spandex whenever he moved only remotely. His big hands were a sight to see as they cradled carefully the delicate porcelain of the cup and for a second, the image of those big, gentle fingers cradling your hands flashed through your mind. A shudder ran down your spine, not at all unpleasant. The line of his jaw and your memory of the silhouette made together a good-looking face, even though more of the skin-tight fabric Tenzo pulled up all over his chin, but not higher. But you especially liked the mob of chestnut-brown colored strands, curling slightly around his ears and looking so incredibly soft that you couldn’t help yourself but to wish just to let your fingers run through his hair.

Then, the little moment of undisturbed ogling was over. Tenzo turned around and caught right in the act, you felt your blood rise right into your cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, the concern swinging in every syllable of the short question.

Instead of admitting to at least some of your feelings, namely the physical attraction to him, you started to cough wildly, gesturing vaguely towards the cookies.

_ He can believe what he wants. Even that I’m a cookie lunatic who nearly chokes on his baked goods. _

“Drink.” The man gestured to the milk, the chuckle ringing in his words. “Do I have to save you from yourself?”

“From your cookies, you wanted to say,” you croaked and quickly followed Tenzo’s suggestion. The cool milk helped a lot, so much in fact that you sighed lowly when you settled the cup again down.

The rain outside of your apartment didn’t slow down. You listened calmly for some minutes, how the water hit the glass of the windows, how the wind howled around the building and the weak groans of the trees around it.

Tenzo moved slightly closer. The couch was small, made for two people at most and the ANBU had given you a lot of space to avoid any kind of accidental contact. Thus, the bump of his knee against yours was deliberate, planned and carried out with the same efficiency every elite shinobi possessed.

Tingles spread from the spot where you touched him, where  _ he _ touched  _ you  _ and didn’t retreat to make clear it was only an accident. They ran right through your veins, up into your chest and brain, swirling around like a bunch of fireflies. Burning brightly, without any regard for the confusion and knowledge that there was a line you were about to cross. The happiness and excitement were stronger than that, stronger than your sense of right and wrong and your bond to Kiyoshi.

You wanted this. And Tenzo, the incredible, careful man he was, offered it with just such an insignificant touch. His body language always had been louder than any words.

Gently, you answered. Just a slight nudge of your knee into his leg, pressing closer and flushing more clothed skin together. Knee bumping against knee, toes curling over other toes. Whatever your guilty consciousness wanted to say, it died on the way. It wasn’t important.

The moment was, the warmth of another human body against your leg, the twitch of muscles as Tenzo sighed in satisfaction and leaned back, in his hands another cookie and the cup of milk. Your reaction to it, the familiarity behind such a simple gesture, the feeling of  _ finally  _ being there where you had to be.

Together, you listened to the rain, your legs more and more cuddling together and you more and more aware of the fact that this wasn’t just a simple crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big applause to Chisie, who took it upon herself to proofread the chapters! You're such a big help for me, you have no idea T^T


	6. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're wary of your feelings for Tenzo, but when your next night shift comes up, something happens which changes the view on your life and the resolve for the emotions you harbor for the ANBU.

_ It was the day after you stayed out late and earned yourself not only a hefty speech of your mother and father about responsibility and rules but also, the punishment of being grounded for a week. Pouting, you sat at your window, which allowed you the vision upon the edges of the forest. In a light shirt and loose pants, the feet as bare as always, you stared outside, your eyes following every little motion and movement of the trees and leaves. Kinoe maybe had expected you to come back to the clearing, after the night you spent under the star-spangled sky. But you couldn’t when your mother watched with hawk eyes over the doors and windows, knowing you would find a way out if she left only a little bit of opportunity. _

_ Nothing. No wind, no breeze ruffling even the smallest of twigs and leaves. Frustrated and disappointed, you buried your face in your drawn-up knees and grumped lowly. Sure, it was your fault for staying out late. But why couldn’t your mom and dad understand how important that had been for you? Kinoe was your friend and maybe, he could be more than that…? _

_ Still pressed into your knees, blood rose into your face at the memory of yesterday. You had held hands for a long time, the sweat in your palms drying and slowly, but steadily, you even felt comfortable with edging closer to his body. You had cuddled with Kinoe, shoulder to shoulder and your forehead pressing into the curve of his arm while he stuttered a few explanations about the stars and their different myths and legends out. _

_ Without a word, you had parted, when the stars started to fade out and the hue of a lighter blue rose in the east. Without a word needed, both of you had known you would be again here today. But stopped by your parents, you couldn’t follow up on your silent yet strong promise. _

_ Another glance out into the nature. It was afternoon, the sun hanging low and the clouds assembling somewhere in the north. A storm brewed, maybe coming down in the next days or some more. Your eyes raked over the tree line, searching and hoping for a little sign of your friend. _

_ There. Was it your imagination or was there a hand waving at you out of the bushes of an especially huge tree? It wasn’t, you noted absent-mindedly down as Kinoe jumped out of the tree, the knees slightly bend as he landed in the high grass. _

_ You scrambled to your feet, giddy excitement rushing with the force of the water itself into your stomach. One opened window later, you nearly hung yourself out of the opening, beaming down at the boy who waved shyly at you. “Sorry, I couldn’t come out today! My parents grounded me for a week.” _

_ “Oh.” Kinoe looked like he wanted to melt with a tree. “I’m sorry for that.” _

_ “It’s not your fault. I should’ve watched the time closer.” _

_ “Do you regret it? Because of the punishment?” _

_ You smiled at his obvious hesitance. “No. Not at all.” _

_ “Good.” Kinoe said. You nearly didn’t hear the weak word, so silent and hushed was his voice. “That is… good. Can I… Do you think I could… come up, maybe?” _

_ Heat crawled into your cheeks. Kinoe? In your room? Quickly, you threw a glance over your shoulder. Was it too messy? Kinoe seemed like a boy who liked at least a mildly organized chaos. Sure, you made your bed and the floor was clean, the books were all in the shelves and your three stuffed toys sat properly on the drawer. But was it really okay to allow Kinoe in here? _

_ “I-Uhhm… I mean, it’s not-it’s alright not to, it was jus-just a question, you know?” _

_ Apparently, you had checked the state of your personal space too long. Too long for Kinoe’s nerves. Now, the boy was fidgeting around, chewing nearly at his fingers while he did so. The long, chestnut-brown hair was also dragged in it, being curled around his fingers and tugged apart, one by one. _

_ You couldn’t stand seeing the boy like that. So, you waved at him, grinning and giggling a bit when you saw how he flushed brightly. “Make it quick!” _

_ Quickly, you made space for Kinoe but he didn’t need it. With a swish of air, he landed on the windowsill, a dark, small shadow against the bright sky behind him. The grin on his face though was breathtaking and you felt how more blood rushed into your own face at the sight of the cute, black eyes and the sight of Kinoe taking in the sight of your personal room. _

_ “It’s nice.” Strangely, Kinoe didn’t look like he was present. A curtain laid over his black eyes, telling you he thought of something entirely different. “Really… homey.” _

_ “Thank you?” you said. “Why don’t you come in?” _

_ It was so strange. Kinoe was a friend who you automatically connected to the nature, to freedom and the sky above your heads. Not confined in a room, walls closing in and artificial colors surrounding the boy. The sensation lasted for merely seconds, though the impression it left on you would last for hours. _

_ When he stood before you, you could only think of holding hands and careful contact. Otherwise, your head was empty; painfully, but obviously empty. _

_ Kinoe also only stood there, right in front of you, the hands stuffed into the pockets of his pants and the haori faintly glistening in the sunlight. _

_ Suddenly, you started to blabber. “Yesterday was great!” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “I mean, I never knew how much stories were up in the sky, you know? Thank you so much for telling me all those stories, Kinoe.” _

_ “No problem.” _

_ “And I like you.” _

_ He didn’t answer. So, you tried again. “I like you. A little bit more than a friend likes a friend. You… You understand what I mean?” _

_ Slowly, Kinoe shook his head. Pure confusion stood in his eyes, together with a very small glint of understanding. Too small to properly work with but also too big to simply ignore. _

_ Shivers crawled up and down your spine, and now it was your time to fidget on the same spot, to cloth the warm, tingly feelings into fresh words. Words you never used before. _

_ “Right now,” you blubbered, “Right now, we’re friends, right? But… But I like you a little bit more than a friend, okay? A little,  _ tiny _ , more than that, got it?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “But-!” Frustrated, you stomped your foot on the ground. “Why don’t you understand?” _

_ Kinoe shrugged and you had the sinking feeling he would like to feel the same frustration like you did but simply  _ couldn’t _. Because he never experienced the same situation before, because he never felt frustrated with someone else before, because something was definitely wrong in his situation. Your childish mind couldn’t grasp the concept, couldn’t think further than the realization that Kinoe wanted to understand but couldn’t. _

_ “Alright.” Determined, you placed your hands into your hips. “Do you feel a tingle in your stomach whenever I’m around?” _

_ Kinoe nodded slowly. A short leap of your heart nearly choked the next words but you only grinned around the strange feeling. _

_ “When I smile, do you want to capture it and never let it go?” _

_ The boy blushed faintly. “Yeah…” _

_ “Is the forest a little bit brighter when we are together and play?” _

_ “I noticed that…” _

_ “When we held hands, were you nervous?” _

_ “Yes.” A straightforward answer, no hesitation at all. _

_ “Do you not want me to go at the end of the day? Do you want to stay the night together, just lying in the grass and staring into the sky, counting stars and fireflies?” _

_ Eager nodding. Kinoe’s eyes were full of eager happiness, a total change to the earlier emptiness and hollow daze. The smile he threw at you managed to lighten your own face and soon, both of you grinned at each other, wide, without any shame and showing all of your small teeth. _

_ “That’s how it is to like someone more than a friend,” you said, “And that’s how I feel about you.” _

_ “Then,” the brunet answered, his small features in a small frown, “I think I feel the same way.” He paused and a shadow fell over him. His black eyes searched yours and the emotions lying inside them made your heart clench and ache. “Can I?” _

_ Instead of answering, you stepped forward and drew your more-than-a-friend into a hug. First, Kinoe seemed to be resisting, his hands already raised to push you off. Desperately, you clenched your eyes shut. For days, you wanted to do this, wanted to be as close as possible to the boy and finally, you did it. Never ever would you let him go without a fight. _

_ Only when you felt how his thin arms circled your shoulders and clung to you like you clung to him, you allowed yourself to smile into Kinoe’s shoulder, while a small blush bloomed on your cheeks. _

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The last push into the worst direction came -as always- entirely unexpected. Tenzo had been gone for a few days again, some important business for the ANBU. He didn’t specify and you didn’t ask, knowing he couldn’t say you any more than the barest hints of information which would be half-baked at best and downright faked at worst.

Seeing Tenzo, with his steady nature and the calm aura around him, you had forgotten how he looked when unfathomable pain seared through his bones. How small and broken the man could look like, how hoarse his voice became through fire and smoke. You had forgotten that but you were about to get a fresh reminder. One which would last for a while.

Late nights in the hospital of Konoha were reserved for emergencies of the various shinobi. Only occasionally, civilians would come in with a highly ridiculous story to tell and reeking of cheap booze, or captured in an embarrassing display how bizarre the sexual habits of some people could be.

This night though, it was again a squad of ANBU appearing right outside of the hospital, in their middle, a stretcher in ash-grey and on that stretcher, you saw the well-known cat mask shaking and thrown from one side to the other.

You were dimly aware of the fact that the clipboard you had held cluttered on the ground. Too numb were your fingers, nearly as numb as your heart while you watched how the doors were being opened and the squad of ghosts entered the hallway. No steps could be heard. Only the pained gasps and moans of the man on the stretcher echoed between the walls, aiming directly at your heart.

A few more meters parted you from the ANBUs before you realized what your job was. Taking care of the wounded, no matter what. But you also weren’t allowed to treat someone you were personally involved with. Emotional instability and the questioning of your own choices would be only a few of the possible consequences, not to talk about losing your job in the only place where you could work in Konoha.

You had to give the reign to someone else, someone who had no idea who the man “Tenzo” was.

“Here.” Your eyes never left Tenzo, how he convulsed like a fish in the dirt on the stretcher. His arms were strapped to the cold surface with chakra binders, apparently even his comrades had problems to contain the man in his state. Absent-mindedly, you bend down and picked up the clipboard before giving it over to Chie. “I can’t.”

Your friend raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“I’m too close.”

Even for your own ears you sounded far too broken and desperate. Now both of Chie’s eyebrows wandered higher, nearly mixing with her hair as they did so. “I’m explaining it later,” you added and watched how the stretcher was passing by, “Just… Can you tell me afterwards what’s going on?”

Chie looked you over for a few more moments. Somehow, your friend must’ve caught on  _ something _ , because she nodded only without making one of her snarky comments about your behavior and trailed after the ANBU, her voice rising and lowering as she went through the standardized protocol.

You didn’t dare to run after them, even when the squad and the new patient vanished behind swinging doors. Slowly and giving in to your jelly-knees, you sunk to the floor. Your hands were clasped together in front of your chest and praying to the gods of stealth and war that Tenzo would pull through.

_ He has to. He absolutely has to. I wouldn’t know what to do if Tenzo… _

_ No, don’t think like that. He can do it. He WILL do it. _

_ …Will he…? _

_ He will. _

_ Look after him. Care for him. Stay with him. _

_ I can’t. _

Pain like you had never know before rolled through your chest. Knowing what you wanted to do but not being able to follow your heart and just do it… You had never known that feeling. Now you knew it and it hurt. Hurt too much to think too closely about it.

You drew a shuddering breath in, held it until your lung hurt too and breathed out, feeling the cool air rushing out of your mouth. You wanted,  _ no _ , needed to see how Tenzo was feeling. You wanted to soothe his pain, wanted to stay by his side while he was suffering, wanted to help him through the worst waves with your knowledge and skills. You wanted to be close to him, as close as humanly possible.

But you weren’t allowed to. It was forbidden, your friendship or whatever this had grown into was frowned upon and at worst forbidden. An ANBU and a civilian. How laughable. You had not even the faintest idea how his life was like, with death and torture waiting behind every corner and Tenzo had no idea how your life was like, the only disturbances of your peace the normal problems of a normal life.

But that was wrong, you scolded yourself while the first tears burned in your eyes. You knew how much pressure was on Tenzo in every mission. That much he was allowed to tell, in the darkness of your apartment and his head resting on the armrest of your couch. And he knew about all the simple-minded problems of a civilian life, you made sure to tell him while you cooked for you both for a change.

Another tear slithered down your cheek and was soaked up by the fabric of your pants, before you determinedly wiped them off. There was no use in crying. There was a time and place for crying, though that was not here and certainly not now.

You wanted to stay by Tenzo’s side. Fuck the other ANBUs, fuck the nurses who would gossip. You didn’t care. The only thing what mattered was his health and how the other nurses planned to treat him.

To find the way to Tenzo’s room wasn’t that hard. You just had to follow the trail of slightly shaken night nurses and patients who stepped out of their rooms in search for a toilet at the wrong time. To people who weren’t used to the sight of the usual hidden shinobi, the grey and black uniforms must be terrifying.

You smiled thinly. They must be just as terrified as you had been all those years.

In the unofficial hallway reserved for the masked shinobi, you went completely still for a moment. There, some mumbles from the third door to the right. No other ANBU had been in need of medical assistance the last days, so it had to be Tenzo and the nurses who watched over him.

Beside the door to the room, you leaned against the wall. You had nothing to do at the moment, all the regular patients were visited and cared for and another round around the premises and stations was only necessary in another hour. With crossed arms, you closed your eyes for a second and resigned yourself to a long wait.

Voices floated into your mind, mixing with the initial worry for the man who sneakily invaded your heart.

_ “He’s instable, pulse is skyrocketing-!” _

_ “Toxin must be pretty strong-!” _

_ “Get me a medic ninja! Get the Hokage or one of her apprentices-!” _

Tsunade-sama, Shizune-sama or Sakura-sama. The holy trinity of the hospital. You flinched and both horror and hope started to rise. Hope because the three women were literally and without a doubt the best healers in the whole fire country, maybe even of all five shinobi nations. Working with them was always a pleasure, if now Shizune’s appreciation for the work of every nurse, Sakura’s fierce and yet level-headed thinking or Tsunade’s sheer knowledge about sicknesses, diseases and wounds and her skill to treat them.

Horror because… When they were  _ needed _ , the patient must be on the threshold to death. Tenzo was  _ so close _ to dying, the other nurses and Chie believed only one of these three miracle workers could help him.

Still with closed eyes, you crouched down, slung your arms around your knees and started to pray. Pray for whatever deity was responsible for the lives of reckless shinobi, who dared to secretly woe a formerly scared woman without even realizing it. Tenzo had to live. Tenzo had to live and return, he had to walk around and laugh and smile, to bake and cook, to talk and sleep like any other human being, in your flat, in your bed…

A silent scream howled full of rage and despair in your throat. Tenzo shouldn’t die, he had so many things to do, you had to tell him you loved him-!

_ I love him. _

It wasn’t only physical attraction which let your heart speed up whenever you caught only a glimpse of Tenzo’s mask or form. It wasn’t only mild interest letting the blood rush in your ears and reddening your cheeks whenever the male brushed accidently your hands or knees. It was all that and so much more.

Love.

A bitter laugh rose, stifled the panic and anxiety, intermingled with them. You, the scaredy-cat and distrusting every ninja on your path, fell for one of the deadliest ones, the elite of the elite. Deeply and without any chance to recover from the fall. And honestly? You didn’t want to recover.

Steps closed in, hurried and telling of more than one person. You looked up, knowing your eyes were suspiciously glazed over and the hard tug around your mouth indicated more than tiredness. But you lost the will to care nor to hide your feelings behind another mask from Shizune-sama and Sakura-sama, who jogged towards Tenzo’s room.

“Status of the patient?” the raven-haired female asked, her black eyes trained on your face. In the same moment the words left her mouth, Shizune-sama apparently realized you weren’t a responsible nurse, sitting outside of the room like a disgruntled child.

Sakura-sama wasn’t that quick to realize. Her pink hair was bound into a short ponytail, some of the tresses standing up in crazy tufts like somebody woke her up from a much-needed nap. Her sea-green eyes searched yours, still rapidly blinking the sleep out of them and her mouth already parted to ask again but then she seemed to notice the bleary sadness in your face.

“Go in without me,” the young girl said with her always patient voice, “I’m coming too in a few minutes.”

She stopped right in front of your feet, her black ninja sandals were only inches apart from yours. You should feel frightened or honored at the closeness to such a great healer, but the only thing you felt was the dull realization that the voices in Tenzo’s room had quietened down the second Shizune-sama had entered.

“Hey.” Sakura-sama said. “What’s your name?”

Tiredly, you dragged a palm over your face. “Nurse (L/N).”

“Nurse (L/N)… You prepared some patients for me, right?”

“Only occasionally, Sakura-sama.”

The female crouched down to your level. A smile flashed over her juvenile features, still not fully developed but already showing the blossoming beauty of the girl. “Shizune-san spoke also highly of you. You’re very good at what you’re doing.”

“What is the point of this?” you asked brashly. “I have nothing to tell.”

“Then, why are you sitting here?”

A valid question. A question which you anticipated. Nevertheless, the defiant answer you already formed on your tongue died like the last bits of the night died in the face of the rising sun when you looked into Sakura-sama’s honest eyes. “I would be a hindrance if I were inside.” you finally croaked.

“And why is that?” she asked.

“Personal relation to the patient.”

The breath the female released was coated in heavy realization. “Oh.”

A dry chuckle broke free. “Yes,” you mumbled and shook your head, “ _ Oh,  _ indeed.”

For some long minutes, no one said anything. As you dared to look again at the mighty shinobi in front of you, you caught her gnawing at her lower lip, just like a question swirled around in her mind she didn’t dare utter out loud in the fear of being outright rejected.

Sakura-sama stared into the air, her thoughts so far gone in some hidden past you had no idea about. Suddenly, the green of her eyes brightened again and before you could avoid it, you locked eyes with her.

“It will be alright,” she said with a gentle smile, “We will fix it. Don’t worry.”

“Sakura-sama…”

“Yes?”

You shook your head at her naivety. “You might be an exceptional and respected healer, but you still have so much to learn.”

The girl cocked her head. A few of her pink strands fell into her wide forehead and absent-mindedly she reached up to wipe them away. “What?”

You breathed in, sharp and hasty. “Don’t promise anything. So much can go wrong, so many complications can cross your way. If you make a promise and if you fail afterwards, the relatives and friends will react more violent and wilder. Because you destroyed their hopes of recovery.”

Sakura-sama blinked, one time, two times. Then, she nodded, slow and determined. “I understand. Thank you, Nurse (L/N). But you have to understand too.”

“What?”

The girl balled her hand into a fist and the thin leather groaned at the curl of her fingers. “My teacher accepts no failure. And I am of the same kind.”

(…)

You were still on duty, therefore, you had to leave your position right beside Tenzo’s door sometime to take a walk around the hospital to check on your patients. You worked as meticulous as always, even though your thoughts were always on the hallway, still slouched against the wall and still curled up like a child in search for comfort and unable to get it. After your checks were done, you returned to your spot, sat down on the ground and closed your eyes, trying to calm down and catch some sleep. You didn’t care about the tingle in your legs when you sat too long in one position. You didn’t care about the ache in your spine and lower back. You spared no thought to eating and drinking.

You just waited. Anxiously, nervously, absolutely terrified of long faces and the final shake of a head. But you waited.

You were halfway asleep when Sakura-sama stepped out of the room, deep bags under her eyes and her pink hair loose from the pony tail. Instantly, you scrambled to your feet, staggering the tiniest bit only to find your balance again.

“And?” you asked. “Will he be… Will he be fine?”

The weight of the world seemed to fall off your shoulders as both Sakura-sama and Shizune-sama nodded. “But he needs rest,” the black-haired assistant of the Hokage said, “A lot of rest. And do you possibly know a (Y/N)-san?”

Blood rushed into your face. “Yes. That would be me.”

You knew both women understood what was going on here, just because of their womanly instincts. Sakura-sama giggled, one hand raised to cover her mouth. “He asked for you.”

“A lot.” Shizune-sama added, then yawned. “Well, I’m going to write a report about this. And I think, a visit of the night nurse in… let’s say, two hours is the best. Just to check on him.”

They gave you a chance. An open window to talk and set things right, even though they only thought about a stolen kiss or two. Nevertheless, a smile flashed over your face, mixing with the exhaustion of a stressful night. “Thank you very much.”

Giggling to themselves, they both vanished. You could feel their glances in your back though, thrown over their shoulders and hasty to not be discovered. You didn’t care. Only the door parted you from Tenzo and your heart wanted you to burst right through it, proclaiming your love loudly and for the world to hear but you restrained yourself.

Instead of jumping on the chance, you calmly opened the door, walking inside on your tiptoes. Instantly, your eyes fell onto the white linen of the bed and the man nearly drowning in all the white. Tenzo had still his mask on, the chestnut-brown hair a stark contrast against all the total lack of color. His shoulders peeked out from underneath the blanket, which was tucked to his chest. His naked chest, if you interpreted the bare collar bones, neck and chin right. Both of his arms laid bare on top of the blanket, one of them was hooked up on an IV. Clear liquid dribbled slowly through the thin connection, steady and probably infused with some of his own chakra, to make the impact on his system as small as possible.

The cat mask turned to you as you closed the door. “(Y/N)…”

You tried to smile but your mouth just didn’t want to comply to your wishes. “Hey. I heard you asked for me.”

“More like I moaned your name over and over.” Tenzo made attempts of sitting up, his elbows buckling under the weight of his own body as he tried. Quickly, you walked over and settled a single hand on his sweat-slicked skin. “No. Don’t. Just lie down, rest for a while.”

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

“If pathetic means “will do everything in his power to protect his village”, then yes, you are indeed the most pathetic human being I’ve ever seen.” To your relief, Tenzo gave up in trying to sit up. He lowered himself back into the cushions, slowly and steadily. With jitterish fingers, you rearranged the blanket until it fully covered his chest again.

A hoarse chuckle echoed from underneath the mask, hollow and still vibrating in your soul. “Then, that’s settled. I’m pathetic.”

“Not as pathetic as I am.”

The words were already completely swallowed by the air as you realized that you had actually said them instead of only thinking them in the security of your own mind. The blush rising to your face spoke for itself and the black, bottomless holes of the ANBU mask stared at the reddened cheeks with the same intensity you imagined when he spotted an enemy.

“Why?” Tenzo asked. “Why do you think so?”

“This isn’t about me right now,” you tried to escape the topic, “It’s about you. What happened?”

“Ambush of an enemy with poison. Nothing too serious. Why you think you’re pathetic?”

No easy way out here. The realization sunk in, heavy like bricks dragging you into the icy cold of the unknown. Without a word, you sunk onto the chair at the bedside. Tenzo turned his head, his hidden eyes still trained on your face as he did so.

“I…” You fell silent again. Suddenly, the nervousness choked you, all of the warm, tingling feelings flying up into your throat and blocking the air. Your mouth hung open, uselessly trying to form actual words as you mumbled senseless syllables. “I…”

Tenzo watched intensely, how you fought with yourself, battled your insecurity and nervousness, the suddenly resurfacing fear of ANBUs, the anxiety of a love confession he probably wasn’t aware of, the sheer paranoia of believing Kiyoshi breaking in the next seconds through the door, proclaiming you were his girlfriend and no masked man had a right to claim  _ you _ in any way. Too much and too little, too little words coming out and too many things left unsaid.

“I…” you started yet again, “I probably… No, not probably… Tenzo, listen. I-I know you have your secrets and I respect that. Totally! I mean, I have my secrets too like everybody has and, in your case, they’re just a little bit more dangerous than mine. I don’t want to say I feel threatened by them, far from that. The truth is, I don’t think too much about anything secretive while you’re with me. Not… Not at all.”

This was worse than not saying anything. Like an out-of-body-experience you watched how your mouth ran without a pause, revealing far more than you anticipated. “You are a very good friend, if I might say so. When you come over, you always do something for me, if now cooking, talking with me or just simply being there in my empty flat. And, and I didn’t even start talking about how you make me feel, especially now when I’m not even the tiniest bit scared of you.” A smile crossed your features, while you had no idea how Tenzo was reacting underneath the mask of his. But you saw the blush creeping up into his ears and neck, so, he must be blushing fiercely right now, right?

“What I want to say,” you continued, shyer than ever, “that I came to like you, Tenzo. No-not as a friend! It’s… actually-!”

“A little bit more than that.”

A bell was ringing inside your head at the careful, weak sentence. Another bell than the usual warning, no, like something was gone from your mind desperately tried to retrieve it from the sea of lost memories. You forgot something; something important for this moment.

“No,” you said and shoved the wary feeling aside. “A lot more than that. I like you a lot more than a friend should like a friend.”

Not only because Tenzo did so much for you. You liked him for what he was, for what he was on  _ the inside _ . For his natural calmness, for the habits the man developed over the years, the small and insignificant gestures others would ignore but jumped into your face every time. For Tenzo’s warmth he emitted every step along the way, for everything which made the man behind the mask you learned to love over the last weeks.

And it didn’t hurt that you thought his physique was rather easy on the eye.

For long minutes, the silence in the hospital room was thick enough to slice. Instead of being brave, you stared blankly at the white of the bed linen, noticing how Tenzo moved underneath the blanket. His feet shuffled over the mattress as he turned on his side, the invisible eyes trained on your face.

“(Y/N),” he said, “look at me.”

You glanced at his mask, before the blanket was again more interesting than the eternal cat-grin.

A warm chuckle. “No. Longer than that.” His voice was once more destroyed by screaming, ash and smoke. Hoarse beyond recognition but you knew the intense undertone by heart. More than once Tenzo had talked to you with that voice, right from the rocky beginning, when you were scared shitless and like a nervous horse, ready to bolt and scream any second to the end, when he told you secrets about himself no other person knew. The calming effect didn’t miss its purpose now.

With a deep, long breath in, you forced yourself to properly look at Tenzo, who chuckled again hoarsely when he noticed how your teeth clamped down on your bottom lip. “Will you give me a hand?” he asked.

You nodded slowly. And just as slow, you watched how your hand landed right in his open one. When your fingertips slid over the softer skin at Tenzo’s wrist, you felt for a second his pulse beating rapidly, before you pressed your palm to his. It felt right to sluggishly allow your fingers to entwine, a soft gliding from searching and seeking hands against and into each other. Warmth, more warmth than you ever imagined rose into your cheeks as you felt the tentative squeeze coming from Tenzo. You squeezed back, still staring into the black holes of the ANBU mask.

When Tenzo spoke up, you flinched slightly, too caught up in the intimate, silent moment. But you didn’t let go of his hand, under all circumstances, you wouldn’t. “Don’t be scared. Not of me. I… I couldn’t stand it.”

“I’m not. I don’t think I could be.”

“Good.” The rash intake of air echoed in the room. “Remember that, okay? For me.”

“Alright.”

“Good.” Tenzo repeated. Lying on his side, the man still looked smaller than usual. Sunken in and exhausted by the extraction of the poison. Everything you wanted to do was climbing into the bed and carefully hug him until Tenzo could fall asleep. This strange desire was unknown for you. Not even Kiyoshi had awoken such protective yet soft feelings in your heart.

You heard him again breath deeply in, like he had to steel himself. “I also like you a lot more than I probably should. As you may realize, relationships with ANBUs can be… nerve-wrecking. I just want to know if  _ you _ know what you would have to face if we’re…”

Tenzo trailed off and the silence spoke louder than any words he could’ve uttered to specify your delicate situation.

“Wounds, diseases, long absences. Sleepless nights, a lot of confidential, super-secret ninja-business.” You laughed weakly at your own joke.

Tenzo didn’t. “You forget the nightmares. I’m always on duty, always ready to be called to serve the Hokage. There are things I can never tell you because of the state of the missions. And personally, I don’t want to burden you with some things I have done.”

Gently, you squeezed his warm hand. “You don’t have to. I’m not asking for gory details here. I’m not asking for anything from you. Just your presence. Your words, no matter what you say. Your cooking, definitely. If I don’t have your cookies at least twice a week, I swear, I will go on a killing spree.”

No answer. His jaw worked underneath the mask as Tenzo turned his head away but he didn’t release the tight yet tender hold around your hand. Instead, you felt how the man even tried to entangle your fingers more, his thumb softly stroking over the back of your hand in a soothing rhythm.

“Tenzo,” you said, “I’m in love with you. And nothing will change that. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, I… I get that. It must be similar to my situation at the very start, before you wormed your way into my heart. Whatever is… whatever may trouble you, try and talk to me. If it’s classified and secret and all that fuzz,” you smiled helplessly, “then don’t. I want you, Tenzo, no other man. I want  _ you _ , the ANBU, the man, the one underneath all this stuff. Like you have seen the woman in me underneath all the fear and panic and prejudices against your kind.”

There, you said it. The clear words still tingled on your tongue as you closed your mouth and Tenzo again stared at you, the mask turning slowly on the pillow and leaving dirty smudges of earth and ash on the white linen. Just like the first time, you remembered, when you two met; But in comparison, back then, you had been nearly paralyzed by the horror of facing a dangerous ANBU. Now, you couldn’t feel scared even if you wanted to. Now, there was only the warmth and worry for someone you loved. It was a fresh sapling, not even blossomed fully but it was a start and you were determined to nourish the sapling until it could grow into a beautiful, strong tree.

“I want you, like you -hopefully! - want me. With all your baggage, with all your little mistakes, with all the things which seem like mountains to you and are in reality just little pebbles for me,” you continued, weaker, softer than before. Driven by an unexplainable instinct, you raised your entangled hands to your lips and pressed a quick peck to his knuckles.

You could taste the blood from the cracks on them, telling about a hard fight, fist to fist and the disinfectant, which surely burned slightly in those tiny wounds.

“I want you,” you repeated. A whisper in a silent room, only disturbed by a sharp intake of air.

Like an instinct, Tenzo’s fingers around yours tightened into a gentle but fierce grip, not made to be broken and not intended to hurt. The motion must hurt, new blood seeped out of the tiny wounds around his knuckles and glistened under the artificial light.

You didn’t realize that tears burned in the corner of your eyes before he reached out with the arm which was hooked up on the IV and tried to touch your cheek, his fingers trembling like dead leaves in the wind.

You leaned forward, eagerly accepting the first caress. His fingers were cold as they fluttered over your cheekbone, drawing the line from your nose up to where your hairline started, still shaking and as careful as possible in his state.

“Don’t misunderstand,” Tenzo rasped, “I want you too, I-I  _ love _ you too. But I would understand if you suddenly think being with an ANBU is unbearable. It’s certainly not easy.”

“We will manage.”

“So, you will watch over me when I sleep another chakra-exhaustion out in your flat?”

“If you continue to clean the outside of my windows…”

“You noticed?”

“Tenzo, I may be a civilian but I’m not completely blind. Even I can see when the glass of my windows is completely free from any stains.”

All the way through the weak banter, Tenzo continued to discover your face with his fingers. They warmed up, shook less the longer the man went on, grew bolder and bolder with each and every stroke over your face. You let him, not scared at all by the still hesitant touch. Even when his index finger rimmed your lips and an almost painful flash of  _ want _ lightened up your whole body, you stayed compliant and still.

Just like you had to grow accustomed to his presence, Tenzo probably had to grow fond of the idea of being liked, no,  _ loved _ like a normal person was.

“It’s like a dream…” His voice showed what his face couldn’t. Just as desperate in his need to be close to you as you, his hand flattened against your face. The warm palm cradled your cheek and you leaned into the hesitant embrace. “…Don’t want to…”

“Me neither.” You looked straight into the black holes of the mask and knew Tenzo was smiling underneath. For sure it was the most beautiful expression in the world, full of wonder and happiness, full of everything he said and the rest he didn’t dare to utter out loud. It was totally Tenzo, who waited and waited, and waited a little longer, just for you to finally realize what you wanted.

Him.

“Sleep.” Your whisper wasn’t loud enough to disturb the intimate bubble around the hospital bed. “Getting the poison out of your system was hard work. Especially for your body. Sleep, Tenzo.”

Both hands, the one entangled with your fingers and the one lying at your cheek, twitched a little. “But…”

“I’ll stay,” you interrupted weakly and pecked the hand in yours once more, “I’ll stay for as long as I’m allowed to.”

Tenzo chuckled warily. “…Two hours… More like one and a half now…”

So, he heard Shizune-sama. “I’ll stay for the rest of my time. Don’t worry. Sleep now. You’re safe. You’re home.”

His hair ruffled over the pillow, leaving more streaks of dirt and ash on the linen. “Yeah…” Sluggishly, the hand on your cheek slid one last time over your cheekbone, then dropped on the bed. A quiet exhale rushing over your entwined limbs, then Tenzo relaxed noticeably into the cushions. Nearly melting into the mattress and pillow, the man looked even less mighty than before and even more like an exhausted kitten after a long day of glee and play.

The warm, satisfied glow deep down in your stomach spread through your whole body. Arms, hands, fingers, thighs, calves and toes, everything was warm and the tingly sensation you remembered from so long ago also ran through your system. With a low sigh, you dared to touch the porcelain of the once threatening ANBU mask, mirroring Tenzo’s actions with a clarity like you burned them into your brain.

Well, you did.

“My ANBU…” you whispered to not disturb Tenzo’s much needed sleep, “My gentle ANBU.” All the while your fingers danced over the sterilized whiskers and markings, treating them as a part of his features, not as another obstacle between you and him. The mask was a part of Tenzo like your past was a part of yourself. You couldn’t ask him to give the mask up, you knew that.

Besides, the man made sure to not ask for your reasons for hating ANBUs with such a passion. He accepted the fear, accepted the panic and rejection coming along with it, especially at the start. Calmly and full of unending patience, Tenzo made sure to show his intentions without any outward pressure. Like that, you would make sure to support him with his work, which could be ugly and rearing its violent head anytime for sure.

One last time, you stroked over the warmed-up porcelain mask, drawing lazy circles on the forehead, the bridge of the nose, then you resigned yourself to holding Tenzo’s hand with all the tenderness in your body and enjoy the time you were able to spend with the man.

You watched him sleep, listened to Tenzo when he started to snore and mumble faintly in his deeply needed sleep, felt how he unconsciously edged closer to the rim of the bed and closer to you.

Sometime, the door opened silently. You kept your eyes trained on the man cuddled into the cushions, while steps closed the distance between the bed and the entrance.

“Shizune-sama said I should get you out of here after two hours,” Chie mumbled and placed a hand on your shoulder, “And I have to say, I’m a little bit disappointed to find you still in your clothes.”

You nodded. “I know. Thanks.”

“Aaah, no problem at all.”

Thankfully, Tenzo didn’t seem to wake up at all when you and Chie made your way out of the room. One last longing look back, then the door shut close and you were alone on the hallway with Chie and her more than curious expression.

The brunette nearly exploded due to her excitement. “Do I have to torture you with never ending rambling or do you tell me what that nice, cosy situation was inside  _ there _ ?” She pointed over her shoulder at the room in which Tenzo rested.

You couldn’t help yourself. Finally, the smile which threatened to cross your lips bloomed in full force and you squealed, all the while spinning around in a circle. “He loves me! He loves me!”

Chie shook her head but smiled at your crazed antics. “So obvious. The poor man moaned for half an hour your name before Shizune-sama and Sakura-sama started to get the poison out of his system. The only true question here is, why I don’t know anything about this?”

“You know how the hospital is with relationships to patients,” you answered, still giggling like a little schoolgirl, “And considering he’s an ANBU who was previously under my care… Well, I figured keeping it a secret would be for the best.”

“Good thinking, not gonna lie. Okay, we’re getting a coffee now and you tell me everything about your little secret, while I fawn and coo over all the sweetness.” With a nonchalance which betrayed her excitement, Chie grabbed your lower arm and pulled you into the direction of the station office, already showering you in questions you answered in a hushed voice, which did nothing to conceal the still noticeable blush on your face or the telltale sparkle in your eyes.

(…)

“And he really cooks for you?”

“Yes! I tell you! And the cookies, I swear! A present from heaven!”

“And he killed your coffee machine? With a kunai?”

“Yes! I haven’t gotten around buying a new one yet. On the other side,” you sighed dreamily, “Tenzo bought me coffee when he knew I have an early shift.”

The squeal which escaped Chie was loud enough to rattle the nerves of a napping colleague. With a grump, the man threw an aspirated glare at the two of you, how you sat at a small table and whispered among each other, only to grab his pillow and a thin blanket and stomped outside.

One look into Chie’s gleeful eyes and you broke into a loud giggle, joined quickly by your friend. The bubbly feeling in your stomach, similar to the feeling when one drank too much champagne, made its way out into the world, not made to be suppressed and you not willing to cage it any longer.

Tenzo loved you. You loved Tenzo. He was fine. Everything would be good.

“I’m so happy for you.” Chie said, with tears in her eyes when the laughing fit had only a small hiccup distorting her words. “I mean, I saw something was different about you over the last weeks but I never thought it would be something so juicy! What a revelation, especially when I consider how scared you were of shinobi and ANBUs specifically!”

Lost in your memories, you played with the handle of the emptied porcelain mug. The sign of the Konoha hospital blinked faintly under the hard, artificial light in the resting room. “He did a lot for me. I told you, all the things I did to him just because I was scared… All my prejudices, all my useless fears and he didn’t care about them. He was there for me, Chie. Was patient and gentle and understanding like second to none. He’s…” Again, a deep and happy sigh dropped from your lips as you closed your eyes. “He’s perfect.”

“Oh my.” Chie said. “Reminds me of my hubby and me. You know how he and I met?”

“No. You never told me.”

Chie smiled. A soft, loving smile, her eyes already glazing over in the memories of one of her favorite days. “Eight years ago, I went grocery shopping on the market. I was in sweatpants, an old sweatshirt and a ripped hoodie, you know, the one with the paint on it.  My hair was greasy and no makeup. I was literally a corpse. Still, as soon as I start to wager with the seller over a bundle of carrots, I hear the loudest voice booming right behind me.”

The brunette absent-mindedly tucked a strand of her hair behind her ears, the high bun on the back of her head secured with two black chopsticks. Incarnate gold signs were sprawled all over them, glimmering slightly in the light of the lamp. “That was my husband. He can’t whisper, not for his life. Anyway, he starts rambling about he has set his eyes on the “most youthful and beautiful fairy he ever had the honor to see” and how he will woo her with freshly plucked flowers, favors and whatever she wants, if she allows him to. I ignored it, you know me. Dead until I have some coffee. Well, someone gently takes the bundle of carrots out of my hands, exclaims he will buy it for me and if I have a moment to spare for a very important question.”

“Your husband?” you asked weakly.

Chie nodded. “My hubby. Big, strong guy in a bright green jumpsuit. The biggest eyebrows I’ve ever seen and the brightest smile you will ever see. He introduced himself as Gai and asked if he was allowed to pay for the carrots and that I’m the most youthful woman he ever set his eyes on. I, flabbergasted as I am, say yes. The next thing I know is this big guy on his knees in front of me, holding out the carrots like an expensive bouquet and he proclaims his desire to woo me in front of everyone, not holding back one bit and the plead to say yes standing so clearly on his face that I couldn’t deny him.”

One look at your work-friend and you could see how much in love she was still, after eight, whole years. Chie played with the golden ring on her left ring finger, the soft hue of love surrounding her and embracing you like a warm blanket. It was impossible to not see what that “Gai” had seen that day, the same natural calmness and tender care Chie harbored for every patient she encountered.

“Why are you never speaking about him?” you asked after a few minutes.

She had the courage to shrug. “I thought it was obvious. He’s a shinobi and I’ve seen how you treat them and their partners. You’re not mean to them but you shy away more often than not, like the husbands and wives of shinobi have an infectious disease or something. I thought it would put a strain on our relationship, knowing I’m married to a shinobi, a jonin on top of that.”

_ Oh. _

Your high from cloud nine was driven into the background. All those years, Chie didn’t boast about her -without a doubt- deeply caring and loving husband, only because you were such a scared bitch where you unconsciously avoided all the other people in the hospital which were tightly entangled with the shinobi community, in total indifference to you.

While you were wrestling with your ashamed realization, Chie reached out and took your hands into hers. “The point is,” she said and drew your attention with those three little words, “I’m really glad you overcame that fear. It was certainly not easy feat and I’m happy someone took the chance to see what’s behind those irrational walls you pulled up to protect yourself.”

She squeezed your hand and after a split second, you answered with a just as quick pressure to her fingers.

“Me too.”

Eight years. One more than you spent with Kiyoshi. Yes, one could argue Chie and Gai were married and put more effort into their relationship but somehow you doubted that. Alone the dreamy expression on Chie’s face when she continued to talk softly about her husband in a low, hushed tone told about the enormous efforts and work the woman alone put into their marriage and when you went after her little introduction, Gai wasn’t far behind her in the effort-department.

Because they loved each other dearly. And somewhere along your own seven years, you and Kiyoshi… fell out of love.

You had no idea to what extent your face portrayed the enormous realization which dwelled inside your mind all along since a few weeks. Apparently, enough for Chie to notice something.

“You see it now?” she asked, the concern and sympathy lacing every word. “You see what I could see?”

Slowly and still slightly shocked, you nodded. Yes, you liked Kiyoshi still, he was a good friend and a more than acceptable roommate. But somewhere, somehow your love for him cooled to a friendly level, leaving the earlier flames and sparkles in the dust and to die out in the past. You and Kiyoshi… Your relationship didn’t exist anymore. Only in your head you had clawed into the social construct with all your might, scared of the change and the black hole after the end of a long, ongoing relationship. But with the new sparks with Tenzo, the fireworks and fireflies, tingly and warm and everything so much more than ever with Kiyoshi, you couldn’t leave the matter at hand like nothing happened.

You had to end it with Kiyoshi. You had to pack your things and move out, find another place and settle things as what they were. You cheated on him. Not physically, not in the classical way, but emotionally, you went all the way, fell for another man and fully knowing what was about to happen. Not one bit you tried to fight the falling for Tenzo, instead you encouraged it, nurtured the growing feelings and watched them bloom into what they were now.

“I have to break up with Kiyoshi,” you mumbled and stared a little bit helplessly at Chie. Your friend nodded and squeezed your hand again.

“Yes honey. You have to. It’s only fair for both of you to get clear.”

“And I have to tell Tenzo.”

“…What?”

“I mean,” you rubbed your knuckles over your burning eyes, “I-I haven’t told him yet. That I’m in a relationship. He was in my and Kiyoshi’s flat, so, I figured he already knows, you know? I never hid anything from him, not willingly.”

_ Except for the thing which would explain why you hate ANBU so much. _

Chie opened her mouth for a certainly hard and absolutely well-deserved speech but you cut her off, already knowing what she was about to say. “I know,  _ I know _ . I will tell him the next time he’s not in the hospital and we see each other. I owe Tenzo at least that much.”

The brunette leaned back, the wrinkle between her eyebrows deeper than the famous Valley of the End. “You better do that,” she said, before a deep sigh left her mouth and a new, soft smile flashed over her features, “And now you tell me more about the cute things this Tenzo did for you. I’m starving for some cuteness. Gai is on a mission, you know?”

“Sure.” You smiled warily back, your head already spinning around plans how to break the uncomfortable truth to Tenzo and Kiyoshi. “If you tell me more about your husband?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the mighty Kudos to the holy Chisie. Thank you so much, you're the best for proofreading! \\(^-^)/
> 
> And a little word: Yes, I know the MC is basically already cheating. It is mentioned in the chapter, she's aware of it. Before anyone is enraged beyond salvation, it will be cleared up. I will explain myself further with the next chapter because it belongs more to the theme of that one than here.   
> Have a nice day, nevertheless! :D


	7. Confessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day has come to speak the truth. You have something important to tell Tenzo, not knowing he has also a secret burning holes into his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was proofread by the wonderful and amazing Chisie! :3

_ For a reason you didn’t understand, an itch in the back of your head and a bell obnoxiously ringing greeted you when you entered your clearing for the first time after your punishment ended. The grass underneath your naked feet was cold and prickly as you stepped forward, thinking about every step you took with the knowledge you were watched. Then, you spotted Kinoe in the distance, standing in the middle of the clearing with his back turned towards you. His face was downcast, shadows dancing over his face and the small hands which hung by his sides were clenched into tight, small fists. _

_ “Hey!” Waving, you ran towards him, ignoring the sinking feeling in your stomach. “Hey, Kinoe!” _

_ He didn’t turn around. _

_ The foul feeling in your guts sunk deeper and you bit your lower lip, trying to control the sudden urge to run away and never throw a look back. Even though Kinoe was here, even though the warm, tingly sensation surged through your whole body, the warning, chiming bell still rang in your head, loud and obnoxious. _

_ Something was entirely wrong here. _

_ “…Kinoe…?” Even for you, your own voice was too high and sounded far too panicked. You just knew something was wrong here, including the position Kinoe was in, still turned away and his small fists trembling faintly by his sides. _

_ Again, you reached out for the boy, your friend, your own fingers showing how much your gut feeling affected you internally. “Kinoe? We-we should go. I don’t like it here. Come on, we can play-!” _

_ “No.” _

_ The voice of an old man echoed over the clearing, hoarse and cracking. Still, the sound alone let your hand twitch backwards and flinch around, looking out for the danger you sensed like a small animal sensing the presence of a bigger predator. _

_ It was indeed an old man, at least you thought so. White bandages were wrapped over one half of his face, hiding the surely damaged eye socket from the rest of the world. He carried his right arm in the black kimono, the forearm also wrapped in bandages and the hollow sound of his walking stick meeting a root of a nearby tree echoed through the forest. On his chin was a scar, a cross, marking the spot where he was once hurt but not even that small sign of his humanity made you feel better. _

_ The eyes. His eyes, brown and small, blocked every approach. Lifeless, emotionless, they scanned you from head to toe until you felt like an insect in one of the glass boxes one of your friends liked to show around. _

_ A cold shiver rained down your back at his sight. Panicked, you glanced over your shoulder and tried to catch Kinoe’s eyes, tried to ask him what was happening here but the boy didn’t stand any longer in your back. No, when you looked again at the old man, you found Kinoe already kneeling in front of him. Only three meters at most parted the two of you but it felt like a whole world of distance. _

_ The lifeless eyes of the old man hushed over the clearing, took the atmosphere in, the dark clouds in the distance and thunder rolling over the sky, only to return to you. “You’re (Y/N) (L/N).” _

_ Not a question. A statement, plain and scary in the absolute monotone tone the man used. _

_ Still, you nodded, trembling in your short pants and the t-shirt you wore, prepared for a fun day with your best friend Kinoe, who just got to learn what it meant to like somebody more than friend. Again, you tried to catch his eye. But the boy wasn’t even looking at you, instead, he continued to kneel in front of the man, who stepped casually around your friend. The walking stick met earth, the rich sound hitting your ears with the clarity of a scythe your father used to cut down the grass in your garden. _

_ “Your parents. They work for Konohagakure as rangers. Eight years of active duty in our services.” _

_ Again, you nodded. It was right what the man said but it was horrifying to listen to him. _

_ “You’re meeting Kinoe now for three months and two weeks. Is that correct?” _

_ Before you could nod a third time, your friend answered. “That is correct, Danzo-sama.” _

_ Before you could even blink in shock, “Danzo-sama” continued, his slow, calculated steps circling around your position. “And you say this civilian is your friend?” _

_ “Yes, Danzo-sama.” _

_ “But you also said you feel something for her. Something you can’t really explain.” _

_ “…Yes, Danzo-sama.” _

_ “Would you say she’s a danger to your tasks?” _

_ Kinoe perked upwards and fidgeted on his spot in the grass. “No, Danzo-sama. (Y/N) is not a danger.” _

_ “But she’s apparently clouding your thoughts. You missed several training regimens. Your wood-release suffered.” _

_ “In battle, yes. But if I use it for other purposes, for example to create binds for criminals or to build constructions-!” _

_ Danzo stopped in your back. You didn’t dare to move one inch, frozen in your place from the fear coiling in your stomach. This situation was beyond your control and for the first time in your life, you experienced the absolute horror of not being able to do anything to save yourself. You wanted to say something, you wanted to run away, you wanted to scream and shout, you wanted to pull Kinoe out of his kneel and into the forest, running, fleeing, flying away from this creepy man. But you couldn’t. _

_ The menacing steps continued and the hollow sound of the walking stick sinking into the earth accompanied the slow and precise words. “You’re a part of Root. You’re not a construction worker. You’re a shinobi, trained to be a valuable asset in the hands of our village. Your purpose is certainly not to play around and build houses. I selected you because of your skills, to work for the greater good.” _

_ Kinoe’s black eyes were full of pain and shame when they met finally yours. A blink, nothing else, then he looked again at his master, his childish voice thin and faintly trembling. “Danzo-sama, (Y/N) is not a danger to the goals of Root. She’s a friend-!” _

_ “And that is where the problem lies.” A swivel of robes and Danzo stood right in front of you. Your breath hitched, wanted to escape with a scream but you swallowed the despaired sound in your chest. “A friend is a connection. And what did I tell you about connections?” _

_ “Connections are dangerous for our course. They get in the way and block a true shinobi from unlocking his true potential.” _

_ That was the first time you ever heard Kinoe’s voice sound so… utterly bare of every emotion. It was like his voice had detached from his memories, blank of every feeling he harbored for you, for the forest, for the world around him. His motionless voice sent new shivers down your spine and for the first time since your unlucky first meeting, you were  _ scared _ of Kinoe. Of what he could do, what he was capable of. He was a shinobi, the superior speed and strength in his veins made to hunt down other superior people and you… Were weak and slow, a pebble in his way. _

_ Danzo nodded, obviously satisfied with the answer. “Correct. And this girl is a connection. A hindrance on your road to become a good shinobi.” Abruptly, the man turned away. But the telltale sound of metal slicing through the air and thudding into the ground couldn’t be missed, even by your weak ears. As Danzo stepped aside, you could see the last trembles of a sharp kunai embedded in front of Kinoe, who stared with wide eyes at the weapon. _

_ “Kill her,” Danzo ordered and came to a stop in the shadow of a nearby tree, “Cut the connection. Afterwards, I will forgive you this misstep.” _

_ The promise not to forget laid in every syllable. _

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You glanced at the clock hanging above the door to the entrance area. Only ten more minutes, then Tenzo had promised to come to your flat. For the untempt time, you started to nibble at the nails of your fingers. Until now, the index, ring and middle finger of your left hand had suffered from the rough treatment. Now the small finger was next as you bit almost with angry force into the bed of the nail, feeling the pain and release of the small motion.

Today was the day. Today, Tenzo got discharged from his encounter with poison and today would be the day you would spill everything to him. Three days after you two confessed each other how much you liked the proximity of the other. Three whole days of shame and happiness mixing in your heart, three whole days of torturing yourself and trying to find the right words. Three whole days of growing panic and “what if’s”, of bad dreams circling around a kunai pressed to your neck and once warm eyes, growing dull and dead.

To say your state was mediocre would’ve been an overstatement. Dark bags rimmed your eyes, only barely hidden underneath a thin layer of concealer and your fingernails had also seen better days. Every time a sound louder than your own breathing echoed through the hallway or in the street below the living room window through your flat, you flinched, either awaiting Kiyoshi -who was due in five or four days- or even worse, Tenzo. The mask on his face, at least hiding the hopeful expression on his face.

But when you would tell him what you had done, what you committed and what you hid from him, he would totally back away. Unwillingly, you made him a man who was willing to tarnish a relationship. Who wouldn’t be angry over that?

And still, you had hidden your nervousness from the ANBU whenever you visited him. Smiled and nodded when Tenzo mumbled faintly underneath the mask, about this and that, told him about your day and your work while holding his warm, big hand and feeling the pulse beat rapidly beneath your fingertips, cared and attached yourself to him in a way you never even dared to dream of.

Kiyoshi’s and your love never felt like that, not even at its best. That… that  _ thing _ between yourself and Tenzo was already bigger than the relationship with the man you lived with. And it didn’t even reach its peak yet. It wasn’t an excuse, not at all. But that was the only argument that you had, the only thing which should matter.

Again, you glanced at the clock. Only two more minutes, then, Tenzo would knock at your window and probably expect the talk you promised.

“Come on.” Nervous fingers combed through your hair, “Don’t be like this. Tenzo is an ANBU, he probably saw Kiyoshi’s things lying around here. Sure, there are no pictures of us but we never had the time… There’s only one bed, okay? I mean, the signs were there, right?”

One minute. Your pep talk had the opposite effect. Instead of calming yourself down, you just had to start nibbling at your fingernails once more, drawing blood with the force you used. The stings and flashes at least helped to gain some focus back. A deep breath in, two shallow breathes out. The air rushed out of your lungs and back in, while you consciously curled and uncurled your fingers. Stretching them like a cat would stretch its claws, bending them until they hurt slightly and forming again a fist until your knuckles hurt.

Everything would be alright. Everything would be alright.  _ Everything would be alright, god dammit woman, everything will be alright, don’t you listen!? _

When the knock finally tore through your fragile concentration, you were nearly relieved that the damn talk was impending on you. Now, it wasn’t in your hands anymore. Just the outcome was, led by the choices you were about to make and the words you were about to speak.

Your fingers shook only the tiniest bit when you reached for the curtains and ripped them apart. And really, there was the cat mask and the belonging muscular body, sitting on your windowsill. A dark, familiar shadow against the bright afternoon-sun.

Before you even realized what was happening, your hands had opened the window, the last hurdle between the uncomfortable confession you had to make, and your feet made space for Tenzo to climb inside your flat.

You watched with bated breath how the man slowly stretched to his full height, the usual ANBU uniform back in its place. Still, you noticed Tenzo carried himself slower and with more care than usually. Maybe the muscles didn’t entirely recover from the attack of the poison or the long rest of three entire days made them ache a little bit.

“Are you feeling alright?” you asked and stepped closer.

Already a breach of the plan you made for yourself. But hearing the man chuckle quietly underneath the mask was worth the risk of totally screwing up and yourself over.

“Yes, I’m alright.” Like a proof, he stretched his arms out and the leather of his armor groaned weakly with his movements. “Shizune-san and Haruno-san know what they’re doing.”

“Good. That’s… good.”

Slowly, Tenzo lowered his arms again. More silence dawned in the room, until you couldn’t take it anymore. This wasn’t the plan, this wasn’t your plan at all!

“Tea?” you asked and ignored the sweat assembling in your palms.

You had the distinct feeling Tenzo wanted to say something in the same moment you had opened your mouth but he only nodded and sat down on the couch, while you weaseled into the kitchen area and turned your back towards him to fumble awkwardly with the water cooker and the porcelain mugs.

_ It feels strange. It feels too strange. I can’t do this! _

_ You’re making this strange. _

Absent-mindedly, you fastened the straps of the tea bags around the handle of the mugs. Was it really you making the atmosphere so tense and uncomfortable? Where was the lightness, the warmth and care from before? Really erased by your own nervousness?

After a confession, it should be easier. Everything should be better than before, the air filled with love and happiness. Instead, you were trembling in your socks as you carried the two mugs over, Tenzo’s beverage already prepared to his liking.

With a slight angling of his head, the man accepted the drink. “Thank you.” His gloved hands brushed over the back of your hand, deliberate and careful like the man himself. Just a short caress, only the sweetest of small gestures Tenzo could gift you with. And automatically, a smile rose on your face.

“No worries,” you said and lingered on your spot, a bit closer than friends would be, “it’s… always a pleasure to have you here.”

“Why the formalities?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.”

Just as careful and deliberate with his movements, Tenzo lowered the tea to the low table in front of him. The white mask looked up to you and before you knew it, one gloved hand had taken a hold of yours, entwining the fingers. Yours slid over the edges of his forearm protector, his over the bare back of your hand.

“Hey,” he said and tucked softly at your hand. His knees bumped into yours. “Do you want to sit with me and talk? Whatever you wanted to talk about?”

Sitting with him. Closer than ever before. You bit into the inside of your lower lip, while in your mind fought two fractions against each other.

_ Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy as long as you can! _

_ Don’t! Don’t Don’t! Don’t lead him anymore on than you already did. _

But you were a weak woman, thus, you found yourself sitting beside Tenzo. His calf was pressed to yours, only the fabric of your pants and his were parting you from his delicious, warm skin… Out of instinct, your inner wrist laid against his, palm against palm and when you looked into the slits of the cat mask, you could almost see the happy sparkle through the darkness.

“Well,” Tenzo squeezed your fingers, “What is the topic of your talk? I’m quite curious.”

“U-uuhm… The-the topic? Y-yes, that would…”

“Breathe, (Y/N). It’s okay to breathe.”

“Very funny.”

The heat radiating from the man intensified and he angled the slightest bit his head to the side. He blushed underneath the mask or at least was embarrassed enough to not be able to look into your general direction. “I wanted to help you,” the brunet mumbled lowly, “Because when you said you wanted to talk… I mean, it sounded really serious. And-and I thought…?”

“It’s alright,” you interrupted him. The cat mask jerked around and the dark holes bore deep into your eyes before you had the chance to look away. “Thank you, Tenzo. You’re always so… So nice and considerate.” A deep breath in, a long, heavy breath out. “You’re almost… Almost too nice. Especially to me.”

“What do you want to say?”

Tenzo didn’t retreat. That was the only thing which kept you going, that and the reassuring, calming presence by your side. Another deep, calming breath in and you continued, hastily stumbling over some words. The fact that you didn’t look into his masked face also helped tremendously.

“I-I mean, I wasn’t entirely honest to you. Of course, not intentionally, I would’ve never lied to you on purpose but there’s one thing which is kind of worthy mentioning. Not “kind of”, it is important to mention it but I never got around it because…” A heavy sigh dropped from your mouth. “There’s… there’s no excuse for keeping it for myself. It was always in the back of my mind, you know? Always there and always present, but the time with you was just too… I didn’t want to end it, I guess. I-I didn’t want it to end, our talks, your visits, the-the feeling you give me. All the feelings you give me.”

Tenzo kept silent. Thankfully. You weren’t too sure if you wouldn’t just break down and start to cry if the man would embrace or try in any form to comfort you. Instead of saying something and tempting you to stop talking altogether, the ANBU stayed almost erringly silent, the mask turned to you and his regular breathing the only signs he was still awake.

The dams broke. Hastily, you continued rambling, fiddling with Tenzo’s long, slender fingers and ignoring the more and more despaired tone in your voice, already begging for forgiveness where there was none to receive. “Listen, I fucked up. Royally. I forgot and I ignored and I also  _ lied _ , to you and to myself. And I despise myself for it, despise and hate myself for keeping this a secret even when it’s not a secret at all… I never wanted this to happen but then  _ you  _ happened and… I don’t know how to start?”

Tenzo chuckled lowly. “How about the beginning?”

You really planned to be sensitive about the whole thing. You really tried. But when Tenzo proposed to start at the beginning, your mouth decided to run wild, while your brain was still trying to process and work around careful and sensitive sentences and apologetic phrases.

“The start of all this would be me, waking up in the bed I share with my boyfriend of seven years, who’s right now on a one month-trip around the fire country and cooks for the daimyo, while I went to my shift at the hospital, where I met you.”

If you could see Tenzo’s face, you would certainly see how he blinked in confusion at the sudden proposal. But his mask was in the way and you went the extra mile of not looking into the slits of his cat mask. Instead, you kept your eyes tightly shut, biting harder and harder into your bottom lip until you could taste blood and the pain brought tears to your eyes. There, you said it. Said what made you unable to sleep properly during the last nights, said what made you nibble at your fingernails until they bleed, said what weighed your soul down until you felt like suffocating.

You should feel better. You really should. But you didn’t. At first, it did lessen, the edge of the unknown, the hollow feeling deep down in your guts, but the second Tenzo loosened the tight grip around your hand and retreated ever so slightly, your heart dropped from the little hill of hope. Tumbled down the steep, only to land at the feet of the hill completely bruised and battered.

Instantly, your head flinched upwards. “Tenzo?”

The ANBU shook sharply his head. His shoulders trembled faintly, like he was putting a leash on his feelings and still, was only barely able to restrain them. One hand clawed into the fabric of his pants, the other slowly rose to the area where his mouth was supposed to be, clamping down over the drawn, curled line.

He was angry, obviously. Who wouldn’t be? Ashamed, you dropped your gaze again to the ground. The first tears of many dwelled in your eyes and when the first one fell, you didn’t make the effort to wipe them away.

Only now you truly realized how deeply terrified you were of losing Tenzo when he just came into your life. You didn’t want to let go of him. You wanted to hold onto him and the feelings you harbored - _ those warm and tingly feelings, spreading through every nook and cranny of your body-  _ were pushing everything else into the background.

You were ripped out of your brooding by the man who threw you into the dark vortex himself. A breathy sound erupted from underneath his mask, followed by another, similar one. The flare of his shoulders grew stronger and the fingers which clawed into his pants almost protested just as loud as the leather of his gloves. Quickly, he turned his had to the side until you could only stare mildly bewildered at his suspiciously flushed ear, beet red against the dark brown of his shaggy hair. The sounds sounded frighteningly similar to…

“Wait…” You blinked, once, twice. “Are you laughing?”

Slowly, Tenzo shook his head. Then, faster than before, he nodded, the strange sounds you now could identify as  _ chuckling _ and trying to hold back the big waves of laughter still rolling around inside the man.

He laughed. Laughed at your nervous confession of being in a relationship with another guy. Your bruised heart at the foot of the hill came back to its senses and sat up, stretching and whining about the pain but still going. Was he…? Did he really…?

Tenzo, still looking away, reached under his mask and probably wiped away a tear of laughter, before he turned around and loosened the desperate grip into his own leg ( _ to control himself from breaking into a wild laughter _ , you realized). “(Y/N), you won’t believe it but I’m still an ANBU, even though I’m noticeably softer than my colleagues. I’ve seen the shoes for men in the entrance area, the second toothbrush on the sink in the bathroom, the foreign hair and smell on the second set of pillow and blanket in your bed. I knew from the very start there was someone in your life.”

“Then why…?”

“I tried not to,” he said and took once more your hand into his, even went as far as cradling your limp appendage between his, “I tried not to. To invade your life, to get closer to you. I’m not that kind of guy to go after a woman who is already bonded. Yet,” Tenzo lifted your hand to his masked mouth and when the cold porcelain touched your knuckles light like a feather, you felt your heart jumping, “I couldn’t stay away, no matter what. Sorry for making you think you tricked me into something I wasn’t aware of.”

“Sorry for assuming you weren’t aware of the mess I dragged you into.”

“Don’t be. I ignored it just as much as you did.”

A nervous smile flashed over your face only to die just as fast. “Why do you sound so happy then?”

Tenzo shrugged, only to nervously chuckle again and drag his fingers through the hair at the back of his head. “It’s just… You worried. A lot. About my reaction and that showed me that you care a lot. About…” He gestured awkwardly around. “About you and me, about the people you deem important to you. And seeing how important I am to you…”

His words dwindled past, heavy and light at the same time. But it told so much about the man himself. How little personal contact he had over the last decades. How dedicated he would be, how dedicated he  _ was _ already and how starved off personal attention the man was.

“Yes,” you said with a slightly breaking voice, “I worry a lot. It’s in the job description, you know?”

“I noticed.”

“With your superior ANBU-senses?”

Another snort escaped the boundaries of the mask. “Exactly with those.”

This time, the weak smile stayed on your face and when you grinned at Tenzo, you couldn’t shake off the feeling that he smiled right back at you. “Good to know.”

Silence fell over the room. But you had no problem with that, Tenzo also didn’t seem to mind. Together, your hands entwined, you sat on the cozy, small couch. Your knees bumped into each other, just like the evening where one of the worst storms since the foundation of Konoha had blasted wave after wave of strong, gusting winds and rain over the village. Except, the sun was shining outside, the cookies were missing and the feelings previously unsaid were now known to both parties. No uncomfortable secrets standing in the middle of the room, nothing left unsaid. Tenzo made no other physical advances towards you except for the fingers drawing circles on the back of your hand and the knee jokingly nudging yours. He knew you weren’t comfortable with more, when you were technically still together with Kiyoshi, who didn’t do anything wrong in this scenario. You didn’t want to screw him even more than you already did, with falling in love with another person and allowing him so many things.

That is, until the brunet started to fidget on his spot, his naked feet dragging over the ground.

“What’s wrong?” you asked when Tenzo accidently bumped into the coffee table, making the porcelain mugs jump a bit. “Why are nervous? Do you have a mission soon?”

He shook his head. “In fact, I have a free week. To recover properly.”

“What then?”

Tenzo shuffled a bit more on the couch. His naked toes curled into the carpet, clenched, unclenched only to repeat the process. Same with his fingers, though his grip around your fragile hands didn’t tighten that hard. He was always aware of his strength and handled you accordingly. Something you learned not only to appreciate but to love about Tenzo.

“Possibly,” he said finally, breathed it out with the finality of someone who resigned to the fate, “I have also something to tell you.”

Immediately, dread settled into your bones. It wasn’t something good, that much you could tell. And somehow, the atmosphere became even tenser than before, like the air knew a storm was brewing without a chance to seek shelter.

“What?” you dared to ask.

He didn’t answer. Instead, Tenzo froze completely. Nothing moved, not his toes, not his hands. Only the rapidly rising and falling chest showed he was still alive, that and the huffs and puffs of air hissing through the small slit between chin and porcelain.

You turned more to the man and now it was your turn to cradle his hand in yours, even though the dread grew stronger and heavier with every passing second. On top of that, the scar at your neck also started to tingle like a lighting washed with every breath you took through that particular patch of skin. Only barely, you managed not to scratch the scar and held onto Tenzo’s hand, who again had turned his head and masked face away from you. Like this, you were only able to speak towards his visible ear and the brown strands curling around the shell. “Please tell me whatever weighs you down. I want to know what troubles you.”

“You don’t.” He choked.

“Don’t tell me what I want to hear and what I don’t,” you insisted, “This is not your decision to make. You said you wanted to tell me something and as soon as you have the chance, you retreat back into your shell. And from the sound of it, it’s something which concerns us both, not only you or only me.”

A sigh escaped the confines of the muzzle. “Right. It does concern us both.”

“So, what’s so dangerous about it?”

“I’m pretty sure it will make you…” Tenzo fell silent. Only the birds in the trees outside chirped and sung their little tunes, unaware of the tense atmosphere inside the flat.

Abruptly, he looked again into your face and this time, you thought you saw something moving in the holes resembling eyes. “You said you wouldn’t be scared of me. Right?”

Quickly, you looked through your memories. Yes, you did say that, right before the silent confession of your feelings washed everything inconvenient and unimportant away. “I did, indeed. What…?”

Before you could ask further, Tenzo already let go of your hand and started to nestle with the edges of his porcelain mask. “I will,” he said while the white material came off and revealed his features, “I want to let you see my face for this. There’s no way around it.”

Your eyes must be the size of saucers while you watched how the livelihood of every ANBU came off. The mask was like a second skin to them, putting the porcelain on and wearing it for a big part of their lives as natural as breathing. That Tenzo went as far as to reveal his face, his identity to you, merely a civilian and at best a liability was a heavy proof of his trust into you, to never speak about this with anyone and never show any signs of surprise or shock in the presence of others.

Slowly and with slightly trembling hands, Tenzo lifted his mask further. Inch by inch, more of his skin became visible to your weak eyes and eagerly, you tried to imprint every detail into your mind.

First, his forehead. There were some almost invisible lines imprinted into his skin, telling of many times the man laughed, frowned or even cried. The lines of a hard life. Next were the eyebrows, the same color as his hair. They were drawn together, already expecting a reaction of you not even yourself you were aware of. His closed eyes were revealed, more little wrinkles around them, which would only grow deeper the longer Tenzo would live. His bare cheeks, the corners of his mouth, his chapped lips until even the last shadows of the mask were gone.

With a resolute ‘thud’ the porcelain fell into his lap, white against grey and black. But you didn’t even notice. Instead, your eyes darted over his features. With every round, the tingle and burn in your scar intensified. With every look across those features, something inside you  _ screamed _ , something coiled and boiled upwards.

Sweat tainted your palms as Tenzo opened his eyes which were unsurprisingly the deepest shade of black you saw until now. Their shape was burned into your memory, the same intensity and the plead to forgive him as the last time you saw him glinting in the pools of black.

“It’s me,” Tenzo whispered and his voice broke, “You… You know me. Knew a version of me I’m not proud of.”

Like a lightning flashed through your veins, the memories of the fateful day came back. All those years, you had tried not to think about what happened but now, faced with an adult version of  _ Kinoe _ who was at the same time  _ Tenzo _ , they came back with the power of a hurricane meeting a village of old huts.

Nothing was left behind. Absolutely nothing but destroyed fields and empty shells of once intact, little houses.

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_ The kunai was glinting in the sunlight as the boy picked the weapon up, slender fingers slowly closing around the handle. Every word you wanted to say, to scream at Kinoe died on your lips. That he even considered…! That he picked the weapon up and stared at it, obviously thinking and turning his choices over and over in his head was unthinkable for you! You could never kill a friend! Only true monsters would do that! Kinoe was your friend! He would never do that to you! _

_ …Right? _

_ Without your command, your feet took a step backwards. _

_ Danzo noticed. “Kinoe.” His tone was warning and command at once. A warning for you, to stop and bear the punishment meant for Kinoe and a command for the boy, to do as he was told and not to think any further. _

_ “Kinoe…” You whispered, the wind ripping the name from your mouth. “Please…” _

_ “Kinoe.” Danzo said, stern and unforgiving. “Do it.” _

_ You wanted to say more. Wanted to remind him of your times together, of the warm feeling in your chest, the hope you had for him, the night you spent together and the good times of skipping stones over the small river. You wanted to say so much more but your tongue stumbled over itself in your attempt to save him. Tears assembled in your eyes, burning and blurring your vision. Still, you could see the outline of the boy, how the shadowy body moved swiftly out of his kneel into a predatory stand. How he walked closer, how the kunai glistened in the sun as he rose it towards your neck when he was close enough. _

_ Running away was out of the question. Your feet were frozen to the ground, not moving an inch even when you screamed internally full of panic at them. _

Move! Please, please, let me move! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!

_ But they didn’t move. Like that, only the faint tremble of your knees and the silent tears running down your cheeks had the slight potential to stop Kinoe from hurting you, from killing you. But like the emotionless puppet he was, the boy you once would’ve called a friend raised the kunai to your neck, his eyes bottomless and motionless at the same time. _

_ “Kinoe,” you said and your voice was only a sobbing mess, “Please don’t do this…” _

_ No answer. Only a short flicker in his eyes told about more underneath the dead mask he wore. Slowly but steadily, he raised the kunai to your neck. The sharp tip pressed painfully into your soft skin, drawing a thin line of flames and leaving a bloody trail. His hand didn’t even shake the tiniest bit, the fingers secure and safely closed around the handle. Not even a twitch of a single muscle betrayed if your friend was underneath his cold exterior. Nothing showed if he was still human. _

_ A last, broken sob fell from your lips. “I like you-ou. You-You’re my fr-friend.” _

_ Through a dead murmur and the drum of your pounding heart, you thought you heard a weak “I am,” before the pressure of the kunai intensified. Together with the pain, your vision went black, while you listened to the soft gasp emitting from either your lips or Kinoe’s. _

_ You had no clue. It was all the same and too far away. _

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“You’re…” Once more, your eyes raked full of shock over the familiar, aged features. “You’re Kinoe…”

Tenzo nodded slowly. “I was. My name was Kinoe.”

“This isn’t possible.”

“And still I am here, with you.”

“How…?” Flabbergasted, you pointed at him, gestured, only to let your numb arm fall again into your lap. “How come?”

Hastily, Tenzo started to speak. Maybe he was relieved you didn’t immediately start to scream bloody murder when he revealed his real identity to you. Little did he know that the scream was growing inside your lungs with every word he dropped, becoming more and more desperate and panicked with every revelation. “Before I became an ANBU, I was part of another organization. I can’t tell you more but it’s essentially the same as the team I’m now working with. But feelings, personal connections aren’t allowed at all. Everyday we had to distance ourselves from our own comrades, from the people we should trust the most. For that purpose, we don’t even get names if we’re with this organization from our birth. I was one of those children.”

Tenzo paused. His black eyes closed - _ these deep, emotionless holes-  _ for a second, before they opened again, glazed over with pictures of the past. “We didn’t even have real names. Names that belong to us, only us. Another method to detach us from humans. We were only tools, even more than ANBU. Formed for the battle, forged for a hidden war. When I met you for the first time, my last code name had been Kinoe and I particularly liked that one. So… That’s the reason why you knew me as “Kinoe”.”

Kinoe. Kinoe, the boy with the long hair and the emotionless black eyes. Tenzo. Tenzo, the man with the white mask and the gentle behavior. Your head spun around from all the sheer  _ realization  _ going on. Kinoe was Tenzo, Tenzo had been Kinoe all along and knew who you had been from the very first moment he laid his covered eyes upon you.

He knew. He knew why you were scared by ANBUs, why you never dared to look them in the eyes, why you had this ugly scar at your neck and touched the mended tissue whenever you felt nervous and panicked. Tenzo knew and he had dared to ask you if you were ready to tell him the reason.

He was the reason. He was the fucking reason for all your horror and fear and panic whenever a single ninja crossed your way.

The man in question didn’t even notice your growing tension. His eyes set on the coffee table in front of you, he rambled on, while you tried to remember how the mechanism called “breathing” worked again. “I’m truly sorry for… For everything. I have no idea for what I should apologize first, because everything I did is despicable in itself. I… I have no words. They’re… slipping away from me and even when I’ve written out a list with everything which came to my mind, I can’t seem to remember any point at all. I’m… I’m sorry for…  _ everything _ .”

To your horror, you felt how his hand started to move again, moved again into your direction and warily brushed over your thigh, light like a feather and cold like ice. At least it felt like this to you, the touch of a corpse dragging her rotten fingers over your warm and lively flesh.

When Tenzo brushed your hand, just the tips of his fingers over the back of your hand, you flinched away.

The raw pain in his eyes was nearly tangible. “(Y/N)…”

Biting your tongue, you tried to stay in the same place on the couch. But it was so hard to bear the suddenly surfacing horror again. Memories, terrible, blood-stained memories came back, broke free from the restraints you put on them such a long time ago to walk calmly through the streets of Konoha again. The scar at your neck burned more with every second Tenzo looked at you, until you couldn’t stand the puppy-dog-eyes any longer.

Your mouth was dry as you whispered into the tense silence. “You almost killed me.”

“I-I did, yes, but please, (Y/N), let me explain-!”

“You almost killed me, Kinoe. Do you know,” the scar started to tingle, “Do you know how many months it took me to recover from the blood loss alone?” you asked.

He shook his head. “Please don’t call me that, I’m not Kinoe anymore.”

“You’ll always be Kinoe for me.”

“I’m not Kinoe.”

A slither of anger sneaked into your panic. “Are you kidding me!?” Agitated, you stood up and threw a glare at the ANBU. “You can’t just tell me to essentially forget what happened back then! You fucking tried to kill me! There’s no denying that, I have the damn scar to prove it!”

“Listen, I-!”

“No.” Such a simple word, such a heavy impact. Immediately, Tenzo fell silent and the pain in the air became unbearable. “I won’t listen. Like you didn’t listen to me when I begged you not to do what you did. I begged you not to kill me and you still went ahead and held the kunai to my neck, watched how I withered at your feet and walked away. You left me on our clearing to  _ die _ , to fucking  _ die _ there!”

Your hands trembled. Your knees felt like jelly, your nerves flared from the nervous rage sparking up in your stomach. Blood rushed loudly in your ears and you needed to pinch the back of your hand to concentrate again. “That day, I saw how terrific shinobi were. How emotionless and inhuman. Thank you for that lesson, Kinoe. Otherwise, I would’ve probably found out when it had been too late.”

Tenzo scrambled to his feet, despair shining through every word. “No, (Y/N), you don’t understand. It’s true, I really tried to kill you that day. There’s nothing that can deny that. But please, let me explain why I did what I did-!”

“I don’t need an explanation.” You stepped away from the man, away from the pain, away from the despair. “It was an order, because orders are more important for shinobi than the people they hurt with those. Spare me your cheap words. Spare me the need to listen to the explanation of a ninja who will tell me that he had no other choice, that the order is absolute, that nothing will ever stand between him and the village. Because that’s what all shinobi are, married to their occupation and married to their village.”

Everyday, you saw it at the hospital. Everyday, there was at least one shinobi who died for the village and left a grieving family behind. A silently crying spouse, hands clasped in front of their faces to muffle the heart-wrenching gasps of loss. Stone-faced parents, who had to prepare the funeral of their only child. Children, who had no idea why their father or mother or in the worst case, both, wouldn’t answer them any longer.

All of these people. Throwing away their lives for something as flimsy and fragile like their pride and beliefs.

You balled your hands into tight fists, forcing the softer tingles of the earlier soft caresses away. “I can’t. I simply can’t. I know, it sounds hypocritical of me to say this, but you being Kinoe was more important than me having a boyfriend. Because you obviously knew how I would react.”

Tenzo moved slowly upwards, his gloved arm slightly outstretched and wary of every movement. “Let me explain. Please, (Y/N). I let you explain, so give me also a chance to-!”

_ “Get away from me!” _ The instinct to flinch backwards flared up in the same second he took a step forward. A step into your direction. A step closer to you, to hurt and slash and  _ kill _ . Hastily, you took another step backwards, away, away, away from the living nightmare born out of your memories. “Go, just  _ go _ away!”

“(Y/N), no, please don’t say that. I’m sorry for what I did, but please, let me just  _ explain _ !”

“Don’t come any closer! Stay where you are!”

“Please-!”

“ _ No!” _

While Tenzo chased you around the living room, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible, you stumbled further and further through your flat. Sweat ran down your back, coated your neck and palms. Cold sweat of fear and panic. Your heart pounded loudly in your chest, thundered in your ears and your vision narrowed with every breath you drew in.

Another step on his behalf forwards, another step on your behalf backwards. You just rounded the couch for a second time when the heel of your foot got caught in a wrinkle of the carpet. A shriek escaped your mouth as you fell backwards.

You expected to hit the ground, expected the pain and short moment of uncomfortable ache in your bottom and back. But when the familiar, strong arms wrapped themselves around your waist and stopped you from falling and possibly hurting yourself, the horrified scream finally left your mouth.

Tenzo was Kinoe. Kinoe tried to kill you, failed and came back to finish his job in the cruelest way possible. Stealing your heart and squashing it right under his ninja boots.

His face was too close, the aged features of your once best friend and crush right in your own face. “Please,” Tenzo’s voice brushed gently over your mouth, calm and pleading you to understand, “ _ Please _ . I can’t do anything else but plead you to listen to me.”

With a low whimper you shielded your eyes.

“(Y/N), I won’t say I couldn’t have decided otherwise. But there were circumstances which maybe would make you at least understand the decision I made.” he said. The grip around your waist tightened the tiniest bit, only to loosen instantly when the embrace started to hurt slightly. “Give me a chance. Give me the chance. For… For something we could have. For something we could’ve had when I hadn’t been that blind and deaf.”

You couldn’t answer. Jaw locked in place, teeth grinding together, you could only stare into the black eyes you knew from all these years ago and shake your head steadily from side to side.

You didn’t think Tenzo could look even more miserable. You were wrong. When the man closed his eyes and his features went impossibly blank, like he put a mask over his feelings to close every little motion off, you were so close to erase your earlier statements. He was after all the  _ man _ you fell in love with.  _ Again _ . But then your fear regained the control over your mind and body.

Still and stiff, you allowed Tenzo to place you on your own two feet before he let go. His inviting warmth lingered for some seconds on your skin and clothes, before even that vanished.

“Then, I’m taking my leave.” Like a shadow, he brushed through your flat and collected his things. The first item he took back into his own hands was the white porcelain-mask. He weighed it for a second, obviously considering if he should put it on. A glance at you, how you stood and stared at him, your hands clutched in front of your chest, with a trembling bottom lip and tears of panic in your eyes and his blank, dead eyes vanished underneath the white material.

“Then, I have to apologize for stepping into your life again.” Slowly, he slipped into one sandal. “It was definitely not my intention to hurt you. Not today and certainly not back when we were children.” A glance at you. “But to protect myself from more pain, I have to stop coming here. Otherwise, I would probably force an explanation on you which you obviously don’t want to hear.” Tenzo slipped into the second sandal, his fingers quickly zipping up the opening. He turned around, with every fiber of his being the ANBU who broke your walls down and stole your heart. The porcelain blinked in the sunlight as his shoulders dropped in an invisible sign. “How foolish of me. To think you wouldn’t be scared of me. Even when you said you didn’t think you couldn’t.”

One blink and the dark silhouette was standing in front of your agape window. The next blink and the shadow was gone, vanished like a cat in the night. And you? You could only stare blindly at the spot where Tenzo stood and said his more than true words, the tears sluggishly trailing down your face and your lips parted in a silent wail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you all burn me alive, let me explain.  
> The MC is scared. Was from the very beginning. I think I pretty much lined that out. Now, Tenzo turns her life upside down, makes her forget about her prejudices and cares for her in a honest, lovable way. MC lets him in, thinking the one responsible for nearly killing her all those years ago is NOT, absolutely NOT in the room. She allows herself to develop deep feelings for him again, even admits to them, still thinking Tenzo is a whole different person than Kinoe.  
> And now, Tenzo IS Kinoe. THe boy who tried to kill her on an order drom someone else.  
> It is scary to meet your attacker again, after years and years of feeling safe. And knowing he knew all of that and still dared to step into her life, to woo her and care for her, that is the reason the MC acts like she does.  
> Simply scared.  
> It doesn't excuse her "forgetting" about Kiyoshi. It doesn't excuse her behavior at all and trust me, I already planned everything out. More explanation to her behavior will come with the next chapters. All of it in time, don't worry.  
> Sorry, just had to get this off before anyone will ask questions about it later on. In general, questions are welcomed, like, ALWAYS, but before I type different types of the same answer out, I will put it into the notes. ;)
> 
> All of you, have a lovely day! :D


	8. Denying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a day and night full of living nightmares, you wake up only to find someone willing to listen and to soothe your panicked, questioning mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a big fat Kudo for Chisie ^^ Thank you for looking over my drafts and bravely fighting my many, many mistakes!

_ You awoke to the soft crying of your mother and the quiet snores of your father. Blinking slowly, your eyes fluttered open, unseeing and unfocused. White. White everywhere. Such a stark contrast to the black of… _

_ Your neck throbbed dully and your throat resembled a desert: dry and full of sand. When you opened your chapped lips, nothing came out, your tongue struggling and actually resisting against the words you tried to form. _

_ When your arms twitched underneath the stiff blanket, your mother, who had hidden her face behind her hands, looked upwards and met your eyes. The skin around her slightly swollen eyes was red and when her hands dropped into her lap, new tears flowed freely down. _

_ “(Y/N!)” _

_ Her soft scream woke your father up, who blinked confused only to show one of his rare, honest and wide smiles. The skin around his eyes was also suspiciously red. “Oh, thank the heavens you’re awake.” He groaned lowly and rubbed harshly over his face, before your father shook his head. “What happened to you?” _

_ Your mother nodded. Her tears were still silently falling. “We-We found you in the forest and you bleed so much! You’re really lucky to be alive, sweetie. That was also what the doctors said.” _

_ “Where’s…?” you asked, but your father brushed, with a suddenly stony face your unfinished question, aside. _

_ “Don’t exhaust yourself,” he said and wiped some of your strands out of your sweaty forehead, “Sleep for now. We will stay with you.” _

_ You nodded, not knowing what to say otherwise. So, did that really happen? Had Kinoe really tried to kill you? No, that couldn’t… _

_ The memories rushing into your head when you gave in to the sleep suddenly claiming you proved otherwise. Kinoe did what you never would’ve thought of him. Acted like a puppet, killed the child in his soul and almost - _ almost- _ killed you along with himself. A cold shower rained down your back at the memory. _

_ Your sleep was haunted by more cruel, bright memories of the last, terrible second you looked into Kinoe’s black eyes. The moment you felt the kunai slicing your skin, carving a deep line into your neck, blood running down and leaving your body. The feeling of being utterly betrayed, being left alone and behind, on that clearing, in the cold, cold grass, twitching and convulsing in your supposedly last breaths you would ever take. _

_ You awoke with a gasped scream and your mother instantly asked if everything was alright, her clothes wrinkled from the hours she already spent in the hospital room and the remains of a strong coffee clinging to her clothes. _

_ That moment, the realization really crashed into you. Kinoe hurt you, hurt you and nearly killed you for an order, given by an old man who seemed to be more important than you. The order - _ the words, the order to kill- _ was more important to a shinobi than a liked one. A loved one. More worth and more important than a friend pleading to stay alive, begging and crying silently for help. _

_ Shinobi were like that. Shinobi acted like that. No emotion was allowed to come in their way when there was an order taking place. Nothing would stop them, not family, not friends, not a single loved one. _

_ Kinoe hurt you. And didn’t do anything to help. _

_ For the first time since you woke up after the attack, the tears streamed down your face and you threw yourself with a low cry into the arms of your mom, the fresh wound at your neck puckering and throbbing with every breath you took. That was enough for your mother to break into tears once more and when your father came back, his hands closed around two cups of weak coffee, and saw the waterfalls streaming down the faces of his two girls, he carefully settled them on a nearby table and joined the group hug. _

_ It was the warmest and at the same time loneliest moment you ever had in your whole, short life. _

_ Weeks passed by and only slowly, your childish body regained its previous strength and agility. The nurses told you in gentle voices that you lost a lot of blood and therefore, your lack of energy was explainable. Your parents would visit every day, bringing books, plushies and paper with pencils, talking with you about the changes in the nature and their work, how quiet the forest had become and that the animals weren’t coming out anymore, that winter was close… _

_ While you wished stupidly for someone else to come through the door, knowing he would never come and that you were dead to him. Hour for hour, you stared outside, watching how the starting fall winds rattled at the trees and how the green of the leaves turned from one day to another, from yellow and red, to orange and brown, only to fall and leave the trees naked. Night for night, you were awoken by terrible nightmares of black eyes and silver knives, screaming and flailing until the night nurse came in and soothed you back into a restless sleep. Day for day, you hoped and at the same time dreaded for the door to your room to open and reveal Kinoe, with his long, brown hair and the same, special eyes. _

_ Fear became your constant companion, a stone in your guts. It weighed you down, heavy and cold in the deepest depths of your stomach. Smiles were unthinkable and whenever you felt the tiniest bit happy, the scar at your neck started to burn, reminding you of the times you were laughing and smiling because of the one who attacked you. _

_ Where happiness was before, reigned the overbearing panic of a dark shadow always looming behind your back. Whenever there was a sudden sound, you jerked away from it, tears already dwelling in your eyes and close to screaming out. For a long time, you could only sleep when there was an adult in the room. The night nurse responsible for the station where you were resting at did most of that part, catching up on some paperwork or knitting a scarf for one of her own children waiting for her at her home. To the soothing sound of the needles clicking together, you would fall into a light, uneasy sleep. _

_ Your mind was broken. You weren’t innocent any longer. Nothing was like before, all of it turned upside down by nearly bleeding out on the clearing, by the hand of someone you had considered a friend. And more. So much, much more. _

_ You loved him. No, you had loved Kinoe. He was dead. All what was left of him was a Kinoe-like shell, walking around and taking orders, following them to the bitter end and beyond that. Night for night, whenever you awoke from the recurring nightmare of being cut apart by a puppet-like Kinoe, you had to tell yourself that. Kinoe was dead. Your Kinoe, your friend and more, the boy who taught you to skip a stone over the river… _

_ He was dead. _

_ Everything else would be unbearable. _

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The sun rose on a clear blue sky, promising a bright and nice, warm fall day, with colorful leaves falling to the ground and an occasional chilly breeze cutting through the clothes of the people outside. You didn’t feel it. Instead of going to work, you shuffled only deeper under the blanket of your bed, hiding away in the darkness and coziness. Ants were still running over your skin, making you shiver and shudder, and your scar burned still, after hours and hours of silent weeping and panicked gasping for air.

_ Kinoe is Tenzo. Tenzo is Kinoe. I fell twice for the same boy, for the same man, fell twice for someone who tried to kill me. _

Rapidly blinking the rising tears away, you raised the blanket over your head and sunk into the merciful, forgiving shadows. Tenzo, Tenzo, Tenzo. Tenzo, the ANBU. Your ANBU, the one who was gentle and nice and friendly. Kinoe, the boy, the emotionless boy, who followed orders without a second thought and had no ideas what human’s feelings were.

You couldn’t. You just couldn’t combine such differing personalities into one person, squeeze and squish them together into one personality. It was too difficult, too taxing for your panicked mind, who was in a daze at the discovery of falling in love  _ -again-  _ with someone who had tried to hurt you.

_ Correction. Someone who tried to kill me. _

_ Tenzo wouldn’t… Tenzo wouldn’t do this. _

_ But he did. He did. He fucking did. _

You let an emotionless puppet yet again, close again, after learning your lesson in the cruelest way possible. Another tool in the hands of the village, another meat shield who would throw himself into the attack of an enemy without a second thought for his loved ones at home.

He would’ve killed you in your sleep if he would’ve gotten the according order. Shuddering, you started yet again, to cry. Your teeth lodged deeply into your bottom lip and restraining the mighty sobs wrecking through your ribcage, curling into a small ball. Your throat was raw from all the earlier crying, your eyes felt swollen to the point of hurting slightly and still, at the thought of being attacked like that  _ once more _ , your inner child broke free, together with the tears which you hadn’t had the chance to release yet.

Back then, you only cried heavily that one time, with your parents around you and in their security. Back then, in the hospital, alone and sitting stiffly in the strange, hard and too big hospital bed, you only stared blindly at the walls and felt the tears building up, but they never fell.

Today, being confronted with the heartbreak from back then and the heartbreak from now, the tears fell freely and without any restraint. They fell for the child you had been, innocent and with big, blue eyes, looking bravely and yet naively into the world and trusting a boy without a real name from the very first second. You cried for Kiyoshi, who had no idea what happened in his own home, who was far, far away from Konoha and lived his life to the fullest. You cried for your relationship; this abandoned, wrecked and broken ship, unloved and to some extent even unwanted. And yes, a part of you cried for Tenzo and Kinoe, even when the fear still coiled like a bundle of poisonous snakes in your stomach and tightened around your heart. The boy who you fell in love with and the man who managed again to sneak behind the walls and prejudices you built to avoid getting close to a “dangerous” individual.

Sometime, in between the cries and silent sobs muffled in the by now positively wet fabric of your pillow, you fell asleep, curled up like a child and still clothed into the same things you wore when Tenzo revealed the terrible truth.

Your dreams were filled with uncertainty, the taste of blood coating your tongue and Kinoe’s black eyes dancing around you, staring and judging, assessing the worth of your feelings and deeming them worthless. No clear pictures, no replays of the horror of the past. Just... blurred lines and mist hanging over the colors.

Waking up consisted of teary eyes and lying in bed for ten unnecessary minutes, before you turned on your other side and closed them once more. You didn’t have the nerves to deal with other problems than your own right now. No blood, no broken bones and no operations. Just tears, your bed and the comfortable warmth of something which wouldn’t betray you at all costs.

You shuffled deeper into the cushions, already sniffling and with a blurry curtain hanging before your vision. Before you knew it, the tears dwelling in your eyes started to fall once more and you dried them in your pillow, while your nose slowly blocked from all your renewed crying and your throat roughing up from the same course.

You didn’t go to work. Instead of appearing in the hospital for another, long and dragged out shift under the bossy attitude of an egotistical woman who did nothing but shove the hardest parts of her job on other people, you closed your eyes again and drifted off into a shallow, nervous sleep. More than once, you woke up, mouth parted in a silent wail and feeling the sharp edge of a kunai pressing to your neck and the aged voice of Tenzo whispering of dark and terrible fantasies into your ear.

The scar at your neck tingled uncomfortably, almost aching from the earlier nightmare. On instinct, you touched the tickling tissue, drew the slightly rough patch with your fingertips. Nothing happened. The tingle didn’t lessen, the windows or door didn’t burst open and didn’t spill a bloodthirsty ANBU into your bedroom, weapon brandished and fury in his black eyes.

_ Tenzo would never… _

Slowly, you shook your head. Nose and wet eyes ruffled over the rough fabric of the pillow, spread more liquid and nasty fluids over the surface. Some of the disgusting mix was wiped into other parts of your face and you scrunched your nose automatically.

Your stomach grumbled loudly. No breakfast today, no dinner yesterday. It was time to eat something, even when it was only a single, small apple.

With a lot of effort, inaudible grunting and heavy sighs you propped yourself upwards and stumbled into the kitchen, yawning and grabbing a thick, wooly jacket from the nearby stool. You avoided to look at the chair too closely. It was too real, the image of the dark shadow looming in front of your window and sitting on said chair too clear before your inner eye to face the memory at the moment.

Blindly, you stumbled into the kitchen. Without your notice, your hands started to move, preparing a small breakfast, all the while your thoughts were still numbly circling around the painful truth Tenzo revealed. He was Kinoe. He tried to kill you. You shoved him away, scared, scared,  _ scared… _

In the middle of pouring milk into the bowl of cereal, your fingers lost their strength. A ‘thud’, a crack and the carton of milk fell on the counter, spilling milk everywhere. With a hiss, you jumped backwards, away from the mess you created with your thoughtlessness.

“Fuck!” Gritting your teeth, you grabbed a nearby tea towel and threw it into the puddle of milk, which still spilled slowly out of the carton. Some of it even dripped on the floor by now, assembling close to your toes into another, unsightly puddle.

Quickly, you pulled the by now half-empty carton upright, while shoving the overfilled bowl further over the counter, all the while cursing weakly under your breath for being such a stupid hag. “Just grab tightly onto the goddamn thing, you idiot! Is it that hard for you to even make breakfast once in a while? Goddammit, fucking bullshit!”

Frustrated, you stared at the mess. You were so close to abandon the kitchen, to just let the milk dry on the counter and the bowl with it. But then, an old instinct taking over, you sighed deeply, counted to ten and started to clean up sluggishly.

With every swipe of the tea towel over the puddle, your mind clouded more and more over. And when you accidentally glanced at the still broken coffee machine, the hole of the kunai ripped open and revealing the broken insides, the scar at your neck flashed brightly up. A wince was born on your face and you jerked away from the machine sitting innocently on the counter, one hand raised to cover the scar, the other balled into a tight fist.

But when you turned around to flee back into your bedroom, you stopped dead in your tracks. Even though Tenzo wasn’t here anymore, remedies of the man were still sprawled all over the curfew. A jar of cookies on the coffee table. Two cups drying on the drying rack right beside the sink. The curtains of the window where the man used to enter pulled ajar and the sun spilling inside the room. The small rag right before the window where Tenzo used to place his sandals to not bring all the dirt into your home.

Small, almost insignificant things. And still, your heart started to ache when your eyes caught sight of them. Hurting, throbbing, burning. Scorching your heart out with every breath tagging through your too tight chest. Swarmed with sudden panic and overwhelming sadness, you shook your head and sunk to your knees. Your legs wouldn’t carry you anymore. They let you down, like you let Tenzo-!

First, it was only a whimper. Weak and a pained groan, more like the sound of a hurt dog than anything else. It had lived in your chest for the last hours and when the notes trailed through the air, you almost felt lighter.

But you didn’t.

A scream followed, hollering and growing stronger and stronger with every second. Shaking and trembling on your knees, you hugged yourself, trying to restrict the scream of crawling out, but it fell. Fell and fell and fell, vibrated in the air and echoed between the walls. New tears, heavy and burning and foul streamed down your face, soaking in the hems of your jacket when they met the fabric and nape of your neck. Blindly, you stared at the ceiling, all the while your voice broke, grew hoarse and finally gave out from the terrible, terrifying scream of poor suffering which had lived inside of your soul for decades now. With a last gasp, your dry lips closed and your vision fell to the ground right in front of your knees.

You had no idea for whom you were crying now. There was nothing left to cry over, just the barren, war-torn lands of a once nearly healthy mindscape and the once happy, now blue-tinged memories of an innocent childhood.

(…)

A knock echoed through the flat. You were distantly aware of the coldness of the tiles, pressing against your cheek or the distant ache of your joints and bones. For some long minutes, you continued to stare blindly into the darkness, until a second knock rung loudly in your ears.

_ I have to go. Need to answer the door. _

_ No. Let it be. Don’t care. _

_ But I have to. Someone waits there. _

_ Nothing matters. Sleep. _

A third knock and a belonging shout made you finally sit up fully, eyes bleary and face uncomfortably swollen from another round of heavy crying. “(Y/N)? Are you in there!?”

_ Chie. _ It was Chie’s voice. Chie’s frantic knocking and Chie’s growing worry, nearly penetrating the wood of the door and the physical distance between her and you.

A look outside of the window and you knew what was up and why your colleague was panicking. The night faded away, the first hues of a new day spread in your living room and basked the surroundings into a soft, warm light.

In the back of your mind, you already knew it would be a perfect fall day. Warm yet windy, full of bight, lively colors and a nice, cool breeze chasing the leaves over the ground and taking them up into the air for a little ride.

Instinctively, you wrapped your arms tighter around your body.

“ _ (Y/N)!?” _ This time, Chie banged her fists again on the thin wood of the door.  _ “(Y/N), are you in there!?” _

“…Here.” The word fell from your chapped and dry lips like sand. Too weak, too thin. You coughed, your throat tight and hurting, then spoke up again and this time, you actually had the feeling you would be heard. “I’m here.”

“(Y/N)!” You winced at the relieved squeal Chie let out, all the while stumbling through the living room on naked feet. “Thank god, I thought something happened when you didn’t show up to your shift!”

Your steps faltered, only a few meters parting you from the entrance. Something happened.  _ Yeah _ . Something big and scary happened, meaningful and hurting to the point of breaking your heart into tiny little pieces. Unbeknownst to you, your nose scrunched up slightly and the frown tugging at your lips turned into a full-grown scowl.

Tenzo was Kinoe. Kinoe tried to kill you. Tenzo tried to kill you all those years ago, saw you at the hospital and decided to steal your love once more.

With gritted teeth and new tears burning their way up into your eyes (seriously, you turned slowly but surely into a fountain!), you tugged the loose jacket closed, with the other hand reaching out and opening the door the tiniest bit.

On the outside stood Chie, her brown hair in a disarray of curls and strands curling around the base of her neck. The slender woman wore some of her most comfortable clothing, meaning she went straight from her nightshift at the hospital to your place.

A strange tug moved your heart. Chie cared so much for you she hurried over, when she must be also fatigued and beyond tired, and probably also desperate to see her loving husband. A last, deep breath in, then you opened the door further and let your colleague see the whole, entire mess you were.

One look at the reddened eyes, the swollen face, the wrinkled clothes and the all-in-all miserable state of yours truly, and Chie’s excited smile turned into a worried, almost motherly expression of care. Gently, her hand reached out and tugged you back inside your flat while the woman brushed past you. You let her lead you around, unwilling to think for yourself, not to talk about choosing your own way around your own turf.

Chie parked you on the couch and shuffled into the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards in search for who-know-what, while you stared into the air and continued to ponder and wonder about the happenings of the last day.

Some time later, you had no idea how much time passed, Chie came back and settled down right beside you. The brunette looked at you, deep bags under her eyes and her hair pulled into a disheveled knot at the lower back of her head, only to gently tug at the sleeve of your warm jacket.

“Tell me what happened,” she said, using the same gentle tone she used with patients who didn’t have more than a week left to live.

You continued to stare blankly ahead, only the telltale burning of your eyes told about the new crash of grief into your fragile state. Only your fingers tightened into the soft fabric of your jacket, kneading and torturing the sleeves until the pain clawed into the slender bones.

Chie sighed loudly, stood again up and walked into the kitchen, where the water kettle was about to whistle. Soon, the slightly sweet scent of some kind of fruity tea filled the air, and when the brunette came back and placed the two cups on the low coffee table, you were gnawing on your lower lip, the pain soothing your mind.

At least, a little, a tiny bit.

Another sigh from your side. Thankfully, the other woman, who seemed to understand to some point that you needed the silent companion more than the sympathetic nurse, only calmly sipped at her tea.

The reprieve was temporary.

“You know,” Chie said clearly and leaned into the cushions of the couch, “I know we’re not best friends. Not that I haven’t tried though. I’m just saying, if you need to talk, if you need someone to listen, then I’m here.”

_ Oh shit. _

You didn’t want to cry anymore. You cried too much during the last 24 hours, the throat raw and eyes puffy. And still, there was  _ still _ something left, some tears, some residing melancholy, some sticking anger or even resentment. It was hard to differ at this point and you honestly didn’t have the willpower to do so.

Everything was confusing. Kinoe and Tenzo were the same. Tenzo, who cooked and baked and cared, tried to kill you so many years ago. Tried and failed. Failed and tried again. He came back, for what?

To break your heart.

Chie’s soothing voice made the lump in your throat bigger and you swallowed once more, trying to hold back the renewed flood. “Or don’t talk. That’s fine too. I just let you know that no matter how shit the things you experience seem to be, no matter how little you want to talk about them or how much you detest yourself for whatever you did. I’m not a judge. Never will be. I accept you like you are, with all the good and the bad, and everything in between. It changes nothing about the fact that I want to be there for my friends and you are my friend.”

Another deliberate sip at her tea and Chie continued, voice even and calm despite the fact you were heavily trembling right beside her, so close to another breakdown that you could feel the gates to your tears crumble with every breath. “I love you. You’re a great colleague, a hard worker. A passionate person. You love your work, obviously. And I admire that greatly. We helped each other out a lot while working. Now, I want you to trust me when I say that I will listen to you even when you’re not rambling about the head nurse and her unfair favoritism. I want you to know that I will listen to anything you have to say. I’m here, if you want that. For whatever you need me for.”

With wide, teary eyes, you blinked. Someone who wanted to listen? Someone who wanted to hear what happened to make you into this pathetic, crying mess?

Unfazed by the heavy words she just uttered, Chie continued to sip occasionally at her tea. Her eyes darted around, inspected the living room with the sharp eyes of a hawk. They took every little detail in, so it seemed, from the little mess in the kitchen to the still impeccable windows, cleaned by the bloody hands of a ruthless murderer.

Calm, like a lake in the middle of the forest. Sniffling slightly, you glanced at your colleague - _ your friend _ \- before your bottom lip started to tremble and the tears once more blurred the clear lines in your vision. A last, muffled sob, buried deeply in your chest, before the one after that broke through your pitiful defenses like a hammer through a bone.

You hated yourself for crying that much. It made you feel weak, pitiful, pathetic. Like you reverted back to your childish self, asking herself what she did wrong to deserve such treatment from a friend over and over again, alone in the night and while her parents chatted about their day.

Now, aged and wiser, you knew it wasn’t your fault. Not your fault for being at the wrong time in the wrong place, for befriending someone more dangerous than they appeared to be, for trusting someone who hadn’t deserved such unconditional trust only a child could harbor.

Tears, wet and hot, rolled down your face, leaving trails on your already swollen and reddened face. At first, you tried to silence them in the hem of your jacket, but when you felt the tentative hand on your upper arm, stroking gently up and down and so  _ goddamn soothing _ , you threw yourself forward into Chie’s arms.

It felt better than to cry alone, with only the cold ground there to steady you. Not good, not at all. But  _ better _ .

A deep, resonating hum vibrated through Chie while she continued to stroke over your back and you continued to ruin her clothing with your terrified sobs and salty tears. No restraints held you back from snuggling closer to the inviting warmth you desperately craved, no borders of long-taught social standards and manners held you back from staining Chie’s clothing with your snot. What counted were the warmth and the unconditional care the brunette emitted, the endless understanding and the absolute support behind every wordless gesture.

Chie wouldn’t turn on you. Chie wouldn’t go back on her word. Chie wouldn’t do that, because she was loyal and friendly and  _ Chie. _

Your throat was raw and eyes nearly closed by the swelling of your extended crying when you felt empty enough to stop depending on Chie’s strength. Sluggishly, you loosened the embrace around your friend, wiped the last bits of disgusting snot and tears away and nodded once with weak determination.

“I’m finished.”

To your embarrassment, Chie shook her head, the understanding spark in her eyes burning you with her sympathy. “Not quite, I’m afraid. I want to know what happened. What’s wrong? Why the waterfalls?”

There were no more tears left to shed. Not more, not less. The breath hitching in your throat was quickly subsided and suppressed, the icy shiver of a dark premonition running over your back went by without a consequence and you swallowed thickly, before the words started to fall from your lips, slow but steady.

“It goes way back. Way, way back. Apparently, I met Tenzo before I “met” him and that was in my childhood…”

While you explained, the hoarse rasp of your voice vanished, the uncomfortable blocked nose became free again and your back straightened, until you found yourself leaning back into the cushions of the couch, both hands wrapped around the still warm porcelain of the now empty mug wrapping up the unlucky story how you fell twice for someone who tried to kill you back in the day.

“…after all of this,” you said and stared into the depths of the cup, “I never would’ve thought it would catch up to me again. I wanted to forget about everything, wanted to forget how the betrayal feels. Shoving everything as far away as I can. Too bad it came right back at me.”

Chie’s eyebrows had wandered higher and higher during your explanation. Her own tea was barely touched and probably ice cold by now, that enraptured the woman had been by your tale. With a little shake of her head, the brunette pulled herself back together and lifted the cup to her mouth, grimacing slightly when the cold drink touched her palate. “Okay. Okay, I think I get it. Tenzo was your childhood friend under a different name, who tried to kill you, right?”

“Yes.”

“And he made you fall for him twice?”

You gnawed at your lower lip. “I think so.”

“You think so? So, are you sure?”

“Not really.”

Chie waved dismissively. “Yeah, alright. That’s for later. But he tried to kill you, came back and wooed you until you confessed, he confessed back and when you told him you had a boyfriend all along, he comes right back at you and reveals his identity.” A yawn escaped her mouth and quickly, the brunette covered her wide-open lips with a single hand. “Sorry,” she mumbled and rubbed her eyes, “Long shift.”

“Coffee?”

“The one from hell, please.”

With a low grunt, you moved upwards. Your knees weren’t feeling weak, just like your body didn’t feel like you were riddled with a flu anymore. It felt better, lighter and a bit like the world wasn’t as dark and grey as before. Not much, but a little, tiny bit lighter.

A ray of sunshine, so to speak.

Only when you set your eyes on the broken coffee machine, the gaping hole in the shape of a kunai laughing at you, another cold shower rained down your back. Muted, still there, still disturbing. It reminded you of the morning the incident happened, the disheveled hair of Tenzo peeking over the armrest of the couch, the apologetic words and the nervousness radiating from the masked man.

How come that  _ this _ memory wasn’t tainted by the fear carrying through the years? He and Kinoe were the same, the same person under different names. He threw a kunai right past you; one miscalculation and Tenzo could have lodged the same knife which pierced through the metal of the coffee machine like nothing into your spine, killing you on the spot.

So, how come you weren’t feeling threatened when remembering the exact moment the kunai whizzed past you? Why not feeling angry when you realized you had to buy a new coffee machine?

“Oh.” When Chie’s hand landed on your shoulder and squeezed gently, you were still staring at the menacing hole. “I forgot about that. Guess it’s only hot chocolate for me.”

“Mhmm.” You hummed, still staring blindly at the coffee machine. Buying a new one was necessary. Only fair, only right in the face of the dim decision you made. Even though whatever mess it was between you and the ANBU, the relationship with Kiyoshi was dead and wouldn’t get back to life. It had been dead for some time and would stay buried, no matter what happened otherwise in your life.

It was the least you could do before being the most horrible person in his life, breaking up with Kiyoshi before he even fully set his bag on the ground of your shared flat.

A weak cough caught your attention and when you looked at Chie, her eyebrows were nearly dancing on her forehead, that fast she wiggled them with an almost gleeful expression on her face. “See? Telling me wasn’t too bad, right?”

You needed a second, before the realization clicked into your mind. A shallow nod was her answer, but that didn’t stop Chie from rambling on, while her quick fingers worked on distributing some cocoa powder she found in one of the drawers into your second favorite mug. “Geez, my legs are asleep. It certainly has been a long way for you to where you are now, that’s for sure. Evolving into a long-ass story.”

“Certainly.”

“Everything’s alright?”

“I think. Thanks.”

“No worries. Do you also want some hot cocoa?”

A little smile flashed over your face. “Yes, I think I would like that.”

Chie’s laugh was infectious enough to bring another, remaining smile to your lips. “Aah, I can hear it. You’re definitely feeling better than before. Told you so, talking about what’s troubling you is therapeutic to some point.”

“And the rest of the therapy?”

Sunlight filtered through the nearby window and met the simple golden band wrapped around her right ring finger as Chie dragged another cup closer and started to dump spoons of brown powder into the porcelain. “Ranting, if you like. A little walk outside. My hubby has some free time and his inspirational speeches may be overflowing with strange symbolism and metaphoric exclamations, but he’s pretty good at cheering people up. If you want to, you can even challenge him to something of your choice. Or finally teach him how to make coffee.”

The exasperated grimace on her face told more than any words could.

Leaning forward, you shoved the last bits of the dark clouds still looming in your mind away. Not far enough to forget, but just enough to ignore them for a bit. Maybe the forgetting-part would come along, too. “That bad?”

Chie jumped on the chance and you listened, enjoying with a satisfaction you nearly never experienced her rants about her Gai and the absolute horrendous coffee he would apparently make from time to time, exclaiming it was good to amp up her “youth”, whatever he meant with that.

Somewhere along the line, you found yourself with your legs tucked away underneath your body on the couch again, Chie sitting right beside you in a similar fashion. Both of you held your third round of hot chocolate and were on a good road to round number four, all the while giggling about the antics of the infamous copy ninja Kakashi Hatake, who disliked needles and regular check-ups so much that he tried to shorten his stays at the Konoha Hospital as soon as he wasn’t in the danger of bleeding out any longer.

“I swear,” the brunette threw her hands into the air, still minding the hot beverage in her grip, “if I ever find another ridiculous scarecrow he scraped together as a decoy in his place  _ again _ , I’m done. He should know better than this! I can easily make his life a living hell! I’m married to his best friend!”

“His loud and obnoxious best friend, you mean.”

“Yeah…” Then, to your inner turmoil, a mischievous shadow flashed over Chie’s features. “And he’s also loud elsewhere, if you know what I mean.”

Groaning, you let your head drop backwards. “It’s too early for bad, sexual innuendos. Come on, gimme a break.”

“There’s always a time for sexual innuendos,” Chie said proudly, “Especially for big and fat-! Okay, that’s even too raunchy for me. Scratch the last bit.”

“Already did. From my memory, it is.” You sighed lowly out.

Silence fell over you two. Just comfortable, friendly and supportive silence between friends.  _ Friends… _ Since you started working in the hospital, you didn’t have the time for any social contacts outside of work and even those casual bonds were not that tightly knotted to be really secured friendships. What Chie did for you today, however, catapulted her directly into that specific category.

The brunette snorted into her beverage. “Thank god. Wouldn’t want to taint my holy, saint-like image just because of that.” Another pause and this time, you just  _ knew _ she was up to say something you wouldn’t particularly like. And she did, her serious eyes serious and hands clamped around the mug that her knuckles turned slightly brighter.

“What are you going to do now?”

Yes. What now? A question so many people asked themselves. For seven years, you never bothered to even think about it. It had been painfully easy. Work, grocery shopping, talking to Kiyoshi, more work and even longer shifts, less talking to Kiyoshi and even less times where you and your boyfriend would indulge into something as simple as sex. Seven years of routine, seven years of the same day, playing over and over without you realizing.

“I will…” you drawled slowly, “I think I will take a few more days off and pack my stuff. And mentally prepare myself for Kiyoshi’s arrival. Have to look for a couch to surf on for the next week, just until I can find something else.”

Breaking up with Kiyoshi wouldn’t be easy. It would be an enormous change, a hurdle to overcome, but also a release. Even though Tenzo wasn’t an option, staying with Kiyoshi would do more harm in the end than leaving. It would be better for both of you, after a while of thinking and living with the changes.

“It won’t be easy, I’m aware of that. Everything. Transition period will be hard as hell. Growing accustomed to live alone again, shopping for myself, cooking for myself, being without someone I can rely on one hundred percent… So… Yeah, it won’t be easy.” You ended slowly and stared into the depths of your own mug. The smudges of chocolate which didn’t dissolve in the milk painted dark streaks on the ground and you intently followed the lines around the round of the porcelain.

Gently, Chie slid over the couch and nudged your shoulder with hers. When you glanced at the brunette, how she smiled brightly and looked so confident and secure at you, the dark clouds eased up and the hints of a sun seemed to filter through your mind. “Hey. I’m pretty confident Hatake won’t be out of the hospital for a little while and Gai and I have a free guest room with a comfy bed. If you want,” she gestured lightly, “you can stay with us. As long as you want, of course.”

What? Confused, you blinked. Once, twice, three times. Then, you cocked your head. “What?”

Chie giggled like a school girl announcing to her friends she would throw a sleepover party for the whole school and her parents wouldn’t be present. “I said, we have a free bed and space for you. Stay with my hubby and me for a while, just until you found a new flat. But be prepared, he often brings his students over for dinner, so it gets a little bit crammed sometimes and the meals are always pretty loud, but-!”

You didn’t break into a new flood of tears.  _ Proud that you kept the suspiciously salty liquid at bay.  _ You didn’t know what to say, to be completely honest. So instead of saying something missing the emotional mark for sure, you only leaned over and embraced Chie in a tight hug. Your chin rested on her shoulder, your arms were looped underneath hers and when you only nodded slowly, you could feel how the brunette - _ your friend-  _ returned the embrace with the gentleness of someone who was just as overthrown by wild emotions as you.

There was no need for a “thank you”, muffled in Chie’s slightly shaking shoulder. Not yet, at least. Later, when you really would be able to process what happened. Now, there was only space for the silent thankfulness you were only able to show with the almost desperate hug.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Five days. That was how much time was left before you had to face Kiyoshi. And you used these five days down to every minute. Packing your stuff into luggage, cleaning your shared home which wouldn’t be a home to you any longer, sorting things out you would throw away later on to avoid useless baggage to drag around. You kept yourself busy, exhausting your body that your restless mind would shut up in the night when you fell onto the bed which would be no longer yours when all of this would be over. But still. The dreams kept coming, sneaked up and hit when you were defenseless, in naps in between or deep in the night.

Sometimes, you couldn’t even remember properly what happened in the shadowy landscapes of your dreams. One second, you were dreaming and you were aware of that, the next second, you would stare at the dark ceiling and thought there was someone in the same space, watching you from the darkest corner of the room. You would sit up and rub your eyes, glaring into the darkness and waiting for someone to appear. But no body peeled itself from the shadows, no white mask blinked in the weakening moonlight, no bell ringing in your head.

Sometimes, you would remember your dreams and you always wished you wouldn’t. Mostly, you dreamed about the bloody fallout of your childhood, the very moment Kinoe slit your throat open with a dead expression on his features. Some other times, the dreams were a strange mix-up of the child Kinoe, who screamed and trashed in invisible binds, while an adult Tenzo held the kunai to your throat, obviously struggling to move even one muscle. And then, one time which was the clearest in your mind after all those nightmarish dreams, because it was so different from all the dark themes.

Tenzo lying on a wide field of grass. The green and brown of the earth, and nature around him complimented his own temperament, the color of his skin, accentuated the colorless uniform of an ANBU. He laughed wildly, the brown, shaggy hair mixing with the small, wild flowers and the arms spread to reach as far out as he could. To you, who watched from a point farther away and the warm, content feeling rising in your stomach, it was the epitome of happiness.

The one light dream out of all the dark ones was still clear before your vision when the morning of the fateful day creeped up on you. Anxiously, you dressed yourself in some semi-comfortable clothing. Most of your bags were already at Chie’s and Gai’s big house in the outskirts of Konoha, almost hugged by the forest and therefore, pleasantly familiar in terms of surrounded by green and nature. You would certainly enjoy spending your free hours when you wouldn’t be busy searching for a new home discovering the surroundings and taking some long, relaxed walks.

Like you hadn’t done in years.

One last time, you stood up from the bed you shared for seven years with Kiyoshi. One last time, you stripped your blanket and the pillow from the sheets. One last, goddamn time, you pulled open the fridge and looked inside it, deciding what to eat for this confrontation you weren’t prepared for  _ at all. _ When you came upwards with the milk, your eyes fell on the renewed, noticeably smaller coffee machine you got a few days ago. No hole, all blinking steel and fancy explanations the seller threw at you until you finally spent more money than you wanted on this thing. Sleek, slimmer than the one before and with a lot of functions you didn’t even try to understand.

Kiyoshi would like it for sure.

Absentmindedly, you went through the well-known motions of preparing the bowl of breakfast cereals and like so often during the last days, whenever your mind wasn’t completely occupied by a taxing task, your thoughts drifted elsewhere.

To Tenzo. To Kinoe. And to the scaring memory of the old man.

With the distance of a few days in between, you could look at the happenings a little bit calmer than before. Still, your heart pounded a little bit faster in your chest when thinking about Tenzo’s hands on your body. Not the good kind of heart pounding. Cold sweat broke out, tainted your back and palms and shivers ran down your spine faster than you could lower the milk back to the counter to sling your arms around yourself.

But it also wasn’t as strong as before, when you thought of him as another crazed, love-desperate ANBU, who flung himself on the next best nurse who showed only a hint of care.

Why? You had no idea. You should be even more scared now, knowing Tenzo had tried to kill you once and now knew where you lived, where you slept! He could easily come in one day when he finally decided to finish what he started all those years ago!

Well, that wouldn’t be a problem anymore when you moved only temporarily to Chie and Gai. For any other kind of trying to find out where you would live after that, Tenzo had to go to uncomfortable, official lengths and if he didn’t do that, the officials would find out. At least, you tried to tell that yourself.

_ He’s an ANBU. If he ever leaves any trace when searching for information on the unofficial way, he sucks at his job. _

_ That isn’t helping! _

_ And? It’s true. You know it. _

_ I have to be calm for Kiyoshi! If the first thing he sees when he comes home is a sobbing and mumbling girlfriend who screams into his face she fell in love with someone else but can’t be together with him, then he will be disturbed for sure! He will call for the hospital and ask if they will send me to the other patients with illusions and crazy tendencies! _

The issue wasn’t resolved at all and something deep in your mind told you that there would be a final confrontation between you and the ANBU. If deadly or not… Only time would tell.

You sighed deeply and started to eat. Despite the milk, the cereal felt like sand on your tongue, raw and scratching in your mouth. After you managed to choke three or four spoons down, you pushed the rest of your breakfast around and watched how the previously hard cereal softened and mashed together into a disgusting, wet mess.

Kiyoshi would come home today. Sometime, you had no idea when exactly. It could be now or in a few minutes, in a few hours or in the very evening, the moon long risen and clouds covering the stars…

A knock rapped through the flat. Hard and unforgiving.

Instantly, you shoot straight up. Iron was shoved into your spine, panic coiling in your stomach like a bundle of poisonous, dead snakes. Why was Kiyoshi already here!? Did they travel through the night?

Hastily, you combed through your hair, all the while the panic kindled into a cold, sick pressure. You felt like puking, you felt like breaking, you felt like  _ absolutely  _ not  _ opening that door _ , thank you very much with cherries on top. Before the entrance, you dried off your sweaty palms at your pants and swallowed hard. What would happen? Would Kiyoshi take it calmly, without a big fuzz? Or would you have to bear first some ridiculed stares, then unbelieving exclamations?

What would be the worst? What would make you feel even more miserable than currently? One last, reassuring inhale, then you shaking hand closed around the handle of the door. One  _ very last _ exhale and you slowly inched the entrance open, head lowered and not daring to look first into Kiyoshi’s hopeful eyes and averting the last “Welcome back”-kiss.  

“Okay, why the long face?” Chie shook her head, arms crossed over her chest. She was obviously on a tour of grocery shopping; big, fat bags stood at her feet, overloaded with different vegetables, fruits, boxes, packages and a little bouquet of flowers. Lilies of the Valley, if you had memorized the page about highly poisonous plants correctly. “Just wanted to check up on you. Everything alright?”

The last breath escaped your lungs and another one followed, releasing more and more of the tension in your stomach and shoulders. You slumped against the doorframe and wheezed once, before throwing a weak smile at your friend. “Thanks for that. But I had nearly a heart attack from that.”

“Nervous?”

“Only a tiny little bit?” A laugh escaped, high and shaking in your anxiety. “I’m even more nervous than in the minutes before my first night shift alone on the ANBU station.”

At that, the brunette snorted. “Okay, must be really bad then. Need some moral support until Kiyoshi arrives?”

“I don’t think so-!”

Steps in the staircase. Heavy, loud ones, like a person had to bear a load of bags and boxes to bring onto an upper level. Chie stared at you, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. The shock was clearly drawled all over her features, probably similar to your own expression.

Was that Kiyoshi? Was it really him? That early?

The steps edged closer and heavy exhales could be heard. Then, a frighteningly familiar jet-black crown of hair peeked over the rail of the stairs, closely followed by the features you knew for seven years and which brightened into a wide, almost blinding smile when they spotted you in the door, apparently waiting for him.

“(Y/N)!” Excitedly, the man climbed the last steps up to the floor. The dirt of the street was clinging to his clothes and over the month, he had lost his long hair. Single curls hung into his forehead and the longer strands fell into his neck, but nothing more. A backpack hung from one shoulder, the other hand was occupied with his duffel bag. He dropped the bag and ignoring Chie, brushed past your friend and embraced you in a tight hug before you could do more than blink. “The month was too long! I missed you so much!”

Paralyzed, you couldn’t do more than blink. You could only watch how Chie, a bit miffed she was ignored, grabbed her own bags and waved at you with a supportive and at the same time, resolute nod directed at Kiyoshi’s back, before descending the stairs like she lived in your house for seven years and not you.

You were on your own now. The blood rushed loudly in your ears as you wiggled carefully out of Kiyoshi’s tight embrace, like water fell from a high cliff and into a lake. You could hear nothing but the words which vibrated through your skull, formed by your own tongue and your own teeth, heavy and fateful.

Even Kiyoshi, the happy and cheerful blind and deaf person he was regarding conflict and tension, noticed the sudden change. His grin faded, the corners of his mouth fell and the eyes lost their excited sparkle while you fidgeted on the spot, kneading your hands into the edges of your shirt and staring at a point behind your boyfriend, wondering how you would survive the confrontation without breaking into tears.

“Kiyoshi? I’m sorry, but… Just… Just come in. I think we have to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another explanation time ^^ (which is probably not quite necessary, but I'm doing it anyway, just in case)  
> The MC struggles a lot with her feelings in this chapter. At one hand, Kinoe tried to kill her when they were kids. The trauma she carried with her since then formed her, made her who she is today. But now, she fell for Tenzo and rationally, she knows they are the same person. But feelings are a bitch and aren't that easily to detangle.   
> Therefore, the whole, long chapter about the realization and the care of Chie, because she and Gai will take a big part in MC's recovery (as some of you can probably already see). 
> 
> (And the fic grew even longer now, because this chapter grew out of proportions way too much (I didn't even realize I wrote fifteen pages for this, it certainly didn't feel like that much!) So, next chapter will be the break-up and we all are in for a ride, that much I can guarantee.)
> 
> See you all in two weeks ^^ Have a nice day :D


	9. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After seven years, you draw the line. It is enough, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Chisie, for reading and correcting and reacting like you do to this misery ;)

_The days in the hospital blended into each other. Day by day, you were watched over by the nurses and doctors, who checked the clean slit at your throat once per shift, but otherwise just dropped in to tell you about their everyday work; a topic you found yourself enjoying more and more with each shared story. Your parents also visited you every day, stayed far longer than the visiting times allowed and the nurses let them, seeing what your life-threatening injury did to them._

_Night by night, you would lay awake, restless and weary, staring at the ceiling with wide yet burning eyes and remembering the cold feeling of metal slicing through your skin, parting the flesh and nearly bringing you over death’s door.  Still, after days between the last meeting of Ki-! Of the former friend and yourself, you could recall the feeling like it just happened, in the very moment._

_Like he was right there in the room and still held the kunai to your throat, eyes dead and face unmoving._

_When you were allowed to go outside in the garden by an overly excited new nurse who had no idea what happened to you, you broke into tears. Outside meant the hospital garden. Hospital garden meant trees. Trees meant…_

_Panic flooded over your mind like a wave, resulting in a trembling bottom lip, tears rolling down your thinned face and a high whimper, similar to the one of a dog. Then, you didn’t remember how you ended there, you woke up to a nurse trying to explain to the head nurse why you were underneath the hospital bed, curled up into a small ball and crying silently into the hem of your gown._

_From that moment on, the new nurse was always trying to avoid you and no other nurse ever tried to approach you about going outside of the hospital. Instead, to maintain a physical exercise, they would allow you to go around the pediatric part of the hospital and watch their work, explaining this and that and all of their doings on the way. Enthralled to the very core, you would listen. These people saved your life. They saved lives on a daily base._

_You wanted to be like that too. No matter what. Thus, you soaked the random bits of wisdom up like a dry sponge, taking and taking and still craving for more, until even the new nurse stopped being careful around you and became one of your greatest fans in your attempt to properly clean the halfway healed wound at your neck. The day you managed to successfully wrap the bandage around your own neck again, she cheered alongside the rest of the staff, who all were apparently really invested into your recovery._

_Therefore, the day you had to leave the hospital was a blue one. It would be nice to return to your own room and your own bed, to have all your toys and other clothes than the hospital gowns. But still, after the eight weeks you spent with the same people who seemed to genuinely care about you, taught you things without hesitation and told so many interesting stories about their jobs, you simply didn’t want to leave._

_In secret, you swore to yourself to become a nurse. Those people were definitely admirable beyond your childish comprehension. They were awesome, dedicated to the needs of other people and did so willingly, even cared for a scared child with an ugly scar at her neck with all their heart and passion. You wanted to become one of them. You wanted to become unfazed when faced with terrible wounds and heart-ripping diseases, you wanted to give hope to the people by telling them everything would be alright, you wanted to become someone other people would look up to, just like you looked up to the nurses and doctors who saved your life._

_What you didn’t expect was the ominous feeling in your bones when you entered your room for the first time in months. There you stood, a plushie pressed to your chest, the bandage around your neck clean and safely secured, and didn’t dare to set a single foot into the room where Kinoe had visited you. It was like he was there, in the room, hiding in the shadows and watching still, with his black, deep eyes which once enchanted you and now scared you with their intensity._

_“Mom?” you asked and stared wide-eyed at the window, slightly ajar and the colorful curtains ruffling in the slight fall breeze coming from outside. “Can… Can I sleep with you and dad tonight?”_

_Maybe your mother understood with her maternal instincts. At last, her look softened noticeably and she stroked through your strands before ushering you into the kitchen again, cooking your favorite dish to celebrate your return to the household, while you tried to help with your short, chubby fingers as best as you could._

_It would take you weeks to sleep alone in your room. More months than you could count to not use a little sleeping light, illuminating and slashing through the surrounding darkness. Years until the nightmares and ultimately the memories started to fade into the back of your mind. The only thing which stayed with you was the deep, residing blind panic whenever you had to work with ANBU’s._

_They had the same dead, puppet-like eyes like Kinoe when he put the kunai to your neck._

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The metallic taste of blood filled your mouth when Kiyoshi entered the living room. His heavy duffel bag slung over his shoulder, your boyfriend looked around, like he expected a different sight and when he saw nothing out of the ordinary, the suspicion in his eyes grew only more apparent. Quickly, you released your bottom lip from the relentless grip of your teeth and swallowed the disturbing taste down.

“Do you want something to drink?” you asked, instead of brushing right past Kiyoshi in a blind flight. “Tea, maybe? Water?”

Again, he looked you up and down, seeing the twitching fingers and the nervous fidgeting. Then, Kiyoshi stared at you, like you were a stranger who stole the skin of his girlfriend, a skin-stealer of the worst kind. Trying to impersonate someone who was dear to him and failing spectacularly.  

“Water,” he said and let the duffel bag drop to the ground, “would be very nice.”

Everything, just to bring some distance in between yourself and Kiyoshi. With a positive mumble, you weaseled into the kitchen. Glass clanked against the metal of the sink as you filled it with water, the pipes slightly groaning.

Talking with Kiyoshi seemed impossible. Why again did you have to break up with him? It was a good relationship, it was fine to fall asleep beside someone who was only a friend for you. It wouldn’t hurt one bit. A good arrangement, nothing else. Being friends, living together, starting a family, marriage…

_Forever._

A cold shudder rained down your spine. No. Just, simply no. Sure, you weren’t filled by complete disgust as you imagined Kiyoshi trying to initiate some intimacy, but… It also didn’t feel _right_ , didn’t feel like years ago, overloaded with giddy excitement and crave for the other’s presence. Now, it seemed… terribly dull to even _try_ to bear Kiyoshi’s hands on your body, on your middle, inside you.

 

 _Not only that_ , you reminded yourself, _it’s not only that the sex is not like before._

Something was missing. Something essential, something which would be an anchor in bad times and a strong ground to build onto in good ones. Something Chie and Gai obviously had, something you missed without realizing you missed it.

Something you found once more in Tenzo, even though you tried to deny it wildly in the same second the unwanted thought crossed your mind. The security with Kiyoshi was gone. And it wouldn’t come back, no matter for how many nights and days you would spend and try to uphold the relationship for the sake of the long time spent together.

Time should never be a deciding factor to uphold something you weren’t a 100% committed to. And the commitment, as depressing as it sounded, couldn’t be guaranteed with your state of mind anymore, not when you realized what you missed greatly in the relationship with the black haired cook.

Love.

Your fingers stopped shaking when you stopped the flow of the water and the sweat at your palms dried when you carried the glass of water over into the living room. Kiyoshi still stood there and his eyes were set on the halfly filled cookie jar on the counter.

“You baked,” he said. Surprise was written all over his face. “You don’t bake.”

“Yes,” you answered calmly and handed him the glass, “I don’t.”

Ignoring the stunned silence, you sat down on the couch, folded your legs at the knees and waited. Only waited, until Kiyoshi, still flabbergasted and throwing glances of utter disbelief at you, settled down on the single armchair right in front of you.

“You don’t bake.” He exclaimed again, “You never did. And when you did, it would be something like bread.”

“That is correct.”

“For more than that, and I quote now, you don’t have the nerves.”

“Also correct.”

 

Your sudden calmness seemed to agitate him. A deep wrinkle between his eyebrows showed that as Kiyoshi sipped at his water, his deep eyes still fluttering over your figure like he searched for the change he could notice, but not pinpoint.

Kiyoshi settled the glass down, anxiety radiating from the man in harsh waves. “About what do you want to talk?”

“Would you be surprised if I say, I want to talk about our relationship?”

Silence fell like a blanket over the room, suffocating every other sound than the ragged breathing of Kiyoshi. Now, he knew what happened while he was gone. Now, he found the exact change in the room and according to the even further furrowed lines of his face, he didn’t like it one bit.

“Our relationship?” he echoed and tightened the hold around the glass, “Quite a heavy topic for someone who just returned from a one month of constant journey.”

You expected something like that. “It’s important,” you answered, “And I don’t think you want to wait with that specific topic either.”

“Babe, can’t we push that on tomorrow? I’m tired.”

“No. Now is the perfect time.”

“Just let me shower and eat a bite. Won’t hurt anyone.”

“You take hours in the shower. And to cook, because you want it to be perfect. It would be evening by the time you were finished.”

When had been your last fight? You couldn’t remember. Could Kiyoshi? You needed a few valuable seconds to remember the actual last time you fought a big, unreasonable clash of voices and arguments.

_Aaah. Now I know. Never._

Never. It was just row after row of conflictless and peaceful days. No argument except for the small quarrels about who could go first into the bathroom or what dinner should be. Nothing big, nothing meaningful. In retro perspective, even that faux peace tasted foul when you thought back. Like you two were even back then too afraid to address any real issue to avoid the big, ugly fight brewing under the surface.

 

And Kiyoshi could smell it too. His nose scrunched upwards and once more, his delicate yet calloused fingers around the glass tightened. For a second you feared it would burst, exploding by the sheer strength of his grip, but then you reminded yourself of the fact that he wasn’t a ninja nor anywhere close the inhuman, trained strength of one of them.

“Then now.” With a low sigh, the color returned to his fingers and he took another sip, even though the glass shook slightly. “What do you want to talk about so urgently that it can’t wait for a few hours?”

 _One last breath._ Air rushed into your lungs, before you licked your lips and opened your mouth, only for your tongue to form the last fateful words.

“I want to break up with you.”

Time stretched out into long seconds. Long seconds which turned into long minutes and they would’ve turned into long hours, if not for the weak ticking of a nearby clock. Then, Kiyoshi stood slowly up, muscles rigid and trembling slightly. You couldn’t read his face any longer, couldn’t read in his eyes anymore. There was nothing but blankness, nothing but empty understanding of the situation.

He sipped once more at the water, staring straight through you. His eyes didn’t see anything, didn’t get caught at an incarnate detail, they just… were lifeless. The foulness was back, spreading rapidly through your whole body and coating your tongue with a disgustingly, slimy layer, which nearly made you gag. He didn’t look like the Kiyoshi you knew throughout all those years any longer. He didn’t look like the boyfriend you woke up with a mug of coffee early in the morning, when your busy schedule allowed it. He didn’t look like the Kiyoshi with whom you shared bed, bath and bread with for seven, whole years.

Kiyoshi breathed in, blinked rapidly and the curtain before his eyes lifted. “You… You want to break up?”

His voice wasn’t betraying anything. Instinctively, your hands curled harder around each other, digging into the flesh of your palms. Even though it seemed like it, but Kiyoshi wasn’t completely at the point of really understanding your words and their intention. He was still gone, thus, you needed to carefully lead him there. Step by step, word for word.

 

“Yes,” you said and shifted in the cushions, “Yes. I’m sorry.”

“But…? Because of my work?”

“No, Kiyoshi. Your work never was a problem for me.”

“Because I left for a whole month, right? It must be that, I didn’t do anything wrong-!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong at all. It’s not the month you spent travelling with the daimyo, it’s not something you or I actively did.” Another deep breath in. _Just jumping off the cliff, no big deal._ “I-I just realized that this between us, that our relationship isn’t what it was before. Let’s face it, we don’t love each other romantically. Not anymore. Not your fault, not mine. I’m sorry.”

Kiyoshi was staring at you, eyes blown wide like saucers. His mouth opened, gaped open like a fish’s, closed, opened again. You waited for a response, a physical sign the man understood and processed properly what you wanted to say.

Kiyoshi always had been a peaceful and easy-going person. Only in the kitchen, his blood tended to boil high and he would bark orders, but he always would praise his staff afterwards and give them a pat on their backs. You watched that little ritual more than once, before your boyfriend would stroll over and went back to your shared home.

Therefore, you didn’t even realize at first how the glass shattered on the ground. Shards of glass zipped through the air, the last remains of water splattered around, while you could only blink and stare shell-shocked at the fuming man you thought you knew like the back of your hand.

“Stop saying _that_ ,” he hissed through his teeth, “stop fucking saying you’re sorry!”

You shoot upwards, facing his anger head on. “Why shouldn’t I tell that I am indeed sorry!?”

“Because I _know_ what it means, _I know_ you fell in love with someone else!”

You wanted to protest. You really, really did. The words were already crawling up your throat, ready to defend yourself from the accusation, when you suddenly halted and realized: You couldn’t.

 

Because it was true. You fell for someone. For Tenzo, even though the truth hurt more than anything else. Even though being with the ANBU was impossible after the happenings of the past, after the cruel and cold decision _he_ made such a long time ago. But was Tenzo - _Kinoe, you stupid woman-_ truly the reason for the rash decision to split a relatively good relationship up?

No. No, he and the developed feelings weren’t at fault. The decision had brewed for months underneath the surface. You had noticed and now, seeing the shattered glass and the puddle of water drying slowly in the carpet and remaining on the tiles, you knew Kiyoshi had noticed too. The slight lessening of intimacy, the low thrumming of dislike in the air, the small details only Kiyoshi would pick up and build into the bigger picture you had only seen when faced with your feelings for…

Before you could speak up, Kiyoshi went on, his voice rising and lowering like the tide and in his eyes an angry sparkle you couldn’t quite connect to the usually friendly and calm man he was. “I noticed, okay!? I noticed you weren’t with me, even though you would still be in the same room! I-I noticed, that you wouldn’t let me hug you anymore, only want kisses on your terms, only wanted to be close to me when you wanted and not when I wanted!” He swallowed audibly and lashed once more out, throwing his accusations around and hitting with each one too close for comfort. “I suspected for a while you had another man, but thought I could change your mind! I thought I could make you fall in love with me once more, to not make you leave me, to not-!”

“Woah!” You felt the anger boiling in your chest, hot and burning in your lungs. “What do you mean, you already thought I had someone else?”

Kiyoshi snarled out. “Please, (Y/N)! I didn’t come that far without some working brain cells! The late-night shifts in the hospital? The long shifts? Sometimes out of the blue, from one second to the other without a notice in advance? And then you returned all rumpled and sweaty and dirty-!”

 

“More than once I told you that the head nurse loves to switch up shifts!” From all the blind fury swirling inside of you, you couldn’t properly breathe anymore. One ragged breath in and this one intake of air got stuck until you shoved it out of your mouth, short and sharply hissing through the air. “More than once! And I’m all dirty and sweaty because I work with difficult ninjas who hate being too long in one room and I’m responsible for dragging them back into their beds with all my limited means! I wasn’t unfaithful for one fucking second!”

“But you have another one now!?” Kiyoshi screamed. Agitated, he stomped past the mess of water and glass and was suddenly right in your face. “Why do you lie to me? Why do you see the need to lie to me then!?”

Spittle flew from his lips. His eyes were squinted, wrinkles of anger forming all over his features, which made his face sharper and stranger than ever before. You couldn’t recognize the man before you any longer. You just couldn’t. This wasn’t the same gentle and stuttering boy who had come up to you and asked for a date, red in the face and the roundness of his cheeks showing off his age. No, this raging man before you was scaring you in a way no ANBU had ever done.

An ANBU was dangerous without a doubt. You knew, experienced it on your own. But you never expected any possible danger from Kiyoshi, never thought he could look like this. Instinctively, you tried to take a step back, but the couch was in the way. With a hollow thud, your foot met cushions, but Kiyoshi didn’t even notice that you tried to get away from him.

Instead, he ventured even further, closer into your personal space and the first beads of cold fear mixed into the cloud of anger in your stomach.

“Why do you lie to me?” he asked once more, voice low and hard. Black strands fell onto his forehead, only underlining the image of the crazed-out cook. “Tell me, (Y/N). Why do you still see the need to lie to me?”

“I never lied to you,” you whispered, “and I was never unfaithful. Sure, I fell for someone else, but only during the last month and I never even kissed him, not to talk about sharing a bed with him.”

 

Kiyoshi’s jaw tensed. “But you fell for someone. Fell in love.”

“Yes.”

“While I was gone?”

“Yes.”

“But you didn’t do anything with him?”

“No. I couldn’t.” You answered weakly.

The cook gritted his teeth. “Because…?”

“Because I know what’s right and wrong. And even though it was wrong to fall in love with someone else, I’m not that wretched to sleep with someone while we are still together. There’s still some kind of responsibility and dignity inside of me.”

Kiyoshi continued to stare into your eyes, glared and searched for something only he knew about, while you could only stare back and plead to whatever deity was responsible for scared women to protect you from any harm. Stomach twisted into a tight knot, you waited and bated your breath, counting down the seconds which soon turned to minutes and Kiyoshi was still staring at you, still searching, still calculating…

With every passing moment, your heart pounded louder. With every passing second, your thoughts came up with ridiculous scenarios, one more fantastic than the other. And with every passing, fleeting blink of an eye, you wished strangely enough for Tenzo’s calm presence. His warmth, his collected demeanor, his relaxed words and the presence of nature he carried with him everywhere the man went. The natural, earthy scent surrounding him, the steady fingers, ruffling his spiky brown hair up, the white mask hanging by his side, the black eyes curled into a weak yet incredibly happy smile.

_Just an illusion. Nothing else. It’s Kinoe, not Tenzo._

Still, you wished for a second person in the room. For someone who was strong; stronger than you. Calm, definitely calmer than you. And for someone who supported you in this heavy and difficult decision, who stood behind you and knew that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

Nothing was ever easy. It was life, you realized and braced yourself for more harsh words when Kiyoshi’s eyes cleared up, life in its most common form.

 

Then, after far too long minutes, the man lowered his head. His previously tense muscles went slack and with a trembling exhale, he crumbled into the couch, folding into himself and appearing smaller than you ever saw him. Hiding his face in his hands, Kiyoshi’s shoulders trembled and the first muffled words drifted through the air.

“Seven years. _Seven years, (Y/N)._ I thought-I-I thought I could fix this. I thought _we_ could fix this.”

A heavy exhale left your mouth and your own shoulders slumped down in badly hidden relief. Finally, the atmosphere changed. Kiyoshi noticed you were sincere and honest. Admitting to your mistake of falling for another man hadn’t been easy, but you stood your ground, appearing calm and steadfast and like this, the male forced himself to believe you.

Off to the next stage.

Carefully, you walked over to the armchair Kiyoshi had occupied before. But you kept standing. Your knees were shaking, felt like jelly and you feared if you would sit down that you would never be able to stand up again. Instead, a single hand stroked over the smooth material of the backrest of the armchair, all the while you tried to find the right words to find a good start for a long-needed explanation.

“I wasn’t even aware of it, you know?” You winced a little at the obvious weakness of the words, but kept on pushing, slow and steady, your voice trembling only the tiniest bit from the earlier tension. “Wasn’t even aware I had fallen out of love. I needed the time you were gone to realize what happened. I thought only there was something missing and that the time away from each other would help distinguish what it was. And it did.”

Kiyoshi didn’t seem to listen at all. His eyes were locked on his feet, his hands were wrangled into each other and he kept on staring down when you continued, your own hands covered in cold sweat and knees still strangely weak. “The time we were together doesn’t matter. Sure, it was a long time, but are you really ready to continue a relationship in which you aren’t in love? Because you deserve someone who loves you and not someone like me who just bears your hugs and kisses. You’re a good guy, Kiyoshi and I don’t regret being with you, not one bit. It… It just doesn’t work out anymore, now that I’m awake.”

 

No reaction whatsoever. With a distant fear in your stomach, you pressed on. “I fell for someone else, yes. But that isn’t the reason, it was a symptom. Not that it matters, actually. There’s no way I could be with him, not after… Doesn’t matter. The point is that… we’re simply not in love anymore. Or at least, I’m not. And you deserve so much better than a loveless relationship. You deserve more than an uncaring girlfriend who will eventually resent you for simply… being _weak_ to not have left when the chance was there to end everything relatively friendly.”

Helpless beyond imagination, you stood in the middle of the living room you shared with Kiyoshi for the last five years, fiddling with your fingers and the hems of your shirt. You were blind in this situation, lost like a ship on the ocean with no sense of direction and no idea how to get out of there. The only thing you could actually do was pressing forward in a weak, trembling voice, unsure of everything you said and only able to pray you could get your point across without him taking it the wrong way. “You said you wanted to fix us. But there’s nothing to fix, not anymore. Maybe there was at some point, but we missed it. Missed it maybe a few months ago, maybe a few years ago. I won’t say I’m not at fault for being blissfully blind and ignorant, for being not there when needed, for falling for someone I shouldn’t have fallen for. And I’m sorry that you think you’re at fault, because that’s not true. Nobody is at fault. We were just…” You shrugged weakly. “We were just too late.”

Kiyoshi shook his head. “Too late?” he whispered. More to himself than to you, more to his jacket at which he nestled. His hands slipped into the insides, searching for something and when he pulled his hand back, your heart stopped.

A small casket, barely big enough to fit into the palm of his calloused hand. And you knew what was in there. Instinctively, you realized what Kiyoshi had tried to do with this gesture, even though it had been the worst move from all he could have chosen.

 

“Too late?” he repeated and after all the time he couldn’t look you in the eye, Kiyoshi raised his head and met your look. “Is it really too late? For us?” He raised the casket higher into the air, helpless, desperate hope shining out of his face. “Can’t we start over now, knowing what we did wrong? Can’t we try again?”

He wanted to open the small casket, wanted to show you what was inside, but you stopped him with a resolute, sharp gesture of your hand before even a sliver of the ring could glisten under the sunlight. “No. No, Kiyoshi. I get you’re scared. Hell, I’m scared too. But it’s better to make a clean cut here, where it won’t involve more people than necessary. Just… Just know I hope that we can still be friends afterwards. I don’t want you to… To hate me. Because I still like you as a friend.”

The casket cluttered to the ground. And really, it sprung open and a golden ring rolled out. Your eyes were instantly locked on it, as the ring jumped and stumbled over the ground, the small diamond merged into the gold hindering its movement. Like a cruel reminder what could’ve been, the ring came into your direction, only to slow down and ultimately stop in the middle between Kiyoshi, who buried his face in his hands and yourself.

So much could’ve been if you just shut your mouth. So much could’ve happened. You could see it all before your inner eye. A wedding, a nice but slightly itchy wedding kimono, a brightly smiling Kiyoshi in a festive kimono himself and the same ring stuck to your finger as a promise. Moving sometime into a new house, getting carried over the threshold by the cook, laughing and the hand with the ring slightly heavier than the other one. Bearing a child for nine long months, the ring becoming heavier and heavier with each passing day. The first audible fights and your little child in the middle of it, while your ring became the ultimate sign of the cage your marriage was. The ugliest fight of all, with screaming, hateful words and flying books through the air, the ring thrown to Kiyoshi’s feet when you left for good. Meant to hurt the other, meant to destroy the other, meant to break everything apart which should’ve been broken so many years ago.

Slowly, you bent over to pick the ring up. The metal was cold in your sweaty palm as you tiptoed over to Kiyoshi, peeled a hand away from his face and dropped the ring in his hand. “Take it,” you said and the tears in your eyes burned terribly, before you closed his fingers around the accessory. “Take it and keep it. For someone who deserves the love you have to give.”

 

Kiyoshi desperately shook his head. The sound of his weak crying echoed terribly in your ears.

_I did this to him. I broke him._

_I broke him apart. And now I leave, leave him alone to pick up the pieces of his destroyed heart and soul._

You were able to bring out a last, dim “I’m sorry”, before you stumbled away. The bag you packed a few hours ago was waiting in the bedroom, in the terribly, _terribly_ empty bedroom. Hastily, you stumbled over and pulled the bag into your arms, before you turned.

Your breath wrecked through your chest and sobs bubbled up, but you bit into your bottom lip until you could taste blood. Yes, you did this. You decided to end it, what was without a doubt the right decision. But now, you had to live with this decision forever. Maybe you would never get over it. And maybe, only maybe, when the currently right decision proved to be a wrong one all along, you would regret everything you had ever done.

But right here, right now, in the present, it was the right decision.

That didn’t mean it didn’t tear your heart into pieces.

Through the blurry vision, you could barely see the entrance door and even less of the faint shadow standing in the opening to the living room.

“You’re going?” Kiyoshi’s voice betrayed that he was crying just as much as you did. Hoarse, weak and cracking at the end, disbelieving of the fact that you emptied your shared flat of all of your worldly possessions. He took a step forward. “Where are you going? Do you have a place to stay?”

“At a friend’s house.” Only a small stumble over the word “friend” disemboweled the simple statement into the fearful retreatment of the scaredy-cat you were. “She wants to have me until I found something.”

Kiyoshi nodded slowly. Tears streamed down his face, but with a determined swipe of his arm, the liquid vanished in the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “Alright,” he said, “alright. So, that’s it.”

 

The fact he didn’t fight any longer against your lonely decision told more about the state of your relationship than his earlier, weak struggle. Deep inside, Kiyoshi had seen it coming. He had seen it and prepared some weapons; arguments and a ring to tie you two together. But at the same time, he already gave up, curled himself into a small ball like a scared rabbit, waiting until the storm was over.

A shaky nod was everything you could muster. Your fingers clutched into the soft fabric of your bag in which the last, most important items of your life were stored. Some mementos without any value, official documents and small nick-nacks you had found last minute. Nothing was left behind.

It was almost like your life with Kiyoshi had never existed. Like you never spent seven years with the cook, who had his head hanging low, the trimmed hair hanging into his face and hiding the still dripping eyes.

You opened your mouth for another begging to understand, for another apology, but before even the first apology could roll of your tongue, Kiyoshi raised his hand and your mouth fell closed again. “I don’t need another apology. Just… Just allow me one question.”

Seconds passed by, tense and filled with the melancholy of the man. When he was strong enough to raise his eyes, Kiyoshi seemed to look like through you, before his vision focused on your pale and sunken features.

“Is he a good man?” he asked.

The shiver of cold fear rained down your back and tingled in all four of your limbs. You didn’t expect Kiyoshi to ask _at all_ about his rivalry, thus, you were caught ice-cold by the question. Then, the words started to settle in. Was Tenzo a good man? What was he, exactly to you? Was he good? Was he bad? Something in between?

“I don’t know.” you whispered. Because that was the naked truth.

Kiyoshi looked full of dimmed sympathy up. “Then, I hope you find whatever you were looking for with him.” With a tired gesture, he turned around and left you on your own, while the first slight slivers of doubts started to creep into your brain.

 

When you left, the sun was still high on the sky. It wasn’t even noon yet and you already felt exhausted like you had a day-long shift at the hospital in the emergency room. Stumbling and sniffling, you carried your last bag through Konoha, not caring how many people saw your deranged state. Your hair was a mess, your clothes were a mess, your entire being was a mess. You had no idea how you managed to make your way to Chie’s and Gai’s house. Somehow, apparently. When your brain wasn’t muddled with the suppressing doubt and the cruel reminders how much easier your life would be if you hadn’t noticed the missing of love in your relationship, you found yourself on the doorstep of the friendly, small house. From the inside, you could hear the booming voice of the green-loving ninja and Chie’s soft remarks. There was also the enticing scent of a freshly cooked, hot meal in the air and unconsciously, you breathed deeply in.

In the fall sun, the house looked so cozy and warm that another layer of sadness faded away. A real house, a real _home_ , sanctuary for those who had no other place to go and for those who wanted to escape their depressing situation for a few, stolen hours. And the doors were open for you. Chie promised that with a wide smile on her face.

For another moment, you lingered on the doorstep, before you found enough courage to knock at the wooden door. Three knocks, heavy and deliberate. Almost in the same second, the voices you could hear faintly from the inside fell silent. Then, hasty steps came closer and before you even realized what happened, Chie slung her arms around you.

“It was right what you did,” she mumbled into your shoulder, “Even though Kiyoshi was nice and loved you. It hadn’t been fair to make him suffer by staying with him. For both of you.”

“You truly think it was the right thing to do?” you asked and the sudden, irrational panic that Chie would change her opinion from one second to the next overwhelmed your mind.

But she nodded. Nodded simply into your shirt and continued to hug and stroke over your back when you also put your arms around her, encasing her in a bear hug while new tears fell from your eyes and were soaked up by her sweater.

 

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He shouldn’t be here. He really, really shouldn’t be here. He really shouldn’t be here, in the tree right across the street of the flat where the one and only person he would probably ever love had to fight a fierce battle. Tenzo could feel the acid bubbling in his stomach and crawling slowly upwards as he stared at the windows which had accepted him over the last four weeks for so many times with a warm welcome. Now, they were tightly locked, sealed by the fear of the woman who…

With a sigh, the man let his head fall forward. The woman who confessed her love to him, only to shy away as soon as she knew what he did to her.

No real shock. Deep down, he had known. Deep down, Tenzo had known (Y/N) would react like this, be scared and flinch away as soon as she realized that the hands she held with love and affection once held a kunai to her neck and spilled her blood.

His hands in the black leather gloves tightened. He should’ve known and expected it. Being a ninja meant to be prepared for everything, but for some reason, his weak and faltering heart had shaken its head and closed off its ears as soon as even the slightest chance of being completely and outright rejected.

_Not rejected. Denied. Closed off. Deemed worthless._

The old bitterness rose in his chest, choking and throttling Tenzo effectively. He had to close his eyes for a moment, concentrate on the energy of nature pulsing around him. Right through the tree underneath his feet, through the earth a bit farther away, through the air surrounding him. Only when the foul emotion lost its sharpness, he could breathe freely again and look at the windows of the only thing close to a home he would ever have.

And even here, nobody wanted him. Nobody wanted him, again.

A sigh dropped from his masked lips, before Tenzo leaned back into the rough bark of the tree. No use thinking about his depressing childhood. No use thinking about the only ray of sunlight in the darkness from back then. The past was in the past, what had been done couldn’t be undone and he had to live with his bad decisions just as much as any other person had to.

 

Instead, he tried to focus his mind and hearing on the present, or, more namely, the inside of the apartment right in front of his eyes. (Y/N) was in there and he had spotted the face which smiled from the few pictures inside the flat, at the gates of Konoha when Tenzo passed by, wearing the dirty dust of a sandy street.

A strange wave rose in Yamato, one he hadn’t experienced yet and still could identify. Over the years, there were many kinds of feelings washing over him, but this one was entirely new. _Jealousy._ Tenzo grimaced, his hand clawing into his chest plate until the leather squeaked silently. Only then, he let go of his armor and glared at his slightly hurting hand. Most days, Tenzo was glad for the rescue out of the fangs of the ROOT and the tank he had considered his only safe place. The world was vast and wide, the bright sunlight too nice on his skin to not be glad to be free. But sometimes _-like now-_ the feelings overwhelmed him because of his education as a tool in the hands of the village. Especially new ones and _especially_ bad ones.

Voices filtered into his dark thoughts and quickly Tenzo looked again into the living room. (Y/N) fiddled with her hands, fingers entangled into each other and Kiyoshi drunk from a cup of water, his dark eyes set on the figure of the nervous woman. From his position, Tenzo could barely hear the voices of the people over the noise of the street.

_“I want to break up with you.”_

_“You… You want to break up?”_

_“Yes. Yes. I’m sorry.”_

_“But…? Because of my work?”_

_“No, Kiyoshi. Your work never was a problem for me.”_

_“Because I left for a whole month, right? It must be that, I didn’t do anything wrong-!”_

_“You didn’t do anything wrong at all. It’s not the month you spent travelling with the daimyo, it’s not something you or I actively did.”_

 

Tenzo shuffled in his spot and the branch on which he sat moved oh so slightly. He could feel the tension rising in the room, becoming heavier and definitely more dangerous. Dangerous for (Y/N). Out of instinct, Tenzo reached out to the kunai holster at his thigh. He was ready to defend her from a possible attack. If Kiyoshi snapped, he would go in and save (Y/N), if she wanted or not.

(She endured too much. And this time, he would save her for good and not let her nearly die, not let her nearly bleed out on the cold forest ground because it seemed like the only option. This time, he would definitely save (Y/N) from any harm.)

When the glass shattered and (Y/N) flinched, Tenzo was so close to flinging himself from the tree, into the flat. Right through the closed window. But he waited and preyed, and was rewarded with a relaxation of the situation. At first, it didn’t look like it, but then (Y/N) managed to calm Kiyoshi down with her words and gestures.

Tenzo tried to avoid it, but whenever he only slightly glanced at the woman, his heart started to act against its natural order. Beating faster in his chest, blood rushing through his ears and a certain heat crawling through his entire body. Absent-mindedly, he rubbed the spot where his heart beat, while his eyes were trained at the first friend and love interest he ever had. The other hand was still scratching over the holster at his thigh, ready to throw a kunai to protect someone dear to him.

But (Y/N) didn’t need his help. Tenzo’s heart bloomed while he watched how she defended herself gently, with words and gestures and explanations, calming her boyfriend to the point where she could reason with him again.

 

But the high feeling wouldn’t last. Tenzo listened to the conversation which followed and he froze when he had to listen to something which he wasn’t supposed to hear at all.

_“I fell for someone else, yes. But that isn’t the reason, it was a symptom. Not that it matters, actually. There’s no way I could be with him, not after… Doesn’t matter.”_

_“I won’t say I’m not at fault for being blissfully blind and ignorant, for being not there when needed, for falling for someone I shouldn’t have fallen for.”_

It was like someone punched him right in the guts. Suddenly, breathing became too hard, air became too cold, the wind blowing around his bare shoulders too harsh. She didn’t want him. She didn’t want him, didn’t see a little chance for him and her, maybe in the far, far future, when he wouldn’t be part of ANBU anymore and she could accept him somehow. (Y/N) said it loud and clear. Tenzo tried to close off his ears and heart, but then the worst of all exclamations came and the only thing he had left to escape the pain in his very being was to teleport himself into the nearby forest, running and running through the trees until the man would collapse from the exhaustion.

_“Is he a good man?”_

A little pause, and stillness. The silence said more than a thousand words could.

_“I don’t know.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time, the explanation will be for Tenzo. (Finally, a little snippet with him.)   
> Even though the MC was scared of him, I see Tenzo as the kind of man who will allow some distance and give his love interest enough space to breathe and come clear with their own thoughts before he owuld try to apologize or talk to them again. Therefore, the stalking out of the trees.   
> But due to his childhood, where Danzo trained him to be the perfect soldier, only liked and praised for his wood release, I think Tenzo can be pretty allergic to phrases which indicate the other person thinks denies him every human right to closeness and emotional security. He perfectly knows what he wants and needs and currently, the MC can't give it to him, no matter how much he wants her to be able to.


	10. Comforting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After breaking-up with Kiyoshi, the last thing you want to do is talking about the matter at hand. Too bad nobody told Gai about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! Oh god, sorry for the late chapter! The only excuse that I have is that I moved for a year to another country and the preparations (packing, organizing all the surrounding stuff and the flight itself) took too much time to write the next chapter. But now, I managed to finish it and I also hope it makes up for the longer pause >-<
> 
> Again, I'm so sorry!

_ He never wanted to do this. Never had he wanted to hurt her, never wanted to slice her neck like he sliced the neck of so many animals. And yet, it had been so easy. Terribly, horribly easy, like drawing lines with a hot knife into butter. The boy whose name was currently Kinoe stared at his bloodied finger tips in the darkness of his small chamber. Only a small candle was cutting through the darkness, but even that light would diminish soon. _

_ Then, Kinoe would sit in the darkness. All alone, like always. _

_ No, not like always. The painful tug at his heart into the direction of their clearing made the boy grimace. With (Y/N), he had a friend. His best friend. One who had accepted him even with his strange powers, one who didn’t mind his obviously missing knowledge about games and other things normal children could do, one who was always understanding and always smiling. _

_ So unlike all the other people Kinoe knew. All the children did in Root was train and hurt each other. (Y/N) apologized when she thought she hurt him, tears standing in her eyes and ready to be ashamed of her rowdy actions, which didn’t hurt the boy one bit. In Root, there were no apologies. Only more training and more pain. _

_ Was it that bad that he met a person outside of Root? The boy didn’t know anymore. Danzo-sama said personal connections were bad and right now, he felt pretty bad. But not because of (Y/N). He always felt good when he was with her. A strange tingle in his stomach, warmth rising in his whole body, lightness swirling through his chest. Nothing of that felt bad, just good and right. Good and right, like (Y/N). _

_ But what he did, even though it was to save her from Danzo-sama, that was definitely bad. Slicing her throat wasn’t good, wasn’t nice, wasn’t welcomed like all his other strange habits. The boy gulped the tears down when he recalled the desperate beggings to let her go and the callings of a name which was supposed to be his, but didn’t feel comfortable. Not anymore, not any longer. Not after Kinoe hurt (Y/N). _

_ The boy clung to the little hope of his own hasty plan. He prayed Danzo-sama hadn’t noticed that he didn’t cut deep enough to kill the girl on the spot. He prayed for the girl to survive the blood loss and be found in time. He prayed that her parents knew where the clearing was. _

_ His clone didn’t have enough time to explain everything. Just a knock at the wooden door and a quick “(Y/N) is dying!” before the boy cut the connection to the wooden puppet. Otherwise, Danzo-sama would’ve noticed something. _

_ All the blood. He never felt this hopeless before as he saw all the red spilling on the happy green of the grass. The boy buried his face in his hands, so close to crying that the tears were already dwelling in his eyes. The lifeless body of his friend, collapsing and crumbling, hitting the ground. And Danzo-sama’s voice, hoarse, and already turned to walk away. _

_ “It is better this way. Otherwise, she would’ve become a hindrance to your training.” _

_ (He didn’t think that way. No, (Y/N) had made him feel stronger, more important than ever before.) _

_ “Shinobi are nothing but tools in the hands of their village. Your village is Konohagakure and you only serve Konohagakure. No emotion, no disturbance.” _

_ (He didn’t want to be a tool. He wanted to play with (Y/N), wanted to skip stones and give her more flowers. He wanted to lie beneath the stars with her and tell more and more stories. He wanted to hold her hand again, wanted to hug her and tell her that she was more than a friend to him.) _

_ “In the future, you will thank me for this. Now come. Your training is waiting.” _

_ (No. Training wasn’t waiting. Training was simply there, existed for the sole purposes to create more dedicated shinobi. The boy didn’t want that. He wanted (Y/N). Wanted a friend, more than anything in the world. Wanted her waiting for him, on their clearing, a wide smile on her face and sparkles in her eyes.) _

_ But those times were gone. He wouldn’t get what he wanted. _

_ With a heavy heart, the boy closed his eyes. The light of the candle flickered, only to be swallowed by the darkness. With a low sob, he threw himself on the bed and muffled the following broken murmurs in his arms, until he was certain no one else would hear his wails. _

_ He was alone. And he would always be alone. Nothing would change and (Y/N) would hate him. _

_ He lost his only friend in the world and it was his fault alone. _

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The scent of a delicious meal whiffed into the entrance area as you stepped inside. With wide yet teary eyes, you couldn’t help yourself but to admire the neat and comfortable home, with all the small details which differentiated a house from a real home. There were dirty shoes right beside the entrance door, covered in mud and sand, placed on a newspaper to avoid dirtying the obviously well-cared and worn-out floor. The hallway opened directly into a wide living room, pictures of an obviously happy couple laughing from the walls. The woman was Chie and on each and every photo, she radiated joy and contentment, just as much as the man beside her, slung around her, carrying the smaller woman piggyback-style around. A couch, wide, gigantic and probably able to carry a mammoth with ease took most of the space. Pillows were sprawled over the surface, you could also count at least three blankets tangled into each other. From your point of view, you could sneak a little peek of the garden and the used training posts barely covered by the shadows of the nearby trees. Then, the scent of cooked food became stronger and a voluminous, booming voice echoed through the hallway. “My sweet, youthful flower! Is it your most appreciated, dear friend who rang the doorbell?”

“Yes!” In your behind, Chie closed the door and tugged her sweater back into its rightful place with light fingers. With a little smile on her face, she guided you deeper into her house, all the while speaking to her mysterious husband. “And remember what we talked about?”

Saddened silence, then the same booming voice answered, only less booming and noticeably weaker. “No offering of a training suit.”

“Exactly.”

The talk seemed like they both had argued a lot about this, with Chie winning in the end by default. But from the apparent disappointment of the mysterious Gai to not be able to offer one of his also mysterious training suits was nothing present when he rounded the corner, a big, white apron with a distinctive handwriting “Kiss the cook” scrawled across his wide chest. Someone had added with a poisonous green thread the single word “youthful” right over the space between the last two words.

Otherwise, Gai looked entirely different than the average shinobi or like you pictured a seasoned jonin. Everything about the man was unusual, from his black, shiny bowl cut over the tight, green spandex suit he wore underneath the apron, the bright orange leg warmers adorning his muscular legs, to the big, beaming smile which almost blinded you with the sheer  _ whiteness  _ of his teeth.

In a good way. Definitely in a good way unusual.

Without minding that you basically stood beside them, Gai picked Chie up and twirled her around like a carousel, safely secured by his big, strong arms, laughing while he did so. “My beautiful flower! I missed you!”

Chie however minded your presence. A flash of red tainted her cheeks as she glanced at you, only to weakly nudge her husband into his shoulder. “Silly, I was only gone for two minutes at max. You had no time to miss me.”

Gai laughed again, twirled one last time around, only to settle Chie again onto her own two feet. Both were a little bit breathless, even though you doubted the shinobi was out of shape.

_ Scratch that. He is a goddamn trunk. _

The green spandex didn’t leave anything to the imagination and you were kind of thankful the apron was in the way to block your eyes from catching sight of some… lower areas of the man than you wanted.

After the hard decision of today and with the hollow, deep hole in your stomach, your fears of elite ninjas were the last thing on your mind right now. Like that, you reached out your hand towards Gai, even managing to form a pitiful and hopefully nice smile. “Hello, nice to meet you. My name is (Y/N) (L/N) and I’m a coworker of Chie here.”

Gai zoomed in on you and if that was even possible, his already huge smile became even brighter and wider. “So, you’re the famous (L/N)-san my lovely flower speaks so highly of! A friend of hers is a friend of mine!” With that, the strong man yanked you forward and into his strong, bulking arms, crushing nearly your spine with his bear-like strength and his enthusiasm.

You couldn’t bring yourself to care. In fact, it was nice to be welcomed so warmly and you accepted the slight pain in your back with a little grin, until Chie decided to graciously save you from the death grip her husband had on you. Gentle hands pried the enthusiastic ones away from your body and when the brunette reprimanded Gai with a little, hissed tease into his ear, you were released.

“I also said, no hugging to death. Last time I brought someone home, she had a bruise the next day.”

“But my youthful flower…!”

“Oh no! Not the begging puppy-eyes! Come on, lunch is waiting and your team also wanted to stop by, am I right?” Despite her hard tone, Chie couldn’t suppress a grin at the sight of her silly, happy husband, who was indeed making the biggest, most teary-eyed puppy-eyes you had ever seen on someone.

They changed though when the word “team” crossed her lips.

“Right!” Immediately, the blackhead struck a pose, incredibly white teeth blinking in the sunlight of the midday. “My extra-spicy curry! A good curry is the foundation for a good, long and youthful training and for my students, I will definitely take the extra step and make it  _ extra _ spicy! They will be filled to the brim with the power of YOUTH!”

“Don’t worry,” Chie whispered as soon as the wind Gai created when he stormed back into the kitchen died down, “I also cooked some not so spicy food. Just in case.”

You leaned further in. “Is it that bad?”

“Let’s say it like this. Gai’s curry burns three times. Once when you eat it, once it gets out and once in the eyes of the poor man who has to clean out the gutters afterwards.”

Laughter bubbled in your chest, bounced against your ribs and tried to escape. But the only motion you managed was a quick twitch of your lips and a little snort at the without a doubt a bit harsh comment. On top of that, you were pretty sure the shinobi heard the little remark about his lunch. Still, he was beaming brightly when you two entered the kitchen, in his big, strong hand a wooden spoon which he dumped in a big, fat pot on the stove. Twirling the spoon around with the careless elegance only elite shinobi showed, he beamed at you.

_ Uh-oh. Somehow, I have a bad feeling about this… _

“How was your day so far, (Y/N)-san? Surely, at this nice fall-day, you spent your time-!”

Yes, just like you thought. Your heart dropped and froze, an icy block weakly pounding right beneath your ribs. For sure, Gai didn’t mean to upset you. Maybe he just forgot with the happy not-knowing of a married man, or maybe Chie didn’t even tell him. After all, she was your friend and maybe also thought it wasn’t her story to tell.

_ Yeah, that must be it. _

One glance at the brunette, who bit her lower lip with the worry wrinkling her forehead and your suspicions were met. Chie didn’t tell anything to Gai. She had wanted to shelter you a bit in her home, shield you from being coddled and overly sympathized. Without a doubt, Gai would be loud and talkative about a break-up or any other life-changing things.

Your stomach tumbled, tightened, hardened only to weigh you down into the depths of your memories. How devastated Kiyoshi looked when you told him our relationship would end today. How his voice broke more and more with every word. How silent and yet loud the impact of the small casket on the ground had been.

“Oh, today was…”

The hollow silence. The terrible, hollow silence. A defeated glance, then Kiyoshi had looked back at his feet, beaten down by your words and actions and by your admission of falling in love with someone else.

“Today was…” You tried again, but the words still rebelled. They flew back into your lungs, choking and throttling you, while Gai and Chie waited, one of them with a slowly diminishing smile and the other with growing panic on her face. In the back of your mind, you were aware of the small gestures the woman made to her husband. A quick cutting-off motion, little grimaces and a little ‘tsk’ in combination of a short jerk of her head into your direction. Obviously, she tried to communicate to not, under  _ no circumstance _ , ask for more information or any kind of description what exactly you did today.

Strangely, your eyes stayed dry. No, it was only the feeling of crying looming over your head like dark clouds. The heaviness of the heart, the tightening of your lungs, the ache in your fingers. It all came back, without the damn waterfalls.

Your mouth opened and closed a few more times and you knew you must look like a dumb goldfish. “I think,” you said after a few more minutes and looked straight at Gai, whose smile vanished to be replaced by a clueless frown, “I think it was a good day until now. Yeah. Excuse me, I’m looking at your garden for a bit, it just looks lovely from here. Do you mind?”

Before one of them actually could answer, you already headed for the backdoor. Some fresh air and the nice fall-breeze tangling in your hair sounded actually like a  _ really _ good idea right now.

You threw an apologetic glance at Chie, before quickly stepping outside and closing the door. Apparently, your co-worker had some things to explain to Gai or you had to do it. You had no clue which result you would prefer, actually.

_ For today, _ you decided and closed your tired eyes,  _ for today, I talked enough. Explained enough. _

In the distance, you could hear the birds sing their songs.  Leaves rustled slightly and mixed with the soft sound of your feet on the grass when you stepped further away from the building and further into the green, calm oasis Gai and Chie created here. The sky above your head was tinted in a rich shade of blue, almost too dream-like to be true.

_ It should be forbidden for nature to look this good when one’s depressed. _

_ Then we would constantly have hail and rain pouring down on us. _

Close to the training post’s, you came to a stop. Right in front of you, the forest started. Trees grew closer to each other, their branches intermingling and leaves brushing against each other while whispering silently in the small breeze. Your eyes scanned the mix of green, orange, yellow and red intently, like you had done so many times as a child and under the guidance of your parents, who taught you about the wonders of the nature.  _ There. _ There, brown started to erase the bright colors. Soon, these branches would be naked. Trees bare of any leaf, instead snow would crown Mother Nature in pure, beautiful white jewels.

You smiled while you pictured the winter-scenery as clearly as the current situation in front of you. It must look beautiful. Silent, calm and incredibly homey. A fire in the background, warm clothes and thick socks, a cup of steaming hot tea. But the most important part, someone had to be beside you to share the intimate moment of absolute peace.

You had no idea why, but somehow, your brain tried to picture Kinoe in a thick pullover, sweatpants and cute socks at his feet. His brown hair a little bit tussled by sleep, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand and smiling weakly when offered a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

_ No. _ When the image became too real to bear, you chased it away.  _ No Kinoe. No Tenzo. No such a scenario. Ever. _

No Kiyoshi too.

And you were back at the matter at hand again. Even though the break-up was the right decision, you couldn’t help yourself but to mull over the decision over and over. What if you had given in to the puppy-eyes and the threatening tears? What if you had decided to give your relationship another chance after Kiyoshi tugged the ring out? What if, what if, what if? So many ‘what if’s’ and so little reason to play them all through. There was nothing you could change now. The past was done and you had to live with it, with every upcoming day which would follow.

One more time, you breathed in. Crisp fall-air filled your lungs, breezed through your insides and left only the hollow feeling of being scooped out by a dull spoon behind. A dull ache, but nothing else. And you were thankful for that. Instead of continuing to stare blankly at the forest right in front of you, you turned around and watched the friendly house. Maybe it was your imagination, but through a window showing the clean kitchen, you thought you could see Chie clinging to Gai. Two shadowy silhouettes, heavily entangled and communicating without saying anything.

They were incredibly cute together. From the very first second the married couple was in one room and acted as a unit, you could see and foremost, feel it. The complete unity they formed, the silent understanding, the mere acceptance of the quirks and mistakes of the other person and taking the other like they were. Maybe Gai’s clothing and his loud voice and his quite different mannerisms weren’t for everyone, but Chie didn’t care about that. She loved him for what he was on the inside, just as much as Gai loved Chie for her strict calmness and the care she bestowed at the ones around her.

Not like you and Kiyoshi. Not like that anymore. Maybe some years ago, but not any longer. It was the right decision to break up, the right decision to make, even though it was a hard one. And it also had been right to chase Tenzo… to chase  _ Kinoe  _ away. He was the reason why you were in fear of your own work environment. He and his actions caused your childhood to fade into the harsh reality of adolescence. The death-experience caused you to sink yourself into melancholy. The other kids in your class didn’t understand your suddenly solemn mood and the distant air around you, therefore, distanced themselves. Alone with a scar at your neck and the thoughts about betrayal, you sunk yourself into studies and came out on top of the classes. A necessary step to become a nurse, as you liked to call it, not regarding the fact that old books and bandages only could do so much to fill the hole in your heart which still gnawed at your insides.

And at the same time, the same hole which was filled by the presence of Tenzo in your life.

No matter how much you hated to admit that. No matter how much you struggled. Deep down, you already had known you felt better whenever Tenzo was by your side. Less empty, less bored, less distracted by the simplest things. Seeing Gai and Chie together made you realize that undeniable truth. Begrudgingly and with clenched teeth, but you did.

Another deep breath out and you turned once more to the row of trees. Your eyes scanned the leaves, searching for a little sign, a suspicious rustle of branches against bark, but there was nothing. Not even the bell in your head was ringing, so the coast was clear.

Still, you had the eerie feeling of being watched when you slowly trudged back to the porch.

But when you wanted to open the door and head back inside, the door opened itself, pushed open by someone who was loud, almost obnoxious and didn’t wear his bright smile anymore.

“Gai-san.” You nodded at the man. What did he want? Another innocent question about your day, which you could turn into a reason to brood and mourn over wasted opportunities?

But it wasn’t like that. Instead of speaking again about youth and energy and the greatness of extra-spicy curry, Gai closed the door behind him, only to gesture over to a couple of wooden chairs spread over the back porch. “Please, let’s have a seat.”

Without a word, you complied. The truth was, you were interested what he had to say and what the shinobi would try to bring across as his point. When Gai sat down, you followed suit, getting comfy in a chair opposite to his.

For a little moment, no one said anything. The black-haired man watched you with expectant eyes, carefully examining you from head to toe, while you bore Gai’s inspection with the calmness of someone who was used to such inspections.

Finally, all the hours spent with overly wary ANBU paid off.

“I’m sorry,” he started and ripped you out of your smug thoughts, “for being unintentionally rude and insensitive. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No worries. I should’ve expected such questions and shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”

“Nevertheless,” only now, a shadow of his former trademark-grin was born on his face, “I have to apologize. I didn’t mean to remind you of unpleasant things.”

“As I said, it’s fine now. It was just… unexpected.”

A warm chuckle drifted through the air and in that exact moment, the spell was broken. Okay, maybe Gai and you had a rocky start, but that was nothing in comparison to the absolute support which showed its true colors when he started to speak again. “Unexpected. Yes, that’s what my youthful flower loves to call me. And yet, I find myself curious.”

“Of what?”

“Chie told me you have a cunning talent when it comes to our most energetic friends in the shadows. It reminds me a lot of my student and even only a little bit, of myself too.”

Too many metaphors. Your head swirled while you tried to puzzle out what exactly Gai meant. He must’ve sensed your confusion, thus waited until you figured out what he meant with the mysterious “friends in the shadows”.

ANBU.

With a snort, you waved him off. “You mean my escapee-radar? Oh, it can hardly compare to the ability of molding chakra and breathing fire at enemies.”

Gai leaned back into his chair. The apron with the distinctive letters scrawled across his chest stretched a bit, before groaning as the man stretched his muscles himself. “My most youthful student Lee isn’t able to use any kind of nin- or genjutsu. On top of that, when I met him, he wasn’t even that talented in the tai-jutsu department. But that’s the point where I step in, the beautiful blue beast of Konoha! Under my heavily tai-jutsu influenced tutelage, Lee trained until he was too tired to even lift an arm!”

Automatically, your nurse-instincts started to rise. “But isn’t that quite harmful?”

Gai, who had posed to the tale of his success, shrunk almost immediately back into the seat. “Yes,” he mumbled sheepishly, “Chie said so too. But I learned and improved together with my dear student and now I can say, he can compete even with geniuses like Neji Hyuuga or Sasuke Uchiha, who is trained by no one else but my eternal rival!”

For a very short second, you were tempted to ask who this “eternal rival” was. Because seriously, who was insane enough to be in a constant competitive relationship with a highly competitive person like Gai seemed to be? But the more pressing matter at hand quickly chased the curiosity away. “As nice as this little story sounds, what does it have to do with me?”

“Let him finish, alright?”

You hadn’t heard Chie entering the scene at all. Only when you concentrated, you made out the weak bell ringing in your mind, telling about someone closing in. Then, the brunette brushed past, a quick touch to your shoulder everything of a support she offered before settling into the chair right next to her husband. “Let him finish,” she repeated and smiled when you raised a single eyebrow, “I swear, it makes sense. At least, it did to me.”

You doubted that, but you weren’t that much of an asshole to say that out loud. Instead, you opened your arms in the unmistakable invitation to broaden your mind with Gai’s amazing discovery.

The ninja took the invitation. Unconsciously, he reached out to his wife while he spoke and just as unconsciously, Chie took his hand into hers, a tender embrace which made you only slightly uncomfortable. “The point is, your radar like you call it, is just as much of a youthful talent as a kekkai genkai. Maybe a little bit less on the impressive and showy side, but nonetheless a useful talent in your profession.”

“I guess you can say that.”

“And would you say it would’ve developed the way it did if you hadn’t had a not so youthful encounter with an ANBU before?”

A quick look at Chie, who shook her head sharply and you knew Gai only knew the absolute necessary extent of what he needed to know to grasp the gist of the situation. A breath escaped, unconsciously held and released when you realized the coast was clear enough to nod.

But was the statement true? Would have your little ‘quirk’ or talent or whatever it was evolved the way it did when you wouldn’t be so wary of ANBU and shinobi altogether? Over the years, you always had tried to anticipate an attack from one of your overly nervous patients, resulting in the finely tuned sense of danger you had now.

“I guess not.” you admitted slowly.

Chie nodded proudly. “That’s what I thought.”

“And you wouldn’t be that good at what you’re doing,” Gai continued, with a lot more vigor than before, “if you didn’t have that instinct?”

“Yes,” you immediately answered and raised your hands, only to count down the many traits you had and proved useful in your job, “because I’m good at bandages, I care about the patients, I try to be as effective as possible, I work good in a team, my knowledge about wounds and how to treat them is expanding with every new scientific research our hospital produces-!”

“(Y/N)!” Chie interrupted. You blinked, before lowering your hands at the scary undertone swinging in her voice. “You’re totally undermining our cheering-up talk here! Can you stop smart-assing Gai and me?”

“Because it’s not my instinct. This sense or whatever it is,” you threw your hands into the air, “is a small part of me, not my entire being. Yes, it helps me being better, of keeping track on all the troublemakers who want to escape a much-needed treatment, but it is only  _ that _ . An addition to my set of skills. It doesn’t define me!”

The brunette rolled her eyes and huffed, just like whenever she had to deal with her favorite patient Hatake-san. “Can you just listen for a second? Gai is really good at motivational speeches, so just  _ listen for a second!” _

Fierce. The sassy retort already tingling on your tongue died on its way out, leaving nothing behind but emptiness and slight shock. That was the other side of Chie, the nurse who had no tolerance for overly whiny patients and troublemakers. Fierce and setting those subjects back into their place. And apparently, you were now on of these subjects, measured at the angry glare thrown your way.

Gai knew “the glare” also too well. At the sight of his wife, fuming and glaring at you with the fierceness of a protective mother bear, he had shrunken into his seat, but his hand was still tightly entangled with hers while he stuttered his next few sentences out. “(Y/N)-san, yes, I know, you are obviously more than only your youthful instinct. It’s just, due to the circumstances of your trauma, of your hardships in life, you became who you are! Just like my student Lee and my humble person! Because he’s not able to use nin- and genjutsu, he worked hard in order to overcome his weakness and finally, turned his apparent weakness into a strength, like no one has ever seen! And your fear of ANBU, combined with your amazing sense of presence which activates for shinobi only, is absolutely a youthful and most energetical trump in your deck of cards! You use it for your own cause, to help people! And if that isn’t the most admirable, youth-filled objective I have ever known,” swept away by his own speech, Gai posed and gave you a big thumbs-up, “then I will not be the blue beast of Konohagakure anymore!”

Your fear of ANBU…? A weakness, turned into a… A strong point? You shook your head. No way. Did you do that, without even realizing what you were doing, all the while pulling the coat of fear and hatred over your mind to shield yourself from the shinobi? Did you really sharpened and honed your skill of noticing whenever hidden eyes watched you into something useful for your work?

“You worked with your fear,” Chie continued where her husband left off, “Maybe unconsciously, step by step, little by little. You turned it into something good, but along the way, you never let go of the fear when you should’ve let go. While your sense was sharpened, your fear did too. Created sparks and spikes, hurt you more than any other thing. And what we want to tell you here…”

Your friend stood up, her jacket falling loosely around her figure. You watched her with widened eyes how she walked closer and closer, until she was able to crouch down and took your hands into hers. Warm fingers and palms cupped your colder limbs, while her soft voice made your nearly dry eyes burn once more with the need to cry.

“You don’t need to be scared,” Chie said and smiled softly, “You don’t need to cling to it any longer. Even though shinobi can be scary and awkward and ridiculous even. They are first and foremost still human, (Y/N). Just like you and me.”

Like he wanted to prove a point, Gai wiggled his huge, caterpillar-like eyebrows in a really, truly  _ ridiculous  _ manner, what caused the long-forgotten laughter living inside your chest to finally break out.

It wasn’t a true laughter, not boosting and booming all over the place, rolling out of your mouth with adorable little hiccups. Sobs disturbed the sound of happiness, wet and muffled, while you laughed and cried and held onto Chie’s hand, who accepted the waterfalls yet again.

You surely would’ve continued to cry until there was no tomorrow, clutching to your friend and hugging her husband until he had broken bones or something, but then a just as booming as excited voice echoed through the garden, accompanied by a green lightning flashing through over the grass and coming to a stop right in front of the porch, one hand raised for a proper salute in front of the three adults.

“Greetings, Gai-sensei!” he shouted out and seemed to blush a little bit when the round eyes switched to Chie. “And greetings also to you, Chie-san! I’m thankful you’re having me in your humble home today and I’m excited for the extra-spicy curry of youth you cooked especially, with a lot of love and care for us!”

“There…” You sniveled and laughed, snot running from your nose. “There are two of them!?”

Chie joined the laughter, pressing your hands together and eyes twinkling in happiness. “Yeah, two of the same kind. His name is Lee and I suppose I can call him my son by now.”

“That’s incredibly cute.”

“Yeah.” Fondly, Chie glanced over to her husband, who already started a weird speech to his erringly similar, smaller twin. “It is indeed.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tenzo knew from the very moment who dared to step onto the secret clearing in the middle of the Forest of Death even before the other person was aware of it. Not many people were able to do that. But Tenzo wasn’t most people, he thought bitterly, before trying to sink himself again into the dark release of meditation.

Slow steps and the weak crinkle of pages being flipped disturbed his usually impeccable concentration. “Oh. Tenzo. Didn’t see you there.”

“Hello Kakashi-senpai.”

“Nice day for some training, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you have something else to do?”

“Oh?” Tenzo could imagine the nonchalant-happy expression on the man’s covered face too clearly for his liking. “And what should that be?”

“I don’t know. Maybe staying with your girlfriend who is heavily pregnant right now?”

“Oh, she’s sleeping.”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“Yeah. Actually, she pushed me to find you. Was totally out of it. Told me it would be my duty as a good senpai to be present,” another crinkle of pages and a little, dark chuckle, “when you need support. And here I am, the dutiful and respectable senpai, at your service.”

Tenzo suppressed, like it happened over the last week a lot, a deep, heavy sigh. Suddenly, a lot of people were noisy and were at his ass just because he was a bit out of it.

Maybe growing that accidental tree in his sleep through the roof of the ANBU barracks could also be part of the problem.

A sprout of a plant grew right beside his bent knee. Which one? Tenzo had no idea right now and he also didn’t really care. His emotions escaped and he needed to put a stop to this. Quickly, he located the crack in his  _ usually _ tight armor. Just big enough to release some of his power, of the raw energy boiling in his veins. Enough for the plant to grow further and spot the first fresh, lily white petals. Another flare of anger surged through him.

Why did he have to lose his control? Just because he was angry? Betrayed? Sad, depressed, lost? Lost in the sea of emotions, throwing him around like he was a small fisher boat in the middle of a storm, trying to find his way back home and only to stray more off the path.

It took more concentration than usual, but in the end, Tenzo won over the raw energy. A band-aid over the crack for now, but it would be enough until the talk with his nosy senpai was over. After that, he could properly plaster the wound with stones and sticks and everything he had at hand to bring the annoying loss of control to an end.

Kakashi watched with his lone, black eye how the flower’s sudden growth spurt stopped. A small shudder went through the plant, before it seemed to wither a tiny, little bit. The brunet let his fingers gently slide over one of the ashen petals, before he turned to the interruption of his training session. “What is it?” he growled and almost winced at the rude tone. “I’m busy.”

Kakashi Hatake, notorious late-comer and reader of perverted romance novels, shrugged merely at the death glare his kouhai gave him. “As I said, my wonderful, amazing, beautiful girlfriend sends me over to ask if everything is alright. And she wants to ask if you could build a cradle for us, obviously only against some kind of payment.”

_ Obviously.  _ Tenzo buried another deep sigh and nodded, even managing a small smile at the thought of his senpai’s girlfriend asking shyly a favor of her sleazy boyfriend. For her? He would even put a smile on, a tired on that is.

She was responsible for making his senpai happier than ever before. Kakashi was now more relaxed, a little bit more easy-going with his pranks and habit of coming late, the visits at the memorial also lessened. So, did the oh so obvious shame and guilt attacks the man suffered under. Tenzo had noticed these emotions over the years they spent together in ANBU. But since Kakashi met his girlfriend, soon-to-be mother of his child and maybe even soon-to-be wife, the former “friend-killer” was as soft as the paws of his loyal companion Pakkun.

“Good.” With a little groan, Kakashi put his beloved novel back into the breast pocket of his vest, before sitting down right beside Tenzo and crossing his legs at the ankles. “So, what’s going on? Did Crow piss you off again?”

“That was one time. And he forgot to water my plants while I was gone.”

“A bit petty, isn’t it? He apologized.”

“Yes. I know.”

“Then, another mission?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Girl problems?” His senpai mentioned the question how other people uttered a little inside joke. But when Tenzo staid silent and merely turned his head away, for once the emotions on the masked face were as clear as the sky to him. “Really? Girl problems?”

“You sound far too surprised for my taste.” Tenzo said.

Kakashi shrugged once more. “I never heard you talking about a woman in your life. I thought you were simply not interested in love or sex or any kind of person.”

“What am I then? A filthy tree lover?”

A breath chuckle and Tenzo rolled his eyes when Kakashi nudged him into his ribs with his really sharp elbows. “Good one. So… What’s the problem? Didn’t she like it to be wooed by a mysterious ANBU?”

_ Is he a good man? _

_ I don’t know. _

Tenzo had to dig his fingernails into the flesh of his palm to control himself this time. Otherwise, another plant would’ve grown for sure, a thorny rose, with sharp edges and even sharper thorns. “Not… not really.” He mumbled and dug his nails a little bit harder into his own hand. The pain helped to distract the man from the ache of his heart.

But his senpai wasn’t one to let go of hints and vague words. Like a dog who had sunken his fangs into his favorite toy, Kakashi pursued the chance to tease Tenzo a bit. “Oh, don’t be so harsh on me.” He chuckled and put his hands on his knees. “Couldn’t she put up with the horror stories coming along the ANBU past? The blood and gore?”

“She would manage just fine, actually.”

“Shinobi?”

“No.” At the memory how vibrant and beautiful (Y/N) looked when she wore the unattractive wide nurse uniform, Tenzo just had to break into a smile. “She works at the hospital.”

An almost violent shudder went through Kakashi and this time, it was Tenzo’s turn to laugh about his hospital-hating former captain. “Still not cured off your dislike, despite the many, many visits. I see.”

“All the nurses are devils. Is she one of them?”

“Yes.”

“You’re a brave man, Tenzo. A very brave one.”

Around them, the nature seemed to breathe out. Lost in the banter and distracted from the inner misery, the control over his power came back, flooded in like the ocean with the tide. Tenzo took the chance and relaxed his muscles. From the hours of sitting on the hard ground and meditating, his bones hurt more than they actually should. A first sign of his age.

“And?” Kakashi asked and smiled another nonchalant grin, hidden by the blue cloth. “Do I know her? What’s her name?”

“…”

“Oh, come on, Tenzo. You were also the first one to know about my impending fatherhood.”

Tenzo shook his head. “Because Tsunade told me in a really smug tone. Not because you ran to me.”

His senpai waved his words off. “Nah, details, details. You knew first. So, tell me the name of the devil who stole your heart.”

“Your relationship makes you a pesky asshole. Can’t you go back to be the same, brooding captain I know?”

“Not happening.” Kakashi chuckled yet again. “My girlfriend would have my ass for that.”

And Tenzo wouldn’t have the man any other way, even though the new, happier Kakashi was going on his nerves even more than the mean, ANBU captain-Kakashi. No, he deserved every bit of happiness he could get and most of the time, Tenzo wasn’t even jealous of the man for his luck of finding an understanding woman.

Mostly.

Today was such a rare coincidence. Burning, aching envy raced through his stomach and only barely, the brunet could keep himself from jumping up and leaving his captain to his own, blissfully happy thoughts. He wanted that too. The happy relationship, the normal problems, the care and love, the little gestures. Everything. But it was always out of Tenzo’s reach. He had to watch how other people found their significant others, while he desperately scrambled and rolled in the dirt, only receiving glimpses at a life he could never have.

His teeth groaned from the force he put on them in his effort of not speaking up. Another bud sprung out of the grass, quickly growing until Tenzo simmered the leak down to a soft trickle of chakra floating into the air.

_ No more leaks. No more mistakes. Keep your act together. _

His hands curled into tight fists, knuckles going white. Previously relaxed, Tenzo tensed up again, a motion Kakashi noticed, but didn’t comment on it. Instead, the mean teased further, ignoring the different kinds of plants and trees which started to grow around them the longer he kept on talking. “A nurse, you said? I bet she’s resolute. Strict as hell. Won’t have any fun even if it’s presented on a silver platter. Same age as you, I bet, but with haggard features. Or do you like them a little bit rounder? Mhm, could be the case. Give me a second. Wait, is it the head nurse? No way, Tenzo. No way, she’s crazy and treats the other’s she doesn’t fancy like shit. Do you know that last time, she actually wanted to perform a totally unnecessary check where I had to bent over and present my rear-!”

_ “It’s not the head nurse!” _

Only moments after the echo of the shout faded, Tenzo realized he actually had opened his mouth and screamed the desperate words out. With a sigh, he dragged his hands over his face, before shaking his head. “Not the head nurse. It’s (L/N)-san. I don’t know if you ever met her, she tries to keep away from the shinobi ward.”

Tenzo knew Kakashi got on his nerves to get his way. And Kakashi knew that Tenzo knew, but didn’t care enough about the nerves of his kouhai to stop. The shit-eating grin only lifted further underneath the mask. “We didn’t have the pleasure yet, I believe,” he said.

“No miracle,” Tenzo huffed and shuffled on his spot, “She’s scared by shinobi. Doesn’t outright hate us, but expects an attack at any time.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I nearly killed her when I was a child.”

The old and painful history between him and (Y/N) flooded out of Tenzo’s mouth before he even had time to make the conscious decision to tell Kakashi. But he was too weak to stop the flood, so he just kept on speaking, his low voice rumbling over the clearing until the sun started to turn orange and sunk below the crowns of the trees around them. Maybe the shame which befell his mind was urging him on, maybe it was the nice feeling of sheer  _ relief _ of finally telling someone what happened over the duration of a month that Tenzo kept on talking, not minding one bit the grunts and huffs of his senpai.

It was nearly dark when the brunet finished, his mouth dry and tongue even drier from all the speaking he did. A cough rustled through his chest, then, Tenzo sighed once more before putting the finishing touches on the most depressing story he ever had to tell. “…Today, she broke up with her boyfriend. It wasn’t pretty and I think he was close to do something to her, but she defused the situation before I would’ve seen the need to interfere. But then she said something along the lines that she’s not sure if falling in love with me was the right thing for her and she basically dismisses her feelings for me with a short wave of her hand and now I’m sitting here, alone and lost and hurt and I have no idea what I could do to… What I could do to make this situation somehow better.”

Silence fell over the clearing. In the distance, Tenzo could hear the mumbling voices of some shinobi walking around the dangerous premises, but he shoved the distracting noise out of his mind.

His senpai stared blankly ahead, while Tenzo tried to restrain himself from demanding an explanation. Was he too shocked? Too shocked and surprised by what Tenzo had done to another child? Maybe he was also disgusted, possibly even hated him now, now, that he knew the whole truth about him?

 

“Mhm.”

Not a sound Tenzo expected. The short hum seemed to be a sign of his senpai’s curiosity and interest than of disgust and hatred. Carefully, the brunet snuck a glance at the grey-haired man. 

Kakashi was still staring ahead, but when he noticed the intent stare at his face, he waved a hand in front of his nose, dismissing the uncertainty in Tenzo’s mind. “Oh, don’t mind me. Sounds like a complete clusterfuck. And she really expressed her feelings to you clearly in the hospital? It wasn’t your mind making up things due to the high dose of strong drugs?”

“I’m pretty sure. No genjutsu either.”

“Mhm.” Kakashi hummed again. Then, with the grace only an ANBU possessed, he stood up, hands already buried in the pockets of his pants. “Maybe, I have to meet her in person before I can make a judgement here. It sounds like… No.”

“Like what?”

Tenzo expected everything. But not the smile on Kakashi’s face to turn sad and melancholic; en expression the younger man knew far too well from all the looks into a mirror or similar surface during the last few days. “I believe your (Y/N) is scared. Scared shitless. Traumatized. And I don’t know yet if she can recover from that to let you back into her life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will (hopefully) be again on time, so, in two weeks from here on.


	11. Judging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While you try to get your act together, an unexpected guest makes an entrance and you're not quite sure what his intentions are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A punctual chapter :D   
> A little bit more healing, a little bit more recovering and a tiny bit more Tenzo POV to explain some of the background. 
> 
> Hopefully, you all will like the new chapter! I'm on the road to finish this fic, so you all can expect more interactions between the MC and our little tree-boy again! ^^

_His leg was inflamed. Tenzo knew, felt the fire in his veins whenever he only breathed and the kindling of the flames whenever the affected foot touched the ground. Thank god they were already on the way back to Konoha, otherwise it would be an even bigger waste of time when he_ finally _collapsed. And in a way his comrades wouldn’t let him live down, no matter what kind of glare he threw at them._

_They were still snickering about it when they carried Wolf, Bear and him into the emergency rooms for shinobi, all three stretchers manned with a squad of shadowy ANBU._

_“Just collapsed like a wet rag,” Hawk snickered and waved at Tenzo, all the while the brunet rolled his eyes at the amused tone, “you should’ve seen it! One moment, he was right behind me on our way back, the next, I only hear a weak ‘thump’ and watch our Cat here falling through the branches and leaves, trying to catch him like the little tree lord he is.”_

_The other three ANBU carrying Tenzo’s stretcher snickered quietly. Despite the fever wrecking through his brain, Tenzo was able to give all of them a well-deserved death-glare before the nurse in charge walked up on them, a clipboard in her arms and a nervous twitch in her face._

_“What injuries?”_

_“Stab wounds in the abdomen, normal kunai, possibly poisoned. Breathing is flat, pulse nearly non-existent. Chances of survival go towards zero.”_

_“Carry him into room 401.”_

_A pleasant voice. As the least severe wounded, Tenzo was carried in last and usually, he was fine with that. But with such a lovely voice right in front of him, the nervous tremor covered by professionality and unconscious confidence into her doings, he nearly cursed the two other stretchers, before the normal part of his brain reminded him that they needed the hospital more than him._

 

_Poor Wolf. Poor Bear. Both of them injured while doing what they could do best, Wolf protecting his comrades from a stray, poisoned kunai and Bear probably lost her hand while trying to disarm the advanced bomb of the enemy. Tenzo had the foul feeling at least one of them wouldn’t make it and he already dreaded the moment he had to watch a new recruit shove his stuff into one of their lockers, not knowing about the fate of the previous owner._

_His stretcher shook like a small boat on the wild ocean as his squad carried him through the hallways and corridors, all the while the soft voice of the night nurse accompanied them just as much as Hawk’s gruff and even cold description of the injured._

_“Bear has severe burns, second grade and some third. Tried to disarm a landmine. Her left hand doesn’t look good, maybe it needs amputation. A provider for prosthesis is already contacted.”_

_“And the third?”_

_There. Through the wall of grey and black armor, Tenzo was finally able to catch a small glance at the owner of the soft voice. Her eyes were quickly scanning him from head to toe, taking in the ash and dirt still clinging to his body, the improvised cast for his bruised arm, the ripped open pants and the bandage where the spring of all this trouble laid. Professional and without a hitch, even when the nervousness was so clearly visible on her face that Tenzo just had to grimace under his mask. Not little were scared of ANBU, but the nurse was nearly breaking into a panic attack at the sight of his comrades and him._

_There was something about the nurse. Something which made his stomach twist and coil in itself, out of deep, terrible shame and deep, terrible guilt. Tenzo fiddled on the stretcher, while her intense and strangely familiar eyes switched from an inspection of his visible injuries to his team leader once more._

_“Nothing serious, just a bruised arm and a single stab wound to the upper calf. He lost a lot of blood, maybe the femoral artery is nicked.” Hawk had the audacity to laugh and like they were in sync, the night nurse and Tenzo threw an annoyed glare at the man. In her case, it was less noticeable, dimmed by the fear and obvious distance she wanted to put between herself and the elite shinobi._

_“Still,” she said and waved at one of the doors right down the hallway, “we have to check his leg and see if his muscles were damaged. Room 413 for him.”_

_There really was something about her. Something which rung a bell in Tenzo’s mind. A long-forgotten memory tried to rise, tried to grow into a full flashback, but before that could happen, his stretcher was carried away, while the night nurse sighed weakly and turned to the small crowd of nurses gathering around her. Tenzo was able to listen to the orders she gave out with a confidence of someone who did that on a daily base and a wave of strange pride at her behavior grew inside of him._

_“They’re going to patch you up, buddy,” Hawk muttered with a chuckle, “and in no time, you’re able to go on missions again.”_

_His team leader said that like he didn’t expect Tenzo to have anything else besides the life in the ANBU corps. He said it like he knew there was nothing waiting for the man on the stretcher, like he knew the injured man was just as excited to go on another life-threatening mission, another infiltration, another assassination. Like he was no human, like Tenzo was just the tool he was supposed to be._

_Hawk couldn’t be farther from the truth. A slash of pain jolted his bones, not coming from the physical injuries, but from the depths of his very being. After all these years, he was still nothing but a living, breathing tool to the village and to his comrades._

_But he wanted more than that. Wanted a true home, wanted warmth, wanted a family. Wanted what other people took for granted. Wanted what other, young ANBUs made fun of and what other, old, experienced ones wanted just as much._

_Tenzo wanted a normal life. A place to return to, with someone waiting for him and smiling when he stepped through the door. It was as simple as that._

_He allowed himself another moment of grieving and sheer crave for that impossible scenario, in which the squad of ANBU placed his stretcher with the routine of a well-working machine on the single, clean bed. Another push and pull, and the stretcher was gone, leaving the dirty man with the cat-mask on the fresh, white linen. Immediately, Tenzo felt bad for the streaks of ash and earth he left on the cushions, all the while trying to find a position where his leg and his arm wouldn’t hurt that badly._

_Washing himself during a mission was always a problem._

_“You will be alright,” Hawk said again, “I know this nurse. Don’t worry, even though she’s hella scared of us, she knows what she’s doing. And if you want to have some fun,” he leaned slightly forward, “just reach for your kunai every now and then. Or twitch once in a while. Gets her every time.”_

_Instantly, Tenzo decided to do nothing of these things. Even though his mask had the general form of a cat maw, he had no intention of playing with his food like his namesake did. Yet Hawk, supposedly the stealthy hit-and-run hunter, loved to tease the subject in his sights a lot. The poor night nurse only tried to do her job properly. No need to make it even harder for her._

_The sympathy for the stranger was… simply_ strange _. Sure, Tenzo knew on a rational level he should feel like this for the people he had sworn to protect from the shadows. Still. On an emotional level, he felt way too connected to the pretty nurse._

_Pretty? Confused, the brunet cocked his head. Did he really just think that? It had been years since he thought of another person as pretty, not to talk about competent and overly concerned for their well-being._

_He had a few hours to ponder about that revelation. His inner clock told him that the sun must’ve started to rise in the outside world, shut off by the missing windows and the pale, white walls. Only then, a soft knock echoed through the otherwise empty room, before the same nurse stepped inside, followed by a big guy, also cladded into a nurse uniform._

_The woman stepped closer, hands trembling oh so slightly. “Hello,” she murmured in a low, surprisingly soft voice, “we’re here to properly treat your injuries.”_

_Tenzo nodded at those words. Strangely, his tongue and throat were dry and his palms were suddenly sweaty. With a too quick motion for non-shinobi to see, he dried off his hands at his pants, before looking again full of hesitant expectation at the nurse, who stared more at his neck than into his masked eyes._

_Her lips moved and for a second, Tenzo only followed the motion of those perfect lips, before the words reached his brain. “My name is (Y/N) and that here is Rai. We were informed that your injuries were not as heavy as the one of your teammates. That is the reason we only come now to you, I apologize.”_

_“I understand.” He answered and watched how (Y/N) actually showed for the first time since he came into the emergency room some signs of relaxation. The muscles in her neck trembled for a last time, before they slacked a little bit and the shake of her fingers ceased._

_Why though?_

_“We’re going to check you for any other injuries first, before we continue to treat the rest. The bandages you used look like they can hold out a few more minutes. Can you describe to me how you received them?” she asked._

_Tenzo shook his head before he even realized what he was doing. Denying the mission, denying any relation to a mission was his second nature and came to him as easily as breathing._

_(Y/N) nodded weakly, before she gestured to Rai, who understood. Immediately, he went over to a small table and started to rustle with small yet dangerous instruments, all the while (Y/N) inched closer, wary like a scared rabbit in the headlights._

_“A medic ninja will soon arrive and to prepare for his arrival, I will take a quick look at you. Is that alright?”_

_She was so careful and nice. Tenzo just had to chuckle quietly at her demeanor, trying to calm him down even though he was long adjusted to the pain rolling in waves through his leg and he was, by a long shot, not such a difficult patient like Kakashi-senpai. At least, he thought so. When (Y/N) leaned over him, her now calm fingers flittering through the air, her pleasant, warm scent enveloped him and unconsciously, Tenzo shifted the tiniest bit closer. Her scent was familiar. He knew her from somewhere, knew her from sometime, maybe in the past, maybe…_

_“May I?” (Y/N)’s hands hovered over the soiled bandages and with a slight twitch of his chin, Tenzo gave her the permission and assurance the nurse needed to go on with her task. The coldness of her fingers was a wonderful contrast against his feverish, reddened skin and he had to suppress a sigh of relief when the nice, cool fingers gently brushed over the surrounding, tortured flesh._

_Tenzo was about to relax, when suddenly a shift of the dreadful white uniform caused his brain to pull out the best time of his young life and at the same time, the most painful decision he had ever made. A scar at the side of her neck, deep and surely life-threatening, a silver line against the pale of her soft skin._

_(Y/N). A clearing. Plays at the river, skipping stones. Hide and seek, playing tag, a night under the starlight and stories about the constellations. Holding hands, palms clammy and heart fluttering, hugging and admitting the confusing feelings roaring deep inside of him. The fateful day, the absolute obedience to his master, the hated,_ hated _order and the slow realization on her face when Tenzo stalked up on her, kunai brandished and ready._

_The blood. The skin closing and opening like the gills of a fish, the shocked expression on her face, the hollow ‘thump’ when she collapsed right in front of his feet._

_Thankfully, Tenzo knew how to mask his feelings, his shock and sheer, raw joy of seeing her alive again. After that happened, he never checked up on her, fearing Danzo would know what kind of stunt he pulled in order to keep her alive if he tried to go near (Y/N). Seeing her alive was like a dream come true. Seeing (Y/N) was an explanation why his heart was skipping a beat when she inspected the infected wound, why her lovely scent enticed him, why the urge to smile despite the pain was almighty._

_(Y/N) was alive. And with her presence, Tenzo’s heart seemed to come alive, beating irregularly in his chest while in the back of his head he was painfully aware that he shouldn’t feel this ecstatic. Especially when (Y/N) started to scrap out the pus and clogged blood from the infected flesh. The agony should erase every other emotion, but instead, Tenzo’s euphoria was detached from the nerve-wrecking pain._

_The ANBU was dimly aware that he couldn’t expect her to be overly excited to see him again. He nearly killed her. And yet, he couldn’t help himself._

_Just when he thought his existence was nothing but to live as a tool, there was a light. A light he thought long dead, a light long forgotten, a light he tried to hide and yet stayed burning. Thankfully. He needed to apologize. Needed to see how her life was now. Needed to see if she was alright, if (Y/N) would accept the apology, maybe even accept him._

_During the most painful bit of the cleaning, Tenzo bit into that dim hope like a dog sinking his fangs into his favorite toy. Suddenly, the world seemed a bit lighter than before. Suddenly, he found himself looking forward to the discharge of the hospital. Not for the chance of a free week, like the medic ninja promised him later. Not for the free time filled with nothing but training, training and more training._

_It meant the chance to apologize was coming closer._

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Watching Gai and Lee interact, two of the loudest and most non-sneaky ninjas under the sun was balm for your tortured nerves. Gai on his own was a ball of pure positivity and support, but together with his energetic student, who copied his sensei in every way you could think of, they were like seeing the personification of positivity in the face.

Your tears had no chance, and when you and Chie stepped inside the bright house, you wiped once more over your eyes, before turning to the two teenagers following after you.

“I’m sorry to barge into your lunch with your sensei just like this. My name is (Y/N) (L/N), nice to meet you.”

One of them, a brunette girl clothed into a white and red embodied jacket and red, wide pants hanging from her hips, smiled widely at you. “Yes, I know you. A nurse, right? You helped me three years ago to recover from an injury.”

Now that she mentioned it… “Wait. The chunin exams incident? A nasty bruise in your back and several deep gashes?”

“Exactly!” The girl’s smile widened. “You gave me a really disgustingly smelling balm for the bruise. It completely vanished and I still buy that balm to this day whenever the training or a mission was too rough! Thank you so much for that tip!”

“No problem,” you mumbled. This girl with her two buns and the big scroll on her back also was so cheerful, almost too cheerful for your current mood. _Almost_. No, in her cheerfulness and wide smiles, she managed something you hadn’t believed would happen today.

You felt slightly good. Helpful, useful even. That was why you became a nurse in the second place, to help the sick and injured ones. That most of them would be shinobi… Well, as a child, you didn’t really think much about the prospect of facing your most dreaded fears on a daily base.

The brunette bowed before you, an action which flustered you to no end. “My name is Tenten, and I’m a part of Team 10 under the command of Gai-sensei. It is an honor to meet you again.”

“Uhm…” Seeking for help, you tried to establish eye contact with Chie, who only winked cheekily in return. “No worries, it was my job…?”

 

Shining brighter than a star itself, Tenten straightened, only to jump at Chie, blabbering about how happy she was in her “awesome house and is that a new training post?”. What left you nearly alone with the last member of Team 10, a Hyuuga with the typical pale-lavender eyes and the typical stern expression on his face. Also, a patient you knew too well.

“Neji Hyuuga.” With a respectful nod, you greeted the teen, who lowered his chin in recognition. “Good to see you back on your feet. How is the carpal tunnel syndrome going?”

Unconsciously, the young man touched the wrist of his left hand. Exactly the one which had hurt tremendously the last time you had seen him, caused by the first stages of a severe carpal tunnel syndrome. After a week of total stillness, a tight bandage and more weeks of only little movement, careful stretches and cooling balm, the Hyuuga recovered from the pain and went back into active training and the active mission roster.

The jonin lowered his chin a bit further. “Very well, (L/N)-san. I can actively participate in missions again.”

“Is there any residual pain? Any kind of blockades?”

“No, I’m afraid not.”

You smiled lightly at him. “That’s indeed good to hear.”

In the background, you could still hear the youthful speech Gai gave his student Lee and the chattering of Chie and Tenten, who seemed more like sisters than the wife of her sensei and his student. Only between you and Neji reigned an awkward silence and with the silence, the reminder of him being terribly dangerous returned. A part of your mind whispered about the quick death you could die at his treated hands, but a bigger part of your brain told you that he wouldn’t do that. The part of your brain which was filled with pictures of Gai supporting you, wiggly eyebrows making you laugh, of Chie holding your back, always ready to smile and always ready to defend, of…

Of Tenzo. Of Tenzo, wearing the ridiculous baby-blue apron and oven mitts. Holding a tray of cookies in his hands, masked head cocked to the side and eager for your input. Sitting on the couch and silently talking about being in ANBU, talking about his senpai and the different pranks the older man had pulled on him. Being so normal that you couldn’t help yourself and your phobia but to accept the man behind the mask, the human who wanted nothing but some peaceful hours before returning to his life of violence and constant danger.

 

In a way, you realized with a sudden clarity of the sky ripping open to reveal the sun, Tenzo and his approach helped you getting clear with your phobia. He had showed you that not every shinobi was like your fear painted them to be, the scary, skilled puppets doing nothing but bringing havoc into the life of the civilians. Indeed, they were skilled and sometimes scary, but just like every other human being, they craved for a little bit of care and friendliness, their families and friends. Sure, there were crazy oddities, but weren’t there also normal civilians who preferred the loneliness of their own apartments and houses?

A light smile had flashed over your face, but with the next thought, your mood darkened again. Sure, Tenzo had somehow unconsciously helped you. But he was also the one responsible for your trauma, the years of panic and everything else. And even though a part of you craved for his presence, _loved him_ , there was no way you would forgive that so easily.

“…(Y/N)-san?” Tenten’s voice managed to break through the fog of memories and blood. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, sure.” A last flash of Tenzo lying on a hospital bed and a warm hand caressing yours, then the lid was back on the bucket of melancholy. “Sorry, I spaced out for a bit.”

Three pairs of eyes stared at you and in one case, you were at least halfway sure that they tried to see right through your words and into your mind. Thankfully, the Byakugan wasn’t able to decipher the secret thoughts of yours, thus, Neji only glared for some seconds at you (honestly, it was hard to tell if he glared or not) before nodding sharply and following the echoes of metaphors and exaggerated speech his sensei spouted.

Tenten hugged Chie once more, before throwing an obviously worried glance at you and smiling quickly when you caught her in the act. She waved over her shoulder and went after her team, an excited bounce in her step.

“Could’ve gone worse,” you mused to Chie and crossed your arms over your chest, “I mean, none of them tried to kill me, right?”

“Sheesh.” A scowl flashed over her delicate features. “First, you’re gloomy and deep in your thoughts, and now the dark humor strikes?”

“Nothing better than to cover up the tears and gloom.”

“I can’t say anything against that. But, please. Give the kids a chance. They are lovely, especially Neji when you get to know him better.”

 

Involuntarily, your eyebrows rose in slight surprise. “Really? Well, then I’m in for a funny lunch, aren’t I?”

Chie’s laugh rung in the air as she hugged you for a second, only to gently shove you towards the kitchen, where the voices of all members of Team 10 talked over each other. “You’re acting like a death-sentenced prisoner on his way to the guillotine! Trust me, they are all-!”

You would never get to know what they all were. In that moment, a shadow appeared right outside of the glass doors. Out of instinct, you flinched around, already knowing you would be too late when the icy shower of cold _knowledge_ rained down your back and were on your way to put yourself between the shadow and Chie, when the other nurse already started hissing into your ears.

“Oh no, don’t you dare Hatake! Don’t you dare to put your fingers on this glass, Gai cleaned it only _yesterday_!”

You blinked. Once, twice. Then, the strange fog before your eyes cleared and the shadow gained a face and distinctive features. A man, his hair of a recognizable silver-greyish color, wearing the shinobi standard vest and a mask over his face, stood right outside the slide doors to the garden, doing a silly little wave when you stared at him.

Still blinking in confusion, you turned to Chie, who fumed apparently when the man nearly touched the glass again. “That’s Kakashi Hatake? That’s the copy ninja?”

“No!” Chie stepped around you, hissing and spitting in good-natured annoyance. “This is the biggest pain in my neck!” Though, she nevertheless opened the door to the pain, while you could only stand and stare in badly hidden awe at her relaxed nature and teasing she gave the most dangerous shinobi of your time. “Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, with your heavily pregnant and dedicated girlfriend? Why are you here, bothering me to no ends?”

 

The invisible smile on Hatake’s face seemed to widen. Hard to say with the mask in the way. “Maa, can’t a man just go to his rival’s place and enjoy lunch with him? In a rivalrous way, of course.” His words were muffled through the glass and still easily understandable.

“Quit that bullshit. You have some kind of ulterior motive and believe me, Hatake,” Chie opened the door and allowed the man graciously to step inside, “I will get the photos to show around if you make any kind of ruckus.”

You had no idea what “the photos” were, but apparently, your friend held some potentially lethal bribing materials in her small, slender hands, measured at the scandalized eyes the man showed while stripping his sandals off. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh, I absolutely can and will.” Chie puffed her chest out, the sweater and the sweatpants slightly obscuring the picture of the fearsome woman she wanted to portray. “Now, get your always injured ass inside. It gets cold quickly.”

“Fall has its up- and downsides.” Hatake straightened, his sandals in hand and ready to drop them off in the entrance area, when his black eyes fell on you, how you still were wary of his very presence. “Oh, hello. A new face. Who adopted you, Gai with his unbreakable optimism or Chie with her claws and bat-wings?”

“I will claw your tongue out if you compare me one more time to a monster.” But Chie smiled as she brushed past him, mischief sparkling in her eyes. “This here is (Y/N) (L/N) and you kinda could say I adopted her. She’s also a nurse-!”

She couldn’t even finish her sentence. Hatake raised his hands, voice light and joking. “Oh no, another nurse. Wonderful.”

Kakashi Hatake, one of the most dangerous shinobi of the village, walked casually past you and gave you a closed-eyes smiled, before vanishing from the entrance area, feet bare and with a joke floating through the air. By now, every nurse and doctor heard of him and most tried to avoid having to deal with his antics and unreasonable requests. Except for Chie, who begrudgingly took over the role of his permanent nurse every time he managed to get himself into trouble. She was apparently the only one who could handle him in a reasonable way (meaning, not strapping him to the hospital bed with iron vessels for his own good) and you had tried to avoid the jonin with an almost fanatical belief.

 

Out of obvious reasons. A shinobi who knew a thousand jutsu? Someone who had lived this brutal life for decades, since he was a child? And everybody knew the rumors about Kakashi Hatake and his father, Sakumo Hatake, another elite ninja who failed a mission and killed himself afterwards. That had to scar a child permanently and even though deep down you couldn’t help but to feel sorry for the man, the almighty fear always overpowered any other emotion.

Now, there was only a short wave of involuntary panic, before the wave quieted and left nothing but slight curiosity behind. Maybe he was just as interesting as Gai. And how he bickered easily with Chie… Well, you trusted Chie and Gai in their ability to judge people. Surely, this Kakashi-guy couldn’t be that bad.

With a lighthearted shrug, you joined the merry round in the kitchen, breathing in the spicy scent of the deadly curry, the smell of meat and rice mixed into it. Gai was wearing his “Kiss the youthful cook”-apron, steering in the big pot with a large, wooden spoon again, while his mini-me cheered his sensei on with an enthusiasm you had to admire, while the other, not as enthusiastic students stood around and shook their heads at their crazy antics. And still, they looked incredibly satisfied with their lives, just glad to be in the others presence, grateful for another day, another today.

“What is happening?” you asked weakly and watched with growing shock how Gai speed the steering up, his arm slowly starting to blur.

Tenten leaned closer, whispering and throwing worried glances at either her sensei or Neji, who seemed more and more annoyed with every passing second. “Lee guessed the curry could be extra youthful if Gai-sensei would manage to stir it at least 10,000 times. And obviously, Gai-sensei was ready to accept the challenge on the spot.”

The first spurts of curry started to fly through the air, carried by the sheer speed the energetic teacher showed.

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

“A little bit.”

“Are they doing that often?”

Tenten sighed deeply. “Every day. Every single day.”

 

Neji growled on Tenten’s right side. “And drag us into their schemes.”

“No way of getting them out of their stupor,” you assumed and watched how both teens nodded in badly hidden aspiration, “Seems like we have to wait for…”

“Maito Gai, I swear to the gods!” Chie stepped into the kitchen, Hatake right on her heels. The woman was nearly bursting in anger, her eyes sparkling and cheeks reddening. “You made a promise! No ridiculous challenges inside the house!”

You knew this wouldn’t end pretty when Gai grinned at his wife and didn’t cease his steering one bit. “But my youthful flower,” he boomed, “This isn’t a challenge but a try to make this meal-!”

“I don’t care! There’s curry on the ceiling!”

“Lovely, beautiful Chie-!”

Her mouth turned into a pout, quicker than you could even realize. And you could see the change in Gai before the brunette even could say her next words, each and every single one of them perfectly thought through and measured to aim directly at Gai’s heart, who instantly fell right under her spell. “On the _ceiling_ , Gai. The last time you cleaned similar spots, you fell down and hurt your back. I mean, I don’t mind helping you in and out of the bath, but even in bed, there were some-!”

The man froze, panic clear on his face. It was so wonderfully easy to read him and a snort escaped you at the widened eyes, the sheen of sweat on his forehead and the caterpillar-eyebrows rising and rising further to his hairline. Quickly, Gai wiped the wooden spoon out of the deadly black mass of curry and dumped it in the nearby sink, only to hurry over to Chie and hug her to his wide chest, already crying into her hair. “I’m so incredibly sorry, my beautiful, graceful, most youthful flower of all! I got carried away by the enthusiasm of my student and lost sight of what should matter the most to me; my dear wife and love of my life!”

In his back, Chie formed a victory sign to Neji, Tenten and you, while Lee burst into a waterfall of tears on his own. “Such beautiful words, Gai-sensei,” he cried and scrambled frantically a notebook out of his shinobi vest, “I have to write them down to preserve them for the following generations! I just have to!”

Perfect chaos. Seeing all of them acting like the family they were made you feel lighthearted. The dynamic between these people, friendly and annoyed and easy, were so incredibly human. And you liked it, so much in fact, that you broke into a little giggle, one hand raised to cover your mouth and a louder laughter rolling through your chest. You didn’t care about the surprised stares you received from the not-knowing ones. You simply didn’t care. It was alright, it would be alright in the end. Because somehow, you were now a part of this little circle and for nothing in the ethereal world, you would exchange that feeling of absolute belonging for anything else.

 

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It started when the curry was distributed and Chie gave out her non-lethal food to the non-enthusiastic people. Her husband and Lee were already shoveling the far too spicy curry into their mouths, hollering and screaming when the pain settled on their tongues. You were just digging through a pile of wantons, chopsticks brandished and ready, when the first, oh so innocent question was dropped, uttered in a nonchalant, terribly innocent voice.

“So, (L/N)-san,” Hatake ignored the glare Chie threw at him, “What made you want become a nurse?”

You didn’t notice the short pause Gai went through or the worried glance Chie exchanged with her husband. Instead, you picked up a wanton and dumped it in the sauce which was also provided. “Oh, this and that…” you answered and quickly shoved the snack into your mouth. No one was that uncouth to ask something when the receiver of the question had the mouth full.

“This and that. Huh.” Kakashi hummed and wiggled his head. “An evasive answer.”

Taking your time, you carefully munched on your food and swallowed, only to wipe your mouth with a handed tissue. “It’s my answer, evasive or not.”

“The trait of all nurses also shows in you, I see. Hair on your teeth.”

“I will take that as a compliment.”

“Oh, absolutely. Was never intended as anything else.” The bright, innocent and yet invisible smile due to his mask grated on your nerves. “I just wanted to experience the other side of the medal, so to speak. I’m always in the hospital and trying to flee, while Chie-san chases after me…”

“Kakashi…” the brunette warned.

He didn’t even flinch at her reprimanding tone. Instead, his black, bottomless eyes were still fixed on your figure, measuring and testing. But what? You had no idea and when you lowered slowly your chopsticks to your white porcelain plate, realizing the happy chats between the younger people around the table ceased. Your scar started to tingle.

 

“Maa, Chie-san.” The copy ninja waved at the motherly nurse. “I’m only talking to her, nothing else.”

Every red light went off inside your head at that simple statement. No way he was only trying to talk to you. Hatake had an ulterior motive, the damn sneaky snake he was, and he didn’t want Chie or Gai to interfere.

Your fingers trembled the tiniest bit as you carefully folded the napkin and pressed the cloth flat onto the table. You nearly reached up to your scar and stroked over the slightly rough patch of skin, but you restrained yourself.

_Calm yourself down. He wants to know something, wants to find out something. My loyalty to Konoha, maybe? Even though I have no idea why my loyalty should be of any kind of interest for him or the village._

“Yeah, Chie.” You managed to catch her wide, angrily sparkling eyes. “We’re just talking. Nothing to be worried about.”

By now, all the other participants of the formerly comfortable lunch had stopped eating. Lee was blinking slowly, the bowl in his hands lowered halfway to the table and his big, round eyes switching between his sensei, Kakashi and your own person. Neji seemed mostly unaffected, but even while he drank calmly his green tea, he seemed to keenly listen to the antics erupting around him. And Tenten, sweet, protective Tenten. She had her cheeks puffed out, obviously just as angry as Chie and tried to stare the adult down who dared to pressure you with his questions.

The tingle in your scar lessened, but didn’t vanish completely. Yes, the people you liked were around you and despite the uncomfortable poking and stabbing of the copy ninja, you would survive. Everything would be alright in the end.

Kakashi didn’t seem to be aware of the tense silence around the table. Like a fool, he continued to chatter, his hands folded in front of his masked face. “See? We’re getting along just fine, something I would’ve never expected, considering she’s a nurse. I mean, nurses are all so mean and scary. She isn’t scary at all, isn’t she?” He elbowed Gai, who gave his eternal rival a strange look. “Considering I have almost a phobia of nurses, I should be out of my mind right now.”

 

This time, Gai threw a glance at Kakashi, asking and at the same time, _warning_ the man to continue, but he didn’t pick up the sign. Radiating a smug aura, he leaned back into his chair, arms crossed over his chest, while you tried desperately to keep your breathing under control. “But despite our nice talk, I can’t seem to shake off the feeling you don’t like me that much. How come, (L/N)-san? I see no reason to be scared of me, to be quite honest.”

You raised your hand, just in time to stop Chie from speaking up. “I have my reasons. Reasons I would like to keep to myself, Hatake-san.”

“Oh, no.” Even you could tell when a shinobi was trying to mess with you and right now, the tone Hatake used couldn’t sound more fake-enthusiastic. “What happened?”

For a second, you bit your tongue. Then, slowly, you released a breath, reached up and pulled down the neckline of your shirt, revealing the tingling and itching scar at the side of your neck. “I was nearly killed by a close friend of mine, who placed an order over my wellbeing. Only recently I learned that he is an ANBU, the so-called protectors of the village and their inhabitants. So, excuse me, Hatake-san, that I can’t really appreciate your probing and oh so secretive questioning of my background. As you might have noticed, this isn’t a story I share with anyone I meet on the streets, so thank you very much for making me spill it in front of people I barely know. Drop your act and ask me straight-forward what you want and then kindly fuck off.”

Even Neji stopped by now drinking his tea. His pale eyes were glued to the revealed and marked patch of skin, just like any other pair of eyes in the room. Except for two people. One was Kakashi, who looked you straight in the eyes, amused crinkles around the visible part of his face. The other was Gai, who kept staring at his friend, for his usual behavior almost glaring.

The minutes ticked by, spent in tense, dead silence. The only sounds were the ominous blubbering of the still cooking curry in the background and the weak singing of some of the last birds on the outside, muted through the stone and glass of the walls.

 

Until the copy ninja abruptly stood up, hands stuffed into the pockets of his standard issued pants and with a nonchalance which made your blood boil. Oh, by now you totally understood the dislike of Kakashi Hatake which had spread through the hospital like a plague.

“Oh, just wanted to test something.” he said and waved over his shoulder, already walking over to the glass doors leading into the garden. “Chie-san, it was like always a pleasure to see you. Sorry for the disturbance, but I’m going to check up on my girlfriend. Maybe we will see each other soon enough,” he glanced at you, “Konoha and the hospital especially are small, after all.”

With that, Hatake was gone, vanished in a whirl of wind and leaves. And you were none the wiser. Seconds later, a whirl of wind blew into your face and the mighty blue beast of Konoha was gone too, leaving behind nothing but a still shaking bowl and the specks of curry clinging to a napkin.

Slightly flabbergasted, you blinked, only to turn to the three young people around the table, who stared with wide eyes back, various degrees of shock and sympathy on their faces. “I think that was enough of lunch-entertainment for today. It was nice to meet you, Tenten, Lee, Neji.” You nodded at each of them and Neji even responded, nodding back, now with a new sheen of respect in his lavender-pale eyes. “Chie, I’m in my room for now. Thank you for the meal, it was delicious.”

Not waiting for an answer, you stood up and took a few steps. Then, a thought crossed your mind, which made you stop dead in your tracks and again turn around to your friend, who blinked a little bit in confusion. “Uhm… Where is my room?”

 

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Tenzo watched over Maito Gai’s house like a hawk watched his prey. He knew she was in there, safe and secure, from Kiyoshi and any other force of nature.

 _From me_ , the man thought bitterly and adjusted his position on the tree, _(Y/N) is also safe from me._

The door opened and the silhouette of his senpai came into view. Tenzo perked up, straining his eyes and ears to even catch a glimpse of her voice or her face… But he had no such luck, thus, slumped against the bark of the tree when Kakashi teleported right to his side, crouching and balancing on a nearby branch and eyes creased to his successful infiltration.

“And?” He tried to ban the sheer eagerness out of his voice. In some really distant way, Kakashi was his only family. To no one else he had the same kind of bond and relationship, the same kind of blind trust acknowledgement of his skills. So, his family meeting the woman he fell in love with… Even Tenzo realized that was a big thing. “How is she?”

“Considering the circumstances?” Kakashi shrugged, his keen vision set on the shadow of Maito Gai sprinting out of the house, head turning frantically in search for him. “Good. Pretty good. Calm, collected even. She cried earlier, before I came in.”

(Y/N) cried? Because of Kiyoshi, of course. Immediately, Tenzo felt the by now well-known sickness in his stomach and grimaced.

“Watch out, Tenzo. You didn’t wear your mask.”

Right. The painted porcelain was clipped to his belt, hanging by his side and digging slightly into his waist. Only the haori clung the Tenzo’s face and did nothing to hide his changing expressions. A new state for him. For so long, he wore his mask night and day, wore more masks to hide even the slightest bits of emotion, but since the day in the hospital and meeting (Y/N) again…

All the things he buried underneath the need to follow every single command and order he was given came to life again. And most of the time, it felt good. Tenzo felt good. For the first time in years, he could breathe freely, without the weights on his chest and shoulders he carried for so many decades. But sometimes ( _like over the entire the last week)_ the weights returned, pressed down on his bones, on his very soul and threatened to crush every single crumb of emotions he had left.

Not in this lifetime. Gritting his teeth, Tenzo watched how the blue beast of Konoha edged closer and closer to their hiding spot, relying on his instincts instead of chakra location to spot the two intruders. Like a wild animal, for the sake of his student. An admirable goal, if not a little bit too ambitious. But that was just Gai.

 

Suddenly, the bowl cut snapped upwards and the black and passionate eyes spotted the pair of silent shinobi right above his head.

“Kakashi! My eternal rival!” A split second later, Gai was with them in the tree, balancing right before Tenzo’s nose on the same branch as him. Thankfully the oak was quite strong and old, at least strong enough to support three men who had to discuss something beyond their integrity as shinobi. “Where is your usually hip and cool attitude? What was that?”

Kakashi smiled at his long-time friend. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“That, inside the living room!”

“Oh. _That._ ”

“You can’t just do that, my rival!” Gai balled his fists, the first signs of tears already hovering at the brink of falling. “She’s my dear wife’s friend and a guest in my home! There’s no way I could allow her to be disturbed in her time of recovering and healing!”

“And I’m not stopping her from doing that. Gai, you know me.” Kakashi said and didn’t even blink. “I just needed to find out what kind of person she is and what her stand is. For Tenzo.” For the first time, the energetic and well-known shinobi -even throughout the ranks of ANBU!- looked at Tenzo. His stomach plummeted to his feet at the slightly judgmental glance. That was exactly the moment he feared again and again whenever he had to introduce himself to new people. Would they see him as a breathing tool or as the human he wanted to be?

But then, a miracle happened.

Gai gave him a thumbs-up, the brightest smile of all on his face. “Hello, dear ANBU! My name is Maito Gai, the beautiful, strong, blue beast of Konohagakure! Nice to meet you! I assume, you’re the kouhai Kakashi mentioned a few times?”

What? Tenzo’s head whipped around, at what Kakashi shrugged again. “Yeah,” he said, voice flat and like he didn’t include the brunet into talks with other people, making him a person, a _real_ person in the _normal_ world. “Sometimes, even I have to pretend to have friends. Did I mention my girl wants to see you again?”

“For the cradle, yes.” Head still swirling from the revelation, Tenzo tried to concentrate. The situation called for a proper introduction to Gai, right…? So, he stretched his hand out, trying to smile while his face seemed painfully bare, the cold winds of fall breezing through the leaves of the tree.

 

“Hello, Maito Gai. My current name is Tenzo. It’s nice to meet you.”

A strong hand closed around his and the old fear of getting rejected vanished. Of course, someone as friendly and accepting as Gai wouldn’t do that, no matter what Tenzo’s job was, if it now involved assassination or even lesser tasks than that. “So nice to meet you! But, as youthful as our meeting is, I have to ask if you are the ANBU which got a little bit too close to (Y/N)-san and hurt her in the process?”

And there it was again, the same, sick feeling. _Hurt (Y/N)._ Yes, he did that, if involuntarily or not. Tenzo could only nod, his tongue in a knot and the words getting stuck in his throat.

Gai’s expression darkened the tiniest bit, eyebrows furrowing in the process. “Then, I have to ask you to refrain from coming here. I can see you truly care for her, the youth oozing from you tells me that! But, for her sake and also for yours, I ask you to stop coming here.” Then he added, “For the time being.”  

Tenzo couldn’t tell if his features portrayed anything, but his stomach had left his body by now. The damn thing must lay at the feet of the tree, still slightly bleeding and filled with all the strange emotions he experienced. Staying away? From the house where (Y/N) was?

But deep down, he knew the other man was right. Deep down, Tenzo knew he had to keep a grip on his control, start acting like a real adult and not like a stood-up child. He needed to truly think if there was something he could do and if it was a right thing to even pursue (Y/N) further. There was the possibility of him hurting her more with every step along the way, after all. And, even though Tenzo admitted, that only begrudgingly, there was also the chance of being hurt… _more_ by (Y/N) and that such kind of behavior wouldn’t be healthy. At all.

Slowly, he nodded.

“Hey.” Totally unlike the uncaring, nonchalant persona his senpai portrayed to the world, he placed a supportive hand on Tenzo’s shoulder. “I see it just like Gai. Give yourself and her a little bit of room. Currently, it doesn’t look too good, but I think there’s some hope. But she needs time, Tenzo. Just like you need time.”

The brunet nodded once more, even though his heart ached and throbbed, painfully aware of the presence of two other men who were happily engaged to their significant others while telling him to wait. They were happy, they had a normal life.

He just wanted that too.

“Okay. Alright. I’ll wait.” And with that, Tenzo jumped away, the leaves hitting his face and the wind drying the tiniest bit the small trickles of tears running down his bare face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the honor and glory to Chisie, who reads over every single mistake of mine and corrects them. Thank you!! :D


	12. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months pass by and you try to get your life in order again. Unfortunately, you can't forget Tenzo, no matter how hard you try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the kudos to Chisie! Thank you so much! :3

_Waiting. Waiting became over the years Tenzo’s second nature. He was able to sit for days in a tree and wait for the prey to walk by, for the first step into the right direction. But right now, he shuffled around and his instructors years ago would’ve scolded him for the nervousness and clear display of emotions in his movements. On top of that, his healed leg was still seizing sometimes, a side effect from the rapid healing after a severe inflammation. The damaged and then healed nerves tried to adjust to the quickly changing circumstances, thus, sometimes the man had to lay a single hand on the twitching leg and calm it while he sat in the tree, covered by leaves and branches and watched (Y/N) sleeping._

_In his stomach, the uncertainty battled the relief of seeing her again. Relief, because she was well and loved, cared for in a way he could never provide. She had a boyfriend, even in the weak light of the moon he could see the framed pictures right beside the bed and the clothing for a man mixed into hers. Uncertainty, because… Well, what if it only appeared to be like this? What if (Y/N) suffered still from the wound he inflicted on her all these years ago?_

_From what Tenzo saw, the girl he knew was long dead. The innocent curiosity, the wide acceptance, the bright smile for him. Everything gone, erased by a quiet, calm behavior, narrowed view on the population of Konoha and a timid grin._

_Erased by him, if he was correct. Guilt gnawed at his insides like a famished dog, eager to claw and bite into every possible corner and part of his consciousness. Underneath the white porcelain, Tenzo grimaced, while his eyes never strayed from the calmly breathing body, covered by thick blankets. Even through the partly closed blinds, he could see her as clear as daylight._

_A decision had to be made, the ANBU realized that a while ago. Again, his leg twitched, and out of habit, his free hand kept the restless appendage down, all the while his other hand flew up to rub the back of his neck. What was the best course of action here? Leave (Y/N) alone? She obviously feared people like him, people living in the shadows and trained to kill. Her reactions in the hospital more than showed that._

_Approach her? Was that even a choice here? Despair swirled through Tenzo’s head, entwining with an all compassing knowledge of not being good enough for a normal relationship apart from team comrades in ninja cells. Could he even make a normal friend? Or did he forget everything about the process over the years?_

_So many hurdles to think about, so many insecurities. Would she even hear him out? How to approach her the right way, that she wouldn’t shy away at the first glimpse of his face? Did she even remember him or just an ominous monster who slit her throat and threw (Y/N) away? Tenzo winced at the thought of (Y/N) rejecting him straight away. Well, he had to keep his mask on then._

_The man paused, only to shake his head. Internally, he already made his choice. His lonely heart did. Every fiber of his being pulled him into her direction, like a moth to the flame, enthralled by the beauty of the deadly entity._

_“Stop being a scaredy-cat,” he mumbled into the night, muffled by the mask, “Just… get in and talk to (Y/N)…?”_

_No, impossible. How should this talk even go? Hello, (Y/N), do you remember me? Yes, I’m the boy who nearly killed you and didn’t do that out of his first rebellion against the institution who raised me. Care for a coffee with cookies?_

_With a long, not so stealthy groan, Tenzo’s head hit the bark of the tree behind him. The moon was still high on the sky, a thin sickle and stars sparkling on the blanket of dark blue. Well, no revelation of his identity at the first… second meeting. Maybe…_

_An idea bloomed in his mind, slow and yet so incredibly relieving that he couldn’t help himself but to smile tiredly. Well, no big revelation right at the start. Just a good old, hearty “thank you” from a patient to a nurse. Yes, that would be alright._

_A small bud grew right beside his freshly healed leg. This time, Tenzo didn’t suppress the little crack in his mental armor. This time, he allowed the bud to grow, showing the first signs of white petals and blooming under the cold, soft moonlight._

_Possibly, it was the most beautiful flower he had ever grown on accident. With a deep breath in, he caressed the unknown plant, before jumping over to the windowsill, balancing his weight easily out on the small space. One, two motions of his hands, and the window was open. His gloves accidentally touched the outer side of the glass and came back slightly dirty and dusty, a sign nobody cleaned this side for some time. Absentmindedly, Tenzo filed that information in his brain, while the big part of his mind was concentrated on the woman soundly sleeping and not knowing what shadow creeped into her house. Silent, but quick like a flash, the ANBU hushed around, aware of the increased movements underneath the blanket. Somehow, (Y/N) felt his presence and just in time when her eyelids fluttered open, Tenzo was sitting with a heavily pounding heart in the lonely, old chair right before his entrance, elbows set on his knees, legs spread and trying not to smile at the sluggishly moving woman, who yawned and stretched the tiniest bit._

_This time, he wouldn’t fuck it up. This time, there was no Danzo to interfere. This time, he would do this the right way. Be her friend and nothing more._

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Living with Gai and Chie was easy. So wonderfully easy. The three of you fell into a comfortable rhythm of doing chores, cooking lunch or dinner, hasty morning rituals and shouted youth-speeches. Your room was simple but comfortable, a wide futon with boxes of your belongings piling around it, the soft blankets smelling of the flowery detergent Chie used for the nurse-uniforms. It made sleep come easy and dreams light. No nightmares after you left the shared flat behind, no dark shadows looming at the edges of your unconsciousness. Just a good night’s rest and you favored the dreamless nights over the irritatingly soft and warm dreams with Kinoe’s presence hovering nearby.

With every passing day, you grew more comfortable in the house where potentially dangerous shinobi wandered in and out. You didn’t flinch anymore away from Neji and his deadly hands when he reached past you to get the sugar for his tea. You didn’t turn around in badly hidden fear when Tenten decided the garden of her sensei was the perfect spot to train how to make it rain forged steel. You didn’t mind anymore when you saw Lee’s fast jabs at the training post, wearing the wood down like his limbs were made out of knives and swords. It was alright. They were still the easily lovable, cheerful and supportive teenagers you came to like and even love. Despite the rocky start, Neji had a quite wise and serious perspective on the world. One evening, Gai and Chie invited Team 10 into their house once more, you actually had a vivid conversation with the Hyuuga about the morals and code of the shinobi world, which he possibly despised even more than you did. He didn’t name a particular reason, but measured at the surprised glances Tenten and Chie gave him, it was a topic Neji usually avoided in its entirety.

You of all people wouldn’t press the matter.

Working was at first… A challenge. When you returned to the hospital, with shadows underneath your eyes and hanging shoulders, the head nurse turned into a dragon at your long absence. Tiredly, you bore the hissed speech she gave you, only to nod at the number of extra shifts she assigned you to. Nothing you would have to say would convince the old witch to change her mind or -heavens!- have some sympathy with you. The tirade only ended when Shizune knocked at the door of the head nurse, who begrudgingly let you carry on with your day.

 

Dealing with the civilians was as easy as always. Dealing with the normal ninjas, like genin and chunin was alright, not too much to handle, but a little chill would wander down your spine at the thought of children being able to kill you in a matter of seconds. But for the first time in decades, you allowed yourself to really listen to them. You would listen to their words and watch carefully their actions, their worries over the injuries and when they would be able to go back to mission roster. And you could easily see the humans behind their problems, the humans with their problems and worries and dreams.

For the first time in decades, you realized how stupid and ignorant you had been. How much of a blind bitch you had been. Disregarding all shinobi because of their jobs… Talking about a tiny mind. Everything you ever learned about the shadow warriors, everything you saw and everything you got to know, simply every little tidbit you filed under “dangerous information”, when everything every other shinobi than Tenzo ever did was protecting you from the dangers of the other hidden villages. You had no reason to hate a whole group of people for so long and you were ashamed of yourself for being… being like you had been before a mysterious ANBU came along and made you realize how wrong you were.

In a way, you had to admit one morning, when you came back to Chie’s house after an especially long shift and after an especially gruesome operation, Tenzo managed to bring you back on the right track. Whatever he wanted to achieve, at least, he managed to ease your paranoia for ninjas into a slight anxiety and showed you that they all were more than only the masks they wore to protect their identities.

That didn’t mean you were ready to forgive Tenzo for what he did. No matter if his goal was to cure you from your blindness; _He had tried to kill you_. Nearly managed to, if not for the miraculous arrival of your parents on the clearing. No, you didn’t want to see Tenzo, didn’t want to know about him, didn’t want to hear his warm voice, didn’t want to feel his warmth, didn’t want anything from him.

And _still_.

 

Yet, sometimes, in the strangest moments, you missed him. Missed the calm presence and the quiet voice. Missed the typical scent of leather, weapon’s oil and pure nature, of trees and plants and forest, the small gestures of care like holding hands and or bringing coffee over because your coffee machine was broken…

Especially in the first weeks after you left Kiyoshi. Right in your stomach, there was a hole and a part of yours wanted to fill that hole with _something_ , a little bit of care and sympathy, body contact and whispered conversations. You shrugged it off as the typical loneliness after a break up, and that every other interested man could fill that hole, but after those few initial weeks, you couldn’t fool yourself anymore.

You didn’t miss the warmth and care of a random person. You missed specifically Tenzo, and no other man or woman would be able to fill that hole in your heart. That is, until you would be able to wear these irritating feelings off. So, you carried on with your days, worked in the hospital, grew more comfortable with the presence of shinobi around you, started interacting with the medic ninjas more, talked to Chie and Gai and his loved team of dedicated students. You thought over the passing time, this longing and crave would surely fade away, back into the depths of your mind, forgotten and buried like the childhood memories of Kinoe had been.

But not to avail.

You even had the distinct feeling the crave for Tenzo specifically grew stronger over the time. When you wandered through the hospital, running to another emergency operation or checking on your patients, occasionally, your eyes would sway over the small groups of shinobi, always faintly hoping for a hazelnut-colored mop of shaggy hair or the well-known body, cladded into the grey and black tinted ANBU-uniform. When you went home, Chie by your side and chatting the tiredness away, your vision would fly from time to time around, searching the trees for a sign of ANBU presence, and it was no coincidence that you left, after a month of useless struggle against your emotions, the blinds of your guest room open and the window unlocked.

 

But nothing happened. No one came. And still, you kept the window unlocked, all the while brushing through the newspaper and searching for a small flat for yourself and occasionally glancing outside, hoping to see a familiar shadow hovering around.

Two whole months went by. Two months of growing into your new mindset, two months of searching, visiting and disregarding flats and apartments. Until you really found a new, small space to live, just a few minutes away from the hospital. In a relatively calm sidearm of the main street, fitted for a single person to live alone. Sure, it wasn’t the most modern flat, but all in all, a new home which could be easily decorated to be comfortable. But you selected this special flat over any other option because of one special trait. A roof garden, a small, green oasis in the middle of Konoha. When you saw the steps leading upwards and realized you had the chance to go up and enjoy lazy hours or care for some easy-to-handle plants, you couldn’t wait to sign the contract as soon as possible.

Even two days after you signed that contract, you were still in awe over the little diamond in the mud and couldn’t stop fawning over it to Chie, who bore your enthusiasm with a gentle smile. “…I just need to find a nice couch and some shelves for my stuff. A kitchen is already inside from the last inhabitant and it’s also pretty modern! Sure, also really small and the bathroom is a bit cramped, but it’s not like I’m moving in there with a whole family, but by myself.”

“And what’s with a bed?” she asked and slipped into her nurse uniform. “Do you have one? Do you need one? We have some spare futons…”

“I’m not looking for a futon, thanks. I’ll see if I can find a second-hand frame somewhere, the mattress will cost enough to pull out my teeth.” You grimaced at the thought of buying that particular expensive item, but there was no helping it. Except for your clothes, books and other personal things like some pans, plates and cutlery, you left all furniture behind.

With a last hand gesture, you pulled your hair out from underneath the deformed hat of the uniform. “And I have some savings. Don’t worry about me, alright? I will pull through somehow.”

“Are you sure?” Chie asked. “You know, you’re always welcome in our house. Gai and I have no problem with letting you stay longer, it’s actually quite nice to have some relief on our chores you do so willingly…”

 

A snort escaped you. “I’m sure. And of course, I will do some chores around the house. I’m not a complete parasite.” One last tug at your uniform and you were ready to start your shift. Not that you were overly eager. 24 hours of emergency room duty. Meant a lot of patients, lots of blood and tears, and when it was an especially bad day, lots of impatient people who waited a long time with only minor injuries, who got nasty and complained loudly to anyone who was willing to listen.

“Where are you today?” you asked while you waited for your friend, who just adjusted her hat just like you had done only a few minutes ago. “Maybe we can grab some lunch when you’re not too far away from the emergency room.”

To your surprise, Chie shook her head, features twisted into something similar to exasperated annoyance. “No. Kakashi managed to get himself again into the hospital and apparently, made one of the new nurses cry with his antics. Of course, the head nurse gets me to care for him.” She grimaced. “24/7 if needed.”

“My sympathies.” Handling Hatake’s strange habits sounded definitely far worse than dealing with impatient people.

“You aren’t. I can see it in your face.” Chie pouted, still with a childish sparkle in her warm eyes. Then, she gave in to the exasperation swirling through her head and threw her hands into the air. “Oh, just go. I can’t stand you any longer. It will be so great to finally have the house again to ourselves.”

You snorted. “For what? Weekly knitting competitions with your beloved husband?”

“No. But something else we can do together. For a long period of time and you can maybe imagine, Gai has incredible stamina-!”

Like a child, you slapped your hands over your ears and started to sing. “Lalalala, I can’t hear you and I also _don’t_ want to hear what kind of sick games you play with Gai~!”

Still singing on purpose too loud and far too off-key, you walked backwards out of the dressing room, nearly bumping into one of the head nurse’s pets who looked a bit put off by the sight of you, walking backwards and with your hands blocking any sound from your ears, all the while making sounds akin to cat-mating-calls. When you noticed the skinny man, you only winked at him, before strutting quickly out of the room, the laughter in your chest rolling around and spreading through your limbs.

 

Yes, you felt alright again, despite the constant doubts in your mind. With a swing in your step you didn’t have in a long time, you went on your way to the emergency room. And despite the long shift ahead, you were looking forward to your work, the work you loved. Because you helped people, because you helped the people who could save someone from the threshold of death. That was the reason to become a nurse in the first place and over the time, the reason had faded from your mind, together with the memories of your childhood.

Another thing you kind of owed to Tenzo, your renewed passion for your work. One last time, you tugged your uniform into place, before straightening your spine and marching into the chaos-center of every hospital, the emergency room.

Immediately, you were pulled into the busy noise and the hectic voices around you. Sure, there was no catastrophe preying upon you, no earthquake or whatsoever, but in a village with ninjas, blood and broken bones were never too far away, together with the accidents which happened all the time. A father of three sweet children falling off the ladder while exchanging a flickering light bulb for a new one, holding his lower back with tears in his eyes and the children fussing around him. A genin stumbled into the emergency room, who had trained his chakra control by trying to climb a tree without the usage of his hands, now decorated with leaves, cuts, bruises and a nasty head injury. After that, a woman came in, hobbling and wobbling on one leg, all the while a far too energetic dog jumped around her, the leash circling her still working leg. An old, married couple, her saying that he felt pain in his chest and left arm, while he grumbled that he didn’t need a doctor.

Dozens of patients, dozens of injuries, dozens of different problems. And even when your cheeks started to hurt slightly from the constant smiling, even when your throat was dry from all the gentle words you said, you still pushed forward, enjoying every second of the chaos around you.

 

Next patient was a cook, going by the name of Kai who had cut himself pretty badly into his hand. Internally, you already went through a list of things you needed to do to properly treat the wound and make sure no infection would spread. _Cleaning the cut, making sure that the edges aren’t too roughed up, probably going for stitches if too deep, calling a doctor if that is the case, compress, iodine, bandage, new appointment in a week. Now, let’s see…_

Swiftly, you stepped around a bunch of genin with their sensei in the middle, who wore sunglasses and a bandana, who suffered apparently from a really strong nosebleed. There, just on the bench across, was the cook, easily noticeable due his white cook uniform, the bloody tea towel wrapped around his right hand and Kiyoshi sitting by his side, talking calmly to his sous chef, the shoulder length hair bound into a low ponytail.

_Wait. Kiyoshi?_

Abruptly, you stopped, clipboard in your hands and eyes transfixed on your ex, who noticed you in the exact same moment. Like he was a puppet, his movements directed by strings and by another force who didn’t quite understand how his body was supposed to work, Kiyoshi stood up, while his sous chef stared also with wide, teary eyes up to you, like a child who was slightly scared his parents would start a fight right in front of him.

You waved at them. “Hey.”

_Why did you wave? Oh god, you’re so stupid!_

Kiyoshi waved back. “Hey. Good… good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too. How are you?”

“Good. Really good.

“That’s… good.”

“Yeah.”

Your fingers drummed against the back of your clipboard, all the while Kiyoshi was rocking back and forth on his feet, arms crossed in his lower back. The tension in the air was almost too much to handle, even more than standing in a too small room with a few ANBU. Then, finally, Kai groaned in badly masked pain, if now from the physical injury or the indeed painful, awkward conversation and the following silence, you couldn’t tell. At least, the single sound snapped you out of your stupor and you turned to the injured man, aware that Kiyoshi followed every of your movements closely.

 

“Alright, just let me take a look… Uuuh, that’s nasty.”

Kai pressed a snort through his gritted teeth as you gently examined the deep wound, slashing through the flat of his palm. “No shit, lady.”

“What did you do? Probably thought it would be alright to cut the potato in your hand right after the monthly sharpening of the knives, huh?”

“Pretty much.” Kiyoshi leaned over the injured hand of his sous chef. “Only that it was an apple.”

“Close enough for me. Alright,” you straightened and waved Kai into a standing position too, “We get you in a little, secluded room to clean out the wound, look a little bit closer and I will get a doctor to stitch you up. Follow me.”

Their steps behind in your back reassured you to straighten your spine a little bit further when you lead them a small, secluded room, where you ordered Kai to sit down on a stretcher in the middle of the room. Absentmindedly, you went through the cupboards around the room, gathering the components to properly clean the wound before the doctor coming in would even think about doing the necessary stitches.

“How are you?” Kiyoshi asked, and you froze, with bandages and compresses gathered in your hands and just reaching out to the bottle of iodine and, just in case, some weak hydrogen peroxide. “It has been some time.”

“I’m fine, really. The restaurant is going great, I assume?”

“Yeah.” Shuffles and the ruffles of the white cooking uniform erupted in your back. When you turned around, Kiyoshi had his arms crossed over his chest, a tired yet satisfied smile on his face. “We had to hire two new waiters and I’m thinking about engorging the whole place, maybe at the end of next year if we can make it. The daimyo wants to go on another travel soon and already requested my presence. Apparently, I did great last time.”

“Sounds great. I’m happy for you.” And you meant it. Kiyoshi was a good cook, an even better leader of his kitchen, and slowly, all the years of spending night and day in the kitchen of his restaurant started to pay off. His talent was recognized, by the highest levels of the country and also by the people of Konoha, who streamed every day into his place, eagerly gobbling every single bit on their plates up and still wanting more.

 

Carefully, you arranged your tools on a moveable, small table and dragged it closer to Kai. “Drop the tea towel. I will clean the wound now. I’m not going to lie, it will hurt, but you have to keep still and promise not to hit me.”

The sous chef clenched his teeth, before nodding and slowly unwrapping the towel again. “How serious is it?” he asked, before you even had the chance to start.

“I mean, I’m not an expert,” you joked and wetted a compress slightly with the hydrogen peroxide, “But to me, it looks like the muscles and nerves haven’t been severely damaged and as soon as all the blood is cleaned up,” without further ado, you pressed the cloth to Kai’s palm and heard how he hissed through his teeth, “I can inspect it further.”

“Okay. Maybe a vague estimation how long it will take to heal up?”

You pulled the compress back, once white and now soaked in bright red blood. One second, and new blood pooled in Kai’s palm, who cursed when the first drops dribbled to the ground and on his white-cladded knees. “Fuck!”

“No worries.” Not one bit fazed by all the red, you handed the next compress over, this time without any additional liquids. “If I had to take an educated guess, then I would say two weeks at least. Depends how much you move your hand and strain the injury after that.”

Seeking for help, Kai looked past you at his boss, who laughed loudly at the helpless, puppy-eyed stare he received. “No luck here, bud,” he said, “I told you so many times to cut everything where it belongs: on the goddamn counter. A break of two weeks will be good for you.”

Both cooks continued their banter, effectively distracting Kai from the pain when you again started to dab a compress soaked with hydrogen peroxide on the now clean wound. And what a nasty wound. Two weeks of recovery were only a minimum and Kai could call himself be lucky that his hand nerves appeared not to be damaged. While both men continued to talk (about a possible replacement for Kai as a sous chef), you quickly went over to prepare the hand to be stitched up. A quick task. Searching the cabinets for a needle, the specific thread and more compresses, and the only thing which was left was to inform the doctor that there was somebody in need of his help.

 

“This will be a quick ordeal,” you interjected gently, just when Kiyoshi broke into a little laugh, “I just need to get someone to take an additional look at your hand, then you can be patched up. Can I leave you for two seconds alone?”

Kai nodded. But Kiyoshi, Kiyoshi was looking slightly alarmed at your words, forehead wrinkled and mouth open, like he wanted to call you back when you stepped outside.

Strange. Outside of the small doctor’s office, you allowed yourself two seconds to regain your composure. It was so strange to meet Kiyoshi right here, in the emergency room for the first time after you had broken up with him. Strange to see him, obviously recovered from the worst of the invisible injury you enforced on him, well and confident again. He was the same he was before everything. At the same time, he wasn’t. It was hard to describe, hard to grasp, but you thought Kiyoshi kept himself a little bit straighter, his posture a bit taller and his movements a little bit less restricted than before.

The weight of his emotional shackles had fallen off, after all. You smiled to yourself. He got over his feelings for you, moved on and hopefully kept the ring for a better fitted girl, who was worthy of supporting him in the right way.

Unluckily, you didn’t get over your feelings for Tenzo. Whenever you thought of him, your stomach churned, tightened and felt like you ate a whole bucket of sand. Just like right now and with a low sigh, you let your head fall forward, giving yourself graciously five more seconds to recover.

Until…

Until a hand grabbed your wrist. A familiar hand, with calluses and scars of years of cutting himself accidentally while cutting fish, meat or vegetables.

“Hey.” Kiyoshi closed the door behind him, shutting Kai out of the conversation. “I just wanted to ask how you are.”

“Oh, come on!” Smiling, you shook your head. “I already told you that!”

“But I’m asking again. And now I want an honest answer.”

Thankfully, the little booth where you led Kai was in a less busy corner of the emergency room. Like this, nobody else saw how your forcefully carefree expression crumpled away, how you breathed deeply out and all the tiredness of some late nights crashed into you.

 

One more time, you breathed out, feeling the air rushing through your lungs like a refreshing breeze. Then, you looked up and answered the questioning look your ex gave you with a weak grin. “It certainly wasn’t easy. Mostly, I spent time working on my phobia of shinobi. Searching for a new flat and stuff like that. I made some now friends, I think, and I found a new place. Have to plan the move next and the stress of some extra shifts is eating me away, but nothing I won’t survive. As I said, I’m really fine. Now.” you added after a second.

Kiyoshi still didn’t seem relieved. But the grip around your wrist loosened, just an easily breakable restrain around your arm, nothing less. “What about…?” He fidgeted on his feet, looked around with cautious eyes. “What about the guy you fell in love with?”

_The guy I fell in love with. Let’s think. Well, he’s an ANBU who nearly killed me when I was a kid, but after I had some time, I kind of miss him too. I’m in a limbo state of craving and rejecting and I’m so goddamn confused that I don’t know what to do._

Your earlier smile fell, withered away while your memories returned to the many, happy occasions of Tenzo being in your home, in your proximity and close by. The pierce in your heart let one of your hands fly up to your chest, clawing into the fabric of your nurse uniform. “It’s…” you chocked. “It’s complicated.”

_Complicated, indeed. An understatement._

“What of it?”

“The circumstances are. Incredibly, even.” Kiyoshi’s eyes bore into yours. For some seconds, you were able to withstand his gaze, but then, you lowered your head, mumbling more into the neckline of your clothing. “He’s a shinobi. And… I couldn’t deal with that. Can’t properly deal with that. I’m trying, but…” You sighed. “It’s hard.”

You felt how Kiyoshi looked you up and down, checking for something only he knew about, before letting completely go. “Doesn’t sound too good.”

“No shit.”

“Hey.” His voice had an incredibly soft and unbearable gentle tone when he spoke and you couldn’t help yourself but to try and shield yourself from the affect the words had on you, even though it was useless. “Despite that we aren’t together anymore, I don’t mind trying to be friends. I’m over it. And even though you don’t love me romantically anymore, doesn’t mean we have to cut each other out of our lives. Can we try that?”

 

You seriously wanted to answer him. In fact, your mouth was already open to give Kiyoshi a positive answer, something reassuring and along the lines of “Yeah, sure, I would love to!” But then, Chie’s voice echoed through the emergency room and measured at her tone, she wasn’t too happy.

“ _(Y/N)! I need you for a second!”_

There she was, waving and looking in general too annoyed for you to make her want to wait. With a small nod in Kiyoshi’s direction, you made your way over, even though the foul feeling in your stomach about such an inquisition wouldn’t lessen one bit. “I will get back to you,” you promised, before hastily making your way through the crowd of injured people.

Chie stood in the hallway leading to the patient rooms, her arms crossed over her chest and tapping her foot. But she wasn’t annoyed with you, that much was clear when you saw the relieved flicker on her face when she spotted you closing the distance.

“It’s Hatake,” Chie directly told you, “He wants you to be his nurse.”

“What?” Before you could ask further, the brunette nearly run off, what left you with the only choice of following her at the same speed. “Why? What is his problem?”

“I have no idea.” Chie growled. “He just came back from a mission with a broken collarbone and some cuts at his upper torso. At first, he was unusually compliant, didn’t argue, no jokes, nothing. Then, just when I gave him some morphine to make him stop whining about his collarbone, he starts to wiggle and hurt himself. I ask what’s wrong and he goes: “I want to see (Y/N). You’re mean to me,” yadda yadda yadda.” Her hands flew through the air, gestures sharp and underlining how annoyed she was truly. “I immediately went to get you, for some minutes I can handle the emergency room. Will you be alright?”

Abruptly, Chie stopped in front of room 104, which was known to be the “personal” room of Kakashi Hatake. Measured at the amount of time he spent in the hospital, they soon had to prepare a permanent sign with his name for the door.

“Yeah, sure.” A smile flashed over your face. “I’m not going to lose to his antics, don’t worry.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to, the morphine should’ve kicked in by now, he should be too high to protest much if you really don’t-!”

Chie. Good old, nice Chie. Her wide eyes reflected the worry she harbored for you, knowing you didn’t quite like the eternal rival of her husband, but you waved her off, still smiling and internally bracing yourself to ignore every word Hatake would say. “I will be alright. I’m an adult and if Hatake wants to be a little brat, then I can deal with it. Don’t worry.”

 

To cut off any further discussion and to start the unwanted task as soon as possible, you brushed past your friend and opened the door to room 104. Inwardly, you were quivering at the possibility of more questions aimed at your past, but you tried to brace yourself for any kind of interrogation.

You expected a keen and sharp copy ninja, waiting to ambush you. You expected clear words, sly questions, hidden intentions. What you didn’t expect, however, was the loopy grin underneath a black mask and the oh so obvious happiness radiating from Hatake when he spotted you. Sitting upright in the bed, upper body bare and revealing some still bleeding cut wounds, he seemed far too happy for his usual defiant and hospital-hating self.

“ _Heeeey_ ,” the man waved at you with his left arm, while the right was carefully angled in his lap, “Good to see you, (L/N)-san. Really good to see you.”

“Hello Hatake-san.”

“Wonderful day, isn’t it?”

“Depends.” He was far too high. Maybe he wasn’t quite used to the morphine and that was the reason why he reacted this strongly and rapidly to the pain medication. You stepped towards the bed, already creating a list in your head what had to be done. “Are you in any kind of pain? Do you need more medication?”

“Nope,” his head rolled from one side to the other, “Only my heart is in vain. My girlfriend can’t come visit me~!” Then, Kakashi broke into a giggle, while you could only stand and stare at the dangerous jonin with a reputation to be feared, laughing to himself like a schoolgirl with a serious crush.

Your mouth was hanging open, before you regained your composure. Alright, Hatake was high. Terribly high, but that wouldn’t stop you from doing your job. One breath in, one out, and you felt halfway ready to face the task of patching the copy ninja up again, while he smiled stupidly up at you, eyes creased and the grey hair disheveled.

_You got this. Don’t react, he doesn’t know better. Just do your job and leave as quickly as possible._

Apparently, Chie left some bandages close to the hospital bed, fitting for the wounds at his torso. With a little sigh, you picked them up and turned to Hatake, who was still giggling to himself. “Arm up,” you ordered and leaned in, “And don’t worry, I take care of the collarbone after that.”

 

Maybe a little bit rougher than necessary, you bandaged the man up. Despite your annoyance with the high-as-a-kite man, you would finish the job and not run off like some of the less experienced nurses around the hospital. While you made sure the bandages, band-aids and compresses would stay where you wanted them to stay, Hatake seemed to be totally out of it. You were pretty sure he was humming through the process, swaying slightly from side to side and happily grinning underneath the stupid mask of his.

One last time, you wrapped the bandage around his ribcage, fastened the white linen with some straps and made sure there were no wrinkles to irritate the wounds underneath, before turning to the broken collarbone.

“A medic nin will see you in a minute,” you started to fold a triangle bandage, voice stern and only a tiny bit sharper than usual, “And you already received pain medication. What I’m going to do now is stabilize the arm and shoulder to make sure the broken bones of your collarbone don’t move too much around. Until the medic ninja will start the treatment, please, don’t move around, don’t stand up and please don’t touch the injury or bandage.”

“Maa, you’re no fun.”

“These injuries are no fun. Now, hold still and do as I tell you.” Carefully, you started to maneuver the affected arm towards Kakashi’s bandaged chest, all the while you felt the intense stare of the jonin on your actions. “Hold it there.”

“You have forgotten that shinobi are also human, haven’t you?”

You froze on the spot. Strangely, your heart started to pound heavily in your chest, drumming against your ribcage like a mad man in search for a way out of his misery. Fingers starting to shake and lips dry, you leaned in to Hatake, wrapping the ends of the triangle bandage around his neck and tying them together. “Humor me,” you hissed through gritted teeth, “That’s something I already realized. Any other wise insights?”

 

You weren’t sure, but you would guess he was smiling slightly underneath his mask. “Oh? I’m too late, huh? Sorry, I saw a black cat and had to take a different route.”

“Cut the crap and spill whatever you have to say, Hatake!” Despite your harsh words, you gently pulled the correctly angled arm into the sling hanging around his neck. Only when you were sure the collarbone and shoulder wouldn’t be strained no matter what Hatake would do, you let go of the arm, only to find yourself face to face with a happily grinning jonin. “What?” you growled, hands balled into tight, painful fists.

“Shinobi are also human. I forgot that myself, for a long time.” Kakashi still grinned and despite the heavy medication, you realized it wasn’t easy to open himself up. He surely wasn’t used to that, talking about his feelings and especially to a barely stranger who knew him only by his scary reputation and nothing else. “From the moment we step into the ninja academy, we start to lose ourselves. And sooner or later, all of us face the inevitable. The truth, that shinobi mean next to nothing to our system, that behind us wait more than enough to fill the spot we leave behind in case we should die.”

You didn’t want to hear this. Didn’t want to hear how much they all suffered for ungrateful idiots like you, didn’t want to hear what they sacrificed for the safety of people who were scared of them. But Kakashi continued, still talking in that terrible, horrible cheerful voice, just like he was talking about the latest shenanigans of Gai. “And those are people from a relatively normal background. Now, imagine a small boy who grew up in the darkness, who knows nothing but the darkness, who stands up in the morning to train, to kill his friends and to train more, only to kill his emotions for dinner. He had no idea he was even a human at all, just a tool for the man who tried him to shape into nothing more than that. And then the small boy meets someone outside of that system, someone who shows him how life could be, someone who’s a friend to him, his first friend he doesn’t have to fear to lose.”

 

Hatake blinked two times, slowly and like he was close to fall asleep, before his gaze sharpened again. “He didn’t even have an idea what it meant to be human. Had no clue about emotions, no idea what to do. And then, his master finds out, the same person who installed the only goal in his mind.”

“Follow the order.” you mumbled mindlessly, while tears burned in your eyes. “No matter what.”

Out of instinct, you understood where Hatake wanted to go with his slightly mumbled speech. Somehow, from somewhere, he knew Tenzo and his background, knew what happened to him and what happened to you. And he wanted to show you the greater picture behind the terrible accident, wanted to show you what you didn’t want to hear from Tenzo himself.

“Follow the orders,” he stumbled over the last word, tongue heavy from the morphine, “No matter who stands in your way. I won’t say your influence wasn’t strong enough, but it was weak against years of indoctrination. Nothing would’ve stood a chance against that.”

“Fucking stop. I don’t want to hear this.” It was too much. Suddenly, it wasn’t only Kinoe’s fault. It was also yours, yours now why Tenzo was in pain and why you were in pain. By being panicked, you pushed away the chance of you being happy and even worse, you destroyed maybe Tenzo’s only chance to live in the light. He had been alone all his life, for so many years. Who were you to deny him all of that?

 _Scared_ , that’s what you were. Scared shitless of letting him near you again. But at the same time, your heart wanted nothing more but to wrap Tenzo up, wanted to shelter and care for him like he had cared for you.

Biting your bottom lip, you hid your face behind your hands. The shame rolled through your mind, the shame of being unable to give Tenzo what he wanted, the only thing he would ever want from you. And you? Were unable to give it to him, because your scar was tingling and the fear coiled in the deepest depths of your guts. Unreasonable and yet still existing fear.

 

“Then, don’t listen.” The shinobi winced slightly when a flash run through his veins. “Read it.”

That strange statement indeed managed to rip you at least temporarily out of your misery. Eyes rimmed in an ugly red, you looked up to see Hatake waving around an envelope, still grinning and his injured arm still in the sling. You had no idea where he hid that and you didn’t have the nerve to ask. Instead, your widened eyes were transfixed on that single, dirty-white paper, while Kakashi continued to talk his mouth off. “The only thing I’m asking from you is to at least consider opening this letter and reading it. Without any prejudices. If you think you can’t stand it, well, then don’t open it. As simple as that. But really think about him when you mull over the decision. Think about how he accepted your fear and how he waited, never pushed for anything.”

A broken sob spilled from your lips. Sight blurry, you stumbled forward and took the letter into your hands. “You’re playing dirty.” you whispered and safely stored the important letter away in a deep pocket of your uniform.

“Just making sure you don’t run away.” Kakashi retorted. Then, the man chuckled lowly. “A good senpai looks out for his cute kouhai.”

_Of course. Of course, he knows him._

One last time, you wiped over your stupidly watering eyes with the back of your hand. “How is he?”

“Given the circumstances? Good. Why is it of your concern?”

You smiled weakly. “I’m a nurse,” you said and instantly knew you couldn’t fool the man who was high on medication, “And he was in my care. Of course, I’m still invested in his well-being.”

As an answer, Kakashi only hummed and finally leaned back, his intense eyes closing and already snoring when you stepped out of his room, one hand clasped over the pocket where Tenzo’s letter was burning through your clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly going towards the goal for this fic and believe me, it will be sugary-sweet. If there are any questions, comments or criticism, I would appreciate it! :D


	13. Deciding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening the letter is more difficult than you thought. Just when you are close to the edge, Gai is there and manages to be the the usual positive man. And that's exactly what you need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chisie, you're my hero T^T

_Tenzo knew he was screwed when (Y/N) offered him to stay over when he was chakra drained and too exhausted to make his way over the roofs back to his lonely, cold apartment. His body ached and his blood seemed to pulse only sluggishly through his veins, he nearly fell right there to (Y/N)’s feet and would’ve thanked her profoundly if not for the total exhaustion suddenly catching up on him. One moment, he stood upright and talked normally with the woman, the next, he found himself heavily leaning against her body, scrambling desperately for some support and at the same time, not wanting to leave the embrace of her arms ever again. She smelled so good, so nice._

_He never planned for this. Never expected this. Hell, he wanted to help her find her old self, not fall in love with her! An emotion he only knew from the strange, cheap books his senpai loved to read and sometimes had made Tenzo read them out loud in front of their squad just to pick on him and the blush which would definitely spread on his face. And now? He was so far high up on cloud nine he couldn’t see the ground anymore. For the first time in his life in the shadows, Tenzo felt alive. Electricity seemed to zip through his body whenever he was close to (Y/N), he felt warm and bubbly when he looked into her eyes or listened to her smooth voice, his heart pounded in his chest and his fingers shook when she smiled in visible happiness at him. (Y/N) was happy to see him._ Him _, not the tool, not the human weapon. The human behind the mask. And with each passing day, Tenzo found himself falling harder and faster than he would’ve ever imagined._

_Thank god he saw how (Y/N) developed also some feelings for him. Suddenly, she would get flustered in his presence, at the same time, coming physically closer than the weeks prior, even allowing the slightest bit of random touches like hands brushing while he cooked and she watched, sometimes handing him some tools or knives whenever he asked for them. She definitely developed some kind of romantic feelings for him, otherwise, Tenzo couldn’t explain why she would answer the innocent knee-nudge underneath the blankets, with cookies in their hands and nervousness in their hearts._

_And now this._ This _, more namely a poisoned kunai which had lodged itself into his thigh when he wanted to protect his teammate. The venom ran through his body like lava, burning him inside and out, and for some long, torturous hours, Tenzo was convinced he would die. Die as a tool for the village he was possibly born in (or not), die for people he didn’t really care for, never saw, never talked to. He would die for the security of the small hand of people he considered close and for the woman who held his heart without even knowing the full extent of his feelings._

_Goddamn. He would never have the chance to confess._

_Strangely, his thoughts were floating above the unbearable pain, loosened from the physical body which withered and wrecked in seizures on the stretcher, only barely contained by the hand-cuffs and bindings his comrades put on him in order that he wouldn’t hurt himself. Like this, Tenzo was aware of the exact moment when (Y/N) spotted him, the clipboard cluttering to the ground and a weak gasp falling from her mouth. A terrible sound. He wanted to open his mouth and tell her he was sorry, that everything would be alright, she didn’t need to worry about someone like him. But the pain choked Tenzo, stuffed his throat and tied his tongue. He was so heavily concentrated on (Y/N)’s reactions that he only noted down the exact moment when he was carried away from the woman, who had given the reigns to one of the other nurses. Out of personal reasons._

_Out of the feelings (Y/N) harbored for him. If he would just survive this, then Tenzo had a small chance on getting the life he always dreamed about, it was in his goddamn reach, he could survive it…_

_Hours passed by in a rush of pain and muffled shouts, thrown over his head and blurred in their pronunciation. The man tried to consciously breathe, press the cold air out of his lungs and draw precious air back inside, even though it became harder and harder with every passing minute. Then, Tenzo entered consciousness and unconsciousness like others entered their own homes, easily and drifting in and out of it. A terrible limbo-state, but he had no idea yet what kind of prize waited for him at the end of the tunnel._

_Sometime, the soothing aura of healing chakra pulsed through him and for the first time in hours, Tenzo could freely breathe. The longer the aura remained, the better he felt. Exhausted, but at least painless, he could finally make out his surroundings, the people working around him and the words they uttered._

_He would survive. He would live._

_He would be able to confess._

_And suddenly, Tenzo realized what people meant when they said their heart was dropping right through the ground. Utterly nervous, even worse than moments before his very first assassination at the age of four, knife brandished and ready to slice-!_

Don’t think about slicing throats.

 

_When (Y/N) entered the room, trying to be as silent as it was possible for a civilian without a shinobi background, his attention immediately went to her. To the human heart beating loudly in his chest, the cold sweat in his palms, the trembling of his stomach at the sight of her relief when she noticed he was awake. Her whole face lit up underneath the white hat, the weak, dark circles only highlighting the relief and smile she threw at him. And Tenzo loved that smile, like a dog loved the scraps of his owner he dropped carelessly to the ground._ _“(Y/N)…” he whispered, while his hands followed every single of her movements._

_The nurse sat down right beside his bed. “Hey. I heard you asked for me.”_

_“More like I moaned your name over and over.” He tried to sit up to face her properly, but when the ANBU managed to bring his arms underneath his upper body to bring himself at least halfway upright, a weak wave of pain surged through him. Before he even had time to moan or groan, cool hands urged him gently back into the cushions, while (Y/N) reassured him._

_“No. Don’t. Just lie down, rest for a while.” Her fingertips drew lines of fire over his skin when (Y/N) tugged the blanket higher and the strangely homey gesture made Tenzo smile underneath his porcelain mask._

_“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?” he asked weakly._

_“If pathetic means “will do everything in his power to protect his village”, then yes, you are indeed the most pathetic human being I’ve ever seen.” (Y/N) she smiled again, a little bit wider this time._

_“Then, that’s settled. I’m pathetic.”_

_“Not as pathetic as I am.”_

_Her voice sounded… flat, dark, hopeless. Shocked, Tenzo could only look at (Y/N), whose smile dropped faster than he could drop a copy of the Icha-Icha-Paradise. Maybe, some remains of the poison were still in his blood, because his memory blacked out there for a second. Maybe he said something to spin the conversation further, but the ANBU woke up again to the slightly desperate, stuttered words which made his heart skyrocket and send his mind onto a roundabout, swirling with happiness and sheer relief._

_“You are a very good friend, if I might say so. When you come over, you always do something for me, if now cooking, talking with me or just simply being there in my empty flat. And, and I didn’t even start talking about how you make me feel, especially now when I’m not even the tiniest bit scared of you. “What I want to say, that I came to like you, Tenzo. No-not as a friend! It’s… actually-!”_

_Tenzo croaked out, his voice damaged by his earlier screaming and the emotions wrecking through his body. “A little bit more than that.”_

_“No, a lot more than that. I like you a lot more than a friend should like a friend.”_

_There. (Y/N) said it. Went ahead and presented her heart on a silver platter, despite the fact she was still in a relationship to someone else (_ no, don’t think about it right now, she’s here, with you! _), despite her fear for shinobi and ANBU in general, she jumped over her shadow and confessed. Now, Tenzo could see how much the hidden feelings had gnawed at her consciousness, how guilty and affected she was by all the wrong rightness of the situation. Just as much as him. Tenzo never thought he would be the kind of guy to fall for a woman in a relationship and on top of that, make her possibly break up with her previous lover. He never imagined he would be that kind of guy and still, he was it now._

_But seeing (Y/N) caring for him so much, smiling at him and blushing because of his presence was worth it. Tenzo couldn’t stand the sad shadow on her face. He never wanted to be responsible for causing her any kind of sadness, not now, not in the future._

_“(Y/N), look at me.” he said and watched how her eyes flittered upwards, only to drop just as fast again._ _“No. Longer than that.” Again, their eyes met. Hers bore into the shadows of his mask and once more, Tenzo wished he was brave enough to drop the last curtain between them, but he wasn’t. He needed to make sure she wouldn’t instantly retreat from him, before he could even think about revealing who exactly he was and how sorry he was. Before that, the shinobi had to make sure (Y/N) wouldn’t be scared shitless by him._

_“Will you give me a hand?” His hand was shaking like a dead leaf in the fall breeze outside when he reached out, hoping and praying the woman would take the opportunity. For some seconds, the terrible non-reaction and stillness of (Y/N) while she stared at his trembling appendage drilled holes into Tenzo’s resolution. Did he miscalculate something? Did he misread it? Was everything a few minutes prior just a merciful illusion and he made a total fool out of himself? What if-?_

_Then, (Y/N) nodded and her hand rose, only to entwine carefully with his. Warm fingers caressed his cold ones, fell into the gaps and closed the ministration, before naturally cradling his hand. If it was possible, Tenzo’s grin split his face by now, feeling lightheaded for an entirely different reason than the earlier life-threatening situation for himself. Again, her eyes flittered up and the man would swear the sight of (Y/N), a gentle blush spreading over her face, smiling shyly at him and answering the ministration with a caress on her own, killed him softly and in the best way possible._

_“Don’t be scared.” He whispered as the nurse continued to hold his hand, “Not of me. I… I couldn’t stand it.”_

_Couldn’t stand it. Yeah, an understatement. If (Y/N) would reject him now… His stomach tied into a tight knot and Tenzo felt like throwing up, even though his stomach was painfully empty._

_But she continued to smile at him, bright and without a dust of doubt on her mind. “I’m not. I don’t think I could be.”_

_“Good.” Tenzo sighed out. “Remember that, okay? For me.”_

_“Alright.”_

_“Good.”_

_Hopefully, she would remember that promise. Because even though they were now clear about their feelings, Tenzo still had to reveal who he was and what he had done, just as much as (Y/N) probably technically needed to tell him she was in a relationship, even though he was aware of that fact from the very first minute he spent with her. Her secret had the potential for a nice banter and a punishing fight with her boyfriend. His? His had the potential to blow everything they currently had, still new and fragile, to pieces and dust._

_Tenzo desperately hoped (Y/N) would keep her promise in mind when he would reveal himself. It was time. When he would get out of here, he would tell her. He owed it to the woman and he owed it to himself to be honest._

Please. Don’t push me away.

_For now, he had to settle with the whispered “I love you” and a squeeze of her hand, while Tenzo’s mind drowsed off, exhausted by the difficult operation and burned out by the emotional turmoil later on. And despite the storm brewing on the horizon, despite the confrontation he had to get behind him, he was able to fall asleep with a small, happy smile on his face, what never happened before in his life._

_(Y/N) loved him. Everything would be alright. She promised to not be scared of him, ever. And Tenzo believed (Y/N)._

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The letter was thick. Heavy paper, smooth to the touch, durable. Good quality. It even smelled slightly of forest and man when you sniffed at it, hours after you received the fateful envelope from the soundly sleeping copy ninja. At first, you were relieved. A small sign of Tenzo’s wellbeing. He was alright, didn’t die on a secret mission, his body hidden away in a small, anonymous hole somewhere in the woods, unnoticed and not remembered by any of his comrades.

Tenzo was alive. In a little, dark corner of the hospital, you pressed the letter to your face and the small tear burning in your eyes and quickly swallowing it down, while your hand clamped over your mouth, muffling the little sigh of relief which escaped. But then, you lowered the letter, like you did something totally forbidden and carefully stuffed the letter into your uniform again, before going on with your day, while your thoughts circled the whole day around the written words, burning a hole into your pocket.

You didn’t open it.

When your shift was finished, you quickly smoothed out a wrinkle in the otherwise unmarred paper, before burying the letter in the depths of your bag, just like the ANBU probably did with their fallen comrades. Except for the emotions swirling through your mind. Guilt. Shame. Joy-Anxiety- _Why is he sending me a letter, what does he have to say to me?_

When you arrived at Gai’s and Chie’s house and briefly smiled at the merry gathering of Team 10 who gathered for a movie night in their sensei’s house and were by now napping on the big couch, all of them draped over each other, all the while Gai rummaged through the kitchen, before shying away into the guest room. Like you planned a murder, you locked the door, drew the blinds closed and sat for a few minutes in the darkness, before scrubbing with your hands over your face, eyes dead set on the bag in which the goddamn _letter_ was.

The _goddamn fucking forsaken mysterious_ letter.

For so long, you waited for a sign of Tenzo. A sign he still cared, a sign he was still _there_. But now, with the very sign in your arm’s reach, you weren’t too sure anymore. What would be inside? What had he written? What did he want after all what happened?

 

What could he want from someone like you, who destroyed his hopes of the future? The shame feasted on your insides and without looking, you dug through the bag. When your fingers brushed over the letter, you grabbed it and tugged it into the light. One look at the white paper and the shame intensified, kindled into a fierce knife. You hated how you felt, hated why you felt this way, _hated_ , absolutely _hated_ everything about the situation. Blindly, you stuffed the letter underneath your pillow. And still, you made sure the paper wasn’t harmed, not one corner was cricked.

For some long, forlorn minutes, you stared blindly into the air. There was not even a hint of emotion left in your body. After a week of an emotional rollercoaster, two months of acquiring a new mental balance and a shift where an annoyingly high jonin played mailman and tested said balance right off the bat to the limits, you needed a few minutes. Or more like hours. Long, dark hours, huddled up underneath your thick blanket and fingers brushing over the edges of the letter which laid underneath your pillow. You were empty, burned out. And Tenzo’s letter… Turned you into an empty shell. You didn’t have any more energy left to deal with the mere content of it. Receiving a message from the ANBU left you exhausted and tired and at the same time, there was a strangle tingle and tug in your limbs, an itch you wanted to satisfy but feared whenever you thought about opening the letter.

A heavy sigh dwelled in your chest. Once more, your fingers wandered underneath the pillow, felt the soft edges of the paper and listened to the weak crinkle, before standing abruptly up and nearly fleeing out of the guest room.

Your shift ended in the early morning, not even the first hues of sunlight broke through the dark of the night. The dimmed light of the living room and the continued shuffles out of the kitchen led you towards the only person which would be able to give you some advice in your dire situation.

 

Gai stood with his back facing you at the kitchen counter when you entered the kitchen, in his hands a knife and cutting the ingredients for one of his green, healthy smoothies he loved so much. Obviously, he noticed your arrival, but was nice enough not to say anything until you coughed and stepped closer.

“Hello Gai. Your kids are out like lights, huh?”

“Oh, they are! In their full youthful blossom!”

“Training was a full success?”

“Obviously!” Gai beamed at you. His knife danced through the air, even really close to your face when he became too excited, but you didn’t even blink at the sharp movements. “Our springtime of youth couldn’t be wasted when we sparred to our heart’s content! Our clever Neji was able to defend himself against the vigorous attacks of both of Lee and Tenten, who had her new weapons brandished! And my most youthful student Lee performed the Konoha-Lotus to perfection! He destroyed the training posts like they were nothing!”

Gai was obviously proud about his students’ achievements. There was no way a person with a beating heart could resist his simple happiness, like that, a tired smile flashed over your face, tugging at the corners of your mouth until you ruffled through your hair.

“Sounds great. And what you’re up to now?”

“Making a youthful smoothie for my beloved students and my lovely flower, who is resting in our bedroom after a night of…”

“Careful Gai. Anymore and I have to think you did something unspeakable to her.” You chuckled lowly when the jonin blushed, what didn’t harmonize well with the bright green of his spandex uniform and the hideous orange of his leg warmers. “Oh, excuse me. It was too tempting to not use the chance.”

The man balled his free hand into a tight fist, all the while the faintest hint of tears glistened in his eyes. “Very youthful, (Y/N)-san. But nothing I didn’t expect from the friend of my most youthful flower! Now, let me ask about the state of my eternal rival. Chie-chan said he wanted to be treated only by you?”

 

Almost instantly, your throat seemed to tighten around every breath you tried to draw in. Sometimes, Gai hit uncomfortably the core of the problem without even realizing it. This was such a case. If you had to talk about Kakashi, then you also had to mention the letter. And mentioning the letter would mean _thinking_ about the letter, about what waited inside.

You didn’t feel ready to face this matter at hand just yet. But you also couldn’t deny the jonin an answer, who slowed down his cutting and seemed to see right through you while you struggled to find the right words.

“He’s alright,” you finally said, voice pressed and crossing your arms over your chest, “A broken collarbone and some minor injuries. Nothing he won’t survive.”

“Did he say anything unyouthful to you?”

“Why do you ask?”

Just by a margin, Gai cocked his head and once more, you were able to see behind the façade of the happy-go-lucky shinobi he was most of the time. “Because I can see something troubles you. And considering how my cool and hip rival lost his usually cool and hip demeanor while around you, I thought…”

“No, he isn’t at fault. This time.” You added after a second. Then, you dragged your hands over your face. “No, it’s… something different. I shouldn’t… I really shouldn’t talk about this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s private.”

“And yet,” skillfully, Gai sliced the broccoli into pieces, only to drop them into the blender, “you stand here in front of me, looking like your springtime of youth is almost over, seeking for advice. And of course, I would like to help the friend of my dear wife. Not only that, after that much time, I also consider you my friend, (Y/N)-san.” Without looking, he started to dice up a carrot at rapid speed, the knife not even visible anymore. “And I wouldn’t be Maito Gai, the beautiful blue beast of Konoha, if I wouldn’t care about my friends’ wellbeing!”

“But…” The word vibrated in the air. Dangerous and tempting at the same time. Again, you tried to form another sentence, another response, another defense, but every answer died on your tongue when Gai only looked at you. Merely looked at you, with this special wise and knowing gaze turtles also have.

 

You couldn’t say anything against that much power. For some more seconds, you tried to find a suitable answer, only to give in. “Your rival played the part of a mailman,” you admitted, “And gave me a letter of the ANBU who… Who…” With a defeated sigh, you threw your hands into the air. Your stomach curled into a knot when you thought about the waiting letter underneath your pillow. The letter which… No, you didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to think about all the possibilities, about the chances, about the many, _many_ risks and dangers for your newly reached almost-healed-but-still-with-big-cracks-state. You made a step forward, but that didn’t mean everything would be alright again, from one day to another.

“The ANBU who nearly killed me.” you ended your sentence in a weak admission.

Somehow, the words seemed to echo in the otherwise empty room. Your scar burned and tingled, until you touched the marred flesh with the tips of your fingers. The strange sensation calmed almost instantly, but before you could marvel at that, Gai spoke up.

“You don’t want to read it.” he stated simply.

A meek nod and you stared at your tightly entangled fingers. 

“Because you’re scared.” Gai continued. He didn’t even ask. Just stated facts. With his black, deep eyes, he pierced right through you, through all of your possible lies and masks you could pull on to protect yourself. “Because there’s this unreasonable panic in your stomach which tells you everything will go down the drain what you build up until now when you read it and see something you can’t handle. Because there’s something inside of you which still whispers about your insecurities and fears. Because you think something is going wrong the moment you seriously consider whatever is inside that letter.”

 

What…? Flabbergasted, you stared at the man, who answered your look for a few more seconds, before turning again to his matter at hand. The knife swiveled again through the air, cutting and slicing, while Gai continued to cut apart your fears and little panic like they were nothing but a carrot on his cutting board. “Fear is something irrational and at the same time helpful. Fear keeps us alive in the midst of battle, acts as an extra sense. It helps shinobi staying alive and at the same time, we jerk awake in the middle of the night because a branch on a nearby tree sounds like an enemy prying on us. In your case, your fear made you better in your job. You noticed every movement of every shinobi who wanted to escape your sights. But now, you have problems to accept something as simple as a letter.” Gai finished cutting the carrot and swiftly dumped them in the blender. “Fine, it’s a letter of the one who was the not so youthful man who made you fear ninjas in the first place. A valid reason.”

“Yes…” You shook your head. “Gai, what the hell do you want to say?”

“I’m on my youthful way to the explanation. Just a few more sentences.” To your surprise, the man circled once around himself and struck a pose, the usual thumbs-up now adorned with a potentially lethal knife. “You have a valid reason to fear the content of the letter. But is the letter alone that threatening? What are you scared of? What do you think happens when you read it?”

What would happen? Yes, what would happen? A thousand scenarios stormed through your brain, a thousand different and still slightly the same scenarios. All of them consisted some kind of death. Not only a physical one, also a total shattering of your mind due to a shock was in the range of your fearful expectations. But then, Gai’s earlier words, his comparison to the trained instincts of shinobi to expect at any given time an attack, no matter where they were or who they were with, came to your mind.

You opened your mouth, wanted to answer, but nothing but an empty breath came out. So, you closed your mouth again, unable to say anything what was on your mind.

 

There was no more vegetable left when Gai finished slicing the cucumber into small pieces and threw them into the blender. With a weary sigh, the jonin dumped the cutting board and knife in the sink, before turning again to you, still serious and still able to make you look ashamed at your own feet, like you were a child who was caught with her hands in the cookie jar.

But his next words made you looking at him, truly, _really_ looking at Gai, who was an optimist by heart and never seemed to experience any other emotion than happiness and energetic euphoria.

“I had a similar problem. I was scared. You know about Lee, right?”

You nodded. “The messed up chunin exams two years ago. He got severely injured, that much that Tsunade needed to come back from her travels. And even with her present, the operation was a 50/50 chance at solving the problem at best.”

“Right. My youthful student was scared too. And I was at fault.” He raised a hand when you wanted to interject. “I was at fault. I taught him a technique which threatened the health of my student. Pride and conceited eagerness to beat my rival made me forget what was the most important to consider while being a teacher. Since then, I’m asking myself every single day if something I will teach my kids,” a gentle hue laid upon his features when Gai glanced at the pile of teens in his living room, snoring softly, “has the potential to kill them by their own hands. If my beliefs are the right thing to give them on their path, if they take any of my beliefs in the wrong way and go down a road where nobody can reach them anymore. I saw them dead and broken in my dreams. I don’t want to see them like that in reality.”

“What did you do?” you asked. Just a whisper in the silence of this early morning. Outside, the sun started to rise, a gentle ray of orange and yellow on the dark blue of the night sky. “What did you do to overcome that?”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Simple. I didn’t.”

_What?_

The utter confusion and the tiniest margin of betrayal must’ve been obvious on your face, because Gai nodded in understanding. “I know, I know. Not a very youthful answer. Let me…” He rubs his chin, before shrugging. “I asked myself why I was feeling this way. The same question I asked you. Then, I went over every scenario in my head and tried to explain why I thought these were reasonable fears of mine. In the end, there was no rational fear left. My students are already ninjas and the techniques I teach them help to survive. And my beliefs are able to lead them on the right path. But they have to stay there out of their own strength. I can only help and guide them, not hold their hands all the time.”

 

“But…” you started. “How do _I_ do this? I’m not as strong and secure in myself as you, Gai. I don’t even know what I want from my life and now, I have to sort out something which accompanied me throughout my whole life. I just want to know what’s…” Tears are close to run down your face, but you wipe angrily over your eyes before that can happen. “I don’t know what I want. I’m so utterly _confused_.”

Gai nodded, eyebrows wrinkled in deep thought. “It’s certainly not easy. Just… think a bit. Really think and make out why are you feeling what you are feeling when it comes to the letter. Is it irrational or reasonable? What is your kind of fear, (Y/N)?”

With that, he activated the blender. Loudly roaring, it came to life, shredding the different vegetables into a green smoothie with a far too high noise level. Gai gave you another thumbs-up, but not like usual, with a bright and big smile, but with a thoughtful and sympathetic expression. One which made your heart tighten in an almost painful knot. One which made you nod and turn around, ignoring the sounds of protest coming out of the living room. One which made you walk back to your room, despite the uncertainty in your head. Before you knew it, you were again sitting on the cushions of your futon, staring at the heavy letter like your life depended on it.

What would happen if you opened the letter? What would happen if you read it? Tenzo had no way of knowing when or if you even opened it, maybe only when he casted some kind of surveillance jutsu on the paper. Though, deep down, you realized he wouldn’t do this.

No, he had no idea if this letter would land in the nearest fire or if you would reread it every night before going to sleep. Well, then. What could be inside?

You shook the letter. Nothing suspicious, only the rustle of paper against paper. So, what could he have written what took that many pages? The letter was heavy as stated. What could take so much space for the usually so silent ANBU?

A question you couldn’t answer without actually opening it. Again, you found yourself stuck. Your fingers played with the edges of the envelope, rimming the letter with your thumb. One of your index fingers slipped underneath a loose edge of the marked opening while you mulled over the possibilities.

 

“YES, GAI-SENSEI! RUNNING 500 TIMES AROUND THE VILLAGE AT THIS YOUTHFUL MORNING SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL!”

Lee’s voice was like a loud-hailer. Unconsciously, you flinched and with you, your finger underneath the opening of the envelope flinched. The tear of paper hissed through the air and with a sudden rush of panic in your heart, you looked down at the tiny gash you caused. Nothing serious. You couldn’t look inside this way, couldn’t make out any of the letters written on the paper. The tiny gash looked just like a try to open it.

Hesitantly, biting your lower lip, you inched your finger again into the tiny space. The nail caught the edge and carefully, you tugged at the paper.

The gash widened.

If it was possible, you could feel your heart in your throat. Thrumming like the wings of a hummingbird, caused by the sheer anxiety and also _curiosity_ in your stomach. Your eyes were fixed on the letter when your finger moved again without your conscious command. Millimeter for millimeter, you watched how the gash opened further, how the glue holding the content closed and sealed gave away. A last, insisting tug and even the last bits of sticky substance lost to your nails.

There, the letter was open. A shuddering breath you didn’t realize you held left your mouth as you continued to stare at the white paper, now open and almost _inviting_ you to look inside. To read, to see what Tenzo had to say.

“Well…” you mumbled to yourself, “No time like the present, I guess…”

Still, you waited with bated breath for a few more minutes before your hand actually inched into the envelope and closed around the letter. They shook when you tugged them out, that heavily in fact, that you needed to close your eyes for a second and breath consciously in and out before peeking at the still folded papers. There was no real plan in your head when you finally managed to wake up from your paralysis, no real goal to achieve. Without a thought in your head, you dropped the empty envelope and unfolded the letter, not knowing what you would achieve by reading his words or what would change when you finished.

But you were willing to give them a try. There was not really something left to lose after all.

 

* * *

 

Dear (Y/N),

 

I have no idea if you will ever open this letter and read what I should say out loud or if you rightfully threw it out of the window as soon as Kakashi-senpai delivered it. If you opened it, I’m thankful you give me the chance to explain myself and also, to come to a closure with my dark past I never want to relive again.

Because no one regrets what happened as much as I do.

This letter is half apology, half explanation. Thus, it grew quite long, so please, bear with me. I’m not used to talk about myself at all and writing all of my thoughts down even less, but I try to go to the core as soon as I can.

 

First of all, I’m sorry. I don’t think the mere word can explain how much I regret what I have done back then, what I put you through, what I did to follow the words of my leader. Since I met you again in the hospital, I’m constantly questioning myself. Could I have done something else? Could I have resisted, fought against him? There’s so much doubt and guilt in me, feelings I’m not used to and they confuse me. But I guess, I deserve that much after attempting to kill you. Because you didn’t deserve this treatment. You, who accepted a strange boy without a hint of doubt in your mind, you, who opened your arms for someone who had no idea what the world could give him, you, who made me laugh and smile and feel for the very first time in my life.

You were my friend. And I betrayed you.

These should’ve been the first words I said to you. These, not the deceive of being a nameless ANBU in need of a little bit of closeness and human warmth. I apologize for that too, for lying and playing tricks on you, for being what the world taught me to be and not acting differently when I was constantly questioning myself along the way.

The only explanation and apology for my behavior that I have is the one of my upbringing. I don’t know how much my senpai told you (he tends to meddle in the life of his subordinates in an almost obnoxious way, I hope he didn’t bother you too much), but probably everything he said is true.

 

You will be the first one outside of a handful of selected shinobi-affiliated individuals to hear of my past. With this, I entrust this letter one of the most protected secrets of the hidden leaf village. I trust you with this knowledge, because you hold responsibility and promises despite my many mistakes in a high regard.

The skills you have seen, growing wood and flowers. I didn’t have them from my birth. I didn’t achieve them through training or anything like that. Not in the normal way, I mean. My DNA is a mixture of different strings of different people, some long dead and some only recently deceased. I have no idea who my parents were. My best guess is that I was stolen out of an orphanage, to not raise any questions of my whereabouts. Because who misses one orphan out of hundreds of others?

My DNA was mixed with the DNA of the first Hokage, Hashirama Senju. For the biggest part of my childhood, I spent my days and nights in underground labs and in test tubes. Tests were part of my life, just as much as the expectant stares of the people responsible. They expected my body to reject the foreign DNA, to wither and cease to exist, like so many others before and beside me. But I didn’t. I survived, out of a cruel mood of a cruel god.

These skills awoke the attention of a certain person and I was recruited into ANBU at the age of six. I didn’t know who I was, was scared of my own body and my own abilities and I needed structure and training. ANBU gave me that and more. A purpose. Order. Even after all these years, deep down, I can’t say that I see a fault in the way my cell has done things, even though I know logically that they were indeed wrong. But I try to get better, try to see the mistakes I made and with every day I spend in the sunlight, I see clearer.

Especially when it concerns you, (Y/N).

 

You see, that I was merely a tool on two legs when I first met you. Back then, on the clearing. It was one of my little breaks and I used the time to wander around the forest. That’s when I found you, or should I say, you found me? (Another thing I have to apologize for. I hope the bite didn’t hurt too much.) From the very first moment, you were a mystery to me. How was a civilian able to see through my hiding techniques? I wanted to find out more about you, wanted to know how you saw through me. So, I came back. And was hooked. Someone didn’t act scared around me. You didn’t expect anything, no great show of my abilities which aren’t really my own, you didn’t wait to kill or be killed, you were living in the moment. You smiled at me and maybe that was the day I started to fall for you. You were my first crush, because you took me as I was, a bit awkward, a bit insecure, a bit wary. You accepted me as ME, as a human. And I can’t thank you enough for giving me this.

Of course, I had no idea what happened back then. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted to be with you all the time. I wanted to play more, wanted to lie underneath the sun, wanted to teach you how to skip a stone over the river. I wanted all of that and more. I wanted to taste the cookies of your mom, wanted to sleep under the stars with you and tell more stories about the stars. I wanted to hug and hold your hand and even though I didn’t understand what my feelings were for you, I knew for sure that you were important to me.

 

When my leader ordered me to kill you, I did it. My brain told me not to, and whatever was present of my heart also tried to stop my hand. But my body reacted and I’m still feeling ashamed for that. The only thing I could to was to make the wound not as deep as it should’ve been to kill you for certain and to send a clone of mine to your parents, hoping they could get to you in time.

To protect myself from the pain of your unknown fate, I forgot about everything. I forgot about you and the clearing, about the awakened feelings and went on with my life, now that I knew what I could have, even emptier than before and not knowing what I was missing. I grew older, met new people who taught and showed me what I could be and I tried to follow their lead, but one thing seemed always out of my reach. A home, someone who accepted me for who I am. When I was carried into the hospital, the last thing I expected was to see you again. But I was so happy to see you, to know you were alive and well, loved and cared for. Though, I realized you weren’t as well as I thought. Thus, I thought it would be alright to check up on you in the role of an ANBU who wanted to thank his nurse with an unconventional visit in the middle of the night.

It wasn’t my intention to fall in in love with you again. At all. I just wanted to help you getting over the fear of shinobi, because I am the cause of your trauma, therefore, I am also responsible for trying to fix it. I tried, got closer to you, spent more time in your home and the same thing which happened in our childhood, happened again. I fell in love, again, knowing you were scared of me, knowing you had a boyfriend, knowing it was unreasonable and not very wise to hang my heart on you. But I guess, the heart wants what the heart wants. And to my unfathomable surprise, you seemed to answer my feelings. For the first time in in my life, I was drunk on something I didn’t understand completely, but it felt too good to stay away or to stop. Every day I was able to visit your flat was a good day. Every time you seemed to overcome another hurdle of your fear, I wanted to embrace you. And the night when we confessed… I thought it was all a dream when I woke up, but your friend warned me not to hurt you and then I knew that everything was true. You loved me and I’m still in love with you. (I don’t think that nothing will change that for a long time to come.)

 

But I still had to tell you about my identity. Selfishly, I made you promise to never be scared of me, while I knew deep down that it was an unreasonable request to make and unfair towards you to expect that much. I did it anyway and set all my hopes onto that promise. That was the reason I didn’t react otherwise when you rightfully threw me out. I thought my dream was in reach, that I could live with you and not like the human tool that I am on the inside anymore. Suddenly, all my nearly realized wishes were nothing but dust and like a hurt child, I lashed out only to regret my words later on. It was unfair of me to expect you to stay true to your promise when you weren’t aware of all the information included which were tied to your word. I have to apologize, yet again.

Two months went by since then. I had some missions, trained and tried to move on, but still. One part of me is still with you, unable to let go and unwilling to forget. You broke up with your boyfriend and I’m sorry for that too. I never thought I would be this kind of man, to destroy a relationship without a regard for the people involved, but apparently, I am. Thanks to you, I learned more about myself than in all the years since the last time I left you.

I want to honestly thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks to you, I know now how it feels to be human, how it feels to be in love. Despite all the tears and anger I caused you, the month I spent with you was the best of my life and I will never forget how it felt when you said you loved me. Thank you, (Y/N). Thank you for teaching me what it means to be in love.

I’m ready to let you go, if that is what you want. Opening this letter was one choice I set up for you. Another would be a meeting. This letter is not only explanation and apology, it is also an invitation.

 

If you don’t read this, well, then I have to come to a truce with myself in one way or another on my own. I would understand that decision, to forget entirely about me, who hurt you and nearly erased your existence from this world. I would have my answer one way or another and at least, I tried to explain myself. There’s nothing more I can do after that, except to overcome my feelings.

If you read this letter and don’t want to come, then I thank you for reading my explanation. Thank you for trying to understand me and my reasoning, thank you for making it this far. I understand that you don’t want to come, that you want to put a finishing line underneath this ordeal, that you want to move on.

But if you, against all odds, want to see me… I will wait on our clearing for a week. If you want to speak to me to clarify more of my past, if you want to talk about something, I will be there. I expect nothing from you. You already gave up so much because of me. It’s entirely your own decision to come and I will accept your will, whatever it will be.

 

Again, thank you for everything you taught me. I will not forget about you. I couldn’t. I’m incredibly grateful for every word and every gesture of kindness and hold my memories of you in high regard.

I hope you can find love again. I hope you will be happy again. You, out of all people, deserve it more than anyone.

 ~~Kinoe Tenzo~~ Tenzo

 

* * *

 

The first thing you did when you finished reading the last word, the scribbled signature of a man who obviously has no idea who he was, you breathed out. And again in, in and holding your breath until your lungs hurt. Only then, you allowed the air to escape, slowly and in a controlled way.

A big ball of clashing emotions swirled through your head and the only logical thing to do to solve that mystery was to read the letter again. And after that, you read over the neat and carefully written out words once more, just for good measure. You followed every line, saw where the pencil dug so hard into the paper that it nearly pierced it, where the man had problems finding the words, tapping the pen on the side of the paper while thinking.

Then, your head cleared a bit, like a cloud drifting past the sun.

_Wait… He tried to kill me while at the same time, trying to keep me alive? Is that right? What the… What…?_

“What the actual fuck!?”

It honestly would explain why your parents arrived in time at the clearing. It also would kind of explain why they were so adamant on not speaking about the incident at all. It explained so much and yet so little. So much and yet…

Again, your eyes skimmed quickly over the many clear lines. So many apologies, so many thank you’s. A lengthy explanation why he became what he was right now, one you needed to hear, but _still not enough_. Reading his words was okay, but… You wanted to hear Tenzo saying all these things. You wanted to hear what he had to say for himself when there was no distance between you two, no easily delivered letter and no easily written words.

A last time, you inspected the carefully worded letter and the pointed handwriting which became so familiar over the month where Tenzo wrote daily letters to you. The saying of your mom came to your mind, one you already connected to the ANBU so many weeks ago.

_A neat and easily readable hand writing tells about an honest character._

Gently, but with shaking hands, you grabbed the envelope and placed the letter again inside. An honest character. An ANBU. Tenzo, an honest man. With a deep breath in, you continued to stare at the envelope, hands crossed in front of your face and trying to decipher what you wanted to do with this newly gained information.

You mulled over these chunks of the letter over and over in your head. Tried to connect them to the man you got to know. Tried, desperately _tried_ to remember all details about your childhood and connect _these_ to the man, the ANBU, the man behind the ANBU mask. And, even though you didn’t like to do it, you remembered all the times in which he cared for you and you started to fall for him.

Irrational or reasonable? What was your kind of fear?

 

The sun had risen on the sky when you stepped out of your room. On your feet were sturdy boots and you were clothed in a rain jacket, scarf and a wool hat, as well as a pullover underneath and a dark jeans adorning your legs. A backpack was slung over your back, complete with a blanket, some food and a water bottle and other necessities for a long walk. The letter was crinkling slightly when you turned to the entrance area, the words still ringing in your ears.

Gai and his students were in the living room, cleaning up after the movie night they had. The jonin looked at you and you nodded weakly as an answer to the unspoken question. Just when you turned again to the exit, ready to face the slightly windy weather outside, Tenten spoke up, obviously confused by your attire. “(Y/N)? What are you up to?”

“Oh, nothing much.” You threw a smile over your shoulder and waved at the young people, who grew incredibly close to your heart. “Just a walk through the woods. To get my head clear, you know?”

At least, you hoped it would have the wished effect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, another explanation time:  
> The MC is in a captured between a rock and a hard spot. At one side, she is scared of Tenzo's letter. She doesn't know what's inside, only knows that it's heavy. For all she knows, it could be a trap to kill her because she knows too much. That's always in the back of her mind, especially after Tenzo revealed his face to her, what is extremely valuable information for an enemy. (Better stuff that information leak as quick as possible.)  
> Also, another problem is that her newly achieved peace isn't as stable as it looks like. Every little thing could rock that state of mind and leave non-repairable cracks and damage. MC fears whatever Tenzo wrote could be that heavy and strong that she would instantly fall back into her panicked mindset, scared of every person around her. And considering she lives currently with a jonin which is the husband of her best friend and basically, also his three students, that would be as devastating as it could be.   
> That is her reason to freeze first and leave the letter behind, before she can talk to Gai and get halfway reassured through his words. If there are more things unclear, then I'm always willign to explain more! ^^


	14. Concluding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, you meet Tenzo again. Finally, you can try to clear up the mess of emotions in your head and heart. Finally, you can move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... This is it. The conclusion. Hopefully you guys will like it, it was honestly hard and at the same time, really easy to write.  
> And yes, I got so eager and excited that I couldn't wait any longer! :D

_When he jumped through the night, his heart in shambles, Tenzo tried to piece together what just happened. Did he really show his naked face to (Y/N)? Did he really try to explain and apologize?_

_Yes, his mind recalled that clearly. But what about the later events? What about finding himself suddenly with (Y/N) in his arms, who cried in fear and screamed at him to let her go? What about the sudden flare of anger in his stomach, the acid in his mouth, the steel in his voice? What about the cold words, the words he never meant to say, but came tumbling out of him anyways?_

_His body reacted on instinct, carried him over the roofs of Konoha out of sheer muscle memory. For the first time, Tenzo hated his trained body for being able to do this. It left more room for his mind to grieve over the fact that he screwed the only potential relationship he had over just by being…_

_Being himself._

_Of course._ Of course _. Of course, she wouldn’t accept him. Why did he ever think he could have a chance? He was just a tool and his so-called emotions were just a short-living confusion of hormones. Nothing a skilled prostitute couldn’t fix._

_His steps faltered for a second. Then, the man shook his head and his legs carried him further forward, away from the small red district Konoha had. No, he never went to a prostitute before and didn’t plan to start with that kind of behavior now. What would it bring him, anyway? Nothing but some supposedly short-lived “fun” and the possibility of catching a nasty, itchy disease._

_No, then he preferred the solemn brooding in the middle of his lonely bed._

_Dark humor couldn’t fix things either. Bitterly, the man snorted out, when tears already burned in the canthus of his eyes, but he couldn’t wipe them away. Not without lowering his mask and if he could avoid it, he wouldn’t lower his mask ever again._

_(Y/N)’s eyes when he revealed himself. His stomach still plummeted right through his feet when Tenzo only remotely thought back to it. At first, only a terrible blank mask fell over her expression. Then, the blooming understanding, the dull horror, growing into crystal-clear, sheer panic. The desperate scrambling,_ away from him _, the one she proclaimed she loved, no matter who was behind the mask._

_Deep down, Tenzo knew his desperate promise back in the hospital was only that: a despair-driven last fight against the inevitable which he had felt creeping up on them already._

_Heaving and fingers shaking, Tenzo made the last jump. The forest around Konoha welcomed him with the natural energy surrounding and easing his mind, but he still didn’t stop. A short touch to the bark of the trees he used on his way was the only greeting the forest received. He couldn’t stop. He couldn’t, he needed to get_ there _, back where everything began, where he could pretend everything would be alright again-!_

_Tenzo broke through the leaves with a broken gasp. Tears finally fell, hidden by the mask. With wanton, shaking fingers, he ripped the porcelain away. Dimly the man was aware the mask broke on the ground, maybe fell against a sharp stone or something, but his sight blurred with every second. A broken sob fell, then another and for the first time in his 26 years on this earth, Tenzo cried because his heart screamed in agony._

_Who knew warm feelings could turn cold that quickly? Who would’ve known such sweet and innocent emotions could turn sour from one second to the next? Who knew this and who kept this from him?_

_It would’ve been better if he never fell for (Y/N) in the first place. It wouldn’t hurt this much. It wouldn’t make his soul bleed_ _, it wouldn’t make him feel like he was just as worthless like everyone always told him, like he was no human without an inch of emotional capacity._

_Eyes burning and throat tight, Tenzo curled himself up. Knees drawn to the chest and arms slung around them, he cried into his clothes like a child, while around him, the heads of differently colored anemones broke through the earth and dirt. They grew in a perfect ring around him, without the man noticing, who experienced his second heartbreak of his life under the cold, lonely moon of a fall night._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

You hadn’t considered the cool and chilly winds freezing you to the bones when deciding on your walk. Sure, the rain jacket and pullover did their thing, but nevertheless, your nose and fingertips felt uncomfortably cold when you arrived at the outskirts of the forest. Thank god you found a pair of gloves at the very bottom of your backpack. The problem of the cold nose was solved by tugging the scarf a bit higher, until it hid your mouth and nose completely.

Subconsciously, you nodded at the forest, while your eyes took everything about the trees and the slightly creepy darkness lurking between them in. The sun was shining, a few clouds drifted over the sky. Colorful leaves covered the ground; red, yellow, orange, green, brown. And there were still so many clinging to the branches, trembling slightly when another chilly breeze ruffled through them. From all the seasons, you liked fall the most. In winter, the trees seemed dead, fallen into a deep sleep. Spring, the colors were weakened, mild green and mild white. And summer… You shuddered at the imaginative pictures of mosquitos crawling over your skin. Nope, fall was great. Perfect for a little walk through a forest.

Perfect… For a little talk.

You bit your bottom lip, all the while continuing to stare at the colorful and yet threatening depths of the forest. Would it be alright? Would this make even some sense when you stood on the clearing, waiting for someone who maybe had nothing else in mind than to tie up all loose ends?

The insecurity and fear churned coldly in your stomach. You bent slightly over, fidgeting on the spot, but it didn’t help at all. Instead, it only seemed to grow, to twist and turn until you felt like wrenching. Hand threaded into the fabric of your raincoat, you continued to stare at the trees.

A decision had to be made. You still had the chance to turn around. No one had to know about this. No one needed to know that you never went to the clearing, never met Tenzo, never talked to him again.

 _He would know._ I _would know._

The sickness in your stomach and the foul taste on your tongue didn’t vanish completely when you straightened yourself out, mustered the trees again with the awareness of a scared rabbit, before taking your very first, small step forward. And then, the second, followed by the third.

 

Slowly, but surely, you walked into and through the forest. The small path, worn-out by the people who also enjoyed to spend their time in the nature, led straight forward into the heart of the forest and you followed the path. At first, nature seemed threatening to you. Small branches hooked themselves into your clothing, ripped and tugged whenever you took a step, made you curse and struggle on your feet. Then, the path seemed to become more open, a bit less threatening. Branches gave way to your steps, a little bit more open than their first welcoming, and the leaves seemed to wave a little hello with the gentle breeze. Soon, you could walk freely and the natural smell of a healthy forest surrounded your entire being and mind. A calming cloud settled over your head, not quite disturbing much, but also not fully welcomed.   

Even though you didn’t fully remember the way to the clearing, your feet seemed to know where to go. You followed the path, deeper and deeper into the forest, until you recognized a crippled tree that looked like lightning once struck it. The mighty body was almost split in half, the once light inner wood turned into an ashy grey over the years. Out of instinct, you reached out and your fingers stroked over the old wound. Yes, you were on the right way.

Suddenly, you stepped into the bright light. A hiss escaped, before you raised your hand to shield your eyes from the sun. You stopped dead in your tracks, giving your eyes some moments to adjust.

The clearing. You found it. A particular pesky ray of sunlight had fallen onto the surface of the calmly moving river and blinded you when you stepped through the last bits of wood and bushes. With a shake of your head and still shielding your face, you walked further into the open field.

It was just as beautiful as you remembered. Almost a perfect round, the river sneaking through the grass like a snake, the happy murmuring of the water in the air like a gentle song, leaves on the ground and on the trees, falling occasionally and dancing towards the earth to join the rest of the colorful, bright carpet. Your vision was filled with all of this, while your mind immediately went back to the hot summer you spent here, accompanied by Tenzo.

 

Your mind was stuck in the past, reminiscing over games and betrayal that you nearly trampled over a ring of young flowers, still not harmed by the chilly weather. Dew hadn’t really dried on the single, yellow petals as you kneeled down and inspected the flowers.

“Wait…” There was a memory out of a book about plants and their symbolism you had read a long time ago, in preparation for a congratulations-bouquet for Kiyoshi and the opening of his restaurant. Only a small number of flowers had a negative connotation, thus, the meaning of the yellow anemone was still clear on your mind.

“Disillusionment, loneliness and abandonment,” you mumbled mindlessly, all the while your fingers caressed the head of one of the small plants.

Horrible, terrible emotions. Your heart clenched and you breathed in. A shuddering, hard breath, before you abruptly stood up and moved away from the circle. There was no way this grew on its own, without any interference. And anemones this late in the year, blooming freshly? No ordinary human could do that without a miracle, lots of preparation and unbelievable luck.

Well, no ordinary _civilian._

Abruptly, you looked up. The clearing was as calm as before, as peaceful and bright as a fall forest could be. In the distance, the birds sang their little melodies. Other people would’ve been calmed by the apparent calmness of the easily scared animals. But you knew that ANBU were more careful than that. They could hide their presence until they melted into the shadows and not even someone walking right past them would notice them.

No, you favored trusting your instinct. Once more, you looked around, but no bell went off in your mind, no cold shiver rained down your back. No one was here. No was around. You were alone.

For the first time since you entered the meadow, you breathed freely in and out. Being alone here, being on your own when you came the meeting point was the biggest gift Tenzo could’ve given you. Slowly, you stood up and walked carefully around the flowers, eyeing them warily like they would jump you at any given chance.

 

Maybe it wasn’t even a gift. Maybe he just got tired of waiting before his self-imposed deadline came up. Maybe he just left the clearing alone. Maybe he just stayed away. Maybe he was…

_Don’t be stupid. You received the letter yesterday. There’s no way he got tired of waiting when he already waited two months to write that letter._

One more time, you allowed your vision to fly over the surrounding trees, watched out for a branch hanging lower than the others. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so, wary and still as nervous as a rabbit who knows a fox is waiting outside of his den, you headed towards the river. Good that you had some snacks and a water bottle packed. Who knew how long you had to wait, watched or not?

With a little huff, born out of the anxiety piling up in your mind, you kneeled down again. For fall, surprisingly only a small amount of leaves swam over the silvery surface. You watched how a trio of red, orange and yellowish green leaves floated lazily past your position. Another sigh, another grunt and you settled completely into the ground, your eyes on the water and hand reaching into your backpack. The letter crinkled slightly as you moved around, shuffled and fidgeted until you thought it was comfortable, here in the slightly dewy grass. The wetness seeped through your jeans and a grimace grew on your face, before you just went with it and leaned back into the wet feeling on your backside.

“Nothing like a fall morning,” you said to yourself and stared again at the river, “and nothing like a wet jeans and waiting in those wet jeans.”

Subconsciously, you stroked over the pocket in which the letter was secured. The words still rung in your ears, echoed and resonated in your very being. They held so much meaning, so much weight, so many things you couldn’t name. It felt strange to just trust these words. And at the same time, it also would’ve felt strange to not trust them. To stay away.

Your stomach clenched once more. The foul taste on your tongue only grew stronger with every passing minute. Restless, you curled a lock of your hair around your index finger. Round and round, until the hair cut off the blood circulation of your index finger.

“Urgh, this is so…” you mumbled, “So, so, so stupid. I made my decision, why can’t I just be secure in it and get rid of this stupid…”

Insecurity. Anxiety. The bad feeling deep in your stomach, which made you bend over and rock back and forth, all the while trying to calm yourself. At one point, you had to place your head between your knees and consciously make the effort to _breathe_ , in and out, calmly, without a hitch. Deeply, you inhaled through your nose, held the air and breathed loudly out. And again, again, over and over until your lungs hurt from holding too much air. Absent-mindedly, you rubbed your fingers together, in the faint hope to warm them a little bit up.

_I really hope, like, really, really hope I don’t have to wait too long._

Otherwise, a tiny part of your brain could decide to take over. The tiny part which was in control of the raw emotions, responsible for the reckless and stupid decision a human could make in a moment of indecisiveness. You could already feel the instinct to run away, to flee and hide the fact that you were eager for some answers, but when you fidgeted a bit on the spot, you could hear the rustle of paper in your packets. Out of instinct, you laid your hand on the pocket, a small reassurance. With another, deep breath in, you managed to get a grip on your fear and the nervousness.

“Calm down. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be scared of. I can do this,” you mumbled. Nervously, you fidgeted a bit more, until a particular nasty sharp stone dug into your thighs. With an annoyed grunt, you grabbed the rock, barely the size of an eyeball, before arching your arm to throw it into the river.

Then, a bell chimed in your head. Silent and melodious, not high and shrieking. Instantly, your head whipped around, eyes searching the tree line for a figure in the shadows, melting into the shadows and not visible for your weak civilian-eyes…

But no. Almost instantly, you spotted the ANBU, not even remotely hidden and almost standing in plain sight, for shinobi. He leaned against a tree, seemingly relaxed and arms crossed over his chest, and still, there was some residing tension in his body you could spot even from your place a few meters away. The mask hid his features, the distance any kind of traitorous motion or tremble, but when he stepped fully into the light of a new day, you could see that he didn’t wear any kind of weapon. No handle of a tanto peeking over his shoulder, no weapon pouch strapped to his thigh. He could still kill you with a mere snap of his fingers, but secretly, you thanked the man for his gesture of kindness.

 

Tenzo didn’t move. So didn’t you, sitting frozen in the motion of throwing the small stone into the river, who happily gurgled, not knowing what happened around him. Slowly, you lowered your hand, while the stone dug into your palm.

Nobody said anything. You could only stare at him, while he looked back at you. Then, slowly and steadily, one of his hands rose, reached up to the porcelain mask and pulled the mask down. For a moment, Tenzo mustered the mask, before clipping it to his belt. The eternal cat-grin seemed to laugh at you and your stupid insecurities, so, you turned away and finally threw the stone with a short flick of your wrist into the water.

“What has it done to you?” Tenzo’s voice echoed slightly on the meadow. Weak and obviously trying to joke around a bit, but at the same time, there was a tint of sadness swinging in every syllable that your heart clenched on instinct.

You shrugged. “Nothing much. It was… disturbing.”

“Aaah.” His leather armor crunched weakly when he moved, maybe crouched down. You could see it clearly before your inner eyes. “I think I understand.”

“No,” you mumbled and dared to lean back on your hands. “I believe you don’t think you understand.”

A low sigh and more crunching, just as well as the ruffling of grass and earth. “Now, I think you’re right.”

One careful glance over your shoulder, before your head whipped  around again to stare at the river. Tenzo sat in a messy style on the ground, legs crossed and arms shored on his thighs. His black eyes also only skimmed over your figure, before snapping back to the lazy water drifting past. But he couldn’t hide the barely hidden relief in his eyes when Tenzo glanced at you.

He was glad you came. Glad you gave him the chance to explain more than the letter could. The sick feeling in your stomach eased a little bit when you looked again at the man, who smiled weakly. Big bags under his eyes told you that he didn’t sleep well, the faint layer of dust and dirt clinging to his uniform told you that he didn’t stay long enough in one place to even consider cleaning up or sleeping. A mission, maybe?

“When did you come back?” you asked weakly and maintained eye contact.

Tenzo shuffled on his spot. “Not too long ago.”

“When did you step through the main gates?”

“Technically…”

“When did you cross the border of the village?”

 

He sighed weakly. “Maybe thirty minutes ago. I came directly here, just in case…” One of his hands flew up, gestured towards you, before dropping with a tired sigh back into his lap. “Just in case you would already wait here.”

This time, you turned fully around. The earth and stones beneath rubbed against your legs, and like a deer in the focus of a predator. Tenzo froze, eyes casted on the ground while a light sheen of pink crawled from his neck upwards. From the to-be-feared ANBU wasn’t much left, instead the human nearly jumped into your vision. The same human which had been all along behind the mask.

“Tenz-… Kinoe…” you started, but he grimaced subconsciously. “ _Tenzo._ How meticulously did you plan our meeting? Because when I just use my little civilian-brain a little bit, I have to conclude that this was a long-run thing, with a few other players in who knew what was up. Your senpai? Definitely. You wrote the letter in advance, pulled your senpai in to deliver it, all the while you were on whatever secret mission on which you could’ve died, by the way, without any means to contact anyone…”

“It wasn’t the best solution,” Tenzo interrupted gently, “But the best in my situation.”

“Why?”

“Because ANBU and ANBU missions aren’t like usual missions. They aren’t… You can’t just say, no, I don’t have time for this assassination right now, I have to apologize to someone who I tried to kill but failed to do so.” He breathed deeply in, before shaking his head. “I have the feeling we’re drifting from the core of our meeting. To answer your question, yes, it involved a lot of planning and I won’t lie, I had no other plans to inform you about some injuries or possible death of mine, but I had no other choice. You needed to get this letter. You needed all the information to know that I’m sorry for what I did, back then and now.”

A strange mix of emotions coiled in your chest. It swelled, grew into something else you couldn’t really decipher on your own. Your hand flew up, gripped the sturdy fabric of your coat right above your heart. “And I’m thankful for that. Thank you, Tenzo.”

 

His lips twitched upwards. “Glad to hear I did something right.”

“You did a lot of things right.” Instantly, you tried to speak up, even though a part of you screamed and shouted at you for saying this. “And when you did something wrong, it wasn’t out of ill intentions.”

“You say that so easily. Why are you defending me still, when you are the one who suffered the most? I…” Tenzo’s eyes dropped to his knees. “I don’t understand that.”

Breathing in and out. In and out. With a deliberate stretching of your hands, concentrating on the loosening and moving of your muscles over bones and strings, you tried to find the right words, all the while the nervousness still coiled like a cold nest of snakes in your stomach. “I… I don’t understand that either. Believe me, I have no idea what is going on. I’m just… So… Everything is just such a mess. Emotions, no matter how old you are,” you shrugged, “Are just as confusing as always.”

“Goddammit.” He reached up, ruffling through his shaggy hair. “So… You also have no clue?”

“No.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“Not really.”

“Oh.”

Silence. Tense and yet light silence. Another breeze ruffled through the trees and the birds continued to sing their songs. Time seemed to have stopped completely, despite the clouds slowly drifting over the sky and the murmur of the river in your back. Nothing seemed to exist, other than the ANBU right in front of you and your blood thundering through your ears.

 

Until Tenzo spoke up. His voice was weak, tugging at your heartstrings and you needed to blink a few times to suppress the burning behind your eyelids. “Then, what are we doing here? Why are we doing this?”

You shrugged again. “I know my reasons. I would like to know what’s going on inside your head. What went on there when we came for the last time on this clearing. It’s easier to write a letter than to talk about it. What is yours?”

No answer. At least, not an immediate one. Gently, Tenzo reached out and placed a single index finger on the earth. The other hand went upwards to his face, index and middle finger straight, while the rest was curled into a fist. Like so many years ago, you watched with badly hidden fascination how the earth started to rumble a bit, how it wanted to climb his finger, only to give birth to a single, little bud of a plant. Fascinated beyond measures, you watched how the bud grew and grew, the weak green brightened into an emerald shade and how the closed bud slowly opened, revealing to your surprise blue petals. Thorns grew from the body of the rose, sharp and deadly, while the blossom spread and grew further, peeled itself apart to reveal the dark-blue inside. The head of the blue rose trembled faintly, only to sluggishly turn towards you, while Tenzo loosened just as slowly the handsign and the contact to the earth.

“Just as impressive as on the first day you showed your talents to me.” Unbeknownst to you, the corners of your mouth twitched upwards and when you noticed, you didn’t care much. “I remember that the blue rose has some kind of meaning, but it slipped from my mind.”

Tenzo snorted and in your imagination the single sound was registered as almost bitter. “You don’t want to know.”

“So you know?”

“Yes.”

“Then why…?”

“Because…” Again, your eyes met. His mouth opened, closed and the ANBU seemed indecisive to the point where he searched for answers in your eyes. Finally, his shoulders slumped, his whole body went lax and his head dropped, hiding his face from your view. Tenzo sighed out. “…le love.”

 

Subconsciously, you leaned in. “What?”

Again, Tenzo sighed. “Impossible love.” He murmured weakly, before shuffling a bit away from your own position. “That’s the meaning of the blue rose. Impossible love.”

Now, your mouth parted. Your throat was dry, dried out by the two fateful words the brunet uttered in a hesitant and nearly breaking voice, just like he knew what these would do to your state of mind. _Impossible love_. Indeed, impossible. A civilian and an ANBU. A former victim and an unwilling perpetrator. Trauma against every other emotion in your body, while Tenzo had no idea what was going on inside his heart. And if you had to be honest, you were also pretty clueless about your own inner world.

“Oh.” Leaning backwards, you stared mindlessly at the deep-blue petals, while Tenzo’s gloved hands stroked softly over the plant. Like it had still a mind of its own, the rose seemed to follow his fingers, arche into the gentle ministration before the connection was lost. “Is that also your reason for setting this meeting up?”

Only when Tenzo nodded, the breath caged in your lungs was released into the air. Somewhere, somehow, the situation went totally not like you had planned. You wanted to be calm and collected, wanted to demand some answers. But when you set your eyes on the obviously broken and beaten down man, something in your earlier resolve changed. Before, you wanted to find answers, wanted to prove yourself you could speak face to face with Tenzo, wanted to say your own opinions and speak loud and clear. Now, there was also a slither of regret mixed into the resolve, a bitter, slightly hollow wrenching of your guts.

Regret and other motions about… so many things. Regret about being scared, some still residing fear while facing the ANBU, the new anger at his passive nature and softer feelings at his little gestures.

 

“Okay.” Another breath out, another breath in. Your fingers dug into your legs, the slight pain flashing through your skin enough to concentrate. “Okay. Tenzo, your reason is acknowledged. It’s a… A good reason.”

“Thank you.”

“No, that isn’t… Not a reason to say thank you. Really.”

Solemnly, Tenzo nodded. His eyes were casted to the ground when you breathed in again, ready to explain more of your side of the story. “In… In your letter. You said you were sorry you put that promise on me. To not be scared of you when you knew I couldn’t possibly keep it. And-and there were other apologies too, a lot, actually. And I also accept them. Well, most of them.”

His shoulders tensed up. “Which ones not?”

“One, Tenzo. Only… Only one.”

The most important and at the same time, the heaviest. Melancholy assembled over the meadow like thick clouds, and yet again, Tenzo nodded slowly, like he expected your words from the moment he sent his letter off.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Goddammit, Tenzo…” You sighed. “You can’t just apologize for an attempt at killing me. There is nothing you can do about it. My feelings in that regard won’t change.”

“And what are your feelings?”

At first, the words wouldn’t come. Your mouth opened and closed, gaped open like the one of a fish on land, before you exhaled lowly, releasing the tension and also some of your self-imposed restraints. The instinctive fear of prey to hide in front of the predator was still there, but it wasn’t as mighty as before, only a twitch of your muscles once in a while. “You betrayed me. Back then. I trusted you with all I had, with all my childish belief. I thought you would never do anything to harm me and then… You did just that. You killed me.”

Instantly, his head snapped upwards. “I didn’t kill you. In fact, I tried to protect you. There was no other choice, I had no choice. If I wouldn’t have done it on my own, then my leader would’ve surely taken you out, to erase every trace and connection.”

“Yeah, I know that now. In your own way, you tried to protect me, with the little means you had at hand.” The letter seemed to burn a hole through your coat as you propped yourself up. “But it only excuses you halfway. In my mind, I can understand your reasoning and I’m thankful for your actions. But here…” A hand flew up, coming to a halt right above your heart, filled with so much clashing feelings that they all mixed together into a hollow pain. “There, I can’t understand that. For my heart, you’re still the one who held the knife to my throat and pressed onward.”

 

Tenzo was looking up, how you stood above him and his face showed that he felt any chances slipping right through his hands. Panicked, he tried to scramble to his feet, while you stepped back and turned again to the river, unable to face him any longer. “No, (Y/N). Wait.”

“I can’t forgive you, Tenzo. It will only hurt both of us if you-!”

“ _No_.” Suddenly, a hand grabbed your wrist, not strong and definitely not strong enough to hold you back. Still, you froze, while the man in your back rambled on, his fingers twitching against the bare skin of your inner wrist. “This should be a conversation and a conversation happens between two parties. I listened to you, now, please. Let me talk.”

Blood thundered in your ears as you waited with bated breath. Your heart seemed to pound against your ribcage, ready to flee and never come back. But you stayed, with slightly trembling knees and a cold, sick feeling in your stomach, but you stayed. Apparently, it was enough for Tenzo to continue, now with the same calm and hoarse voice which reminded you of whispered confessions in a hospital bed. “Despite all that, despite me killing you. Put this aside for a moment, please. You fell in love with me. And I love you.”

“Tenzo…”

“When you didn’t know my face, didn’t know who I was, you were in love with me. You told me that and I know you well enough to safely say that your confession was neither an ill-natured lie or a deceive. Where are those feelings now, (Y/N)? Are they completely gone?”

The next exhale seemed to tremble in the air. “No, but that isn’t-!”

“So, you still love me?”

“Yes, but Tenzo-!”

You could hear the little smile in his voice, even without turning around. “You still love me. Despite all of my mistakes, you still have some feelings left. That’s good.”

 _“No, it’s not!”_ Tears burning in your eyes and your throat constricting around a new wave of despair, you finally snapped. “It’s not that easy, it’s not that simple! You paint it like this, but underneath, there’s still so much left! It could be that I still love you, yes, but that doesn’t mean we will live happily ever after! I’m a goddamn mess, Tenzo, a goddamn, hastily glued together mess and every moment, I could fall apart! By your hands, by Gai’s hands, hell, by Hatake’s goddamn hands and nothing can stop that!”

 

A sharp twist of your hand and you were free, just as free as the tears now rolling down your face, cold and scorching your skin while you continued to scream at the man in front of you. “I didn’t come here for answers, I didn’t come here in the vain hope to feel completely alright again! I wanted nothing else but some fucking clarity about my feelings, because I have no idea how my inside looks like! Look at me, I’m screaming and _crying,_ and shaking,” your hands indeed trembled heavily when you showed them to him, “because I have no idea what is going on in _myself!_ There’s so much fear and panic and anger, and _love,_ and regret inside of me, and I have no idea where to put all of these emotions without _exploding_ all over the place! I just want some fucking _clarity_ , nothing else! Why is that so _goddamn hard_!?”

Your screams echoed over the meadow, just as broken as your emotions felt. You hated how you felt, hated, absolutely dreaded what you were doing right now. Even while you screamed at the man, you were painfully aware that this was unfair for Tenzo. Unfair to treat him like this, when he also had no idea what he was feeling himself. He couldn’t help you. You could only help yourself.

Still crying, you shook your head, all the while stepping backwards. “Coming here was a mistake. It was stupid. Sorry Tenzo, I shouldn’t have screamed at you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, so, so sorry…” Your foot got stuck at the backpack still lying around and you stumbled, but before even Tenzo could reach out to catch you, you found your balance on your own. “No,” still shaking your head, you continued your stumble towards the river, “Don’t touch me, I don’t know what will happen if you do that again…”

“(Y/N).”

“Don’t touch me, it was a mistake, it was stupid, I’m-!”

“ _(Y/N).”_

Your crying grew heavier, harder, uglier. With trembling knees, you tried to wipe away the telltale wetness on your face with your hands, tried to hide behind your palms, but it was useless. A pitiful, snotty snivel rattled through your throat and nose, before you rambled on. “It was so stupid, I was so stupid, I thought I could fix myself by talking with you, but what did I expect? I should have known, I should’ve known, I _really should’ve known-!”_

 

“ _(Y/N)!”_

Only Tenzo’s sharp hiss managed to rip you out of your confused stupor. A hard flinch, and your eyes were fixed on the big man right in front of you, who could kill you with a single flick of his fingers. His arms were crossed over his chest, but when Tenzo unfolded them, you flinched subconsciously backwards, a single whimper floating through the air.

Instantly, he froze mid-movement. Then, he moved deliberately slowly, inch for inch, his expression serious and eyes locked with yours. “(Y/N),” Tenzo repeated, “Saying in front of me that coming here and meeting up with me was a mistake hurts. But I know at least halfway what you’re going through, so everything is forgiven.”

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply in, only to exhale just as careful as he had previously moved. “I may not know much about my emotions, but I realize that it must be hard for you. Until now, I didn’t realize what my reappearance did to you, at least not in full capacity. I’m sorry for that, once and for all. (Y/N), I’m sorry. I apologize for everything I did to you, from killing you, to trying to get close to you again. That wasn’t right. You would be better off without me in your life. I should’ve stayed strong, should’ve stayed away.”

When Tenzo said these words, weak and basically admitting defeat, the pain in your heart intensified. You didn’t know emotions could hurt that much. But they did, like scorching hot metal piercing right through the big muscle.

When Tenzo looked again into your face, eyebrows wrinkled and obviously just as pained as you were, a broken sob crawled out of your throat. That was it. This was his goodbye, he got ready to _leave_. You could see it in the tension of his shoulders, in the way his hands clenched and unclenched, how the left foot seemed to drift away and over the long grass.

This was the final goodbye. If Tenzo would leave now, you would never see him again. He would vanish in the shadows, would lose himself in the darkness, in the missions, in the death and destruction only the life of a shinobi could bring. And every time he would come into the hospital, maybe to visit a wounded friend or injured himself, then he would stay away as far as he could, just to not inconvenience you in the slightest. And you? You would never know Tenzo was even in the same building. He was far too good for you to notice him. He could literally hide in your own shadow and you wouldn’t see even a tip of his hair.

 

He was already turning away when the urge to call out grew too mighty to control anymore. Despite the fear and despite the slight bits of anger still swirling through your mind and heart, you reached out, your fingertips brushing over the forearm protector. Close enough, still far away. Tenzo noticed anyway and froze on the spot.

_If he goes now, I will never see him again._

The single thought chased everything away. It wasn’t like the fear, panic and betrayal were erased, no, far from that. But they were pushed into the back of your mind, shoved aside by the big ball of worry, love and care which laid dormant for the last two months. All the love you developed over the single month, mixed together with the childish crush you had harbored so many years ago, right here on this clearing.

“Why did you do that?” he asked weakly. His voice sounded still defeated, like he was a broken man with a broken dream. “Why do you hold me back?”

Before your brain could think of a whole, meaningful sentence, your tongue ran off. “I don’t know. I simply… I have no idea.”

Tears still fell from your eyes and down your face, but the spring went slowly dry. A last, small sob and a special rasp of your voice, then you wiped the last bits of wetness away. “I don’t know anymore. Everything is so confusing. I thought it would be clear when I see you, when we talk, but instead I became even more confused and even more mixed up. But, apparently… Despite all what happened. I’m… I’m still…”

Again, like they had their own will, your fingers reached out and managed to capture the slim edge of his forearm protector. Just an index finger and thumb, so easy to break if Tenzo really wanted. But he didn’t. Instead, the muscles in his shoulders started to tremble faintly, while you could only wait, with words on your tongue and a blockage in your jaw.

Even from here, you could see how Tenzo fought with himself. A small shake of his head, before he slowly turned around.

This time, you didn’t flinch away. And yes, you were still scared. Cold sweat ran down your back, your palms felt uncomfortably sweaty, but you held on to the hard leather, all the while the man circled himself, his deep, black eyes overshadowed by badly hidden melancholy.

 

“You know,” he whispered, “I can’t go on like this. This pull and shove… I’m not a toy, not some emotionless tool. You should know that better than anyone.”

“This isn’t my intention.”

“I know.” A heavy sigh vibrated in the air. “All the more reason to bring some clarity into the confusion. Can you give me some answers, clear and simple? Yes or no, mostly.”

You nodded shakily.

“Okay. Okay. Okay, first… Are you still scared? Right now?”

Meekly, you nodded. For more, you weren’t in the right state of mind.

Tenzo acknowledged your answer with a single nod of his own. “Alright. That was to be estimated. And I understand that, (Y/N). You have all the right reasons to be. I’m not angry at you for feeling this way, how could I? I’m just ashamed that you’re in this tight spot because of me.” His arm, the arm you touched, rose slowly and turned in the same motion, that the delicate and defenseless wrist faced the bright sky above. To your shock, your own motionless hand slipped around, touching the warmed-up glove and with that, only the thin fabric of Tenzo’s glove shielded you from caressing his wrist directly.

No, blocked you from touching Tenzo directly.

You could feel his heartbeat pounding against your fingertips when the man continued, strong and steady and calming your own heart down. “Alright. Next question. Are you ready?”

Again, you nodded.

“Good. Thank you. You’re doing great. Far braver than I could ever be.”

Wordlessly, you snorted. “Sure.”

“No, really.” Tenzo’s fingers flinched, stretched like the legs of a spider. “I’ve seen so many ANBU failing to face their fears in the middle of a battle. And losing your nerves right then is not… Not good.”

“I can imagine.” You tried to form a weak smile, but had the feeling only a deformed grimace came out. “At least, I think I do.”

In return, Tenzo’s mouth curled into a sad grin, not more than a tug at the corners of his mouth. “As I said, you’re doing better than most shinobi I know. Okay, next question. Right now, do you think I would kill you?”

 

Your eyes automatically flew to the outstretched arm, the palm facing the sky and not at all threatening. Only a tad bit too close. If Tenzo would stretch his fingers the tiniest bit and took only a step forward, he would be able to touch you. Not the other way around. But would he be able to kill you?

Even meeker than before, you shook your head. No, even though your knees trembled and your stomach seemed to weigh more and more the longer you stood here, deep down, you didn’t believe that Tenzo would hurt you. The single month was still fresh in your mind, his patience and care, the friendly gestures and the distance he kept up to make sure you felt secure and safe. Despite the incident in your childhood, all _Tenzo_ ever showed to you was friendliness beyond the healthy boundaries, while _Kinoe_ made a lethal mistake, in its entirety terrible and not excusable, but not something _Tenzo_ or you had any influence over any longer. It was the mistake of a child. Not the mistake of the man here on the clearing.

Logically, you knew that. Logically.

Your wordless answer made the smile on his face grow with a little bit of hope. “That doesn’t sound too bad to me either,” Tenzo mumbled. “And you already said that you still love me.”

The realization where the man wanted to go with his questioning and theorization of the reality. “But love, if now mutual or not, isn’t like in the books, Tenzo. It won’t heal the trauma from my past. It won’t erase what you did.”

Still, his weak smile didn’t waver the slightest bit. “And I take it still. It’s something I want to work with, if you allow me to.”

Always asking for permission. A wet sob broke free, your hand shook against his wrist, before you buried your face in your other hand. Yes, always asking for permission. Because Tenzo knew what caused the deep rift between you and Kinoe, and tried to make it better.

He tried so hard. He didn’t give up his dream of being normal, didn’t go the easiest way and gave up.

“God Tenzo…” you sobbed. “What are you doing to me…?”

“I don’t know. Is it working?”

 

One look at the man and you noticed the spurs of tears glistening on his cheeks. When he noticed your gaze, Tenzo could only chuckle weakly, before wiping with his free hand over his face. “Okay, yes. I know what I’m doing. And it’s working just as fine for me.”

Again, a wet and broken chuckle broke free. You had no idea if it came from you or from him. By now, it also didn’t matter anymore. For the first time, you made a conscious step closer to Tenzo. Your fingers slid gently over the balm of his thumb, caressed the gloved skin, before going further with every shaky breath you took.

Tenzo’s warm voice interrupted your thought process. “You don’t have to push yourself so hard. It’s okay. We already made a huge step forward. It’s alright, I can wait.” His breath hitched when your fingers wandered further down, over the plane of his callused palm, despite the fabric between his and your skin scorching hot. “(Y/N)? Is it… Is it really alright for you?”

“Ssh.” While the tips of your fingers wandered into the empty space between his, you could feel your heart beating the tiniest bit faster in your chest. But the sour feeling deep down in your guts faded away and for the first time in two months, the carousel of your thoughts had stopped turning. Trying to hold Tenzo’s hand was wonderfully easy. There was no way you would let go of that tranquility so soon.

And really, Tenzo kept silent. His fingers were pliant and slack when you found a nice way to entangle your hands properly, only a tiny flinch of his muscles went through him when your palm slid over his. A little tremor shook your arm, but you breathed in, held the deep breath and only then, exhaled.

“Everything is alright,” you murmured. “I just need a few minutes. Or days.”

Tenzo’s fingers tightened slightly around yours, before the tips of his fingers came to a rest at the back of your hand. “I will give you weeks, months if you need it. I’m just glad that this is happening at all. I never… I never thought you would forgive me.”

 

“This is not forgiveness.” Another step closer. Then, with a little gasp, you allowed your forehead to slightly hit his chest. Right where his chest plate ended and the black fabric of his undershirt began, the warmth of his wide body hitting you like a brick wall and his familiar scent enveloping your mind. “This is just a first, small step.”

As good as the short contact felt, the fear still quivered in your stomach and you stepped backwards, blinking in confusion and trying to focus on the matter at hand.  One more second, and you dared to meet his eyes again.

And your heart stuttered. Tenzo’s eyes were set on your face like you were the only thing which counted. Intense, warm and obviously trying to take every little contour of your features in. When he noticed that you watched him, a real, little smile tugged at his mouth. “I take everything you give me. Patience is a virtue and I can wait. I _will_ wait, (Y/N). Just… Please don’t push me away again. Without an explanation, at least.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Tenzo breathed out. Then, he chuckled out. “Gods, this went completely different than what I planned.”

“What did you plan then?”

“I thought a talk would be a good start, to be honest.”

“Oh.”

A talk. Nice and simple. Something you also initially planned, but your plans went out of the window as soon as your emotions went haywire. But now, with the three questions answered Tenzo asked from you and the realization you came up with on your own, a calm conversation was again up in the air.

Gentle warmth spread in your chest when you smiled at Tenzo, at the ANBU who cared even more for you than for himself. (Sometimes, you had to talk about that tendency with him. Even though he loved you, he did right by walking away when you found out about his real identity). That way, he prevented you from spitting ill-natured words at the man, words you would’ve regretted surely later on.

 

Still weakly smiling, you gestured to the river and your backpack. “We can talk now. How everything will go from now on, ideas, what we’re going to do about your missions and my fear… That kind of stuff.”

“Sounds good to me.” Tenzo followed closely behind when you started to walk towards the river and the riverbed, where you sat down right beside your backpack, only to start ruffling through it in search for some of the muesli bars you knew you packed before taking your little, fateful walk. Tenzo sat down at the other, free side. Not too close and not too far. Only close enough to maintain the contact you two still held up by your entangled hands, which hadn’t let go of each other throughout the rest of your silent conversation. And far enough away to give you some free space, which you gladly accepted from him.

It would take time. And of course, it wouldn’t be easy. But since when was life [itself] easy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proofread by the amazing Chisie herself. Thank you for all your hard work! :3


	15. Starting anew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the talk on the meadow, the decision was set to try this out. Almost one year after that decision, Tenzo leaves for a mysterious mission, what makes the surprise when you leave the hospital even bigger and better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. This is it, folks. This is the unofficial end for "It was a long way". Why? Because the next chapter will have not much story in it, just some good old, porn without (much) plot. I seperated it so that people who don't like the smut-part can leave the actual smut out and enjoy some good old fluff.
> 
> And there's much in it. So much.  
> Thanks for everyone who stuck with me until the (early) end, thanks for the people who enjoyed this story, big fat kudos for people who commented and send kudos, in general, just a big fat THANK YOU to all the people who enjoyed this story and made it to this point. I never thought that this fic would get much attention, I just wrote it for my enjoyment and hoped some other people could be entertained. But I would've never thought so many people would see and enjoy it so much as you guys did.   
> So again, because I can't repeat myself enough, thank you guys for sticking with me over a rocky and adventorous year, in which I travelled, wrote, and moved across countries. I hope this ending will be satisfactory.

You woke up for the first time from the sound of faint rustles of clothing and the opening of the window of your bedroom. Faintly, through the still residing darkness of the night and the blurriness of your vision, you could see the outline of a shadow sitting on the windowsill. The man looked back at you, the white porcelain mask the only thing clearly visible.

“A mission?” you asked and yawned into one of the two pillows. “Thought you were free for the next months.”

The shadow climbed back into the bedroom, steps silent and rounding with ease the by now familiar creaking spots of the ground. “An emergency,” he whispered and sat down on the cushions, what caused you to scoot closer, “But I don’t think it’s something serious. At least the messenger didn’t state anything else.”

“That’s good.” Yawning, you reached out and rubbed gently over Tenzo’s thigh. “So, no potential to visit me in the hospital, huh?”

Behind his mask, the man chuckled. “Why do you sound almost hopeful?”

“Because I like knowing you are alive.” Your hand moved rhythmically up and down, still gentle and still innocent. “Injured means you’re breathing. Corpses don’t come into my department or the hospital in general.”

“I know.” Suddenly, his gloved hand captured yours and raised it towards his mouth. When the cold porcelain of his muzzle touched the knuckles of your hand, you still blushed, even after the year you already spent with him. Tenzo was capable of the sweetest gestures, without even realizing it. “But don’t worry. I will receive a new mission, but won’t leave the village more often than now. In fact, I probably will be able to get you when you end your shift.”

 _What?_ You tried to blink the sleep out of your eyes and propped yourself upwards, the thin sleeping shirt with the very thin strings holding everything in place slightly askew. “You will greet me when I get off work? Did I hear that right?”

 

“Not only greet you.” This time, Tenzo lifted his mask and warm, soft lips touched as light as a feather your knuckles. “I will accompany you home. And I have plans.”

“Plans?”

“Mhm. How does some take-out sound, combined with a walk to our clearing?”

A smile spread on your face, before you nuzzled your nose into his side. “Fantastic. I can’t wait. Now go, you super shinobi. See you soon.”

“See you.” His fingers stroked over your fingers, up to your arm and caressed your cheek, before the ANBU was gone, climbing out of the window and waving at you, before he was completely gone. Only the slight sway of the airy curtains told about the human passing by.

The skin on your cheek still tingled and the smile on your face wouldn’t fade, even when you buried yourself again deeply in the fluffy, warm cushions and closed your eyes.

Yes, this sounded like a good plan.

A few hours later, the sun stood on the sky now, you woke up to the annoying loud ring of the alarm. With a newfound swing in your step, you climbed out of the bed, humming lowly and nearly dancing through your tiny flat, through the small living area with a worn-out yet comfortable couch with various blankets and pillows, around the bookshelf filled with books about medicine and various guides about ancient and modern architecture, right into the kitchen where you started the small coffee machine with the special brand Tenzo liked so much and you grew to like too. Still humming and light on your feet, you worked on a small breakfast. In the middle of cutting up a few fruits to throw them into a bowl, you turned around and wanted to open a cupboard, but then, your eyes got caught at a bright-green sticky note glued to the handle of the cupboard.

_I love you, rabbit._

You giggled to yourself, enjoying the warmth running through your chest far too much. A little playful tease. At first, you didn’t understand why Tenzo would choose out of all pet names “rabbit”. When you asked, he started to blush and clam up, before you made clear that you were just curious. Only then, Tenzo confessed that he was always reminded of a little rabbit when he would visit your old apartment, back then, when the past was still between you. Scared and eyes wide, before relaxing in his proximity until you would smile and talk normally with him.

 

Heat rushed into your cheeks. “Rabbits are cute and so are you,” you mumbled to yourself, before slapping your hands over your face and squealing into your palms. The exact same words Tenzo had said, face red and not able to look you in the eyes. Like this, your pet name was quickly born and it stuck. Not that you minded it much. You loved it, the casual tone Tenzo used, the soft hues of content whenever the syllables rolled off his tongue, the slightly disbelieving expression right after, like he never even dared to dream about calling out to someone this gently.

Of course, Tenzo would always be “your” ANBU. At first, you were hesitant in using that particular pet name and he was too, but out of entirely different reasons than yourself. You worried it would remind him of your unfortunate past and the mistakes which were made, while he thought you still held his job against him. But after another quick conversation, where you cleaned hopefully the last bits of doubt up, the man accepted the name like his second nature.

He was yours, from his big feet which would always warm your colder ones underneath the blanket to the tips of his soft, brown hair you loved to comb through with your fingers.

Slowly and steadily, you got ready to face a shift in the hospital. Always humming and your thoughts constantly returning to Tenzo, who hopefully could keep his promise of being able to meet you when you would get off work. More than once, he gave you that promise, only to suddenly have to leave on a little surprise-mission which led him away into another country. You understood, accepted and even welcomed the man back with a smile and open arms. On top of that, Tenzo always made up for such mishaps.

He needed the reassurance and security that you forgave such little broken promises because of his tasks like you needed sometimes moments for yourself, distance and afterwards a warm and understanding hug. It was a give and take on equal terms, a true co-existence. Even after seven years with Kiyoshi, you never achieved this state of understanding, complete acceptance and quality time.

 

Summer was in full bloom when you stepped outside in a flowery, light shirt and a just as light skirt. Perfect for the heat hanging over Konoha, which was a blessing for the few shaved ice-stores, who couldn’t save themselves from the true flooding of customers bulldozing into their shops. You passed at least two of these long queues on your way to the hospital, still smiling and fanning yourself with a crafty, beautiful fan Tenzo got for you from one of his long missions. White linen and white wood, woven together, showing off a tree in bright colors. Different shades of emerald green and a deep, rich brown, perfectly underlined by the pure, innocent white. Not a small number of women threw envious looks at the fan and some even stopped you and asked from where you got it. The dejected looks were partly amusing and partly waking some embarrassment when you had to tell them that you had no idea and that it was a present of your boyfriend.

 _My boyfriend._ The wide grin on your face awoke anew. Sometimes, you still couldn’t believe it. One year of struggling and talking, of working through the problems of the past and personal issues and now, you were here. One year ago, you would’ve never thought this would happen. A relationship with an ANBU? Not possible.

But life had its own plans and ideas.

Still with a swing in your step and fanning the heat away, you arrived at the hospital. Greeting your colleagues, you walked into the changing room and stumbled nearly over Chie, who was standing in front of the shift plan.

“What’s wrong?” you asked at her angry scowl.

“A hello to you too,” she grumped and waved at the same time at the plan, “Just don’t look at this pile of horse shit. The dragon went overboard again.”

Of course, now you had to look at the plan too. Hastily, your eyes scanned the plan while your heart speed up, only to relax when you noticed that for once, your shift was left alone. You would be free this afternoon, while Chie…

 

You winced in sympathy. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, ouch.” A double shift, completely out of the blue. While you could go home and be happy with your love, Chie had to suffer and work until the morning would break again over the village. In sympathy and silent companionship, you hugged her, what the small brunette answered with a grumble into your shoulder. Something eerily similar to “I’ll kill this witch if I get my hands on her,” and “Gai wanted to massage my feet when I get home.”

“He will be awake by the time you get home,” you mumbled into her ear while you stroked over her back in big, rhythmic circles, “And I think, when you ask very, _very_ nicely, he would be down to please you on the spot.”

Chie appeared out of the hug. “By please me, you mean sexually, right?”

Playfully, you shuddered. “I don’t want to hear anything from you and your crazy sex-games. Poor Gai. Only the devil knows what kind of evil sorcery you used to bewitch him.”

“Voodoo and blood magic, obviously.” With a weary sigh, Chie loosened the embrace and stepped backwards. “But that’s a story for another time. He just returned from a mission and Kakashi again managed to land in the hospital. From what my hubby told me, he used some crazy eye-technique and drained his chakra to the very lower limit. The idiot.”

Even though the woman rolled her eyes and acted like she wasn’t fazed, you noticed the worry in her brown eyes and the slight tension of her jaw. And even though she always acted like Hatake went on her nerves and was a big nuisance, she cared for the copy ninja and in a strange way, you also liked him. Partly. After all, he helped Tenzo and you to sort your problems out and he more or less strolled every month in and visited Tenzo in your shared flat, basically freeloading and grabbing some home-cooked meals from his easily flustered kouhai. If Chie was this upset, then it must’ve been a serious issue.

“I will visit him if I can,” you mumbled, all the while you stripped your shirt and skirt off, “Is he in his room?”

Chie leaned against the wall in your back and even from your position, you knew she was still throwing miffed glares at the offending shift plan. “Where else should he be? Seriously, I already ordered a sign for him. That’s his personal room now, no one can tell me otherwise.”

 

The smug smile on your face was hidden quickly hidden by a faked cough and a hand in front of your mouth. Oh yes, Chie cared immensely for Kakashi, if she wanted to admit it or not. With his constant, unannounced visits and creased-eye-smiles he somehow managed to sneak into her heart, and also somehow in yours. Like the skilled and successful jonin he was.

Today, you would be part of the emergency room once more. And apparently, the head nurse got soft on you in her old days (the rumor of her retiring went around and nobody was really sad that she was going), because she assigned you as the head of the department for today. The teacher’s pet who was usually responsible was sick, not that you minded much. Pride filled your heart when you heard that you would be in charge today. After years, your work was finally acknowledged. Begrudgingly, but acknowledged. And the silent hopes of becoming permanently the head of the emergency room when the head nurse stepped down made you smile brightly at your troop of working bees who stared at you with badly hidden relief.

“Alright,” one glance at the clipboard in your hands, “today, we have no major shinobi events going on. There are supposed to be some training spars on Field 9, 13 and 34, so prepare yourself for bruises and broken bones. Other than that, I know about the scheduled return of two shinobi teams and the usual small stuff going on. Also, the Shogi meeting for the elderly is today and we know what happened the last time. Nobody wants to peel another king-piece out of the nose of an angry senior.”

The surrounding nurses nodded, some of them with tired expressions on their faces. With a nod, you gestured towards the quickly filling emergency room, where the last nurses of the shift before cared for their last patients. “Alright! Let us work hard today, then we can all go home in a timely manner. If there’s a problem, if you need help or new material, come immediately to me, we will find a solution together.”

 

With that, your troop spread out. Immediately, the emergency room was filled with new life, the fresh nurses pairing up with the tired ones and helping them wrapping up the last patients, all the while new patients came in to get treated and supported in their times of crisis. Proudly, you watched for a few more seconds, before you went over to check the supplies and the state of the tools.

The morning passed by without a hitch. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the normal number of people coming in with normal injuries from their normal lives. Almost calm and peaceful, if not for the occasional bloody kitchen accident or the fight between two lovers, ending in a concussion caused by a heavy pan and the continuation of the quarrel in the emergency room.

It could be that you handled the cheater a little bit rougher while treating his wounds. The nurses worked well together, like a well-oiled machine with some great new parts. There was only one hiccup when a nurse thought she could pick a fight with you in front of an injured chunin whose thumbs were broken. One of the head nurses’ favorites, thus, you only gave her a blank stare when she asked in a passive-aggressive tone if calling for a medic ninja really was necessary.

“Shinobi have priority over other patients,” you said to her calmly and watched how blood rushed into her cheeks, “Because they should be ready to defend our village at all times. Now, does this man seem like he can weave his hand signs without a problem with his broken thumbs or the splints you want to put on his hands?”

The blonde shook her head. Her jaw was working while the glare she gave you could freeze hell over.

You only raised an eyebrow at her attics. “I don’t want to play this game. I’m not here for this petty pull-and-shove for the best positions around the hospital. I’m here because I want to do my job, I want to do it good and I want to do it with pride. So, if you have any complaints about my behavior or the decision I just made for you, then please. Go with your concerns to the head nurse or even better, to Shizune-sama or Sakura-sama.” You gestured towards the door leading to the bureau of the former and the medical library, where the latter would often spend her free mornings. “I won’t stop you from this either. But if I were in your place, I would be _really_ careful with my complaint, especially when I know that the guidelines my boss just followed come from their teacher, our Hokage.”

 

You didn’t think the rebellious nurse would apologize, and you were right. No word came over the tightly sealed lips when the blonde woman turned around and to the next patient. Only the residing tension in her shoulders and the occasional cold glare she gave you were the only signs that the woman was not agreeing with your steps, even though they really were part of the handbook every nurse should be able to recite in their sleep.

But you waved those cold glares off. Instead, you turned to the shinobi, who had watched the little fight for dominance with wide eyes and a little grin on his face.

“That was impressive. I liked the casual dominance you asserted.”

You smiled at the uniformed man. “Thank you. It was necessary. I apologize though, for the drama, it was very unprofessional from both of us.”

He wore a grey uniform, not the standard-issued vests most chunin were cladded in. For a second, you raked your brain up and down, then, you remembered the little lesson about the different departments Tenzo gave you when you had asked what other jobs were out there for shinobi. This man in front of you was part of the T&I-section, responsible for the gathering of information and interrogating of prisoners. Another look at your always helpful clipboard and your suspicions were confirmed.

Without a hitch, you bowed your head in front of the man. “I’m sorry you had to witness this. Usually, we can work without a quarrel within our own reigns.”

The man with the goatee and the bandana taming his brown hair still smiled, all the while exuding friendliness. “No worries. It can happen. Uhm…” Suddenly, his face grew red, all the while he fidgeted around on his seat. “I’m just wondering. Do you have, possibly, a boyfriend? If not, then I would like to invite you for a drink or a lunch sometime.”

_Oh._

You maintained your friendly face, even though your heart seemed to jump into your throat and choke you. “Unfortunately, I already have a boyfriend. But your offer flatters me, a lot.”

Your lungs only eased up when the shinobi’s reaction to your rejection wasn’t as extreme as your brain had painted it. Still smiling and even waving at him, you watched how a medic ninja approached him, only then, you allowed yourself to breathe calmly in and pushed the air out again. Even after one year, dealing with strange ninjas was still sometimes a struggle, especially in situations where your brain immediately came up with several ways how these could end badly.

But with every passing day, it got better. One last time, you breathed deeply in and out, then you turned again to the patients and the ones who needed your help.

 

In the afternoon, shortly before your shift ended and you would give the reigns to another woman, the buzz died a bit down. With a determined clap of your hands, you called once more for your little troop to assemble, what they promptly did.

“Good job today,” you told them and avoided the eyes of the blonde rebel glaring at you, “Everything went off without a hitch. I noted down the broken stethoscope and the vial Rai dropped accidentally. But otherwise, I have no complaints. Thank you very much for your work today. To those who are free now, have a nice evening and to those who can’t escape, good luck, our thoughts are with you.”

A few giggles out of the group, what made your smile even wider, before you waved the nurses off and turned towards the hallway where Hatake’s room was located.

Yes, today was a good day at work. Not even the sight of Kakashi, who read his little porn in the hospital bed could change that. He waved absent-mindedly at you when you entered, eyes still following the perverted descriptions of all the written-out debauchery taking place.

“Here to torture me with useless questions about my health?” he asked and flipped to the next page. “Because if I still have to live of the watered-down soup you serve me and the injections I get, I swear-!”

“That you will start a rebellion and overthrow the regime of evil nurses in here. Yes, yes.” Smiling weakly, you rolled your eyes up to the ceiling. If you had received a penny for all the times you listened to his playful and totally faked grumbling about the schemes of the people working here, then you would be able to buy a house in the middle-price class in the decent outskirts of Konoha. Surrounded by the different wealthy clan-compounds, of course.

Finally, Kakashi had the decency to close his book with a little, weary sigh and placed it carefully on the nightstand, before looking at you out of half-lidded, tired eyes. “Hey, (Y/N). Here to talk about Tenzo’s new mission?”

So, he also was in it? Out of instinct, your eyebrows drew together into a worried wrinkle. “Yeah… Heard something about it. But as interesting as that sounds, I wanted to be nice by visiting you and asking what got you again in here, when you claim to be horrified of all of us.”

 

“What can I say?” Kakashi shrugged. “Maybe, over the time, the hospital grew kind of on me. Like a persistent, pesky, pus-rich pimple.”

“A lovely description. And so rich on details,” you said and stepped closer, to the end of the bed. There it was, the clipboard with all the information about the patient. Quickly, your eyes flew over the hastily scribbled lines, taking in everything you could find. “The usual, huh? Chakra exhaustion, some bruises, some extensive straining of the eyes… Like always, you’re a busy man, Hatake.”

“I aim to please.” He offered a short bow of his head.

“Yeah, yeah. What about some eye drops?”

“Do I necessarily need them?”

“Not necessarily. But here in the report it is stated that you had some issues with dry eyes and I thought, if we could somehow gain some chakra from you and infuse an eye-friendly liquid with it, then it would be even more beneficial than normal eye drops, due to the compatibility of the chakra.”

His chuckle made you look up from the clipboard. There he was, both hands laying in his lap and leaning into the headboard, all the while Hatake chuckled and coughed occasionally, only to break into another, hoarse and raspy chuckle. “Aren’t you interested in Tenzo’s new mission? After all, I gave you such a nice and meaningful hint.”

“You give a lot of nice and meaningful hints about everything you can come up with when the day is long,” you instantly retorted. The clipboard hit the metallic frame of the bed when you hung it again into the corresponding hook. With a low sigh, you gave Hatake a look, before crossing your arms over your chest. “Alright. Tell me what bugs you so much.”

But apparently, the window of opportunity had closed. The injured man only waved one hand in front of his face, all the while grinning under the stupid mask of his. “Oh no. Nope, I won’t spill anything. He made me promise I wouldn’t say anything to you.”

“Tenzo? Was he in here?” Really strange. Especially when you remembered the talk you had with him in the breaking dawn of this day, about his new mission and the other cryptid words he uttered.

 

Out of instinct, your forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What is going on here? What is this mission Tenzo was talking about?”

“So he told you that much?” The grey-haired man seemed to pout underneath his mask, but you wouldn’t bet on that impression. “That is quite a surprise.”

“ _What_ is a surprise?”

“Oh no. I’m not going to tell you anything. He should tell you, for sure.” With that, the man reached out again to his worn-out romance novel and found unerringly the page he left off with a single flick of his wrist. “Greet Tenzo from me and tell him he has to pay for our next lunch for that favor.”

No matter what you would do or offer him, Kakashi Hatake was not someone who would break the word he had given to somebody, not to talk about his beloved kouhai. Stubbornly, he kept his constantly bored eyes on the letters, all the while you huffed, waited for a few more moments, only to throw your hands into the air and walk out of the room.

“Until next time!” Hatake’s happy voice echoed after you, while you waved over your shoulder. No use in getting agitated. He was just like this and you couldn’t change a thing about his behavior.

With an annoyed roll of your eyes, you stormed into the changing room and started to strip out of your uniform and tugged the light summer clothing again over your body. Fine, if they didn’t want to tell you anything, then you wouldn’t ask. And this evening on the meadow, you would ask Tenzo what kind of secret mission he had going on, sneakily and totally not as obvious as it sounded currently.

You grumbled to yourself when you slung the strap of your bag over your shoulder. One last tug and you were gone, out of the changing room and out of the hospital. You were already prepared to search the trees around the hospital for a sign of your boyfriend, but you didn’t have to do it. You didn’t have to search for Tenzo at all.

 

There was a group of people meeting up here. _Shinobi_ , you noted absentmindedly, while your eyes again flew up to the trees. But then, you made a double-take. Wait. _Wait_. Wasn’t that…? You swiveled around and stared openly and unashamed at the group meeting going on.

You knew that broad back. You knew these shoulders, cladded into a standard-issue shinobi-vest. You knew these big hands, one placed on trained hips, the other hanging in a relaxed manner down, while the belonging man was busy reprimanding the three teenagers in front of him.

There wasn’t anything extraordinary about the group, just another cell of shinobi on their way to another mission. You shouldn’t stare transfixed at them, even though two of them, the only girl and a blond boy, were wrestling and trying not to attack the third guy on their team, were noticeable and eye-catching enough. No, you could only stare at the hazelnut-brown hair, rimmed by the edges of a metallic happuri you knew too well.

Still wide-eyed, you stumbled closer and listened to the half-screamed and insult-rich conservation.

“…you’re just a massive asshole!”

“Keep calm Naruto, just keep your calm, it’s nothing to freak out about!”

“He called me stupid!”

“That doesn’t matter!”

You only recognized the girl by her bright, pink hair and the distinctive red clothing. Sakura-sama, the patient and friendly medic ninja who talked to you a long time ago. Right now, from her patience and friendliness was not much left. An irritated tone rang in her voice as she scolded her blond teammate, who tried to wiggle out of her relentless grip around his neck and strangle the other shinobi in their round. A black-haired, pale boy, attempting to form an empty smile which send an icy shower down your back and your eyes switched quickly to the last, familiar and secure back. The familiar, muscular, wide and terribly attractive back.

Obviously, also the captain of the small squad.

 

Still dazed, but with a growing warmth inside your chest ( _happiness, disbelief, surprise, so much love_ ) you stepped closer, clutching the strap of your bag between your sweaty hands. Sakura was the first one to see you and her sea-green eyes widened a fraction, before she almost let go of her teammate.

On cue, the captain turned around. His brown hair was held back by the shiny, new happuri, the wide shoulders were perfectly adorned by the green vest which was a pain in the ass to work around whenever a wearer of said uniform came into the emergency room and the relaxed expression on his face only brightened when his dark eyes spotted you.

Tenzo. In normal shinobi clothing. No ANBU uniform. You could feel the tears of happiness burning in your eyes when he smiled widely.

“Hey,” he greeted and raised one hand for a silly, little wave. “I promised to pick you up and here I am.”

“Yeah.” You nodded weakly, all the while taking another step closer. “Yeah, you promised.”

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

“Could be the case.” Giggling, you shook your head, while the burning in your eyes grew stronger, until you took the final step towards the brunet.

It was just… Tenzo looked simply so content. Like the missing ANBU-uniform took an invisible weight off his shoulders. He didn’t look like he expected that the next difficult mission would be his last.  There had been a shadow in his eyes for as long as you had known him. A shadow you hadn’t noticed during the first weeks and months. Only later on, when Tenzo needed longer and longer to say his goodbyes to you before he had to leave for another mission, you realized what bothered him so much.

His arm snaked around your waist and tugged you into his side, and like it was your second nature, you buried your face in his shoulder. The familiar scent of forest and wood drowned everything out and you snuggled closer, not caring about the not-so-secret whispers of the young shinobi.

 

But your mind listened to the whole bickering and bantering, whispered words uttered in complete disbelief and wonder. Again and again, the unknown name “Yamato-taichou” fell and only after a few more minutes of undisturbed hugging, you puzzled the pieces together.

Gently, you nudged with your nose Tenzo’s neck. “New identity?” you mumbled, just above a simple exhale of air. Enough for the shinobi, not enough for the younger ones to hear anything.

His chin flinched downwards, small enough to be seen as an instinctive jerk and nothing more than that. But you knew what it was, thus, grinned weakly into the dark-blue fabric of the loose sweatshirt.

 _Yamato._ A good name. You liked it. And you would hear that name from now on a lot. You had to test it. Formed the single syllables carefully, rolled your tongue around the letters, tasted them with a single-minded determination you never experienced before. Silently, without the other shinobi noticing anything, you mouthed the new name over and over.

_Yamato. Yam-a-to. Ya-ma-to. It fits._

His grip around your waist tightened, a tiny squeeze of your flesh. You nudged him one last time with your nose and pressed a kiss through the fabric, then you emerged from the little bubble you and Tenzo created around yourself for a tiny bit of conversation without actually saying anything.

The young ones stared unashamed at their captain and you, totally transfixed. Sakura was the first one to recover from the shock and threw a little, knowing smile at you, before giggling into her gloved hands. Just as unashamed and confident, you allowed your head to fall sideward and lean against his shoulder, while the blond boy blushed in the brightest shade of red you had ever seen, all the while the black-haired one looked mildly interested at Tenzo’s hand laying at your hip.

 

“On another note,” Tenzo said to his team, a team you would probably also see a lot more often from now on, “I want to introduce you three to someone. (Y/N), this will be my team for the time being, as long as Kakashi-senpai is in the hospital and as long as Hokage-sama sees fit. There’s Naruto,” the blonde waved at you, still incredibly embarrassed at the open display of casual intimacy right in front of him, “And you know Sakura already from the hospital-!”

“Absolutely.” Sakura-sama nodded at you, eyes sparkling in happiness and badly hidden knowledge about the situation. She realized at least something about this here right now, a fraction of a gist of the whole picture. But the girl knew about back then, when Tenzo had been hurt and connected the dots maybe mostly correctly.

“And lastly, we have our newest member, Sai.” Tenzo finished and pointed at the black-haired boy, who was already starting to say something, before a short glare of your boyfriend made him close his mouth again.

Strange. Now, that the mystery of what kind of mission Tenzo would be on for the next weeks was cleared up, you could ask about that strange behavior later on. Much, much later. Your hip nudged into his, and just as unnoticeable, Tenzo nudged back as he spoke up again, voice clear and light like he never had a dark past and a black uniform to hide. “And that here is my girlfriend (Y/N) (L/N). She’s a nurse at the hospital here, so maybe, if we’re unlucky on our mission, we have to spend a little bit of time with her.”

“What do you mean?” Acting hurt, you turned your head to him. “Unlucky? Excuse me? If I see one of you in the hospital during my shift, I will personally make sure that you will never forget to avoid any kind of injury.”

Tenzo had the slightest shade of a blush rising to his ears as he retaliated, and the tiniest smug smirk on his face. “You heard her. Don’t get injured or you will have to listen to her lectures.”

“That is my job as your girlfriend,” you instantly answered and winked, before turning to the young shinobis, who had watched the little banter with wide eyes and different shades of red on their faces.

 

“As you can see, I don’t have it easy here with your captain. But please, I would like him back in one piece, so would you watch out for him a bit?”

Maybe it was just your imagination, but you thought that Naruto blushed a tiny bit more.

While you continued to talk with the team of your boyfriend, you felt how Tenzo relaxed against your flank. Like another, invisible weight had fallen off of him, one you hadn’t seen during the time you spent with him. Only when he joined the conversation, throwing in a word here and there, his hand never leaving your waist and holding your body with the care someone else would use for a special piece of porcelain, the realization slowly dawned upon you.

Normalcy. That was everything Tenzo ever longed for. The life in the light, not always hidden in the shadows, having a team, having friends, having a girlfriend… Normalcy. A normal life, as normal as the life of a shinobi could ever be. It was his first time, living this kind of life. And he wanted every little part of it, wanted to experience it with the despair and longing of a famished man seeing a table rich with the most delicious meals he could ever dream of.

Being taken out of ANBU was only the first step. The first step of many. Having introduced you as his girlfriend to the teens who would work with him from now on, that had been the second.

Carefully, the arm pressed against him sneaked around Tenzo’s back. He didn’t do anything to stop it, just kept on talking over the last details of a mission without being too concrete right in front of you ( _old habits died hard_ ), while your palm cupped gently his ripped waist, almost completely hidden by the thick and reinforced material of the green vest.

Yes. The first step of many. It was a long way for him to go. But it already had been a long way to where he was now, a long way for both of you. Lots of talks, numerous of misunderstandings, trials, errors, mistakes, apologies and communication. Together, you worked on it, on your slowly vanishing fear and at his lack of understanding for emotions.

Yes, a long way, indeed. But together, you both would manage. It worked until today and you would make sure it would continue to work.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“-and then I go all ice-cold and bitchy and say: “Does this man seem like he can weave his hand signs without a problem with his broken thumbs or the splints you want to put on his hands?” That was probably the moment she decided to kill me in her thoughts.”

Tenzo threw his head backwards and laughed loudly. The echo floated over the ceiling, all the while the river murmured weakly and the crickets could be heard over everything else. You enjoyed the sound too much to stop your story and like that, you told about the rest of the encounter with the hostile nurse and at the end, Tenzo’s warm chuckle brought also a smile on your face.

The summer night was perfect for a picnic with take-out on your little secret clearing. A blanket was spread out on the ground, the different boxes with the delicious food were nearly empty, a bottle of wine Tenzo seemed to have pulled out of thin air was also close to being completely emptied out, and you were hurdled against Tenzo’s chest, while the man laid flat on his back and looked up to the bright stars. It was warm enough to enjoy the night in your shirt and skirt only, while the man lost his vest and happuri the moment you two stepped onto the meadow, loaded with the bag of food and drinks. They laid forgotten on the ground, while Tenzo had his arms slung around your body and held you comfortably against his chest, your head neatly tucked underneath his chin.

Your fingers were lazily trailing over his arm and body, experiencing the well-known lines and hard muscles with never-changing fascination. Every time you were able to touch Tenzo without being at least slightly uncomfortable, it was like a little miracle for you. The last hints of panic in that regard only vanished recently, so you were still a bit high from the little achievement, so that you didn’t register Tenzo’s almost whispered words for a few seconds. But eventually, you did and looked up to him.

“I like lying here with you.”

“Yeah?”

“Unbelievable, but true.”

You snorted. “Tenzo, you insufferable…”

“Nu-uh. It’s “Yamato” now.” Due to the faint light of the moon and the stars you weren’t quite sure, but it almost seemed like the man had a smug grin on his face when he corrected you.

 

You sighed lowly. “Okay, fine. _Yamato_ it is. Which one do you prefer, actually? Which name should I use from now on?”

Since the day on the clearing almost a whole year ago, you always talked about changes in your lives and relationship. It had been like this when Tenzo asked to stay the night to cuddle and when you asked him months after that to move into your small flat. And surely, a change of his name also fell under that category.

The brunet didn’t think too long about it. Apparently, he already made a decision in that matter and only waited for you to utter that question. “Yamato.”

“May I ask why?”

He fidgeted a bit, your head sliding a bit over his wide chest. On instinct, you clawed into his body and the strong muscles flexing underneath your palms let your heart accelerate the tiniest bit. Confused, you peered at his face and tried to search for his dark eyes, but the darkness was too strong and the light far too weak. Only when the man leaned over, smiling in slight anxiety, you could see into his eyes and see how insecure he still was. “Tenzo is a man who had no idea what he was doing. He had no clue what he did, just blindly pursued his dreams without looking left and right. He hurt you in the process, he hurt a lot of people. He forced you to face your fears head on. Kinoe was a child, not knowing any better, but this is not an excuse at all. But Yamato…” He breathed rashly in. “Yamato is a whole new man who learns from the mistakes of both Kinoe and Tenzo. He knows what he wants and that is this calm life. Yamato is someone I would like to be one day. So… Yes. That would be my reason.”

“As good as any other,” you croaked.

_My god. He’s still feeling guilty._

He still felt ashamed for all what happened. After all this time, you thought it would be a thing of the past, all the guilt and shame and sheer _blame_ he tended to put onto his own shoulders. Through all the talks and conversations to overcome the problems of back then, you believed it would be alright for him, that he would learn to forgive himself. But apparently, you hadn’t looked hard enough for the signs.

 

“Hey.” You propped yourself onto your elbows, what caused the man to follow you like you two were connected by invisible strings. Your faces were never farther apart than a few inches, his breath smelling of forest and wine ghosting around your nose. “Hey. Kinoe.”

The man flinched backwards like you physically hurt him by bringing up that name, but you continued, weak and begging him to stay with you. “You were the first person I fell in love with. Sure, it was just a child’s crush and it didn’t end well, but you were my first. Except for what happened, I wouldn’t change a thing about Kinoe.”

You were kneeling beside the brunet, who shored himself on his lower arms. Nervousness churned in your stomach, the same kind of giddy nervousness which preceded your confession at his hospital bed, when the ANBU had been injured and you were torn by the relationship with Kiyoshi and your budding feelings.

_It will feel right. I know it._

Your hands trembled when you inched closer. They still trembled when you softly cupped his face, feeling the sharp jawline and the heat radiating from the man. “Tenzo,” you started, voice rough and riddled with emotions, “Tenzo was a man with mistakes, I won’t deny that. But,” you leaned even closer, so close in you could hear the slight, dry gulp echoing through his throat, “But he was also the man who tried to right what Kinoe did wrong. With all his might, with all he had. And that wasn’t much. I also fell in love with him for that, you know?”

Another inch in. Now, you were so close that, whenever your lips moved to form more whispered words, they would _nearly_ , _barely_ graze his lips. “I fell in love with that Tenzo. But I guess, when Kinoe and Tenzo are still alive in that Yamato, then I can also fall in love with him once more,” you stated weakly.

Yamato breathed out. The exhale stuttered in his oh so obvious anxiety. The mood was set. The warmth thrumming through your body urged you on, the blood seemed to boil in your veins and your own breath was even when you asked the next question, low, huskily and eyes already halfway closed.

 

“Yamato? Can I kiss you?”

At first, Yamato went rigid. His whole body seemed to turn into granite, even the hasty exhale crashing against your wet lips seemed to be harder than the ones before. Then, after a few more, loaded seconds, in which you listened to the crickets chirping in the forest around you, you could more feel than see the meek, shy nod of the brunet.

_I love you, Yamato._

Gently, but with confidence, you molded your lips together. Sweaty hands slipping down to his neck, you started to kiss the man, slowly, thoroughly, gently. This was his first kiss and your first kiss with him. It should be a beautiful memory, one he liked to look back to. Like he could read your mind, Yamato stayed almost impossibly still, just enjoyed everything you gave to him. Your lips moved, slid over his chapped ones, you even bit down into his bottom lip. It was nice, but it would be even better…

Slightly out of breath, you leaned your forehead against his, your fingers still laying at his strong neck. “You can kiss me back, you know?” Chuckling, you nudged Yamato’s nose with yours.

“Sure?”

“Yes. Please, kiss me back.”

“Oh. Uhm…” Yamato fidgeted a little bit, before he nodded again. The tip of his nose rubbed against yours in the sweetest way possible. “Okay.”

He pressed a chaste kiss to your lips and retreated, but just when you wanted to interject, he leaned upwards and captured your lips once more. His lips moved, a bit clumsily and also partly sloppy, but you didn’t mind. Gently, you coaxed him out of his shyness, angled his face with your warmed-up fingers, answered and directed Yamato until the warmth in your belly flooded into the rest of your body. Then, his tongue licked over your bottom lip, just a short flick. Raw lightning zapped through your spine and a weak moan was ripped from your mouth. Eagerly, you pressed forward, arched into the man, who let out his first groan and also-!

 

Dull pain shot through your teeth. Measured at his pained gasp and the quick retreat, Yamato felt that too. He grunted, while one of his hands flew up to touch warily his mouth.

“Sorry,” you mumbled. “It hurts when the teeth clank together. I was too eager.”

“Don’t apologize,” he answered, and the certain rasp of his voice told you that he was still affected, “Rabbit… Please, don’t apologize. Before that… Before that happened, it felt really, _really_ good. I-I want…”

“You want to try again?”

This time, his nods was the epitome of excitement. One moment later, his lips searched yours and found it. Another soft kiss; soft and slow and gentle. Yamato tasted of the wine and the food from earlier, mixed with the faint notes of coffee and cinnamon. More hushed moans were swallowed, more careful urgency laced every of your movements and every of his, your fingers cupped his face, drew the jawline and felt the pulse rapidly beating at his neck. This time, there was no painful awakening, no bursting of the bubble. There was just Yamato, who got lost in the kiss you two shared, who moaned and sighed in bliss when your tongues entwined; caressed each other and who tried to lean further upwards, arched into you.

You had no idea how much time had passed when you broke the kiss. The only thing you were painfully aware of was that your lips felt slightly swollen and that you trembled in the pure energy flooding through your veins. Your breath came in ragged, short puffs and when you leaned backwards to enjoy the night breeze ghosting over your sweat stained skin, you had to smile at the disbelieving mumble Yamato let out.

“Oh man. Oooooh my… _Gods_. I can’t… I would’ve never…”

“So, it was good?” Breathlessly, you looked into the vague direction of his features. “And remember, anything else would be a slight insult at this point.”

His chuckle was maybe just as breathless, just as overthrown as yours. “Good? (Y/N), rabbit… That was the best first kiss. Better than I could’ve ever dreamed of. Better than I wished for.”

 

“You wished for us… to kiss?” you asked.

He nodded weakly. “Yes. Yes, of course. I love you, rabbit. Of course, I wanted to kiss you. I want to do this whenever I can, whenever you allow me to.”

A strange mixture of feelings clogged your throat. Your mouth opened and you tried to give him your permission, but nothing but air came out. None of the feelings were negative, all of them sent giddy tingles into your limbs, made you lightheaded ad jitterish, made you inch closer that your knees bumped into Yamato’s ribs.

Weakly, you nodded at him. Then, you repeated your nod, which grew bigger and hastier, until a laugh broke free, wet and happy at the same time. “Yeah,” you laughed, “Yeah. Okay, whenever you want. If I am allowed the same?”

Warm, big fingers stroked over your cheek, only for the palm to cup your face. Like a cat, you cuddled into the soft caress, all the while Yamato whispered to you. “Like I could deny you anything.”

“Good. Then, be prepared.”

“For what?”

“To be kissed whenever I’m close to you,” you hoarsely whispered.

“I would love that.” Yamato answered almost in the same breath you ended your sentence. He coughed, before speaking again, softer and less eager this time. “I would… I would really love that.”

His fingertips danced over your face, felt the way how your lips curled into a smile, how your cheeks lifted with it, how your eyebrows slightly twitched and wrinkled underneath his touch. You were pretty sure Yamato could see more than you in the darkness and still, his fingers were like the fingers of a blind person, reading your face and trying to assess what you felt through touch alone.

“Alright,” you croaked. His index fingers stroked one more time over your temples, before they dropped to your cheeks again. “Hey, Yamato. Do you know what that means?”

They paused in the middle of the motion. “What?”

You leaned again forward, and before you molded your lips once more together, reveling in the new step you two took together forward, you whispered hoarsely to him, soft, gentle words. “From now on, I want to kiss you all the time.”

Yamato’s appreciative hum resonated in your chest when you cuddled into his strong build, still kissing and smiling all the time, enjoying the time you had with him and not giving a damn about the coming day.

 

It wasn’t perfect. But it was everything you had and right here, right now, it was a good thing. For you, in this moment, it _was_ perfect, with all the imperfections and small stones on the long way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proofread by the amazing Chisie! Thank youuuu~!
> 
> Explanation time, this time, only for me and why this story might be not as satisfactory for some people when it comes to the recovery.   
> As I said several times before, I never underwent this kind of trauma. In that regard, I was very lucky, not like other people. I can only try to imagine what it must feel like for some of you, I can only read blogs and articles which explain it, but personally, I was also kind of not satisfied with how my brain pictured the recovery. I tried to write some of it. I really, really tried, but nothing I produced felt right for me, in this very situation of a writer who wants her story the best it can be with her limited skills and insight.   
> That is the reason why it might... It lacks in that department. It definitely lacks there, but not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't write it at a level where I could personally say: "Yes, that's it. That is how I want them to act in this situation."   
> I'm sorry for the people who were disappointed by this fic, who thought there would be more recovery and more of how the MC recovered exactly. I stated some other reasons already in the comment-section (lack of time etc), but this is my main reason for not going the full recovery-road here, in this chapter.  
> Again, I'm sorry and I hope that for as long as "It was a long way" was to your liking, you enjoyed the little journey nevertheless.


	16. Savoring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamato is nervous about a special part of your relationship, to the point of running away. Thankfully, you're more than willing to be patient and teach him all about sex between lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this took longer than expected. I already explained it on my tumblr page, but I went home for Christmas, Uni wanted the last bits of my soul with essays, reports and whatever and I struggled a lot with the dimwit of a flatmate I have. (Pls don't ask. He's just the devil, point.)
> 
> Anyway, this chapter nevertheless grew longer than I expected! 21 pages in Google Docs, oh my. ^^ I hope that this is a worthy first time for Yamato and the MC. I tried hard to make it seem special and soft and still make it that it's just special for these two characters (yeah, I count the second POV-MC as a character ^^''). Anyway, I hope all of you reading this had fun, took delight in the troubles of Yamato/Tenzo and in general, jsut enjoyed this longer-than-thought story! :D  
> I had certainly fun writing this and would've never believed that so many people would like it too. So, again, thank all of you very much for commenting, liking and just reading "It was a long way", because it was certainly a long one xD (to be exact, 201 pages and 133.535 words). 
> 
> Have a nice day! :D

Casual intimacy was always a big theme in your relationship with Yamato. Before, when he was only Tenzo with an eternally grinning cat mask, holding his hand was easy and the skin-to-skin-contact felt great. But when you found out that Tenzo was Kinoe, your fears acted up, made his touch turn bitter and to be despised. Step for step, he and you worked on your fears to overcome that reaction. Hand holding always was the easiest, maybe strained and hard _at first_. But whenever it became too much, you could detangle your hand from his without a problem. Yamato didn’t hold you back, just smiled in understanding.

Even though he was the one who craved more than anyone for the normalcy of casual hand holding and hugs. He always understood, always waited, smiled and supported you, was there when you would push him away and when you needed wordless comfort. When hand holding wasn’t that straining for your tense nerves anymore, he suggested hugging, initially only on your terms; What meant that he would lie down and allow you to do whatever you wanted without moving one muscle.

The first try was horrible. Horrible for him, horrible for you. Not even for ten seconds you managed to flush your flank to his side. A mighty sickness washed over your mind and body and before you knew it, you heaved dryly over the toilet, cold sweat staining your clothes and Yamato’s worried, warm tone in your ears. He apologized, over and over, for being too eager and too hasty, too impatient to wait longer for you to get comfortable with his presence.

It had been a long and rocky journey, for both of you. But that made these moments when you made a huge step forward even more precious. These proved the progress of the month was worth the effort you put into it by seeing Yamato smiling warmly and in slight disbelief when you were able to take his hand or hugged him out of the blue.

Seeing him simply content was worth everything.

 

Kissing him was easier than you thought it would be. From the moment on the clearing, you stood true to your promise. Kissing him whenever you could, whenever there was a chance. A good-morning-kiss before he had to go to an early training session. A goodbye-kiss when he had to leave for a mission with Team 7 and a Welcome-Back-kiss when they arrived safe and sound in Konoha again.

And so many more in between. Soon, Yamato had enough experience to make you gasp and moan into his mouth, was secure enough to know that his touches wouldn’t scare you away any longer, and brave enough to actually touch you there where you wanted to be touched. Over the time, you became bolder and bolder, until you wanted to take the next step out of your own accord.

But this time, it wasn’t you who had doubts about that special kind of intimacy.

It became clear to you when you were deeply caught up in a heated make-out-session with Yamato. One second, you laid on top of him, hands cupping Yamato’s sharp features, grinding and withering against him while his tongue skillfully did what you taught him to. Moans were swallowed, hungry lips searched for more, slid over skin and down to his neck, while his big hands squeezed your ass, what made you buck and moan even louder. The next, the man was gone and you faceplanted into the couch due to the sudden shushin the ANBU performed to get away. Smoke of the flight floated through the air and you had to cough, all the while you tried to move upwards and find Yamato again.

“What…” you wheezed between two coughs, “What was that? Yamato?”

Nothing. He wasn’t in the living room anymore. Just to be sure, you peeked completely over the backrest of the couch, the movie still running in the background. No, he wasn’t there either. Automatically, your eyebrows drew together. Where was he? Why did he see the need to run away?

Again, you called out to him. “Yamato? Love, where are you?”

Your weak civilian-ears caught some shuffles from the direction of the bathroom. Shuffles like someone stripped hastily out of his clothes and stepped into the small shower, quickly after the heavy sound of the lock turning and sealing the bathroom thundered through the small flat.

 

Confusion whirled through your brain. Why would he hide in the bathroom, even lock the door right in the middle of one of the hottest kisses you ever shared? Absentmindedly, you touched your swollen and sensitive lips, all the while standing up from the couch and tip-toeing to the door leading into the bathroom.

“Yamato?” Gently, you rapped your knuckles against the wood. “Love? Please, talk to me.”

The shower continued to run and you had the faint impression Yamato turned the water even more up. At least, the noise of the water increased noticeably.

Again, you knocked at the door, now more worried than anything else. “Love? What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are you in pain?”

You couldn’t stop the slither of panic sneaking into your voice. The words had a slightly higher edge to them before you noticed what you did with your panicking and worrying. With a deep inhale, you leaned your forehead against the cooler wood of the door, before nodding to yourself and backing up. Right now, you would only uselessly try to get something out of him, back Yamato into a corner, which would make the man only clam up. No, the better option was taking a step back and wait until he would come to you. Like waiting for a wild animal, always with open arms and always with an open mind.

With that unsatisfying resolution in mind, you went back to the living room and fell back into the cushions of the comfortable couch, the residing warmth of two people still clinging to the pillows and soft fabric. Mindlessly, you continued to stare at the weakly flickering screen of the TV, all the while you didn’t even register one bit of the story. Your mind was elsewhere, only fixated on the bathroom and the beloved person inside. You listened to the sound of the shower being turned off, to the silent shuffles of clothing being pulled over limbs and legs, listened to the sound of the door being unlocked again.

You threw only a small glance over the shoulder and seeing Yamato with slightly damp hair, standing in the middle of the hallway, his expression slightly ashamed and hands folded in front of his chest, only weakened your resolve of not asking him what was wrong.

 

But instead, you turned again to the TV, staring blindly at the screen and not one bit registering the action running over the screen. You waited impatiently, your fingers of your right hand drumming rhythmically on your thigh, all the while you were so close to pick up a nasty habit of your juvenile days again and nibble at the fingernails of your left hand.

Finally, you heard the man sigh. “Sorry,” he breathed and the soft steps which were purposefully set to be loud enough for you to follow them echoed in the living room, “For running away.”

“Apology accepted.” You looked up when Yamato dropped heavily into the cushions of the couch, too far away to touch even an inch of your skin or body at all. The man didn’t turn his head at all, just stared just as blindly ahead as you and probably registered just as much of the movie as you did before. Carefully, you scooted closer to the brunet, knowing he couldn’t escape due to the end of the couch and without showing that he wanted to get away. When your thighs brushed against his, Yamato’s black eyes flickered to your face, only to promptly return to the screen, all the while a lovely blush spread on the bridge of his nose.

Gently, you nudged his leg. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Yamato turned his face away, almost like a young, embarrassed child would. “It’s… It’s really nothing, rabbit.”

“Then, why don’t we cuddle again?” Like an accident, your hand landed on his calf. Yamato jerked, looked again at you, and when he noticed you were watching him, his eyes instantly darted towards the TV. Time to pick it up a notch. Like every so often, you started to rub the strong, big muscle beneath your palm, enjoying the subconscious twitches and the noticeable relaxation in his overall posture.

When the man nodded and smiled at you again, you instantly flushed yourself against his flank and enjoyed the feeling of being calm when his arm fell around your shoulder. Being close to Yamato, being able to do something as simple as hugging and cuddling that other couples took for granted was amazing in itself.

 

But there was still the nagging question in your mind. Why did Yamato run off in the middle of making out? That didn’t leave you alone for the rest of the movie, even though you had no idea anymore what was going on, even when you actually _tried_ to focus on the story. Was it something you did? Or even worse, something you _didn’t_ do? Didn’t he like your kisses and touches anymore? Maybe he found someone else already and wanted to move on…

_Bullshit. Just open your mouth and ask him instead of worrying endlessly._

“Yamato?”

“Yes?”

“Can we talk about your reason why you went into the bathroom? I’m feeling a bit insecure about that.”

That’s what you two set as a start for important talks. Yes, free space was important to work through one’s own embarrassment and insecurity, but if the one party became also insecure in return due to the actions of the other, shying away party, it needed to be stated upfront, so that everyone knew that this was a talk which shouldn’t be avoided. You brought up the reason of your insecurities and stated that Yamato’s action reanimated some negative feelings without placing the blame on him. It took you long enough to get to this state of clean and calm communication.

Yamato shuffled a bit beside you, but he didn’t run away. Yet. (Also, something which happened too often to not consider this possibility. Both of you had taken any chances to get away from particular embarrassing talks.) “It’s…” he mumbled, before shaking his head. “It’s nothing.”

You nodded wordlessly. Your cheek pressed against his flank ruffled over the fabric of his shirt, revealing some of his naturally tan skin. And of course, your rebellious hands needed to touch the bare sliver of skin, caressing the sensitive patch of his muscled waist.

Instantly, Yamato tensed up. Underneath your fingers, the body hardened, before the man started to wiggle out of your embrace, slower and more careful than before. Obviously, he regretted being the cause of your faceplant into the couch.

Though before the man could hide once more in the bathroom, you pulled back and this time, tears stood in your eyes. With a hasty motion, you wiped over your face, before you looked up to the frozen brunet, who stared wide-eyed and with a little bit of panic at you.

 

“Okay, what is going on?” Your voice trembled, out of insecurity and also laced with the tiniest amount of frustration. “Your behavior right now is hurting me, running away from any kind of intimacy when I just want to make you feel comfortable and good. Would you _please_ tell me-?”

“I’m a virgin.”

Confused, you blinked. Once, twice. Yamato’s face was bright red, from the tip of his ears to the neck, all the while his hands were clenched around each other. He breathed deeply in, before speaking up again, hastily and apologetic that your heart clenched painfully. “I’m still… I never had… Back then, we were taught that such missions were too unreliable in gathering information or creating a weak spot for a target to learn anything about the… _processes_ than the biology books the teachers threw at us. Also, it can mess with the loyalty of a shinobi, so we were advised not to get involved with the red-light district in Konoha or anywhere else either. Relationships, if now emotional or physical were frowned upon and also forbidden. So… That’s why I’m…”

His voice trailed off. Dark eyes searched yours, only to drop back to his feet when they found their goal.

Meanwhile, the intimate confession echoed loudly in your head. So… Yamato was a virgin. Never had sex before. Well, you could’ve figured that easily out, measured at his insecurity when you first kissed and his shyness laced into every move. He even said it was his first kiss! But somehow, you didn’t make the connection from “a first kiss” to “sexual virgin”. Somehow, you managed to successfully ignore it, and now, it dawned upon you _why_ exactly Yamato ran away only a few minutes ago, in the middle of a heated kiss with touches wandering dangerously low to his pants.

It was your turn to blush. Quickly, you hid your eyes behind a hand, while the other fumbled with your own sleeve. Of course, Yamato would be aroused. Of course, he was probably confused by what was happening and insecure, when he never experienced such emotions before. And now, the shower made sense. If you would stand up and check the still wet tiles in the bathroom, the water would probably be ice-cold.

“…(Y/N)…? Can you please say something?”

“Yeah… Uhm…” You stuttered, before shrugging. “I honestly don’t know what to say.”

Yamato chuckled, but it sounded more like he tried to cover his own anxiety than a real expression of his amusement. “Well, at least you’re not bursting into a laughter.”

“Why should I do that?”

“Come on.” With a low sigh, Yamato scrubbed through his spiky hair. “A grown-up man of 26 years who never even went to a prostitute? It’s ridiculous.”

 

“It isn’t.” You tried to quickly reassure him. Seeing his crestfallen expression, you shuffled around, until you kneeled on the couch and were closer to his face than before. “It really isn’t that much of a big deal. Thank you for telling me this, Yamato.”

“But…” His voice trailed off.

His hands almost dwarfed yours when you took one of them. “No “buts”. I don’t mind. I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. Thank you for telling me this.”

“But isn’t…” Yamato stuttered, “Isn’t it, I don’t know, a hindrance?”

Insecurity was so clear like the stars outside on the night sky. Nervousness and fear of rejection, eyes big as the one of a child, Yamato glanced from time to time at you, only to fall back into the habit of staring at his naked toes. His whole body-posture reflected his utter embarrassment and his unwillingness to talk about something so terribly private.

Gently, you tugged him closer. And even closer than that, until the man hesitantly sat down right by your side, stiff like wood and still averting your eyes like you were able to kill on sight.

“Yamato,” you said, hands cradling his fingers and stroking absent-mindedly over his calloused knuckles, “It’s alright. I’m not judging you in the slightest. No, it isn’t a hindrance at all. Why do you think that?”

He shrugged. No words left his tightly sealed lips.

“Okay. Then don’t talk. Just… listen. The fact that you’re a virgin means just that we have to take step after step. Very slowly.”

“You mean, like the rest of our relationship?”

You giggled. “Yeah, just like the rest of our relationship. But this time, I will take the lead.”

Seeing Yamato perk up and stare at you, was balm for your slightly injured womanly pride. The little smile growing on your face was smug and a little bit confident, out of good reasons though. Since the revelation, a plan had formed in your mind, so goddamn tempting and simply _great_ that you just needed to pull it through.

Sure, Yamato had no experience. You had plenty. The quotation was simple and the result… Just as easy.

Smugly grinning, you leaned back into the cushions, all the while Yamato’s mouth parted slightly, a soft hue of red creeping over his neck and entire face. “I will show you how to have sex. How about tomorrow night?”

 

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The silk and lace were like water on your skin. Blessed, cool water, drawing dark lines of incarnate ornaments on your body, hugging your figure in all the right places and revealing more than the lingerie hid. Satisfied and secretly delighted, you circled and swayed in front of the body mirror, turning left and right, looking at your body which looked nothing but simply and utterly _delicious_ in the dessous.

“I think,” you shouted through the closed door of the bedroom, eyes never leaving your figure, “I think you can come in!”

“Sure?” Yamato’s muffled voice echoed through the small flat. “I can totally wait!”

_Then why do you sound like you are so close to jumping right out of the window?_

“Yes, I’m sure!” One last time, you stared at your own body in the mirror, before quickly getting onto the bed. There were two condoms delicately placed on the nightstand, some lube right beside the small packages. One last time, you went through the plan you laid out with the same care Yamato would probably bestow upon an invasion of a fortress or an assassination, before arranging your arms and legs so that your curves would be displayed to their fullest potential.

Tonight would be the night. A fire burned in your guts, warming your bones and spreading as an all encompassing tingle through your limbs. Tonight, you would show Yamato how sex could be between two lovers.

The door creaked slightly when Yamato pushed from the other side against the wood. One, two more hasty breaths, then the man stepped inside. His eyes were fixed on the ground and when he stood there at the end of the bed, only clothed in his thin sleeping shirt and boxer shorts, his hands seemed to tremble, before the man hid them behind his back.

With a playful pout, you looked up to him. “Yamato…”

“Yes?”

“Won’t you look at me?”

Even from your lowered position, you could see how his cheeks flared up in a bright cherry-red. A nice contrast to his brown hair, you thought absentmindedly, but still. You would prefer to know his eyes on you instead of set on the ground and his own feet.

 

Slowly, oh so slowly, his head moved upwards. Dark eyes slid over the end of the bed, your feet, crawled up to your legs and came to a first stop at the edges of the laced underwear, framing the curves of your ass quite nicely.

Yamato swallowed thickly. In the tense silence, the single tell-tale sound almost thundered through the room and made you squirm slightly. A curtain of heat settled over you, heavy and delirious, and unable to stop himself, the man continued to shamelessly stare further at the naked skin you presented so willingly to him.

Only for him.

Yamato swallowed again, before his eyes slid further upwards. Over your hips, your waist, your breasts. In return, you also watched him and you noticed with growing pride how the bulge in his boxer shorts started to grow. The brunet definitely seemed to like what he saw and what you chose to make this night memorable.

Gently, you drew your index and middle finger over your hips. The caress felt like ice on your heated skin. “And? What do you think?”

“I…” Yamato ruffled through his hair, eyes transfixed on your body. “I-I-I have no…”

He was nervous. Your heart bloomed when you patted the cushions right beside you. “It’s alright. No need to be nervous. Come here.” Again, you patted the free space right by your side, invitation and seduction all at once.

Yamato’s movements were usually graceful and smooth. Right now, he reminded you of an overly eager foal, limbs jittery and uncoordinated when he climbed up into your cushions. You had to bite your lips watching him and feeling his body warmth crawling over your skin when he finally settled down, still radiating nervousness. But he came closer and didn’t seem to be hesitant, so that was definitely a good sign.

“We can start with something you know already,” you said, “some kissing, for example. Touching is also good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” You smiled at the obvious relief oozing from Yamato. “Sex is just a step further than kissing. Don’t worry so much, alright? I’m here with you.”

He was still incredibly tense. Before anything could happen tonight, Yamato needed to relax a little bit. Therefore, you leaned forward, the blanket beneath your cheek ruffling slightly and nosing his chin. Your hands settled on his ripped waist, feeling the hard muscles straining and moving beneath the thin fabric of his sleeping shirt.

 

His breath crashed in ragged waves against your cheek. Then, Yamato moved. His hot hand landed on your bare waist, digging into the flesh, all the while his lips landed met yours. A soft, simple kiss. Almost tame in comparison what you would like. But you held still for Yamato, arched into the man, enjoyed the soft kiss with all you had. It was so utterly _him_ , careful and soft, and gentle. His hand on your waist squeezed your flesh, dug harder down, drew you closer. Yours slipped underneath the sleeping shirt and found, habitually, the hard muscles and sensitive spots in his lower back. Circles of ministrations made the man sigh subconsciously into your mouth. Slowly, the kiss grew more desperate, kindled by the shared caresses and sinful moans drifting through the air. His tongue met yours for the first time, urgent lips moved against each other, his hand wandered higher and drew the silky lace over your skin. His warmth turned into heat, burning, scorching and turning you into a whimpering mess. You reached up and cradled his head, burying your fingers into his soft hair and drawing closer. Closer, always closer. Not enough, you needed more. And he did too. Despite his life-long education, he wasn’t a silent, hidden kisser. His subconscious moans and sighs, his whimpers and whispers were maybe just as delicious and addicting as his touches, edging higher and higher and spread more and more over your entire body. Suddenly, he rolled you two around, until he hovered above you, lips still sealed in a heated kiss. One arm shored him from crushing you, the other was busy grabbing your hips and sneaking underneath the flimsy fabric of your dessous.

And you could feel how much Yamato enjoyed the kiss, touches and motions. His insistent, heavy length pressed against your lower stomach, what made you only arch more into the man.

Just like yesterday on the couch, when the kiss grew into more. More touches, more tongue, more heat. But this time, when the tension rose and the moans increased in volume, Yamato didn’t jump away. He grew more intense, drew away, only to pepper kisses down your neck to your collarbone. His lips nibbled gently on your skin, knowing what you liked from all the practice you two already had.

A gasp floated through the air when his teeth graced your collarbone. Hard and warm, they scratched over your skin, and you could only arch into him, helplessly clawing into the thick, brown hair. “Ya-!”

 

He nosed your skin, warm breath sliding almost sensually over your hot, slightly sweat-slicked surface. “Is that good?”

“Yes!” You gasped, rolling your hips against the hard length still pressed against your lower stomach. A low hiss was muffled in your shoulder, before Yamato found your lips again. No more softness. Only incredible, insufferable fire burning in your veins, making your resolution to lead the man through his first time gently and careful almost insignificant in comparison to the promise the kiss held.

More kisses, more touches. You had to put a stop to this before you would forget your original objective. Under a lot of effort, you managed to sneak a hand between his chest and yours and gently applied pressure. Underneath your palm, his chest tensed, before Yamato broke away, panting heavily.

“Too much?” he asked, words disturbed by his ragged exhales. “Sorry (Y/N).”

“No, not too much.” You amplified the pressure towards the chest and hesitantly, he loosened his embrace. But before he could come to his own conclusion, driven by nervousness and insecurity, you leaned in and purred against his Yamato’s thick neck, before licking the sweet, sweet spot where his pulse beat hastily. “Just about right. But you got me so carried away that my objective got lost.”

“And what would that be?” Yamato buried another moan in his chest, but in the dim light of the night lamp, you could see how much he was affected by the shared intimacy. A single drop of sweat rolled down his temple, his eyes were fixated on your face, only to occasionally sneak down to your still wonderfully accentuated breasts.

A smirk flashed over your face. “To make it a great first time for you. Now, raise your arms for me. Time to get you out of this offending clothing.”

 

Almost instantly, Yamato complied. The eagerness radiated from the man, despite the nervousness still standing clearly on his face. And still, he tried to push forward, trusting you in every regard. You definitely had to reward his… _good behavior._

At the thought of calling Yamato a “good boy” and hopefully pulling some kind of reaction out of him at being praised, a shudder wrecked your whole figure and you gasped almost inaudibly.

“What are you…?” he tried to ask, but then you shushed him with a single finger on his lips.

“That’s something for later,” you answered, all the while your other hand played with the lower rims of his sleeping shirt, “Much, much later. Don’t mind me.”

Gently, you pulled the shirt over Yamato’s head, always interrupted by gentle kisses. To his mouth, which the brunet loved to answer and arch into. On every inch of newly revealed skin, starting by his stomach. A nibbled kiss to his abs, edging higher, teeth gracing the planes and lines of a body trained to be a deadly weapon. You loved to hear Yamato’s gasps, his breathless whispers and the hasty callings of your name, pleads and little whimpers, carried by the same hoarse voice you loved so much.

“Gods… (Y/N). Right there, don’t… _Oh the heavens…_ ”

You reached his chest. Hard muscle, warm skin, his pectorals straining underneath your lips when you peppered more languid kisses around the already hardened nipples. A bite, a lick, and you dared to tease the right nipple with your tongue.

You never went this far with him. And it showed. Yamato gasped, the loudest sound until now, and flinched backwards.

“Everything alright?” Worriedly, you stretched your hands out, searched for the man, only to be met with a rough “Do that again,” and a follow up by a whispered, almost ashamed “ _Please_.”

_Oh. Seems I already found a little weak spot._

“You don’t have to be ashamed for something you like,” you mumbled, all the while leaning in once more. “And there will be so much to experience when we’re comfortably with each other. In a… _sexual_ way.”

 

“Can’t wait for that,” Yamato moaned, only to bite into his lower lip as soon as soon as your mouth wandered again over his pectorals. Smiling widely, you continued to caress his chest with fingers, lips and tongue. No use in hiding it, you also loved to see him becoming undone like this. Totally lost in the pleasure you gave him.

 

Gently, you pried the rest of his sleeping shirt over his head, only to throw the offending clothing into a far away corner. Next thing to go was your own bra. With hushed whispers, you guided Yamato to reach around your chest and unhook the laced dessous carefully. At first, his fingers were trembling and couldn’t undo the too small hooks, but then, the fabric fell away. Cold air brushed over your breasts, making you shudder oh so slightly under Yamato’s intense stare.

“You can touch me too, you know?” you teased and watched how the man blushed fiercely. Again, you grasped his calloused hands and guided them upwards, only to sigh weakly when they gently cupped your breasts. It was sweet relief, to finally feel his hands on your bare, heated skin. Automatically, you leaned into him, moaning and aching for his gentle, soft, hesitant touch.

“You’re doing good,” you gasped, while his fingers dug a little bit harder into your soft skin, “Gods, you’re doing so _good_.” Your hardened nubs dug into his palms, and when Yamato did what he already learned to like when your clothes stayed on your body, the volume of your breathless sighs increased. The heat rose inside the bedroom, while you two sunk deeper and deeper into the arousal circling through the air. You half-kneeled on the cushions, wearing only your laced panties, while Yamato was only inches apart, hands cupping your breasts with the delicacy others would give porcelain. He also only wore his boxer shorts, tented and already a darker spot formed on the dark fabric, right there where the tip of his obviously thick cock was.

Heat flooded through your system, making thinking nearly impossible and acting in your plan even harder than that. Despite the gentle massage Yamato gave your breasts, even tugged slightly at your nipples and made you arch and whimper, you closed your hands around his wrists and brought his big hands towards your lips. A peck to his knuckles and a heated glance into his wide eyes, then you smiled at him.

“That’s the foreplay. We touch each other, make sure the other feels comfortable and is ready for anything what is about to come. Do you feel good?”

Hastily, the brunet nodded.

“Good. That’s really good.” A shaky breath in, and you nodded at his boxer shorts. “They have to go too.”

It was only a blink of your eyes. One single second, in which you only noticed the swish of air and ruffle of fabric, only to find Yamato sitting right in front of you. Automatically, your eyes dropped lower, over his chest down to his navel and down to…

 

You just wanted to know what he looked like. Just a little sneak peek for later. But this… You never expected this little monster standing at attention like a good soldier. His dick was slightly askew, and out of instinct, your head fell also slightly to the right, the same direction the mushroom-shaped head was directed. No hair to see. Everything was neatly shaved, a matter of cleanliness on long missions, you thought absent-mindedly and watched how the dick twitched under your intense stare, like the organ could feel your interest and the slick wetness right between your legs.

And he was… _thick._ Just like the rest of his body, Yamato’s dick was thick. Not overly long, just about average in that regard. But definitely thicker than any other partner you had in your life and alone the thought of that dick inside of you, you had to suppress a deep, guttural moan of raw lust.

Another twitch, and another drop of clear pre-cum glistened underneath your intent stare. Subconsciously, you licked your lips, before finally being able to tear away your eyes from the delicious treat right in front of you.

Yamato was shuffling around, his hard dick slapping slightly against his ripped stomach. “Is… is there something the matter? Am I, I don’t know… Disfigured? Am I too different than other men?”

“No.” In the back of your mind, you were aware that Yamato asked that because in _his_ mind, the experiments could be at fault for anything. And with no one to turn to when it came to the usual teenager-worries, the changes of his body and the increase of hormones, he had no idea how his anatomy was supposed to look like, the state as a virgin doing the rest. “No, Yamato. My love, my ANBU. You look… You are more than perfect. I was just…” You shook your head, still staring at the treat right in front of you. “I was just amazed, nothing else.”

“So, is that…” Yamato gestured vaguely to his weeping cock. “Is that normal?”

You quickly shook your head. “No. It’s definitely above average. Not in length, but width… Wow.”

“You… like it?”

“I love it. Like the entire rest of you. And now,” you gestured towards the headboard of the bed, “Please. Do me the favor and settle down. Relax. Let me take the reign.”

 

Not for the first time, you thanked the man inwardly for bringing in the sturdy and broad bedframe into the flat when he moved in. Dark wood, strong enough to carry ten people, a soft mattress. More than one time you had tried to imagine how it would feel to finally be able to have sex with Yamato in this bed and today would be the day. Or more like, the night when your little, dirty fantasies would come true.

Yamato followed your instructions. The hastiness in his movements had ceased, but there was still the overall eagerness of a young puppy shining through his behavior when he crawled up to the headboard. You watched how he pushed the pillows aside and settled down, leaning against the dark wood when his black, deep eyes fell again on you. Butt-naked and nervous, hands fiddling with each other, all the while his dick was still hard and leaked more of the translucent liquid.

It felt great to have his attentive gaze on you. His first sexual experience. At the mere thought, the fire burning in your loins intensified, kindled into a bright, blue flame. You wanted, no, needed to make this night special for him, even more special than the first sex with someone you loved could be. It was your responsibility and pleasure, in the truest sense of the word.

Your eyes captured his and held the gaze. All the while your fingers slid teasingly underneath the flimsy material of your underwear. In the motion, your breasts became more pronounced, nipples pointing directly at the man, while you wiggled your behind to strip the last bit of clothing clinging to your body off.

“I brought this set just for you.” You whispered huskily, while the lace slid over your thighs. “I thought about you while buying it. How you would look when you would see it. How you would look when I would strip it off. And I have to say,” the lace slid further down, over your knees and you had to shuffle over the blankets to completely lose the underwear, only to throw them into the same direction as Yamato’s shirt, “The reality is better than all the fantasies I had.”

Proudly, with the hands placed on your hips, you kneeled on the bed. Yamato’s mouth fell open, while his eyes wandered up and down, not knowing where to settle on. Your breasts, heaving slightly with every breath you took. Your stomach, soft and filled with fire. Or your pulsing sex, emitting the heavy, musky scent of your arousal, what you couldn’t and didn’t want to hide from the man.

 

“I tried this set on,” you continued, voice husky and promising so many dirty things that the man started to shuffle around, “and in the changing room, I could only think about you. Your big hands, holding me so easily. Your wide chest, always so sensitive to my touch. Your thick, sturdy thighs, pressing against mine when I’m on top of you. At the end, I had to buy this set, because the panties were _soaked_ , that bothered and occupied were my thoughts. I could barely hand the cashier my money.”

You didn’t think it would’ve been possible, but the omnipresent blush on Yamato’s face intensified while he listened to your little dirty talk. Once more, the man shuffled over the linen, dick bobbing up and down. He groaned into the tense silence when you turned sideward, showing off the curve of your ass and soft thighs. “(Y/N), please! I don’t know for how long I can-!”

The insistent lust burning in your guts also fueled the resolve. You smiled at Yamato, what cut his sentence off, right in the middle of his plead. Beads of sweat rolled over the hard planes of his stomach when you crawled towards him, like an animal in heat. This gave him the best view at your swinging breasts, moving with your carefully calculated motions.

Yamato’s mouth fell shut, all the while his eyes widened in innocent shock. You crawled between his lightly spread legs and his body understood what you wanted before his mind did. His legs fell apart, gave way to you, and your smile only grew wider when the tips of your fingers slid over the heated skin of his inner calves. Strong, trained and trembling faintly, while hushed whispers floated through the air, only disturbed by his incomprehensible little whimpers. Sweet, sweet torture, more for the man than for you. But still torture for both of you.

Adorable. Your smile widened into a confident smirk, while your hands inched higher, over his knees and towards his muscular thighs.  Absolutely adorable, gorgeous and sexy. And so much more.

“Do you like that, my ANBU?” you asked and clawed into the hard flesh of Yamato’s upper thighs, right below his hips. “Do you want me to continue? Or should I go a little bit towards the… _inner side_?”

 

“Oh gods, please, _yes_!” His garbled words quickly dissolved into a breathless moan when your fingers stroked again over the entirety of his thigh. From his knees, over the main muscle right below the surface of his skin, up again to the nook of his crooked hips. Your nails raked through the coarse hair of his legs, strong muscles twitched lightly beneath your soft, teasing caress.

“Is that enough?” By now, your hands laid flatly against the very top of Yamato’s thighs. His head was thrown backwards, baring his neck and the hastily bobbing adam’s apple to your curious eyes. And they dropped lower again, right to the throbbing cock.

Only inches parted you now from the organ, veiny and thick and with an incredibly red tip, already weeping drops of pre-cum. A musky scent was in the air and when you leaned further in, it only grew stronger.

 _Almost overbearing_ , you thought and licked your lips.

Yamato bucked his hips, what caused the hard dick to jump slightly. “Oh, to the heavens, please! Please, rabbit, _please_ , oh gods, heavens and all higher powers above, pleaseplease _please_ -!”

Faced with such passionate pleads and such an impressive display of eagerness, you didn’t have the heart to tease your boyfriend any longer. Carefully, you nestled closer into the space between his powerful legs, before reaching out and cupping with your warmed-up fingers his straining dick.

Instantly, another mighty tremble flared through Yamato. His back arched into your touch, while his face snapped downwards, eyes tightly sealed and mouth just as tightly closed. His shaggy brown hair was matted with sweat, running in beads down his temples and neck, through the planes of his muscled chest.

One of your hands laid at the base of his cock, the other stabilized his right leg. If you wouldn’t use your hand as a reminder that you were still present, Yamato would probably have the strength to accidentally throw you off. Gently, you tightened the grip of your fingers.

The reaction came instantly. The man stiffened, only to release a low, throaty moan. “Rabbit!”

More moans followed, caused by the massage you gifted to him. You used the spilled pre-cum as a lubricant, soothing the small motions of your hand while they slipped up and down. Up and down, just tiny movements of your wrist, all the while you watched Yamato’s face intently. How the wrinkles between his eyebrows deepened, how the cheeks flushed more and more, how he finally released his bottom lip and heaved like he was running his hundredth lap around the village.

 

You were so incredibly selfish. You wanted him to see what you did to him, wanted to see the light behind his eyes when the man watched how you jerked him off. With your thoughts, the motions of your wrist increased, grew bigger, longer, stronger. Proper strokes, going up and down. Whenever you reached the tip, your thumb circled around the angry-red head, spreading more and more of the quickly increasing pre-cum over the scorching hot skin.

“Yamato.”

He nodded wordlessly, while his breaths thundered through the air.

“Open your eyes. Watch what I’m doing.”

New surges of pure lava flooded through your veins when his eyelids fluttered open, revealing the dazed, black irises you loved so much. Yamato was already so far gone that he needed a few seconds to realize what sight greeted him. One hand around his dick, lips so close to it that more debauched pictures just had to rise. You instantly knew what he was thinking about when his mouth fell open to release the biggest, pained gasp you ever heard of him.

“Would you like that?” you asked. Your own lust caused your voice to have a certain rasp, and you could only wiggle against the blankets to relieve some of the tightly curled arousal in your lower stomach. Also, your hand speed slightly up, stroking him closer and closer to the delicious peak. Your lips were only inches away from the feverish skin, your breath a soft ministration and seduction at once.

You smiled, all the while the squishy sounds of your hand moving over his slicked cock filled the air. “Would you like me to suck you off?”

Maybe that tiny bit of dirty talk was a little bit too much. The last drop of water into an already overfilled bucket. Before you could react in any way, Yamato gasped. His whole body went rigid, only to slump forward, all the while the dick in your hand twitched, spurting white ropes of cum around. Cum dribbled over your fingers, warm and sticky and the smell of sex and sweat filled now with an unbearable clarity your brain.

At first, there were only your heavy in- and exhales thundering through the room. They mixed, intermingled with Yamato’s, whose chest was still heaving, while some astray streaks of white seed rolled lazily down his stomach. His dick softened in your hand, still a bit twitching and still hot, almost burning your palm.

 

You looked up to the man, tried to peer through the shadows of his hair, blinking out of sheer surprise and the dimly dawning giddiness curling in your chest. “Yamato? My love?”

He groaned lowly, then buried his face in his hands. But even with the weak light of the little lamp on the nightstand, you could see the bright flush tainting his cheeks, neck and even his ears. “Hmmm?” he groaned again.

“Did you just…?”

“ _Hmmmm._ ”

Oh gods. A wild grin grew on your face. This was… wow. Others would’ve maybe found this embarrassing or even humiliating, an down-turner of the biggest scale. But you, in hindsight…

“Yamato.” You tried and propped yourself up. “Yamato? Would you look at me, please?”

He shook sharply his head. Behind his hands, mumbles and more groans of sheer mortification could be heard. Then, he leaned forward, curled his legs towards his stomach and tried to roll his massive frame into a small ball, all the while not shoving you away. But you persisted, stopped him from clamming up, forced your way between his still spread legs and held him gently where you needed him.

“Listen for a second.” you tried once more. You reached out, paused when you felt the residing stickiness between your fingers, before leaning over to the nightstand and took a handkerchief, what you used to hastily clean your fingers off. “Here. Will you allow me to clean you up?”

Yamato nodded. Still, he continued to hide his features from you, all the while your hands wiped away the last evidence of his little… accident.

“Listen to me,” you mumbled and threw the last handkerchief somewhere into the dim room, “You don’t need to be embarrassed about it. It happens.”

“It… _But_ … It shouldn’t-!”

His stammered words made you smile a little bit wider. Damn, how dare he was so cute, curled up and hiding from you out of embarrassment from coming too early. For you, it was really alright. The night was young, you two had still so much time. Now, you needed to communicate this to your incredibly insecure and ashamed boyfriend.

“This here is also a little bit my fault.” you admitted silently. “It was a little bit too much, wasn’t it?”

Another shy nod, then, a single, black eye blinked through the shadows. “A tiny bit, yes.”

“Alright.” You nodded slowly. “I’m sorry for making you… uncomfortable. But I wanted to give you a first time. A proper first time of sex with the one who loves you.”

 

You could feel his gaze upon you, even through the self-created shadows the man hid his face. And for the first time since you started to seduce Yamato this evening, you could feel a blush rising into your face and neck. “When I heard you were a virgin, I just went off the rocks with my plans and ideas. I just wanted… Wanted you to enjoy yourself.”

No answer.

With a heavy sigh, you shuffled backwards, still naked and still aroused, but the heat was fading by now. You watched how Yamato curled up in himself and your heart grew heavy.

Obviously, your words and apology weren’t enough.

_Okay. Another time, then._

He laid on his side of the bed, back to you when you settled down beside him, also on your side and eyes set on the broad, muscles back. Yamato didn’t move one single muscle when you inched closer, only to wrap your arm around his waist and spooning him.

“It’s alright.” You mumbled once more, leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to the back of his sweat-stained neck. “And just you know, it’s quite flattering to me that you came early. Only tells me that the effect I have on your is even greater than I originally believed.”

Yamato twitched slightly beneath your arm. “Really?” His voice was shy, meek and hesitant. “It’s really alright for you?”

“Yes.” Again, you gave his waist a short squeeze. “Totally alright with me. Don’t worry too much.” Calmly breathing, you started to calmly stroke over his flank. Your reward was the tremble and relax of his muscles and the slumping against your front. After all the hot and heavy tension in the room, the man totally relaxed and fell into your embrace, allowed you to get close and sooth him further.

Until he turned his head, speaking more to the ceiling than to you. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I never… I never even went to a strip club, even though my senpai invited me a lot when we were younger. So maybe, that’s why…”

 _Oh gods, He’s so innocent. I really,_ really _came on too strong for him._

“I should’ve asked,” you breathed into the back of his neck, followed by another quick kiss, “How much experience you have. It was too much; too much in too little time. Sensory overload basically.”

 

Your hand innocently roamed up and down. The nook of his arm, trailing over the ribs, counting the small bridges. One by one by one. Over the thin waist, ripped and warm beneath your touch, the little bump of his hipbone. And up again, hip, waist, ribs, arm. Arm, ribs, waist, hips, up and down, up and down.

Yamato shook his head, the linen ruffling beneath him in the process. “It’s alright. You’ve done all of this with me in your mind. Besides, I should’ve mentioned it myself. But I was just too…”

“Too shy?”

“Yes, shy. Shy about my inexperience to bring the topic up on my own. Thus, even if you would’ve tried to talk to me, I probably would’ve blocked every attempt. It’s not your fault, rabbit.”

“Neither yours.” Up and down. Up and down. “It’s alright now, Yamato. My love. We talked about this and it’s alright. Thank you for telling me this.”

Underneath your arm, his ribcage widened, before releasing a big, heavy sigh. Then, the man rolled around, adjusted your embrace so it would still connect to him in the same, gentle way it was now. His face was only inches apart from yours, breath fanning over your features like a cool caress. No matter how many times that happened, it would never cease to feel amazing, without the nervousness, without the anxiety and the foul, sinking stone in your stomach. The fact that Yamato’s dick again grew, _hardened_ against your lower stomach, made you smile lightly at the man.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing.

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Doesn’t _feel_ like nothing.”

Yamato mumbled lowly, before sighing. “It would be a lie to say I’m not incredibly… affected by the situation and you and the, the _underwear_ , the actions, the touches and the…” He breathed rashly in. “The foreplay. Definitely, the foreplay was good, incredible even.”

 

Again, your hand picked the route over Yamato’s body up. Up and down, up and down. Only, the touch wasn’t that innocent anymore. Over the edge of his pectoral muscle, down the ribs, over the muscles of his stomach and the slight stubble of a shaved-off happy trail, only to stop and turn the route around once more. Again upwards, while Yamato’s breath hitched audibly.

He squirmed when your hand wandered again down, and a low whimper floated through the air, brushing over your face with the sweetness of his very nature.

“(Y/N) …” With a deep exhale, Yamato’s head fell forward. Forehead to forehead, while his breath crashed into your features. “Oh gods… Oh gods, oh no, please… _(Y/N)…_ ”

With every word of his, your fingers trailed lower. Chest, ribs, stomach, happy trail. And lower than that, down to his twitching thighs, where you drew a teasing circle on the skin. Meanwhile, you brushed past the half-hard cock like a forgotten afterthought, not minding the organ one bit when your fingers wandered upwards again.

The brunet groaned like a wounded animal, his hips twitching into you, searching for more warmth, more friction, more pleasure.

“It’s okay,” you whispered, “My love, it’s okay. It’s okay, just let go. We’re doing this slowly, no pressure at all. We have the whole night.”

Again, you had reached the highest point of your travels and turned around. Nearly, _barely_ missing the hard cock which seemed to beg for your attention. The heat rose once more, in the room and in your lower stomach. Something you didn’t miss at all, especially when Yamato groaned loudly, louder than before.

“Please (Y/N)…” His hand scrambled for yours, captured your fingers right above his heart and held them there. “Stop for a second. I beg you.”

“Okay.” you said, and nosed his jawline. “Anything you want.”

“I… I think…” Yamato licked his lips. “I think, touching is a little bit too much for me right now. You know, _down there_.”

“Got it. Then, do you want to touch me first?”

 

Stunned silence. Then, after a few more seconds, Yamato started to sputter incomprehensible words, swallowed syllables, all the while the blood rushing into his face heated up the air in your close proximity.

“Touch you?” he stuttered. His head frantically ruffled over the linen, his fingers around yours tightened, only to slacken suddenly. “Yes. Yes, uhm… I mean, okay, I think I can do that. I can… I can try, yes. How… I mean… How should I…?”

“I will teach you.” One hand still at his chest, you turned around to lie on your back. When Yamato didn’t react, just watched you and your movements with wide eyes, you hiked the leg which was the closest to him over his powerful limbs, while spreading the other apart.

“Don’t worry too much,” you whispered, while the cooler air of the room brushed over your sensitive clit, “Don’t think too much. You don’t need your head here. Just this.” The fingers above his heart drummed against his skin. “This here. That is important.”

When you had rolled around, his arm thrown over your waist slid over your skin. His big, callused palm laid on your stomach, fingers twitching and shaking against your surface. Gently, your other hand cupped his and slowly led it downward. When his warm, insecure fingers laid upon your pulsing mound, the tips of his digits dipped already into the overbearing wetness and your knees felt strangely weak, despite laying in the soft cushions of your bed, entangled with your boyfriend.

“Can you feel me?” you asked weakly. “Tell me. Tell me what you feel.”

Another dip, lower this time. This time, his fingers spread your outer labia, caressed your core with insecurity and unbearable warmth. The slick sounds of your wetness echoed through the air, just as much as the mixing breaths of both of you.

A single, weak moan was ripped from your lips when Yamato dared to directly caress your clit. A single thumb, rubbing the sensitive button, before probing and pressing it to the beat of your heart.

“You’re…” Yamato swallowed. “You’re so wet. So warm.” His thumb rubbed now in rhythmic, circular motions around your clit. Only brushing the nub, never really giving you the pressure you desperately needed. Behind gritted teeth, you whimpered, cursing and praising the man for his intuitive understanding.

 

Another whine rippled in your throat when his index and middle finger spread the inner lips apart, stroking gently over the core of your wetness. Yamato was so close, so close to figure out what to do, how to play you like an instrument. Despite his innocence, the man learned quicker than anyone else you had ever met and the fire in your veins and lower stomach howled in satisfaction that he learned from you.

Yamato’s voice vibrated in the air, hoarse and thick from arousal. “I can feel you trembling against me. My… my finger is at your entrance and, and I can feel it mouthing against the very tip…”

Like an instinctive reaction, your inner muscles clenched around the said tip and both you and Yamato gasped. “Gods,” you gasped, “gods, please… I need you inside. Please, Yamato.”

“Like this?” The tip of his index finger slipped past your entrance. Just the first knuckle, just the first unbearable knuckle. At first, you tried to suppress any sound, but then Yamato’s fingers further slid inside, slowly and stretching you gently.

“My love…” you breathed. Still whimpering, you faced the man and searched for his lips. Yamato complied to your wordless plea, sighing lowly when you two met. Your tongue flicked over his lips, delved deeper, caressed his, only to retract and let the man chase you. A slow, sensual game, all the while your hips rolled sluggishly against his callused hand.

Even without talking, he seemed to understand. Carefully, his fingers went deeper, stretched your inner walls out until you whined into the kiss. The balm of his hand rubbed against your clit whenever you moved your hips only slightly, making shivers crawl over your skin and electricity zap through your system right beneath it. It was soft and raw at the same time, a caress and hit, so incredibly erotic that you felt your peak approaching too fast than you wanted and not at all fast enough.

You never wanted this to end. And at the same time, you craved for the end.

His finger sluggishly drew in and out of your wet hole, but like Yamato and you shared one mind, his middle finger pressed also in with the next stroke. It was a tight fit, it had been some time after all, but due to the slow speed and his careful angling and probing, it only hurt a little bit. Soon, the weak flash of pain was washed away by the incoming pleasure, rolling over your mind and washing over your body. Sighing, you bit into his lips, only to bury your face in his shoulder.

“God, yes. Yamato…” You whispered lowly. “This feels so good. Right, _right_ there…” The rest of the sentence was drowned in a low whimper, when the tips of his digits brushed over an especially sensitive patch of nerves inside of you. Your back arched and the gasp escaping you made Yamato growl lowly. It took him a few tries, but then, he hit the same spot again. Another whimper, louder this time, was ripped from your lungs. It felt so good, tingles spreading all over your body, stars building behind your eyes, heat swirling through your lower stomach. His fingers found the special spot again, rubbing it until you gasped for air and pleaded the man for something even you didn’t quite grasp.

 

“My love, oh gods, I know, you’re doing so great, so good!” More whines, more peppered kisses and almost-bites along his neck. “We have to-! We can’t, I can’t-!”

Frantically, you searched for his wrist and stopped every movement. A sob crawled out of your throat as his movements stilled, broken and hushed, before you silenced yourself once more in Yamato’s neck. It felt too good to even just have his fingers inside of you, thick and unmoving. It took all of your willpower to _not_ , absolutely not move your hips to fall over that cliff which was too close to your taste.

Deriving yourself a little bit longer of the pleasure would be worth it. It would be. Totally.

“(Y/N)?” Yamato whispered hoarsely into your ear. “Everything alright?”

“Yes,” you gasped, “Just… just give me a minute. To breathe. Calm down.”

“I am calm.”

“I mean myself, my love.”

“Oh.” His chuckle brushed over your skin, making you shudder and almost moan again. Hell, you never thought you were this sensitive before, in all your years of being sexually active. This here felt fresh and new and like it never should end, raw like it was also _your_ very first time.

Another wave of kisses, showered over your face and making you giggle weakly, ripped you out of your thoughts. His fingers were still inside of you, slightly twitching, maybe itching to pleasure you further, but pausing because you wanted him to stop.

“Okay.” You nodded. Like an answer, the dick pressed against your flank seemed to grow a little bit harder. “Okay. Do you want to try again?”

“Try… _Oh._ ”

“Yeah.”

You heard him inhale deeply. Seconds later, the exhale followed, just as deep and controlled than the previous breath. Then, and you whimpered at his action, Yamato pulled very carefully his fingers out of your hole, like he was dealing with porcelain or glass.

 

“Yamato?”

“Mhm?”

“Do you…” You licked your lips. “Do you want to have sex with me right now?”

More silence. Then, just in the moment you wanted to tell the man it was alright, there were other things you could try out today if he didn’t feel like it, you could feel his weak nod. And again, another nod, more secure and steady than ever.

“Yes?” you asked. “You want?”

At that, the man snorted. “Rabbit, of course I want you. It was just… a bit much for me. Sensory overload. Now, I feel… better? Knowing you can sigh like this… I’m asking myself what comes after that. If there’s something else what is even remotely close to the feeling of you shivering in my arms and knowing I’m responsible for that.”

You drew a shuddering breath in. “Gods, Yamato. Okay, yeah. We can do that. Let me just…” Rolling around, you grabbed one of the condoms, ready to be used laying on the nightstand. In the motion back into the position right by Yamato’s side, you were already ripping the plastic apart. Your fingers trembled slightly and you felt too lightheaded to be completely clear, but you managed to completely roll down the condom over Yamato’s straining dick without teasing him anymore than necessary.

“Thank you.” the man mumbled and kissed your shoulder.

“No problem at all, my ANBU.” you whispered back.

“So… How do we… do that?” He nodded at the headboard. “Should I learn against the headboard now? Or-?”

You shook your head with a little smile. “No. It would be too much again, I believe. I wanted to ride you, but I think, I know a better position for our first time. It’s pretty much perfect for us.”

“How?” he asked again, what you answered with a kiss to his jaw, all the while hooking your leg over his hipbone, pressing your pelvis to his and feeling the hot, hard dick pressing against your dripping core.

“Just like this,” you grinded against him, eliciting a small, muffled groan, “in this position. Spooning each other. Very close. Lots of contact. We can go very slow in this one and it’s not too exciting for you and me. What do you say?”

 

“Whatever you think is best.” The hand on your hip was almost scorching your sweat-stained skin, before you inched closer and pressed your breasts into his wide chest. His mouth formed words and single syllables, whispered them into your hair, but you were too busy reaching between your bodies and finding the hard dick, wrapped in rubber to notice any of them. The only thing you did notice was the hitch in Yamato’s whole body when you gently guided the tip of his hard cock towards your entrance, rubbing him in small, teasing circles into your wetness. At the same time, you angled your hips, already clenching slightly around the tip.

Too good. Too right. When Yamato groaned again, only to claim your mouth in an intense kiss, you happily let him, while still continuing to move your hips. Sinking lower and lower onto the dick, gasping into the embrace, sharing something the man never dared dreamed off and you never thought you would do one day. Slowly being stretched out, relishing in the feeling of being filled, drawing Yamato closer and being embraced in a desperate attempt to stay silent, but his mouth and body produced the most beautiful sounds.

Low sighs, high whimpers, heavy gasps and moans filled the air, all of them drowned in your mouth. Despite his silent occupation, Yamato wasn’t one to be silent during the intimacy of sex and you enjoyed this knowledge way too much. Teasingly, you clenched around him, only to listen how his breath hitched in his chest.

Finally, his dick was fully inside of you. From the tip to the thick base, everything was inside. And it felt so good. Not even three of his fingers would’ve prepared you for the raw feeling of being so utterly stretched. You closed your eyes and tried to breathe in between the desperate kisses Yamato pressed to your lips and neck, who also whispered and murmured more jumbled sentences.

When you rolled your hips, the whole man tensed up. When you rolled them again, teasingly and testing the waters, Yamato breathed out. And when you leaned forward, whispering “It’s alright to move, you know?”, only then, he started take action.

At first, it was just rolling his hips a bit against yours, clumsily and moaning with every slight motion. You answered, tried to meet his hips and dick, cooed soft sweet-nothings into his ear, while Yamato’s breath crashed into your neck, hard, hot and heavy.

“You’re doing so good. So great. I love you, my ANBU, love you so much. Yes, right there…” A shiver rained over your back when Yamato unexpectedly hit a certain spot inside of you which made you see little stars. A gasp, a moan and Yamato didn’t need more persuasion. More confidence laid in his movements when he grasped your hips and flushed you entirely against his chest, all the while his hips rolled and trusted forward. Again, he hit the spot, again and again, until you begged in whimpers and whines to _make it stop, don’t stop ever_.

It was a slow dance. Unbearable and sensual, soft and raw, perfect and imperfect at the same time. Touches mixed with kisses, kisses turned into licks, only to go back into mingling hands and entangled legs. It was all of that, separated and altogether and it overwhelmed your mind, made you eagerly move and writher, whine and whimper, all the while you could feel the climax nearing quickly.

The night was long, yes. But it also had been some long foreplay, arousing for both parties.

 

“Faster, Yamato,” you moaned, “Please, oh please, my love! I need to-!”

He grunted. “Yes, rabbit. Gods!”

The room was filled with the squishy sounds of your wetness, the sighed moans and whispered love-confessions. The peak was close for you and with every move of Yamato’s hips, slapping into yours, you were pushed and shoved towards that peak. Gasping, you buried your face in his shoulder, while your hands scrambled for a handle, his broad shoulders, his back, his neck, anything at all.

The delicious stretch of being filled, the aching emptiness when he wasn’t inside of you. His hot breath mixing with yours, the hands laying on your hips and his lips spilling your name like a broken prayer, all that made you clench around him like a vice.

Yamato stilled, only to release the longest string of courses you ever heard of him. His grip tightened, he flushed your lower bodies together and-!

You cried out when you felt how the hot cum filled the condom. Quickly, you grabbed his hand and led it towards your aching clit. Yamato understood without a word, only started to massage the sensitive button while his hips lazily shuffled over the blankets, enjoying the aftermath of his orgasm as much as he could. Rough fingertips slid right between your bodies and with a low moan, you followed Yamato into the sweet, sweet bliss.

A wave crashed into your mind, flashed through your whole body. Heat blossomed and you threw your head backwards, gasping and panting like you had run an intense marathon. The stars which had built over the last minutes exploded behind your eyes into a bright, delirious white, before fading slowly into black again.

Yamato subconsciously did the best thing he could do. He continued to roll his hips through the orgasm, his fingers playing with your clit and at the same time, slowing his movements when every other ministration started to become unbearable. With a shaky sigh, you opened your eyes, only to look into his obviously mesmerized features.

“I love you.” you whispered, voice still shaking and cheeks burning from the overall intensity of the experience. You could feel how his softening dick twitched weakly, like a subconscious reaction to your words.

His adam’s apple bobbed when the man swallowed thickly. “I love you too, rabbit. More than I ever thought I would. Since… Since I saw you on the meadow, no other person could… No other was able to…”

“Ssh. Say no more.”

“Yes.” Yamato sounded far too serious to make him stop. “I mean, no. I need… I want to say this. You’re the one who helped me to get out of this… this mindset that I’m nothing more than a tool. You showed me how it is to be human, to be… _to be_ normal and like any other person I watch on the streets. When all I ever brought you was pain and horror. And you always, always pushed forward, tried your best to accept me when I’m the one…”

“It’s really fine. You don’t need-!”

 

“Yes, I need to.” Around his mouth formed a tight tug, like he bit the inside of his lips to feel the tiniest bit of pain. Maybe for concentration, maybe to get his words straightened out and correct. After a few more seconds, filled with tense silence and the feeling of his soft dick still inside of you, he spoke up again, soft and like the words he said were made of glass. “(Y/N), I love you. And now, when I finally understand what these feelings are, they mean more than just words. Maybe I don’t make any sense right now, but loving you throughout all these years, no matter if these emotions lay dormant or not… This was the best experience of my life. _You_ are the best thing which ever happened to me, right from the moment I bit into your fingers.”

You couldn’t help yourself. Yamato looked so serious and earnest, so incredibly shy and cute and adorable, that you just had to lean in and silence the weak confession with a soft kiss.

Surprised, he could only answer, moved his lips to the gentle caress, until you drew away again, smiling and with some small tears of happiness in your eyes.

“I guess it was a long and rocky road,” you whispered, air brushing over the wet lips of your love, “And it wasn’t perfect. Far from that. Sometimes, it was ugly and dirty and all the things I don’t wish my worst enemy. But one thing is for sure…”

You leaned again in and Yamato, who obviously expected another kiss, also inched forward. But seconds away from your lips meeting again, you paused, mischief glistening in your eyes. “No matter what, you don’t have to work anymore at your pillow talk. Count me impressed, my ANBU.”

In the first moment, Yamato was positively perplexed. With wide eyes, he could only stare at you. Then, after he properly processed your words, a light, satisfied smile spread on his face. A smile which made you feel bigger and stronger than ever before, and subconsciously, you held a little bit tighter onto the man.

It was silent, wordless understanding. Yamato understood what you wanted to say with your light joke and you understood what he couldn’t form into proper, straight-forward words.

One sentence, three words. So small and yet so big. One you two already exchanged so often, in between a stressful life between the hospital and missions, whispered when one of you thought the other was asleep, jammed between kisses and buried in a wave of mundane tasks of your everyday life.

The last thing you did before you closed your eyes was snuggling closer to Yamato, who dragged the blanket over your entangled bodies, all the while wearing the same light, happy smiles. And the last thing he did, was breathing a soft kiss to your hairline when you were snuggled into his chest, arms slung around him and not letting him go away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the mighty kudos to Chisie for proofreading and keeping up with my insanity. You're the best! :3

**Author's Note:**

> As always, only proofread by me, what doesn't mean anything. And if you see any mistakes or just have some criticism/critique/compliments, then let me now either in the comments or in my tumblr: historicfailure. I would love to talk with you guys :)


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